Messages By: iamdada

you need to give up on controlling him.  you probably couldn't control him when you where with him, so what makes you think you can control him now?  get a darn life.  it doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong to me.  he is moving on with life and you should try doing the same thing.  how did you hear his voicemail?  are you such a control freak that you hack his voicemail and email and ....?  no wonder he doesn't want you to meet her.

I posted many messages on the old board, but here is a recap of my situation.  I caught my wife cheating on me in July of 2004 (that prepaid calling card just didn't make any sense - we had long distance service...).  So anyway, she said she would end it, but didn't.  I made her move out.  I got the house, custody of our son (4 atm) and child support.  

I recently started dating an awesome new woman (I am 35, she is 39).  My exwife took it hard (she thought that we would get back together??? yeah right).  I thought that I had the perfect revenge, but then....   

I first want to throw out a comment about dating someone new.  I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever be able to trust someone new.  I am very happy to say that I was wrong.  I am dating an awesome, highly trustworthy woman.  I almost want to thank my ex-wife for ruining our marriage and letting me find someone way better than she ever was....  but that isn't the point of this post...   

Here is the kicker..  Before I married my wife we both got tested for STIs (STDs).  We had nothing.  My girlfriend and I want to lose the comdoms, so we both got tests ran.  I just found out that I have genital herpes.  Apparently 22% of adults have it and a large percentage of them do not know they have it.  It is a blood test that is 99.99% accurate.  It is real, I have it.  My cheating ex-wife gave me genital herpes (HSV-2).  !$#&^%$%$#@%$#@   

My girlfriend came showed up at my house about 1.5 hours after I found out (she called from the driveway).  She knew something was wrong, so I just told her flat out.  She is going to do research about it before she decides what to do (she is a nurse).  

It isn't fair!  That cheating butt-head ruined our marriage by having an affair.  She made me cry like a little kid.  I am trying to move on with life and now I find out that I have genital herpes.  I can pass it on to others even if I don't have symptoms and I use condoms.  I wish that I could press charges against her and send her to prison for the things she did.  This sucks.  I might lose this person because of what my ex-wife did.  

Does the destruction caused by a cheating spouse ever end?  Isn't it bad enough that I will always have to question things I shouldn't ever have to question (emotionally)?  !#@%   

You can get genital herpes even if you use condoms.  I was referred to the westoverheights website by my doc.  I quickly discovered that (1) 22% of adults have herpes-2 (2) 70-90% don't know they have it, but can spread it (3) it is a virus that lives in the nerves and comes out in the general genital area (4) outbreaks can happen anywhere that would normally be covered by a pair of boxer shorts (5) outbreaks are extremely contageous (6) the skin area where a person normally has outbreaks is often contageous even if there are no symptoms - 5 to 10% of the time (7) the virus spreads thru the skin (8) even with condom use there is a chance to spread the virus when there are (or are not) symptoms because of shedding (skin cells containing active virus at surface of skin).    

In my particular case, I do not appear to have outbreaks at all.  The cold hard facts are that my girlfriend will have about a 10% chance of getting the virus from me if we are together for 1 year.  If we use condoms then the chance is reduced, but it isn't very clear as to how much it will be reduced because it depends on where my skin is contageous when I am shedding (which I do not know because I don't get symptoms)....  The medicine advertised on tv says that it will reduce the chance of spreading by 50%.  That still seems like a pretty big chance to take.    

If your spouse is cheating, odds are that 1 in 4 people the cheat with have genital herpes.  Since it is estimated that for every time a spouse is caught having an affair, there where actually 3 different affairs, ...  that gives you a 75% chance that your spouse has come in contact with the virus if you catch them having 1 affair.    

You have a friend of the opposite sex that you are attracted to and that you have conversations with.  Sounds like you are already having an affair.  An affair isn't having sex with someone else, an affair is building up a relationship with someone.  The sex is just part of the process.  

Do not justify an affair by saying that "if he wouldn't have done x then this wouldn't have happened".  There is no real justification.  You can come up with reasons, but I am sure that your husband could do the same thing (if he didn't try to justify what he did several years ago).  It isn't real justification, it is just an attempt to make yourself feel better about what you did (or may do).  

You should never have a hidden friend.  Either tell your husband that you have a friend, or stop having the secret friend.    

Lastly, go to marriage builders dot com and start working thru the exercises there.  Spend time alone and with your husband working on improving your marriage.  

I was crushed when after my wife admitted her affair.  I never got over it.  Our marriage was ruined.  I could never trust her again.  Sex didn't feel special with her anymore.  I used to like having sex with her, but after the affair, all I could think about was her having sex with him.  It consumed me.  The thought of her talking on the phone and emails to him consumed me.  It ruined us.  

I felt like life was over for many months.  I was very depressed.  I was trying very hard to deal with the issue and figure out why it happened.  She was trying very hard to make it dissapear and tell me that it was my fault.  It wasn't my fault.  I realized that it had very little to do with me.  I got sad, she got mad.  She said that our problem was that I 'just had to keep digging'.  She told me that she was going to end it (and that it was pretty much over when I found out).  She didn't think that the affair caused a problem, it was just me (because of the way I reacted to the affair).  

I asked her to move out a few times and she finally did.  I wanted my son, so I never left.  (side note here - the person that has the kids when you get seperated usually gets to keep the kids.  the judge assumes that the parents make an unconscious decision when they seperate and that the kids usually stay with the parent that should have custody anyway.)  I have custody of our son.  After she moved out, I realized that we would never be together again.  I accepted it.    

Several months after she moved out, she wanted back.  She thought that we would just be apart for  a while and then I would beg her to come back.  It didn't really start to sink in until she got served with the divorce petition.  It hit her like a ton of bricks and she wasn't mad anymore, she was suddenly devistated.    

My depression had ended and I was moving on with life.  I took care of the divorce and came to the decision that the best revenge would be to move on and be happy.  I put a personals ad on craigslist for my area and said just that.  I put a picture up, described myself and then wrote a short blurb about moving on with life (I even wrote that it was the best revenge I could think of) and wanting to meet new friends.  It was about 1am when I wrote that ad.  I got up the next morning (Saturday) and checked my email.  My email was flooded with responses.  I was a bit overwhelmed.  I actually had to remove my ad about 16 hours after posting it because I got so many responses.  I met several great women and I am dating 1 in particular that is 100 times the woman that my wife was.  

My life is much better than it was when I was with my ex-wife (and I thought it was good when I was with her).  The only negative thing is the subject that I posted a bit about on this board...  testing (+) for genital herpes because of her cheating behavior.  

Trust your gut here and do what it tells you to do.  If I could go back in time to the day I first discovered the affair, I would skip the entire process of trying to salvage our marriage.  I would just pack a couple of bags for my son and I and move out.  I feel like the months that I stayed and tried to make things work just made the pain of the whole thing last longer.  

Life will go on for you.  Life will be good again.  You will be happy again.  She isn't worthy of your love.  She knows it and that is why she scours the boards looking to see if you are looking for someone new.  

Are they deleting posts from this board?  I read a response to a post and then it disappeared from the board.  I have also posted some that are not here...  Does anyone know?  

It sounds like you have really let yourself get into a jam.  I think the biggest thought in my mind is...  Are you willing to give up everything you have with your husband over this?  Guys are wimps about this stuff.  We do not like to share.  A man is much more likely to leave his wife due to her having an affair than a woman is to leave her husband if he has an affair.   

Pretty much every person that has an affair thinks that they will never get caught.  You are having an affair (by my standards).  You better sit down and think about where you will be 1 year from today if your husband catches you having an affair.  A single mom with 5 kids hoping to get some childsupport and help from a small business owner....  You will have your hands full with the kids.  Imagine how your friends life will change after he gets fired, beat up and then his wife finds out why....  All of those great qualities that you listed about his work will seem very pointless.   

Your will power should be easy to get.  Just think about what it will be like when your husband leaves you and tells you that he hates you.  If you truely love your husband, stop what you are doing.  What you are doing behind your husbands back isn't love.   You should consider letting your friend go (his job).  He might be a great worker, but which is more important?  Your marriage or the construction company..  

I think that it is very normal to be attracted to others and it is nice to get attention from others, but you need to know where to draw the line.  Make an informed decision about this.  Get your priorities straight.  Stop spending time on the phone with the other guy.  Spend time talking to your husband instead.   

The devil doesn't change, people just become more accepting of him.  There have always been temptations in your life.  You have chosen to ignore them before.  Why are you choosing to allow this temptation now?    

You need to do something now.  You need to stop talking to him.  If you can't do it alone, then ask for help from a close friend (perhaps even your husband).  My mind is boggled here.  Why don't you just stop?  Why don't you just say no?  I don't care how tempted you are.  I don't care if the sound of his voice makes your toes tingle.  STOP.  

Where is your husband when all of this is going on?  If he works for your husband then is he calling you from a job?  Is your husband gone all of the time?  How do you have the time to talk to this guy on the phone alot if he works for your husband?  

Have you gone to marriage builders website and done the emotional needs exercise?  You should be spending your time trying to figure out how to get closer to your husband, not thinking about and talking to some other guy.  

You are allowing this to happen because you are open to it.  You seem to want it.  You need to decide how bad you want it.  I can't really give you anymore advice about this.  What do you want to hear?    

I thought about it for a bit and came up with something different.  Whenever there is a situation that I do not like in my life, I make a plan and try to fix it.  If I need advice from someone else, I ask and then I work of fixing the problem....  

You are asking for advice, but you are not taking it.  You are saying that the advice you are getting on this board is good, but you are not using it.  What is the problem?  

You have hit one of my pet peeves in life.  I hate it when someone gets into a bind, asks for advice and then does nothing.  It actually makes me mad.  Why do people complain about the situation they are in (which is usually something that they created), then ask for advice and then do nothing.  Don't complain about a problem that you created unless you are going to do something about it.  Don't whine and say that you do not know what to do.  You know what to do.  You know that you are making bad decisions.    

What else is going on?  Are you doing drugs?  Are you drinking?  Are you addicted to drinking your bath water?  This whole situation makes no sense to me.  JUST DON'T DO IT.   It is that simple to me....   DON'T DO IT.  I wouldn't do it.  I never did it.  Your marriage will self destruct within 2 years (statistically backed statement).  Are you 2 or are you a responsible adult.  You have actually made statements similar to what my wife said about her affair.  Look where it got her.  She only hears from the guy that she was messing around with at about 10PM the nights that he comes to town.  "Hi, I am at the hotel tonight if you want to come and see me."  She has been reduced to a 10pm booty-call.  She told me that she "had feelings for him".  Now she has began to figure out that he is just after one simple thing and she was stupid enough to give it to him.  

Grow up.  Stop whining about the situation you are creating.  Deal with it.  Fix the problem.  Please do not ask for my advice again unless you stop talking to him.  

I have this opinion....  The difference between a cheater and a faithful person is that when tempted one of them will say no and one will not.  Being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.    

I had to call my GF and ask her about this issue.  She had the same response as I do.  I asked her if she was ever tempted while she was married.  She said yes.  She told me a story of a guy that pursued her.  She had to stop talking to him and avoid him.  She made a choice.  She admitted right up front that it was very intoxicating to have someone pursue her, but she steered clear of the situation.  

Several years ago I worked with a woman that I found incredibly attractive.  She was single and we talked a bit at work (but in a very casual work tone).  She started to make statements that made if obvious that she was fishing for more.  I told her that I was married.  She asked me out to lunch, I said no.  She asked me out to a movie, I said no.  Keep in mind that I thought that she was hot.  She worked out alot and she looked good.  One day she saw me walk into a storage room.  She followed me into the room and shut the door.  She then told me flat out that she wanted me right then and there.  I can remember being shocked that she was so forward.  All I did was look at her and chuckle.  It was very flattering and I liked the attention.  She then walked up in front of me, dropped onto her knees and started to unzip my pants.  Holy cow, talk about temptation.  It was very difficult to stop what was about to happen, but I did.  I reached down and pushed her hands away, fought my way past very aggressive hands and got out the door.  I clearly told her that it better never happen again (even though I was dying inside because I wanted to rip her clothes off).  The point is...  I said no even when my body was aching to say yes.  People do say no.  It isn't just that people cheat because they have opportunity.    

Temptation can strike at anytime.  It is completely normal to be attracted to others.  It is completely normal to want others.  It is completely normal to want to be around others.  It is very normal to crave the attention that we do not get in a long term relationship.  Do you think that your husband has never been tempted?  Do you think that he has never been attracted to others?  Have you gone to the marriage builders website yet?  It really does have some great things there.  

Is it just as tempting to a faithful person?  Yes.  Do faithful spouses get attracted to others?  Yes.  A faithful person just goes that extra million miles and says no.  Reading your responses (and I have read everything that you have written on these boards) actually makes me sad.  I can remember that for a time I sort of gave up on relationships and decided that people are just cheaters and that is all there is to it.  I pondered about it for a while and decided that if I say no, then there must be others that say no also.  Do you think that Dr. Phil would say no?  I would venture to say that he has probably had a fair number of women make moves on him.  I bet he always says no.  I say no.  My GF said no.  Others I know have said no.  I have to say that a large number of people appear to say yes though.  I still have faith and trust that some people will say no.  I have faith that my GF will say no.  

Marriage takes work.  Everyone has heard that statement again and again, but most people don't work at their marriage.  You have to decide if you want to work on your marriage or work on this other brewing relationship.  This is your wake up call.  Wake up now or choose to drift back into this dream.  Keep in mind that this dream is just a dream and that reality will be different when you awaken.