Messages By: ploring

Channel 9 Australia are intentionally taking older and older editions of your show. We will be lucky to see the current shows before July 2006, by which time many will be completely out of context. Certainly the many interesting message boards will be inactive and as well as many of the valuable links. 

In Self Matters Phil talks about the importance of being in touch with your own values. Although generosity of spirit is clearly one of Phil's and Robin's I think the show is moving towards over indulgence. Not sure if that is quite the word I'm looking for? The actual material value of the gift is far less important than the feelings that accompany them. However, when the gifts become ever more valueable and in a monetary sense generous, it raises the expectation of all participants of the show in that materialistic view of value. It's a bit like Lotto, I'd rather see 200 seniors get half a million each than one get $100M. 

For me the real benefit comes from Phil's techniques, skills and opinions that he has brought from psychology to helping people in their everyday lives. 

I see a real dichotomy in Phil's advice implying better balance in our lives and families, and in doing that it often requires curtailing materialistic objectives so that one can spend more time with family, loved ones and for yourself, as it is in our relationships that the high value benefits all eminate, but then demonstarting his warmth and caring through extravagant materialistic means. 

I wonder which would be more valuable to Robin? Phil putting an apron on and making her some homemade rum bonbons with a card with some of his poetic words, or a diamond necklace? What would Robin do for Phil, for under $10? 

In a partnership you need openness and honesty, and that always includes finances. Whoever, manages the finances is doing that on behalf of the family not just themselves. To do that you need a plan, ie, what do you want to do with you joint income, how big a mortgage, how fast to pay it iff, holidays, long term savings, superannuation for both, cars and how often will they be replaced. From these lifestyle plans you can map out a budget, and find out if you can afford you plan, etc.

When we give our kids pocket money, as part of that process we start teaching them money management, saving for a toys, etc, however, we need to keep in mind that it is their money for their enjoyment not the parents. Likewise we need to allocate from our joint income and budget, pocket money (the same amount) for both parents, for them to spend or save exactly as they wish. So just as with the kids we buy, say, our sports magazine and hobby, save for family birthday presents, fags (or though I would rather not), etc.

Buy as little as possible for the family budget from cash, ie, use the credit card with automatic direct debit payment, that way all spending is transparent. Get a money mgt program on your PC like 'Quicken' and download your statements every month, so that you all see what is happening with your joint budget.

One of Dr Phil's rules is it takes two yes's or one no. You either come to terms with that, or you get out.

It is foolish to make one single choice of your partner the defining aspect of their love. Are you so flawless?

Marriage was never about the relationship between the two lovers and certainly isn't these days, it was for the benefit of those outside the relationship, the authorities, the extended family, etc. It should not impact the feelings between the two lovers one iota.

Check out Dr Phil's list of what makes a successful relationship, is having a marriage ceremony critical?

The things that make it successful are what you do to make your lover's day better, with no expectations in return. You can't give her or him marriage, it takes two yes's. So there is no point in getting out of the current relationship until you have come to terms with that, as chances are the next lover also won't want marriage. Why go on getting unhappy and frustrated, when in all other respects these are great people to spend your life with?

Read what BetteD55 had to say.

My experience in Western Australia, ie, paradise, is very much the same as many here. I’m a 57-year-old baby boomer, although a large part of the Dr Phil audience, but not a group that gets to feature much, and certainly not in the lover relationship game.

Traditionally ladies have not given their age, but online, (rsvp.com.au is the most popular site here, match.com much less so) you have to be honest and many are not. Likewise their photos are from times past. People who class themselves as average when they are actually obese are not only kidding themselves but heading for disappointment when the first meeting occurs. Although many ladies say one thing on their profiles their decision making seems contrary, eg, “its what’s on the inside that counts”, but they are after high earners; we don’t have to have similar hobbies and interests so long as you are a great dancer, why is dancing the number one requirement of most ladies? I am not after one thing, in fact its an urban myth that men are more sex driven than women, like Madonna 3 times/week is fine by me. I’m looking for someone of my own era, not 20 years younger. I hope you have opinions, intelligence, wit, values; I am tall, active and slim and am attracted to similar ladies; I don’t see why I or others should be lambasted about not liking obesity in themselves or their lovers, but neither am I a skinny model with a six pack, and expect some things to have gone south, wrinkles and some aches and pains!

Dr Phil has said that that you need to go to target rich places to find a lover. For baby boomers, that isn’t as obvious as for say late teens and early 20s. For a start most ladies who have had children and looked after the family home are often most comfortable at home, or when out, like to be with a group of other ladies. How does a single guy get to make contact in such scenarios? Men hunt as solos, women in groups! Men aren’t in bars because they are the best place to be, but where else can you go any day of the week, no entry fee, where at least there might be someone to pass the time of day, some music to listen too, etc. Where do baby boomer women go any day of the week, no entry fee, just to say ‘Hi’? Men are visual, not by choice, women apparently sort out the men by smell, it’s all about breeding, although that’s not what I seek!

I don’t think it is smart to try to have an online love affair. If you make contact with someone too far away, ie, that you can’t meet easily and quickly, then it is a highly risky. It is my believe that you can only see if there is any magic, by face to face contact, and like it or not that is an important component of selecting a mate. So don’t spend too much time falling in love online, rather find out enough to know you want to meet, then just do that. I prefer a walk in a popular park or beach, rather than a coffee, drink or dinner. Men tend to be much more open with unfamiliar people when walking side by side than face to face. Make the first meeting really brief, to put a real face to the name and hopefully have a proper date a little later. For the attraction aspect of relationships, speed dating is very informative, you’d be amazed at how quickly you can filter people out, and that women do it in milliseconds by smell is staggering!

It isn't a perfect way of finding someone to meet. How can we make it better and more suitable for the wide variety of age groups?

I agree Dr Phil's programmes were much better in the very first series. We got his expertise, enthusiasm, intelligence and common sense as a gift, rather than freebies and endorsements.

We aren't part of the smart set suitable for TV! Most of Dr Phil's team, as good as they are, are also in a much younger age group, part of the smart set themselves.

It seems to be too hard for Dr Phil to take on this real issue. Although he often quotes the divorce percentage rate, it seems strange not to get the obvious, ie, that a lot of older people must be in the singles market. Many have got it wrong several times. But as I get older meeting ladies of a similar age is getting increasingly difficult. What and where are the target rich sources of baby boomers?

Another issue that is obvious from many posts is how can online dating services be improved? What are Dr Phil's suggestions? Does he have a check list that these services ought to fulfill.  I don't think it is realistic to expect them to fool proof. But, I think more can be done about dishonesty and deceitfulness, using feedback from other members. Lets weed out what seems to be largely married men just wanting illicit relationships, and the men after one thing. Photographs should all include the date when taken. There are probably questions in the profiles that can be used for verification, just as any good questionaire would have, I'm no expert but maybe, weight, clothes sizes, etc, to create a body profile, eg, hourglass vs pear shape.

I don't agree that these service should be used to trigger long term online supposed romances. I'm really pleased that some of these work out very well. However, my experience is that just as in life, most of the ladies I meet are great, ordinary, normal people, but only a very few have that special magic. Often these aren't the ladies that I have the best exchanges of e-mails, as also some are. So I believe strongly that these service should be used primarily to bring potential people together, ie, to meet face to face. Moreover, that meeting should be within a week, two at most, of your first online meeting. Of course those first meetings need to be in popular, safe meeting places.

Paul