Messages By: cybilone

Violence puts all individuals in physical and emotional jeopardy, especially children.  Children living in violent homes need to learn methods which will help them stay safe.  If you are returning home to a violent father, husband, boyfriend, or partner, it is important that your children understand survival skills.  The goals ion teaching survival skills to your children are:

1. That you lessen any feelings of guilt they may have by getting them to understand they are not the cause of the fighting between the adults.

2. Their personal safety is their primary responsibility.

Your children MUST realize that they cannot stop fighting between the adults and that it may be very dangerous for them to attempt to do so.  Instead, the children should be aware of safe places within the home, and if there are no safe places within the home, they need to know how to escape from the house and go to the home of a neighbor or friend.  Once they are safe, they can call someone to help.  AGAIN, emphasize to your children the importance of taking care of themselves by getting to a safe place and not becoming involved in the fight.

To teach survival skills means that children need to learn to answer these questions:

1. How do I know when I am safe and when I am not safe?

2. Where is it safe in my home?

3. Who can I talk to when I feel unsafe?

4. Where can I get help if I feel unsafe?

5. What can I do when I feel unsafe?

6. Who and how do I call for help?

Talk with your children about who they can call when they feel unsafe: a friend, relative, or other adult person who will help them.

Make sure your children understand the difference between emergencies and non-emergencies, and know who to call in each case.  For example, there is a difference between seeking emergency help from the police, or calling an ambulance, and non-emergency needs.

Teach them how to call 911 in an emergency and help them learn other important numbers to call when the situation is not an emergency.

Hope this helps some of you ladies with children. This comes from my support group called WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment). They give these handouts to every one.

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs

Cybil

Never dislike yourself for your choices.  It is not easy to let go of the dream he will change.  Like I've said before it's taken me 14 years to wake up and let go of the dream.

They are so manipulating that we always hang in waiting for one drop of kindness.  He uses that against you. It is not your fault that the words couldn't come out.

No matter what choices you make in this situation "ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF" and know you are a worth while person that deserves better than what you have.

By always placeing value and love on yourself you will eventually gain the total strength you need to finally say the words.

Know that my blessings and love are with you, no matter what choice you make.

CHOICE=ACTION=CONSEQUENCES (sometimes good, sometimes bad)

God Bless

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

I took note of your comment "I've had 2 restraining orders cuz he scares you so bad, but you love him".

First, you need the think in terms that love has nothing to do with it.  Think in terms of your fear of him and what he might do to you. A restraining order will not solve the problem unless you follow thru.  Each time you allow him back, he gains more control, because you allowed him to get away with abusing you.

I have had 14 years of it and finally said "NO MORE".  I have a temporary order and a move out order also. I go to court the 28th for the permenant restraining and move out order.  This is not easy because I to love my abuser. But I had to draw a line between my FEAR OF HIM, and MY LOVE FOR HIM.

He will not change. No matter how many promises he makes. He will do and say whatever it takes to come back and then once back, he will regain control and the abuse will start again.  Each time getting worse than he was before, because he feels stronger.

Build your own strength. While it is a hard decision concentrate on your FEAR, not LOVE.  You are nothing more than property to him and your love is not returned.

Fear is a tool the abuser uses for constant control and manipulation of you.

Be strong and follow thru with the restraining order. Call the police when he violates it. Keep track of dates and times of violations. That is the only way you can protect yourself from him, and eventually put a stop to it.

Remember you are not responsible for him. "HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIMSELF".

My favorite saying right now to keep myself strong is :

CHOICE=ACTION=CONSEQUENCES (sometimes good, sometimes bad).

Make your own choices, take your own actions, and live with the consequences of your OWN making.

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

Haven't heard from you for a while.  Are you OK??

Missing you on the board.

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

You are absolutely right she does have rights.  To get her things is not worth the crap from him.

To put a stop to it -- she can call a Police Stand By unit. They will usually give her 15 minutes to get what she can. They will also keep him away from her while this is happening.

When she goes to court she needs to also ask for a MOVE OUT order on him so she can get possession of the house again. Everything is in her favor if she follows the LEGAL approaches available to her.

Hope this helps,

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

I am in California a joint property state.  Soooooo, even though both names are on something, she can get possession by petitioning the court to give her SOLE possession of items.

She needs to make a list of all items she wants and then submit it to the court (judge) when she goes to court.

Also, she needs to be sure to inform the judge that he has threatened her -- to not go to court. ACTUALLY I BELIEVE WHAT HE IS DOING IS AGAINST THE LAW. Don't know if he can be arrested for this kind of threat or not. 

She is (I take it)Married to him?? If so, then the court will be her best option.  BUT, BY ALL MEANS  "MAKE A LIST OF DESIGNATED ITEMS.  It will help her. If there are children, then she has a better chance of getting the home in court.

I'm lucky, in my case, I'm not married to him any more (ex) and everything is in my name.  So for me it's a slam dunk. Worst case for me is I'll have to evict him if judge does not issue orders I've requested.

But, when I divorced him I did all the paper work myself and got advice from an attorney on how to do it.

Sorry I can't offer more for your friend.  This guy is a real controller and a jerk!!

God Bless

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

Went to court this morning.  He showed up and was his usual hateful self. Judge saw right thru him.

Granted Restraining order and Move out.  It is a 5 year order.  He has to make an appointment with me on August 1st and 2nd to get his stuff.  If he gives me any problems, I just call the police and he goes to jail.

So glad it's nearing an end.  So sad I had to do this because I did love him.

Life goes on.  I will survive.

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

I am here for you -- As often as possible with my health.  Wish you the best.

It really is annoying when you have no privacy -- I know that feeling well.

A piece of advice for computer -- use password protect on every thing you do on comp.

Use numbers (At least 7) with 2 letters at end.  This kind of password is harder for H to figure out and access your sites.

On the bright side for me -- got a little 9 week old doxie. A little girl I call "Maggie". She has brought me a lot of joy.

Am moving on slowly in my new life. Grandson does my yard for me weekly, and have been in contact with my daughter also. Am making new friends and it feels good to be able to communicate with intelligent people, with something to talk about besides themselves.

Oh, ya, almost forgot to tell you --- My grandson's girlfriend is going to have a baby (boy). They are both 18 so it's kids having kids. Looking forward to great grandson in my life, But don't like them being so young.

Get back to me when you can

Love ya, God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs, Barks

Cybil

Doesn't anyone come here any more?? I know there are a lot of abused women/men out there. You all need help and a place to vent, and your not here.

Hope all are ok.

Pleasance, part of last message to you was for 79 person.  Didn't want to address personally to individual for safety.

God Bless all,

Huggs, Purrs, Barks

Cybil