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Messages By: marcia52

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July 26, 2005, 6:44 am CDT

A woman aftger my own heart

Quote From: blgspc

Ya know, when I was preparing to finalize my separation/retirement I was experiencing a bit of anxiety and apprehensiveness. I actually found myself gnawing at my nails.

Then, I began thinking of how long I've been working with the, "Just get the job done." thinking. I don't mean that I devalue the people I serve and I certainly cherish most of the people with whom I've work with, however, I sure became aware of how much respect I've lost for the 'System' in which I work!

I thought about all of the people who have been right there with me, in the trenches. That's when I said, "I'm worried about NOT being in the TRENCHES...a long narrow ditch?!?!"

I also realized that I really LOVED my job about 15 years ago. As I was being promoted and saying at the same time, "But, I REALLY want to continue to work hands-on in Nursing." So, they gave me BOTH! Acute Primary Care and Management responsibilities! I was an idiot to take on the things I've been assigned in the last ten years!

I will miss those wonderful people I work closest with over the year. (Hey, they think I'm funny!)

However, once I got clear. I grabbed my shoulder bag, with my dingy head held high and headed for the Personnel Office to file for full retirement!

YES!

Brenda :-)

WOW! I too got tired of the system - worse, was discovering that so many people were so unhappy that they were hurting other people.  I didn't take a full retirement - I took an early retirement which meant I lost 6% of my pension and in debt - means I'm going to look for a job.  And that's okay cause after 7 months, I'm really not wanting to stay at home 24/7 anymore. I want people and I want to explore some of my skills that was looked down upon.

 

My turning point came the summer of 2003 when I decided that I was going to take an early out.  I looked into it and slowly allowed the knowledge that I was going to be letting go of a life style that was so painful.  When December 2004 rolled around, I had released work and all the folks (that was the hardest for me - I really made some nice friends).  I remember coming to work 1 day and just put my head down on my desk and said - I can't do this anymore - where is this early-out.  I need to leave -- I can't come to work anymore and just sit here.  Yep, I ran out of work in Jan. 2004 - can can you believe I was told just to come in and get a pay check!  The only good thing was that I was able to read & start using Self Matters - figured that work was my biggest TRUTH so I began to slowly re-think my role in my script.  

 

Then 1 day, they announced the buyout for the end of December.  They were offering $25,000 if some of us left.  I didn't qualify for it; but I went anyway.  I began 2005 tackling my thinking - I can't believe how intense some of those tapes are - took me 4-5 months to finally let them go.  MER was really hard.

 

Then I turned SELF on my family & friends.  I have turned a complete 360 degrees -- but it's different. Still have the same family & friends, added a kitten, and I may have finally found a career that I truly feel is mine.

 

I too left with my head held high.  I couldn't believe I took that step either.  The only thing that kept me from not going was remembering that moment in early December when I felt so lost and was so unhappy cause the early out hadn't been offered yet!

 

Marcia

 
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July 26, 2005, 6:53 am CDT

YES read the book!

Quote From: smiles23

Thanks to all of you who shared your stories on the message board about becoming and finding your authentic self. From the sounds of it, Dr. Phil's bookis the place to start? I am happy in my career but find that I have a very negative viewpoint and not a lot of self confidence. I look at others in awe because they seem to be handling life so well...whether they are or not, they just look and seem happier. Is Dr. Phil's book the first step in defining myself and what will make me happy?

When I first attempted to read the book in April 03, I read the first 3 chapters & did the workbook (the workbook really helps too!) - my year motto was:  NO MORE GRIEVING.  I spent the next months saying that to myself every morning and every night.  It was my mantra.

 

Then I picked up Dr. Phil's show during a family death watch that summer and jumped on the Weight Loss Challenge.  I found that when I read Keys 1 & 2, I became so upset. I joined a support group and had to re-read those 2 keys and I was LOSING IT!  So I turned to Self Matters in February and when I put the book down a few months later, I chose one of my long term goals:  sewing (39 years dream), to use to help me with my thinking.  I figured that I needed to focus on something that I could develop goals and track my goals.  Cause goals always bought me so much pain. 

 

It was painful and it was hard.  But once I got past the writing down my past - I realized he was right, I'd been living in that pain for so long, it was addictive. I mean, if I had really bought closure to it, the pain would have gone away and it wouldn't be nothing but a memory - not my NOW LIFE.

 

If your memories are painful, BREATHE! it does get better.  Only took me a few months to learn to challenge my thoughts and now I'm an expert. I do it without thinking!  I've been saying positive things to myself for quite a long time now!

 
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July 26, 2005, 7:02 am CDT

I with you about goals!

Quote From: hisjewel

I don't really know how to do that I mean really it does seem like i am never happy with anything i do it can always be better.......... how in the world am i suppose to ooooo i don't know grrrr....... well i don't know i am soooooooooooooo confused!!!! I am past confused

In Weight Loss Solutions, Chapter 2 - Dr. Phil went into Goal work.  I couldn't read it cause every time I've done goal work, I just lost it cause I never got it done.  In 2004, my motto was:  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT so I turned to Stephen Covey's THE 7 EFFECTIVE HABITS of EFFIENCIENT PEOPLE and it was an eye opener for me.  Then I spent the next few months teaching myself how to focus and do goals.  The hardest thing for me to learn (and it still is) is asking myself when will I know I have reached it?

 

Confusion and unhappy with what's going on in your life is a sign of depression.  Are you seeing a therapist?  See if you can locate one in your area that is into Cognitive Therapy. 

 

 
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July 26, 2005, 7:25 am CDT

Sounds like a rut...

Quote From: turtleplus

Hello there,

I am new to message boards and don't often get to post/get on the net. I am 45yrs old, single professional counselor and just feeling really lost on my spirit's journey. I spend a lot of time just working with families and adolescents and trying to fit in time for myself. I like to jog, and do so 4miles per day, and swim for 2 miles, it helps to reduce stress, keeps me fit and trim and hopefully makes me attractive to a potential mate. I am Native American and participate to two different worlds. It's getting hard to keep it going... When I have my professional hat on, it feels so natural and I have such fun with it, despite all the problems I deal with with my families. Yet, when I come home and I am alone, I often wonder if I have walked my path in truth and made a difference. I have no children, and no partner except Spirit. I often find myself wondering why my Higher self would choose such a path for me, yet, I accept this path but, not sure anymore how to continue the walk/journey.

I welcome any feedback/ideas.

Spirit Bless,

Monica

Hi Monica, it sounds like you are in a rut with your thinking - are you judging you life as NOT RIGHT because you are alone?  You are providing people with so much help and assistance and yet, you sound like you are so unhappy because of your "need a man" thinking.  Do you realize you wrote it out twice in your message?

 

It sounds like are living off reservation or not near a Indian community.  Maybe it's time for you to add other things into your life that will help meet people.  For example - get into Native Dancing -- the pow pows are everywhere and brings together native americans from all over.  In Nothern Ohio, there are 2-3 of them every summer.  There's also Native American neighborhood organizations as well. 

 

If being with a non-native is okay with you, then look into joining a running club or swimming club.  Check the web to see if there is one in your area.

 

Your higher self chosed the right path professionally - you had to go out and go to a school, had to join a professional society or 2.  I know that ACES is the native american engineering society - look for a mental health one.

 

Monica, it means spreading yourself out - it means meeting people that have the same interest as you.  Your day is filled with people and can be exhausting at the end of the day.  However, if you don't step out of the rut of your 24/7 life, you will continue to tear apart your day when you get home.   Challenge those thoughts because if you really were hurting people, you would know when did at work!  Stop beating yourself up and make your list of what you want in a mate, what do you want to share (for me, I want to meet someone who is into Orienteering).  Make a list of what you can do to GO OUT & MEET NEW PEOPLE.   

 

Marcia

 
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July 26, 2005, 7:35 am CDT

Rules about retiring!

Quote From: blgspc

Oh! Ritehere, Teri, Michelyn5 and Longstory, I have missed you all so MUCH!!!!

I was just browsing and reading to try and catch up with every one! Hope everyone is having a fabulous summer!!!

Only 3 more working days before I am officially retired-from this particular position, that is. RETIREMENT... sure hope I'm doing it correctly!

I just have no experience at retiring. Is it supposed to be one of those solemn, somber things or like a 'Yee-ha, it's party time, ya'll!' kinda thing? Hope it's NOT too serious. I don't have a single decent black outfit! And, that black hat and veil are just plain gone... lost the veiled black hat while racing down the road after a funeral!!!

So good to have the board back! I've missed you all!

Oh! I did return to the beach, have another M-O-T-H-E-R story, later!

Brenda :-)

As a newly retired person as of 1/1/05, the best advice I can give you is:

  1. Get a calendar and block off 3 months!  Start counting backwards and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES sign up or commit yourself to anything!!  You have to stop the YEARS OF BUSYiness that you are used to.  Many of the folks that retired with me, signed for classes & stuff and ended up totally living the same life style.  Give yourself a break ...  take a vacation, whatever!  For me, I chose to tacking turning my house into my home (I spent anywhere from 9-12 hours 5 days a week working - so basically, I just lived here)!  I took everything out of every closet, box, whatever and went thru it.  I got rid of so much crap! 
  2. Walk thru house and make a list of everything you have ever wanted to do and go thru the list.  Do you still want to do it?  and Why?  
  3. Do the same with your yard.
  4. Give yourself permission to slow down.

At first experienced fear - I've never known a time without working -- I retired 2 months short of my 31 years (and that doesn't include other jobs I've worked). 

 

Is it a wonderful experience!  As long as you give yourself permission to enjoy the time.  Step back and BREATHE.  I mean, when was the last time you had time off, got paid for months and months and months! 

 

Funny thing, I always thought I was an afternoon person, but I'm up anywhere from 7 to 8 a.m. every day!  No alarm clock!   And I had to use an alarm clock to get up every morning to go to work!

 

 

 
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July 26, 2005, 7:47 am CDT

Finally I feel that it's over!

I started the path of living DAMAGE CONTROL. Took me 13 years to finally discovered Self Matters and it all finally came together as a nice neat little package!  I couldn't believe the fairy tale life I had created - such a victim - such a whimp!  It was everyone else that was wrong & bad!  and when I finally faced the shame & humiliation that I was living the life style I created for myself and had no one to blame but myself - I cried.

 

That was last spring 04.  I then practiced the tools in Self Matters and tackled all my self-destructive behaviors.  It was awful at first -- then slowly ever so slowly, I began to replace my negative self-talk with positive tapes.   I found myself challenging my thinking!  I am able now to figure out all the little tapes that I say that keeps me my from life style.

 

One of the hardest tapes has been the one I have with my mom.  And on Friday, 7/22, I finally heard the words I've been seeking --  sit down with her and talk to her one-on-one - no blaming, no condemning -- just be truthful about how her words hurt me.

 

I can do it with a friend, co-worker, whoever, but I never could do that with my mom.  I want to be an adult now.  That is how an adult behaves. 

 

I can finally read Weight Loss Solutions and bring closure to Key 4, Step 2 at long last.  Cause now, the only urges to eat are because I'm bored not because of the DREAD I feel when dealing or being with certain people.  Its' such a strange feeling you know.  But I'm going to get used to it really really fast!

 

Marcia, now living her life as an adult and not responding as an 8 year old!

 
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July 26, 2005, 8:02 am CDT

My payoff... I'm sorry to say is....

Well, I know what my payoff is!  And I learned it quite by accident.

 

BACKGROUND:  My sister was having the last of her reconstructive breast surgery on Friday and I was out shopping with my mom on Wednesday. 

 

THE AHA MOMENT:  I'm driving down the road heading to a store, my arm is feeling really hot because the weather is in the 90's. I make statement:  I forgot to put my sunscreen on.

 

MOM:  You are the most unhealthiest person I know.

 

I couldn't believe her words!   It's not like I hadn't heard them before, cause she's been telling me this for years and years!  It was a tape that she popped up with!

 

The thing is, other than my menopause & hyperthyroidism (which I blame on menopause) and being overweight, I don't have any other physical problems! 

 

Later that day, I sat down and journaled the conversation and allowed myself to FEEL the emotions I was experiencing.  

 

I felt SHAMED & EMBARRASSED that at 52 years old, I was the healthiest of 6 kids (and I'm the oldest).  I couldn't believe that I kept myself FAT so that I could eventually get diabetes (like 2 sisters), or breathing problems (like my brother, mom, & dad), or have my gall bladder taken out or high pressure .. or any numerous illnesses that family members currently have.

 

My payoff was:  I couldn't fit the tape my mother & I lived with for so long.  If was healthy and at my ideal weight, then I would be shameful!

 

I'm still dealing with that day.  Funny thing is, that Friday when I took my sister & mom to get her prescriptions, my mom said it again!  YOU ARE THE MOST UNHEALTHIEST PERSON I KNOW.  My sister jumped laughing and told my mom what was she thinking!  That I was the healthiest member of the family!

 

It's a really old script and yet, that little script/role that I have been playing for so very long as finally bought closure to my payoff!

 

There's no more excuses any more.  My goal now is to lose 10 lbs by my birthday (10/29).  I don't hear any more static - I gave myself 2 weeks to hear it and tackle it -- but nothing seems to be popping up other than -- well, I need to add a vigorous activity to my exercising and I need to work on adding veggies to my diet! 

 
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July 26, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

Tackling my debt

When I retired, I closed out my 401K and paid off my house, a couple of my credit cards, and purchased those things that were actually needed so that I could stop the whinning.  I even managed to get some work done on my home!

 

I get a pension and I do have health insurance.  For that, I'm very thankful for.  I know that I'm going to need another job and that I may have to work for the next couple of years to pay off my $18,000 of debt that I've managed to accumulate over the last few years because I was so depressed and unhappy working at a place that wasn't a healthy place to work for me and others.

 

But I know that it will be better but I need to face my financial fears first so I chose to read & do all the exercises in Suze Orman's book:  The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom.  One thing she asked me to do was figure out what my credit card finance charges were & I was suprized to discovered that my 6.5% rate had been raised to 11.99% - all my credit cards except for the one where I transferred my balance to had been raised!  My lowest is 10.99% now (it used to be 9.9%). 

 

I've been keeping track daily of my spending and having to acknowledge where my money goes to.  It's really frightening to live is such fear to not want to know when not knowing keeps me where I am - in debt.

 

I'm retired now and on a fixed income and yet, I know that I will get myself out of debt quickly.  Luckily, I don't need to go to a financial management company and have them work with my debtors to work out a payment plan.  I can do this on my own!  And if I can't, then well, I'll turn to them!

 

I'm not going to allow myself to listen to any negative self-talk that will keep me from reaching my goal.  If those folks who are $100,000 in debt are willing to sit down and bite the bullet so can I.

 

You know what the funny thing is - when I finally acknowledged that I've always been in debt and that working on getting out of debt was going to be hard for me because I was going to continue living in debt - no change in life style for the next few years.  However, I would have a plan in place.  I feel kinda stupid - I mean, if I've always been in debt (house, car, insurances, credit cards, loansl) then what is the big deal about stepping back, acknowledging what my fears are and then doing something about it.

 

Being in debt and afraid to face my fears isn't going to be a reason for my overeating any more!  There are ways to get out of debt - I just have to find the one that will work for me!

 

Marcia

 
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July 27, 2005, 10:18 am CDT

My heart is with you ....

Quote From: teri_id

You know, Life continues to be a learning experience.  My boyfriend and I have pack goats.  We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask.  Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June.  While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross.  Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit.  He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued. 

 

 There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes.  I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me.  Appearantly not deep enough.

 

Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down.  At first we thought he was dead.  He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot.  We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds.  We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg.  I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous. 


Turns out, when we crossed that log, my boyfriend remembered a stick poking up, and when Mackay crossed, he must have punctured his chest with that stick.  He had been suffering from this the whole time.

 

We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat.  He is doing better, but only time will tell. 

 

I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw.  I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it.  I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense.  Thus, I am carrying guilt. 

 

I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc.  I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening.  Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt?  It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite.  This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything.  Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for "listening" to me.

Teri

I have said a prayer for you.  You have and are doing all that you can for your beloved. And he knows it.  You feel guilty because you have 1001 things you should have done and didn't.   That is the past and you can not do anything to change it.  It wasn't done deliberately and dealing with guilt isn't going to help you with your beloved, Mackay. 

 

Give him your special attention and it means doing whatever you feel is the right thing. 

 

Know that you have learned from this sad time in your life.   You will never let it happen to Mackay again or to any of your other beloveds. 

 

I came home from a trip to find my beloved Victor (my cat) had an open sore.  He got hit by a car for the 2nd time.  I can't keep him in my home and I can't live with guilt because it's his choice to be an outside cat.  all I can do is pay the medical bill (for the 2nd time in 4 years) and pray that this time he's learned that when it comes between him and a car - he's going to lose.  The first, I felt so guilty but then I had to remember, they do not listen or behave in ways that we do.  In fact, an animal when hurt will hide it because in the wild, they would be left to die. 

 

Because you are doing your best and you are taking care of him with all that you can - know that Mackay understands.  He will survive because you give him strength and love daily. 

 
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July 27, 2005, 10:24 am CDT

The path to truth is painful!

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

 

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

 

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

 

Thank you

 

Your english is fine - you write better than I do at times.

 

I believe that our truths are all painful and when we face our truths, we discovered that our lives were based on untruths.  For many of us, it's because we made assumptions and then lived our lives with those assumptions.  For others, those that were the adults told us lies and we then lived to those lies.

 

I know it's painful to discover the truth but you will survive it and become stronger than you ever were before.  YOu now know the truth and what lies still exist will slowly surface and you can challenge them. 

 

Think of this as a rite of passage into wisdom not the end of all things that you know.  I believe that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  Could you have handled the truth a year ago?  or even earlier? 

 

Know that inside yourself you have the strength and power to face what is going on.  Take it slowly and BREATHE.  Talk to your most closest friends about this.  ALlow yourself to voice your hurt and pain. It may take a while to work thru the emotions and the hurt.  But you are strong and a power person in your own right.

 

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