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Messages By: dlmsigh
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December 5, 2005, 10:57 am PST
 Quote From: me_456 I am currently married to a previously divorced catholic with kids. My husband had been divorced for several years, after finding his wife in bed with his former friend, when we met. However, he had not yet gotten an annulment. He told me he feared there would be reprecussions against his kids who were then attending catholic schools. I told him that I thought he was wrong about that, but that he should talk to his priest. When we began talking about marriage, I told him that if he really wanted to marry me, he needed to apply for an annulment. I am protestant, but I told him that unless he was going to convert, he needed to follow the tenants of his religion or we would never have a happy marriage. He agreed, but then found out it would take seven years to complete the process. Because of my age, this would have mad ethe possibility of children extremely difficult or impossible. We talked to a priest who told us that since the circumstances were very clear-cut (undisputed infidelity), we could marry before the annulment was complete and then get the marriage blessed afterward and that that would be the same as getting remarried within the church.
Later I found out that he had not actually applied for an annulment at all. I was devastated. I feel guilty that I did not ask for more firm proof earlier. My husband says it should not matter to me since I am not Roman Catholic, but I feel it shows a lack of commitment and even respect on teh part of my husband. I feel this has placed a shadow over our entire marriage. My husband also lied about finances. Right now, I almost feel that we don't have a marriage, except that we do have a child together. He did not ask for any of this.
I don't mean to sound as if I am "just a victim". In retrospect, there were many signs that I just did not want to see. I LET myself be blinded. Also, there are always 2 sides to every story. I cannot possible cover it all in this tiny space. However, it is our son and the stepkids are all paying the price.
I don't know where to go from here. Part of me says that I should just leave and get a divorce, but that won't really fix the religious issues. Maybe the only real fix is to move on and seek forgiveness as dictated by my faith. My concern is largely what is best for my son. Leaving will be very difficult financially. Because we live in a very small town where my husband has many connections, I fear that I might not be able to retain custody of my son. My husband had to give up physical custody of his other two. It hurt him very deeply. I know he would fight harder this time. And I don't have a lot of resources.
Ultimately, I am not sure that divorce is even the answer. It is easy to just point a finger any ideas? I think that your husband has shown a lack of respect for you. He lied intentionally about the annulment which in turn began your entire marriage based on a lie. I agree with you how silly it was of him to think that an annulment would cause repercussions for his children at school. That is ridiculous. He obviously never wanted an annulment and that is why he didn't get one. You should definately not feel guilty about not checking up on your intended. You trusted him, which is a mistake we all make, however, the writing is on the wall, the cards are on the table, don't make the same mistake twice. And if you can't trust your husband, what have you got? The child you have with your husband will not be better if you stay together if there is no love, or if there is any type of animosity between his parents. He also will not be better off if you carry a resentment against your husband for the rest of the relationship. If you can truly get past these lies then it may be better to stay but that is a very tough thing to do. You may think you have put it behind you but then it may crop up during arguments or disagreements. No good! A divorce may not fix the religious issue but is that really the reason you are even considering divorce? Isn't it because he lied and disrespected what is important to you? As far as your financial situation, staying for the wrong reasons is never a good thing. I know because I've done it. Life is what you make it and if you feel bitter and betrayed you need to get away from him, even if it is only a separation. Sometimes that is needed to figure out how you really feel. You may discover you can make it on your own. Good luck. |
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December 1, 2007, 3:33 pm PST
I can understand the desire to have biological children. Since I was 25 I wanted to have a baby. I used to tell my friends if I weren't in a relationship by the time I was 30 I was going to have a baby on my own. When 30 rolled around I wasn't financially prepared to be able to become a stay at home mom and my opinion was and is if I couldn't be home to enjoy the growing years with my child then I did not want to have one yet. I pushed the pinpoint age to 32, knowing that the best and safest time to get pregnant is before 35. In the middle of this inner turmoil I met a man who was a widower and had three children. His children were still young but they were no longer infants. I became attached to this family and imagined a life with this man, his three kids, and a baby of our own. Unfortunately he did not want to have any more children. I deluded myself into believing he would change his mind when he saw how different life could be in a two parent household. My dream continued vivdly in my head, only he never changed his mind. He was honest right from the beginning but because I'm used to finding ways to make things work out, I figured this would to. How would he be able to deny me of my deepest desire? Well we are married now, his kids are in their teens, and we do not have a child of our own. For a long time I resented him for not changing his mind about having a baby with me. I felt like I compromised a lot of my dreams for him and that he should want to have a baby with me. Long story short, I began watching children for a living. It's going on about two years now and I love what I do. The kids I enjoy working with are from 9 months to 3 years and I am rewarded everyday by their love and appreciation. Looking back I realize how having a baby with my husband would have been a bad idea especially since he did not want to have another child. I still think about what pregnancy and childbirth would have been like, and I feel guilty for not giving my parents grandchildren, but the relationships I have with his kids are priceless. For all intents and purposes I am their mother. They have often commented to me how I have known them practically their whole life, it has been more than half of it. Though I love his kids as my own and would not trade them for the world, sometimes it's tough when they ask questions about when they were born. They were very little when their mother died and they forget that I was not there. I don't know what happened in the delivery room, I don't know when you took you first steps, I don't know your first words or how funny you were as a toddler. It definately can be emotionally difficult at times but most of the time I realize how much I've given these children and how much they have given me. |
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