Messages By: firebird79

i am a 38 yo mom of a total of 7 kids. 2 mine, 4 his, 1 ours. my husbands kids are the biggest focus at this point, mainly the youngest son. his kids are 22,james, 18, martha, 9, caitlin, 6, jonathan,5. J ill call him, for now. J and his sister caitlin are by my hubbys second wife(stick with me here, it might get confusing) the older 2 are by his first wife, and together we have a 5 year old, connie. anyhoo. when caitlin was 4 and j was 18 mos, their mom went to prison for a short time, and we began a 6 mo split custody arrangement. they went back to mom 7 months later, and 2 weeks after that, hubby and i had to make a midnight run across the state to rescue them because she had no home and was telling us nothing. needless to say, that is all behind us now, we have had full custody since, mom has now rehabilitated herself, after me taking over and becoming more of a mother than they ever had, and her taking 4 years to come around and get her life straightened out. this past february, after a year of watching caitlin become more and more depressed, i finally (with the help of our pediatrician) convinced my husband to send caitlin to live with her mom. it has turned out to be WONDERFUL for the child, shes now 9, and happy ALL the time, and doing WAY better in school, and for the first time since age 3, hugged me warmly and lovingly last time we saw her in july, instead of me hugging a stiff board,( i think she was always afraid to show any emotion towards me, until she was comfy with her momma again) one of the biggest reasons i brought the pediatrician in to help me convince dad to let the child go to mom, was because he was not paying enough attention to her, i knew she had been through a lot, with dad leaving her mom, mom going to jail, and suddenly having this new mom who is totally different than her mom, and a new house, and everything, including a new baby brother and sister, born within 5 months of each other. ( this would be J and connie) we havent followed through on the custody legal end of this yet... right now he has full custody and we are leaving caitlin with her mom, in a different state until christmas, to watch her grades and emotional health, and we together, the 3 parents, decided that we would go to court after christmas this year and make it official if caitlin was doing better. well she is, and thats settled, sort of. dad wants her back, but he isnt demanding it, but i sense a TREMENDOUS amount of hostility directed at me by him over it. i would put my foot down if he wanted to bring her back, not because i dont want her here, but because she doesnt WANT to be here. and she is totally thriving in her moms care.  now we have to look at J: J is autistic, and has ADHD, also a global developmental delay. in other words, he is a LOT OF WORK. and not to sound braggart, but IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am the one who has done all the work with this child. neither one of his parents has had to set foot in the doc's offices, or to deal with all the testing through community services, or to deal with the school and the endless parade of IEP meetings for this child. i have DRAGGED dad, but he was about as useless as tits on a bullfrog, and the "experts" always talk to me anyway.  i used to not mind it, but now that J is older, he does not want to be here either. he misses his mom too, and my hubby is ignoring him. my hubby chose to work 2 nd shift, so the 2 kids who live with us (j and connie) dont see dad except on saturday and sunday, and then its a yell-fest. i have said many times to my husband, you need to change how you deal with these kids, or they will avoid you like your older 2 do, (james and martha, who rarely contact dad, even skipping him over on fathers day!) he will agree that he needs to change what he does, BUT HE DOES NOT MAKE ONE MOVE TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH ON THE CHANGE. i feel like i am losing my mind. i have talked to his second ex, she and i actually get along quite nicely, and she knows i am furious with dad for how he ignores J, she wants to bring j to her home, but she and my hubby are SUPER NON CONFRONTATIONAL, so until i bang their heads together, NOTHING will be done. another kicker to this: i see my husband treat our daughter connie and his kids, differently. VERY differently. my daughter is precocious, and bright, and easy tempered, and j is stubborn and takes many futile attempts to learn anything, on top of his disabilities/challenging temperament, can someone help me DEAL?? my husband doesnt want to have to pay his ex child support, which is his ONLY argument for having custody, but she tells me she doesnt want child support, and i have no doubt that she is being truthful. HELP!!!!!!!

first off, im no expert, but i have 2 stepkids who are 22 and 18, and 2 who are 9 and 6. i get along great with them as a whole. but you have to  be willing to have an open mind. you cannot go into a marriage with this man without being flexible. i think being flexible and adapatable is what will make a blended family work.  and before you get married, talk about how things might be, and what you expect and desire, and also what your husband expects and desires. hope this helps you!