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Messages By: tnhorton

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July 24, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

SIDS Grief

I am new to the boards, however have been a fan of Dr. Phil, his show, and web site. I am just introducing myself to others who are here through thier grief.....

 

I lost my son from SIDS at six and a half weeks old June 12,1999. I have come to a point in my grief where I am able to continue on a daily bases, and also memorialize my child as well. The first year was of course the hardest to get through, and each year following did seem to get easier & easier to cope with. We, as a family talk about Baby Jack regularly, in a normal fashion...as normal as it can be that is.

 

We have made a support group for families who have lost a child from SIDS, and it is our passion to help others through that grief. And of course in the memory of our child is the reason for our hearts desire.

 

I'll continue to browse around this board for grief..... I hope that others have found this board very helpful to them in thier great time of need!

 

God Bless you all!

Nancy

 
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July 24, 2005, 10:36 am CDT

I too lost a son

I don't know how to go on since losing my 21 yr old son last Sept (he drowned while swimming with friends). I feel like insanity is just below the surface. And if I think about him not coming back for more than a second I will go over the edge and not be able toget back....is this normal....what's normal??? Help!!!

First of all I would like to say that I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I too lost a son, very young, at six and a half weeks old, from SIDS. I know that our grief is very different in the fact that you had your son for 21 years & battle not having any other experiences (him in your life) from here on out....and I battle never really knowing my child & what a young man he would have become. However, "grief in general" is very similar regardless the cause of death, relation, or ages. So.....

 

I am addressing your question about "what is normal"

 

Considering one fact, that you lost your son not even a year from now.....this is VERY NORMAL! Typically, the first year, for anyone journeying through grief after the loss of a close loved one is VERY tough! This is the hardest because it is still so fresh. Immediately following a loss, a person is sent into a spin of confusion mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. NOTHING seems normal! Everything around us (in life) we find had something to do with or related in some way to the one we lost, and now we wonder...where do we go from here? It is a lack of balance that has us in such an up-roar of emotions. And it takes quite some time as we work through the grief to gain a new balance in life. 

 

Trust that you are right where you are suppose to be in your grief, as absurd as that sounds. Continue to do the things that help bring you a little added peace at heart. And as you journey your way through your grief, you will look back & realize the changes in you through it all. Turning to others who have been through similar experiences is a great way to work through your grief, you're on the right track!

 

I hope this helps, and that this message finds you having a good day today! Take care!

 

Nancy

 

 

 
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August 27, 2005, 8:35 am CDT

RE:

Quote From: bubspeanjo

Hello Nancy.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  I too lost a child to SIDS.  Our daughter Carlie died of SIDS on April 25th, 2000.  She is a twin.  Her twin brother will be starting kindergarten in about 3 weeks.  You are right, the pain does lessen, though I am having bittersweet moments with Cody starting school.  Buying school supplies for my surviving twin was exciting, but hard at the same time because I know I should be buying for 2. 

 

Where do you live?  I live in Ft Worth Texas.  Have you heard of SIDSFamilies.com?  I frequented that Yahoogroup for a long time.  I recently unsubscribed from the group because I have gotten to a better place.  It was hard for me to offer support now that life is finally getting to a stable place and the overwhelming saddness is not around as much.

 

I have also had another little girl.  She is 2 1/2, will be 3 on 11-2-05.  She was very much our healing baby and really helped our grief. 

 

I was very much into spreading SIDS Awareness and making sure that the average person knew about Back To Sleep and that SIDS cannot be prevented, but now I kind of feel like, my baby is gone, why should it be my job to make sure others try to reduce their risk to save their babies when they won't listen to me?  Do you ever feel like that? 

 

I keep in touch with a group of girls I met online in a Babies After SIDS group, and we don't talk about SIDS much at all.  We talk about our babies, but not that they died of SIDS.  I hate SIDS and I hate what the media has portrayed it out to be.  I hate that many people think SIDS is abuse or murder. 

 

What sort of relationship do you have with First Candle?  Tom Harris, the current president of First Candle was president of the Local member, the Alliance For Infant Survival, here in DFW. 

 

Well, I just wanted to say hi and let you know there is another SIDS mom that reads these boards.  I too haven't posted much so I am pretty new to this.  I hope to talk to you soon.

Hello Carlie ~ Thank you for your reply, it is good knowing that I am not the only SIDS parent here; however I am sorry to hear of your loss as well! And yet good knowing that you have other children as well. For myself, having other kids help to keep my world spinning, if you catch my drift.   

   

I live in Northern Georgia; on the boarder of Chattanooga, TN. I was born & raised in Orlando, Fl & moved up here when my first son was 2 weeks old in 1995....on what was suppose to be a vacation & we decided to stay here lol. It was a bold move, yet a blessing in my life. We love it here. I am married, going on 11 years. And I have two other boys (my first two) who are now 9 & 10 years old.    

   

Yes I have heard of SIDS Families, Back to sleep campaign & First Candle. In fact I was a member of SIDS Families years ago & know of Lydia, the founder. I personally am the founder of MAD AT SIDS Organization & on-line support group. It originated as a support group in memory of my son Baby Jack in May of 2002. A little over a year ago we became a legal organization, offering additional services to the public. I have still not reached all of my goals with MAD AT SIDS (Moms And Dads Against The Sudden Infant Death Syndrome); as we have many plans for our future; as well as the SIDS community as a whole. You are more than welcome to join our on-line support group. Here is a link provided to our forum if interested: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/madatsidssupportgroup/index.php  

   

I do understand your personal frustrations in regards to SIDS awareness! As a moderator of a support group, I have found a lot of struggles with keeping above water with SIDS awareness! The general public is so clueless about SIDS. And you are very right about the ignorance some people have regarding SIDS! Anything from vaccines to being poor....and with SIDS being so taboo still today, it makes it even more difficult to accomplish my goals. However, I do feel that through it all, so long as my message is based in voicing my feelings in memory of my son, then I feel it is worth every ounce of energy I put into it!!! I also feel that if everyone pulled thier weight (which many don't even try) then we would accomplish this easier & faster. Changing the results of SIDS (as far as it being taboo) is one of my main goals in life. I feel that my son Jack has a purpose in life & if this can be one of them then what a wonderful thing that will be!  

   

Well, that is all for now, but I do appreciate your replying! Sorry it took me so long to reply to yours. Take care & God Bless!  

   

   

   

   

 
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August 29, 2005, 12:26 pm CDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: grub48

This weekend my wife asked me a question and it went something like this: 

  

"If you could have one thing in the whole world what would it be?" 

  

Well the answer took less than 20 seconds to come to me.  I replied  

  

"To have an enduring sense and feeling of peace" 

  

I believe that if we have truly found what Dr Phil calls our authentic self then we have that sense and feeling.  If we are true to and within our self then the world can be welcome but does not afflict us with its sham and drudgery because we can move on through and with it all. 

  

The morning brings a new day full of possibility and wonder - fill the day - each of its moments - with anything at all - the experience and beauty is yours to define 

I catch your drift, but just because we are strong & able to cope, doesn't mean that there won't be challenges or that a day won't come where we find our imperfect selves struggling with something in particular. So.....I guess what I am trying to say is that we never gratuate from this effort of ours to have our true authentic self complete & whole forever. I guess that is why we continue to strive for that balance in our lives.
 
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August 29, 2005, 1:08 pm CDT

Coming to terms with my dad after his death

Question.....if he's gone, can I fix it? Not sure if I actually know the answer to this already & want confirmation or what..... But I never had a "great" relationship with my dad to begin with. And to add insult to injury, he was a very tough man to get along with anyway....very harsh! But never the less, we did have some "good times" which I tend to hang on to with a tight fist.....for memory sake. But prior to his death, unknown to me at the time, he had feelings toward me that I was unaware of because he chose not to confront me. Because of those feelings, he cut me out of his will & I found out about it a couple days "after" his death. However, prior to his death (literally days), he was planning to visit me while on a long trip, but never made it. The last time I spoke to him on the phone prior to him leaving for his trip, it was a pleasant conversation & he expressed a lot of excitement about coming. I have often times wondered if he still felt this way (the will) or if he had different feelings when he died but never had the opportunity or forgot (old age) to change the will. So I sit & wonder...........how do I feel about my dad? Do I have unresolved issues with him & can I fix them?
 
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August 29, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

RE: Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: tnhorton

Question.....if he's gone, can I fix it? Not sure if I actually know the answer to this already & want confirmation or what..... But I never had a "great" relationship with my dad to begin with. And to add insult to injury, he was a very tough man to get along with anyway....very harsh! But never the less, we did have some "good times" which I tend to hang on to with a tight fist.....for memory sake. But prior to his death, unknown to me at the time, he had feelings toward me that I was unaware of because he chose not to confront me. Because of those feelings, he cut me out of his will & I found out about it a couple days "after" his death. However, prior to his death (literally days), he was planning to visit me while on a long trip, but never made it. The last time I spoke to him on the phone prior to him leaving for his trip, it was a pleasant conversation & he expressed a lot of excitement about coming. I have often times wondered if he still felt this way (the will) or if he had different feelings when he died but never had the opportunity or forgot (old age) to change the will. So I sit & wonder...........how do I feel about my dad? Do I have unresolved issues with him & can I fix them?

Oh, & let me add...... 

  

It's not the "things of his" that bothers me. Reason why I say this is because my sister was his executor of estate & said that he wanted me to have certain things & passed them along to me, as well as a check that I got in the mail. So this is not a material issue. I could care a less about any of that. I mean it was nice to have some of his things, but it is the fact that "he cut me out". It was like saying that he didn't love me anymore, or disowned me as his daughter. Just simply hurt my feelings.  

 
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September 8, 2005, 1:02 pm CDT

One person...double duty

I am "still" trying to figure out my own life at the age of 36 & I have just had my niece move into our home & her 16 month old daughter who has a "lot" of baggage of her own to deal with & needs guidance as well. I have always said to others that the sick can't help the sick. And this is exactly what I am up against here. I do believe that I am more stable....balanced in my own life than my niece is in regards to many issues, and I am not exactly in need of the intense therapy that she is in ned of right now. At least I am at a point where I can acknowledge my own shortcomings, need for improvemet in certain areas, and also stable enough to seek self help. Where as she is in complete denial still about "everything", comfortable with her situation as is, no motivation to change, can't make a healthy decision on her own, and selfish to boot! I am able to supply a roof over her head...I have to pay my house payment rather she's here or not.....so that I can give her & doesn't harm me. But these other things....money, mental & emotional support I am finding a tough time finding just for myself, let alone any to offer another. How do I help my niece who is in this desperate situation & not allow it to affect me in mine?
 
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September 10, 2005, 4:04 am CDT

Are you ready to become her role model?

Quote From: marcia52

Being a role model isn't an easy thing to do.  Remember what they say about children .... they do what you do, not what you say.   If you want your niece to straighten up her life, you will have to lead by example.  It means committing to working stuff out. 

  

For example, with me, it's financial freedom/security.   I'm facing my fears & anxieties and doing something about it. 

  

If you find yourself in a pattern that you want to stop, definitely read:  SELF MATTERS - it provides some wonderful tools to help you get a handle on why you keep sabotaging your goals.   

Yes, I agree that showing is a lot more affective than telling. And I have noticed that my niece has picked up on some things that I do just naturally & she will then do as I do (with her baby I am in reference to); however, with herself & her own personal issues that she has to face, she hasn't picked up on.   

   

A lot of this I know is simply a maturity thing...like realizing certain things in life have a bigger priority than others; like bills instead of spending her money on a bunch of junk, things like that. Also another maturity issue that I am finding difficult to deal with is she is still playing those teen-age games & she's in her 20's.....lying, cheating, finding ways out of doing something important & making excuses, not wanting to take any of her time to care for the baby's needs when it presents itself & expecting/allowing others to do her dirty work, laziness & not looking for a job, pretending to be sick for attention....basically not growing up.  

   

My other concern is her well being mentally & emotionally. She has had a very tough life which I do understand is a part of why she acts the way she does to some degree. This child has had a rough life......all of her life! She has been abused physically, sexually, mentally & emotionally since about the age of 2 years old. In all honesty, she has done pretty good considering the challenges she has been dealt in her life. However, she doesn't see the need for professional help...and she sooo needs it. She has been a good girl, as far as staying off of drugs, alcohol, etc. through it all & has a heart bigger than the earth & wouldn't want to hurt a sole....therefore she deserves to have a good life. But I also know (based on my own experiences in life) that she must get help in order to get better. And I don't know how to show her this...only tell her????  

   

 
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September 10, 2005, 4:25 am CDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: taemanai

Particular things we do and say, right or wrong, as with lottery, is the fact that life consists of struggles and triumphs, temporary, important, that enables and hinders progress, but yet as with the earth, it will go onwards anyway, whether we prepare or not, and except for a few role-models, will be forgotten, for good. 

  

Taemanai   

Yes I agree, through my own experiences I have learned all too well that challenges are a part of life & what defines our true self & our strength. In the tough times I have learned the phrase "This too shall pass" which helps in at least getting through a moment of depression & can even get you off the pitty pot, per say.   

   

I am just faced with helping my niece who definately needs help & in some areas I wonder if I am helping or hindering. I don't want to be an enabler, yet on the other hand she needs love & attention as well. So finding that balance for me is a challenge in itself, let alone the fact that if she is with me I want it to do her some good & actually gain from this oportunity she has right now. I don't want her to leave here....still troubled by these things. I want to help her in any way that I can to better her life. Yet I wonder if she even wants the help. I think deep down she does, but yet many things (issues) get in the way of her actions to get better. I just hope that since I have taken her under my wing, that I can help her.  

 
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September 10, 2005, 4:35 am CDT

Thanks

Quote From: taemanai

To some people, the world to others. 

Thanks for sharing that, I am one who personally have trouble saying thank you. I never thought of it that way....that it would hurt others. I am one who just have a hard time taking credit for some things. I'm a people pleaser at heart anyway, not to mention a person with self esteem issues; which I know play a lot into not wanting to accept another persons compliment. But thanks for sharing, from now on I will keep that in mind when another person is gracious enough to say that they appreciated what I have done.
 

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