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December 5, 2007, 5:03 pm CST

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN

I am at the 10 month anniversary of my divorce from an abusive sociopath and it is only by the grace of God that I did not end up like the Peterson women.  I had a protective attorney and therapist, along with friends, who took steps to help keep me safe while I got out.  We went the whole route; I had notarized letters in safe deposit boxes testifying that if I was found dead, he did it.

 

It's not easy; 10 months later, I live from day to day in fear, for survival in other ways.  I'm isolated, in financial ruin, and think the best days of my life are far behind me and what's ahead is a mere existence.  But at least I'm alive.

 
December 6, 2007, 9:55 am CST

I BEG TO DIFFER

Quote From: y1lriley

I have lived with an abusive man for the past seven years. I fought back and I have had him arrested twice. It wasn't until the last time he was arrested that he finally got the help he needed. Many states have domestic abuse laws however, some of them are a joke. In the state of Florida it is not left up to the woman to choose whether the abuser is prosecuted it is up to the state attorney. Thank God. My husband was forced to go to 6 months of anger management and alcohol abuse classes. Since then we have not had but two arguments in which he used some of the skills he learned to difuse the situation. He has changed in so many ways for the better. I say to you that you need to keep your head up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and make a plan to make things better for yourself. You gained your life back when you divorced this man, now take control and take it one day at a time. You have a bright future all you have to do is look ahead and not look back. If you are a spiritual person pray, pray and pray. God will answer your prayers and things will get better. Get out of the pity party. You have come this far and you can go even farther. You cannot merely exist. You have to take charge. If you don't he is still winning.

Thanks for the advice, I'm sure you mean well, but I am definitely not in a "pity party".  If I were, I would still be in my marriage, feeling sorry for myself, fearing daily for my safety and my life.  The facts of my life now are what they are.  I live from paycheck to paycheck.  I have never had to do that before, but I am doing it.  I know I will never retire; that money is gone.  I live in fear I will lose a place to live, but I cope with that and function.  God help me if there is an emergency becauce there is no money to cover one; that is where the prayer comes in.  I can't allow myself the luxury of sitting down and adding up how much debt I am in because I know that would send me into a panic I might not recover from.  I just write the checks as I can each month and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  To stay out of bankruptcy and pay my bills, I had to relocate to another state; I am living in a city where I literally know no one.  I am hundreds of miles from my family.  That's isolation.  And no, I haven't built a "new life" in the six months I've been here.  I AM in survival mode still.  But PITY?  No.  I pity the women who don't get out and still fear for their lives.  Don't tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I don't.  I'm proud I got out; the facts of my current situation are just hard ones.  I am lucky and blessed I am alive no matter how bad everything else is.

 
December 8, 2007, 8:00 am CST

"IT IS CRAP WHEN A WOMAN CRIES POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION"???

Quote From: will6012

I am a man of 50 and have never hit or raised my voice in anger to a woman. Temperament is about control of emotions. It is outrageous for a man to hit or abuse a woman.

 

It is equally outrageous and insane for a woman to hit or abuse a man. Many people see a man as a monster if he physically abuses his wife and they should. But, a woman is a bigger monster if she physically abuses her child. It is crap when a woman cries "postpartum depression".

I don't care if:

- The woman has a temper (solution: Walk away)

- The woman didn't like the response she got (solution: Ignore it)

- The woman thinks she can do or say thing with her child.

 

A woman who lays her hand on a child or her man also know her consequences.

 

A woman finds her husband in bed with another woman, walk away and control your emotions.

A man finds his wife in bed with another man, walk away and control your emotions.

 

I have a friend of mine who is a woman living with a woman now. She formally was in an abusive relationship with a man and she got out of it. She is now in an abusive relationship with a woman and she is the abuser. She did not realize it, until I pointed it out to her and now she is working to change that.

 

All people need to take responsibility. As a woman do you have the right to hit your husband, because he called you a wh###? No, walk away. Man, do you have the right to hit your wife, because she called you a bast.###? No, walk away.

 

Running over and backing over your husband, is not excused or justified. Castrating your husband while he sleeps is not acceptable. People get in volatile relationship and it is up to each one to get out of it. I had to ask my niece, who kept going back to her baby's daddy wife-beater, cheater and abuser why she kept going back? She said she loved him. I asked her what she actually love and waited for her to tell me what but she had no answer. I then asked her, if she loved it when he hit her? She said no. I asked if she loved it when he cheated on her? No. I asked how about when he called her names? No.

 

Stop the abuse against children, then against woman, and then against men. We will get to animals in another life time. Because, humans first,and some where in this world they are eating a dog or cat the same as we eat beef from a cow. That's a fact. I am against animal cruelty, but the cause to stop abuse against children, women, and men for exceed that cause.

Icould not help but notice the above quote jump out from the above quoted post.  PLEASE, Dr. Phil, take note of the ongoing ignorance that women deal with in the area of postpartum depression.  In the midst of the serious and tragic discussions you entertained yesterday on domestic violence and spousal homicide, someone has the unmitigated gall to bring up postpartum depression and belittle it as something that is not a reality for women.  It is bad enough that it is a REALITY for 10 to 20% of new mothers suffer from this horrible illness.  But to bring it up and demean these women in the midst of a discussion of women who are battered and killed by their husbands?

 

I posted on this site two days ago before the show aired.  I divorced my abusive husband ten months ago after assaults, fearing for my life.  I had the notarized statements safely locked away where peoople knew where they were, saying that if I was found dead, he was the one who did it.  And as I said before, I am proud to say I am alive today.  Life is hell now; I am hundreds of miles away from my family, isolated.  I have lost everything I had, financially.  I am in more debt than I will ever recover from.  But I am thankful that I am no longer afraid to go home at night.  I am thankful I am no longer afraid to go to sleep at night (except for the fear of the bill collectors......).  And believe me, that fear pales in comparison to the fear of my ex....Thank you, Dr. Phil, for a show that will hopefully encourage more women to take what is the hardest step of your life; the step out the door to leave.  I hope the young woman on your show with her young daughter gets out.  Just watching her husband gave me nightmares.

 
December 8, 2007, 8:06 am CST

find a way to an emergency room

Quote From: cblair67

I called

they gave me a number to call that I cant call

they told me to go to a shelter

I have no car...he saw to that I didnt

I know nobody here

and the shelter that they are referring me to wouldnt help me because he hasnt hit me...ever

But hes dangerous

I know his past

I know the games he plays

I am scared

no help

no hope

 

God bless you; find a way to your nearest hospital emergency room; if you have to call 911, do it.  Most county mental health departments have a referral source out of emergency facilities that will help you.  Refuse to leave the emergency room and tell them your life is in danger; insist.  Tell them you want reports filed, documented, that you will hold them liable, that you want their names and license #s.  Insist on legal involvement. When people find out that they may be personally accountable, they start to listen.  Good luck.
 
December 9, 2007, 7:37 am CST

NOT AN EXCUSE, A REASON

Quote From: will6012

I don't want to hear that a man had a depressive disorder for klling his wife either. I think that is intoerable for a man to beat or kill his wife. He should walk away and get help. He should never put his hands on her. Don't you think think a man or woman who kills their spouse or child has a depressive disorder. They do, but still needs to pay for their crime. My gosh to murder is a mental disorder nO EXCUSE.

 

If a new mother has this disorder then she needs to give that child up or put in the care of a relative and get treatment. You think she can just walk away no penalty after beating her child to death or drowning them. I care much more for the child, than you having to walk away and incurring a financial debt. Debt should no even be brought up. You just walk and if you get PPD you get help,just like the man or woman who beats their spouse needs to get help.

 

This discussion is about spousal battery and that also means when a woman kills their husband or beats them.  No excuse either way. If my wife ever puts her hands violently on me once, I am out the door, after I call 911. Any woman who puts their hands on a man, is also an abuser. My wife knows this and it never goes there. A violent woman is a deal breaker and if I want violence, I will work out with my martial arts.

 

This is not a blame game. It s about solving the problem. No excuse. Especially to harm a child. y wife and I have talked about this.

Postpartum depression in not an excuse for the way women respond, it's a reason; and women who end up tragically killing their children aren't suffering from postpartum depression, it's postpartum PSYCHOSIS; big difference, look it up...

 

I COMPLETELY agree with you that a woman who physically abuses her husband should be held to the same standard that a man is held to.  There is no excuse for physical abuse by either partner.

 

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