Messages By: golfdewd

Since retiring, I watch the Dr. Phil Show almost every day and this was far and away the most powerful episode I've ever seen, but I want the people involved to know the issue has another side. 

I am a 56 year old man, still very much in love with my wife of 35 years and not olny have I never had an affair, I'd never consider it. That said, I've been friends with  men like the husbands of the women on today's show but once I was made aware of their "activities", the friendships ceased immediately. 

I want the women to know that I believe men like their former husbands are in the minority and "the good 'uns" outweigh the bad. I applaud their bravery and I KNOW they're going to be alright. 

This Grant character from the "Wifestyles" segment is a pitiful creature, more to be pitied than blamed. His inability to seperate his marriage from one of his engineering projects is a painful struggle to behold and I seriously doubt he'll ever understand the "it" he's striving so hard to recognize.
He'll never be able to understand that Kelly isn't the problem, his own expectations are. If my EMPLOYER made half the demands he makes of Kelly, even under the guise of "personal improvements", you can bet your butt I'd be looking for another job, NOW. 

As sad as this sounds, I'm so convinced this pathetic man will never understand and he's doomed to a life alone. On the other hand, Kelly seems like a giving, naturally wonderful lady and she owes it to herself and her children to ditch this mope and get on with her life. Damned near anyone else would be happy to have her. 

I know why Grant refuses to wear his wedding ring, even if he supposedly doesn't (which I'm not buying incidentally). 

He's dangling it like a carrot.  

"Do things my way and I'll give you back your marriage, or at least its symbol. Don't and I'll hold it back until you do." 

It may just be that he truly is of such an engineering-based, inflexible mindset that he can't seperate the concept of a tidy house from  that of a loving marriage, but if that's true, he'll be happier with a housekeeper and she should find a man who'll love her for what she is, not what she does. 

Where does this clown of a husband of yours get off? Slavery was abolished years ago but it appears neither one of you heard. This "unpaid housekeeper, cook, laundress, yard worker, secretary, and sex slave" gig sounds like a sweet deal for him and a nightmare for you. And childishly "praying for a miracle", will never change anything.

A more pragmatic idea would be to plan your own miracle to get out from under this 18th century despot's thumb. Get that job, contact some agencies, beg, borrow or steal the money, do whatever you must and split.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, unless you're just seeking sympathy. Until you actually try to change your situation, I doubt you'll find much.

My 82 year old mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer,  she was given 3 months to live and immediately began making plans to ensure she wouldn't waste a moment of it. Her primary concern was to ensure she passed in her home and not, to use her words, in some "antiseptic, horrid mausoleum". With her son and two daughters all retired and living in the general vicinity, it was relatively easy for our respective families to make the arrangements.

My wife and one of our sisters-in-law have nursing backgrounds and we arranged for daily visits by a public health worker and twice weekly visits by her doctor. We then came up with a shift schedule and each couple took 12 hour shifts caring for her.

As the time passed, we began to fall into the routine. Mom did everything in her limited power to make things as pleasant as possible, under the circumstances. She ordered us to "keep the conversation light" and "avoid morbidity at all costs!". For the most part, we were able to comply.

I pitched in by doing the laundry and the majority of the cooking and cleaning. I also spent a lot of time serenading Mom as she loved the guitar, though she wasn't nearly as enamored with my vocal efforts so as time passed, I pretty much stuck to the instrumental stuff.

Because she was as close to me as my own mother had been, I considered the opportunity to look after her a privilege, particularly since she'd spent the majority of her life looking after us. My one insistence was that I not be present when she actually died as I was certain I couldn’t handle it. You can probably guess what happened next, but here goes anyway.

My wife and her sister hadn't been out of the house for days and Mom had been sleeping a lot by this point, so one day I suggested they take a quick run to the mall, maybe grab lunch or get their hair done or something. After much coaxing, they agreed.

I was sitting with Mom when I was suddenly and unexpextedly overwhelmed with a feeling that she would enjoy a song.  It took mere seconds for me to retrieve my guitar from the next room but when I returned, Mom's eyes were closed and her breathing was labored. I held her hand until her breathing stopped, and eventually, her heart stopped as well. The moment I'd dreaded my entire life was upon me, but something strange and totally unexpected happened.

As I've aged, my faith has strengthened and my fear of death had eased, but only slightly. Then I witnessed the sublime grace with which this beloved woman slipped away and any trace of fear of death I'd been harboring disappeared. I was instantly overcome with a rush of love, peace and a relief her suffering had ended.

In the end, she managed to present me with one more unforgettable gift. I sincerely hope I can pass the essence of her profound gift along, which is why I posted this.

Having not yet seen the show, my opinion may be premature but by providing a reward for one of these kids, won't Dr. Phil be enabling the damaging behavior displayed by some of these manically driven, unrealistic "Stage Moms"?

I'm hoping the show has a twist ending whereby the "reward" is based in reality (a college scholarship or professional guidance) rather than encouraging the almost certain to be dashed hopes of instant stardom. I guess we'll see...

One fail-safe way of discovering yourself is through the practise of mentorship. The following is an article I once wrote about the most effective mentor I ever encountered. It was entitled "Cal Me Ivan".

After Grade 12, I needed improved math marks to meet the entry requirements for my post-secondary school of choice. This meant summer school so I decided to "re-take" trigonometry. Of all the math courses I'd taken, trig offered the best chance of progress.

Through no fault of my own, I missed the first 3 classes and once I showed up, I was miles behind. I wasn’t familiar with the instructor, but I recognized him. He was an ancient, dapper gnome of a man (literally, he was a tad shy of 4 feet tall), impeccably dressed, with a mischievous eye and a silver brush-cut. I was about to find out he was also one hell of a teacher.

I noted an unusually casual temperament to this class; so much so that the students often referred to Mr. Birdsell by his given name, Ivan.

Thinking this was acceptable, the first time I answered a question I too called him Ivan. Big mistake. He turned on me like a rabid terrier and snarled, "You’ll address me as MISTER BIRDSELL, AND NOTHING ELSE!"

No-one smiled and nor did I. He was tiny but he scared the spit out of me. As time went by and my progress was not as rapid as I’d liked, Mr. Birdsell began spending more time with me. He'd stay late or have me come early, whatever he felt was needed to get me through. He was all business though; the man was not looking for a friend.

On the last day of class, he dragged his apple box up to the board, stood on it and scribbled down the most complex problem I’d ever seen. Despite my fervent prayers for the reverse, he called on me to answer the question. I walked up in a daze and began to work.

20 minutes later I was done but frankly, I had no idea if my answer was correct. After another eternity, Mr. Birdsell turned to me, let his glasses slide to the end of his nose and said, "Mr. Hamilton, call me Ivan." It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

We saw each other now and again for a few years but time, jobs and geography got in the way and I lost track of him...until last Friday. I caught his obituary in the paper and was delighted to find he'd lived 99 years! Before attending his memorial service, I wondered why it was being held in a college gymnasium. Then I saw the hundreds of people my age and older, all there to celebrate a wonderful teacher and, from what I learned later, a great humanitarian and a fine athlete.

It turned out that goblin or no, he was a terrific hockey and soccer goalie as a youngster. He was also a lifetime golf fanatic who maintained the ability to shoot his age through his seventies AND eighties!

That aside and on a personal note, I'll never forget the impact of those three simple words.

“Call me Ivan.”

The best advice I ever got from a teacher was in the 6th grade. My homeroom teacher, Sister Anne, asked if I liked to study. When I replied, "No, not really", she gave me a piece of advice that I followed throughout junior high, high school, college and post-grad courses. It went as follows:

If you

a) Never miss a class.

b) Pay strict attention in class.

c) Do your homework in a complete and timely manner.

d) Take detailed notes.

Aside from reviewing those notes the night before an exam, you will never have to crack a book and study! I made the honor roll in high school, I was in the top 5 percentile in college and I successfully completed dozens of post-grad courses following her advice. It's not a trick, it actually works!

Now, if I could only have convinced my own off-spring!

Re Ansley's alleged "need to be a Mom", I've not seen the show yet but I won't be surprised if it turns out to be the usual story of a teen drama queen's "need" for attention. And seeing as her alleged quest has resulted in international exposure, I'd say it worked! 

As for the impregnated teens hiding their predicament, while this is not new, it's a great idea to assist parents in recognizing the possibility. Unlike previous generations the majority of today's parents spend so much time on their careers, a near must given current living expenses, they often lose sight of their child's current situation. It’s rarely intentional but it does happen.