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Messages By: marcia52
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July 28, 2005, 6:41 pm PDT
 Quote From: jb7ctx I have credit cards as well and one thing I do is when I go to pay my payment each month, I look on my credit card statement at the "finance charge". (it ususally is in a dollar amount). I add the finance charge to my minimum payment and pay it. Sometimes if I have more money, I will pay more towards the credit card. If you dont add the finance charge to your minimum payment, and you just send in the minimum payment you will see an increase in your credit card balance because they will add that finance charge to it. (a creditor told me this). Also I send in my payments at least a week before it is due, due to the mail running late or holidays. If I dont it may get there late and they will add a late charge on it. Another thing I do is whenever I receive a pre-approved credit card notice, if it has a lower interest rate on it, I will transfer one of my higher interest rate cards on to it. I will pay on it until the interest rate goes up (after a certain amount of time) and then I will transfer it to another low interest rate card. There have been sometimes when I didnt have enough money to pay on my credit cards, so I would take a "check" from another credit card company and pay on one of my credit cards if I cant make that payment that month. I make the cards work for me. I always shuffle them around and find ways that make them work for me. I keep some of my credit cards open even though they are paid off (thanks to another credit card transfer) but some of them I close out once they are paid off so it wont be on my credit report. I try not to do many credit reports from other companies, because the more credit reports you do, it will eventually go against your credit. (A Credit Union told me this). Always look for the lowest interest rate to do a balance transfer. I had one credit card application that was for 0% interest rate and I transfered one of my cards to it. It was 0% up until 8 months then it went to 7.9%, so I transfered it to another 0% interest rate and finally got it paid off. Just wanted to share some of my experiences. Hi, just wanted to let you know that cancelling a credit card can damage your credit score. Yes, for real!!! Suze Orman said it once and then I just read it again in a magazine.
I'm using Suze Orman's book The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom to help me deal with my fears. I've been spending years getting to this point. One of the reasons I'm so in debt is because of my unhappiness at my job and with my life itself. But I did manage to do something every so often to help to get to this point in my life.
SInce chosing this goal, I have learned many things:
Well, #2 isn't the highest, #3 has the lowest balance. #4 means I'm going to have to learn - luckily, I signed up for something called CREDIT OBSERVER when I started to hear so much about theft identity. It's an insurance type thing and it sends me a quarterly report of my credit report.
Now that I'm focused on this goal, I can now use their service to help me learn. They have something called "Credit Education Specialists". And they have a 1-800 too boot.
My goal is to pay off the lowest balance and then begin tackling the next credit card.
I think that what shocked me the most was that my credit card companies had raised my finance charge %s and I never caught it. I had one that was at 6.5% and now it's at 11.99%. It happened to my mom as well and she has another credit card company.
Have you attempted to track your daily spending? or are you good at that? My goal is to conquer my MINDLESS SPENDING by 10/1/05. I'm doing rather good. This was my first month to track my spending and it was surprising to say the least. I was really off on "ALLOCATING FUNDS" - but it was my 1st attempt and now, I know that I can be more realistic than when I started. (It's one of the things that Suze wants me to do.) |
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July 28, 2005, 6:50 pm PDT
Quote From: queentween I can understand how you all are feeling. Its really tough to get back on top of the world when you feel like everyone is trying to stand on top of you. It would be great to win powerball, but that isn't going to happen. If you take that $1 you spend 2 times a week, at the end of the year, you have $104- enough for an electric light bill. If you stop buying soda at the convenience store for .99, and instead buy it in cases at the discount place, you can save about $20. (24 pack is about $5, or 24 sodas at the convenience store=$24) If you can refrain from buying lunch and dinner at a fast food place, and instead eat at home, you can save a lot. The thing is, you can't save a thousand dollars today, but you can save $1. And soon, that $1 will turn into $100. All I can say is educate your children. The money you spend on educational costs like tuition, books, etc is much better spent than on bail, rehab places and emotional stress...... I know it's a strange goal but I got it from Suze Orman's book that I should be able to handle large amounts of money without having to throw my hands up and turn it over to someone to handle for me. When I read it, I laughed because HAVEN'T YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO WHEN & IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY. I have and I realized that if I was going to get past my fears, I was going to have to admit I could win (and yes I'm on the family Lottery Ticket) I needed to be able to face my fears.
I'm just now getting comfortable with acknowledging that I need to understand "investments". Luckliy, I'm still working Step 3 and Step 4 is wills/trusts and stuff like that. (I'm doing Suze Orman's 9 Steps book).
But every month I receive numerous magazines and there are at least 1 article I can pull out and review to see where I stand. It allows me to redefine my goals cause they always have numerous steps. They also reinforce what Suze Orman said in her book - like tracking my daily spending and setting up a monthly allocation for stuff. |
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July 28, 2005, 7:03 pm PDT
For those of you who have ever bought a home - do you remember the escrow account the bank setup to make sure you paid your property taxes? Well, when I was filling out the application to purchase my home, I picked up a brochure on ESCROW - it explained what it was. I had the greatest financial AHA moment of my life!
I mean, if the bank took out money every month from my house payment for the escrow account for taxes that were paid twice a year -- THEN WHY COULDN'T I DO THE SAME FOR MY HOUSE PAYMENT, WATER, SEWER, AND OTHER QUARTERLY BILLS/EXPENSES! So I went home and figured out what I would have to pay for everything. I included insurance payments -- everything! I figured out all the expenses (for the 1st year I had to estimate water & sewer) and divided everything by 26 weeks. Then I went to the bank and opened a separate savings account and then had my bank transfer monies into it.
The house payment was so much easier for me to pay because instead of 1 big payment, I was able to split it in 1/2. Before that, it seemed that 1 check I was POOR and then the next check I was better.
It was hard at first because I didn't have the ESCROW ACCOUNT BUILT UP - like the bank, I had to pay the first couple of months from my check until I got my 6 month car insurance bill and I was able to send them a check. It took me a while to get myself NOT TO TOUCH the account.
I still do have the ESCROW account and I've added other things too - like vacations and car tags and car emergencies. The latter isn't much but $10 a month for a couple of months does help me to not charge the full repair on my credit card. |
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July 28, 2005, 7:13 pm PDT
Quote From: labelfree Cannot stay in a victim role...Got to move on....Got to get strong...I had to find a new life that was going to work for me...Had to make changes had to live my life fruitfully....I needed to talk about it talk about it talk about....Reach inside myself.....Purge the pain.....Read that book...CRY and than POOF>>>>I thought it was all over....But as the days pass and I still visit here I still cry hot tears and I identify so much with all of you I have so much compassion with each one of you I guess there is so much more work that really needs to be done.
The role of a child abuse survivor is to purge there pain and I guess as Dr. Phil says use it as a catalyst as a healing agent but then what? Do I have to live with the residual effects of abuse forever?
Am I forever corroded? Come on Dr. Phil right a follow up or send some one else who knows because I don't! Am I just suppose to feel these hot tears? I think the hardest thing in being a survivor is moving past the pain and the mental damage it's done to us. I know that I've faced my abuse issues and sometimes felt that because I wasn't incest, I should not feel that I'm a survivor.
I don't know how many times I worked on healing what happened to me and how it affected me. But it finally happened when I did Self Matters. I know I was molested at 8 years old. I know that it screwed up my head, my life, my thinking, my happiness, my relationships with men, and the list is ever so long. I still feel uncomfortable around children because WHAT IF I become a molestor. What if I..... But I know that it's not apart of who I am -- which has finally released me to be more open with my life mistakes and errors and most importantly forgiving myself for the wrong decisions I have made in my life.
I've cried those tears for many years - is it strange that I don't feel them any more?
Do you see a counselor? If no, look for one that is into COGNITIVE THERAPY - that's Dr. Phil's area of expertise. A support group is also helpful. I was a member of one for a tiny little while and it really helped but I felt that I wasn't like them because incest wasn't involved - well, I'm not sure about that - however, I don't feel like it happened and that I'm not repressing any memories. |
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July 29, 2005, 6:10 am PDT
Quote From: jb7ctx I havent heard of the book you mentioned before, but I think I might have to check it out. Thanks! I am pretty good at tracking my spending, but my problem is every time I go to a walmart or a target, I always end up spending alot of money, so I avoid them stores as much as possible. I am what you would call a "compulsive" buyer. If I see something I like, I get it. I'm not bad off in debt but if I keep getting out like I have lately, then, I will be. My bills get paid for sure and so do my credit cards but its like the more I pay, the more I charge. YIKES! I have only 2 credit cards and one is high but not maxed out (yet) so my goal is to NOT charge anymore and hopefully get them paid off before Christmas, so I can charge again:) I am going to look for that book, and I hope I dont have to go to walmart or target to find it. lol What I discovered was that I had 2 list when I went shopping. The one that was written and the another list that was in my head. One of the things that Self Matters taught me was to listen to what I was telling myself so 1 day, I sat down with paper and pencil and made a list of all the THEMES that were going on in my head. It goes like this for me:
finally it ends with MINDLESS SPENDING. What I discovered was if I reviewed the list before I go shopping to see WHERE I STOOD ON EACH OF THESE, I would see the 2nd Shopping LIst emerging.
And using the question: Do I really Need IT? doesn't work because I say yes. So now, I'm going to do something different. Not sure what, but I'm working on it.
It takes time and the hard part was getting past the guilt and shame that I couldn't do better. I am doing better! I'm a lot better than I was a month ago or even 6 weeks ago.
I also don't go shopping if I'm upset or anything. I plan on my shopping trips and make sure I have a list when I do go shopping cause I stand a much better chance of making it thru the store when I do! |
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July 29, 2005, 6:19 am PDT
Quote From: ladycat My central problem is not that I have traumatic events in my past to discuss but I have strong feelings that there is something that I should know about myself. All of my life I have felt that some part of me is missing, what I don't know. I do not obsess about it daily but this very strong feeling crops up at the most inoportune times. I will make a concerted effort to continue on with the book. I can't remember when I haven't felt that something was missing or wrong and I couldn't name it. But it's not been around as much now. When I did SELF MATTERS it opened up other memories that have helped me work thru some issues like my financial fears. They aren't painful or make me feel stupid anymore -- I just accept that I was a child and the assumption I made back then was wrong and that now I am taking better care of myself.
I just feel different about those memories. The only regret I have is that I'm 52 years old and not in my 20's or 30's or 40's - cause I would be in such a different place. But I have a long life ahead of me (figure another 38 years minimum) and I have more than enough time to live finally.
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July 29, 2005, 6:29 am PDT
Quote From: kimbrem I'm sorry if I came in unintroduced. I'll correct that now. My name is Kim. I've been in the process of changing my life for six years. One step at a time. I have difficulty dealing with stress. I know it stems from my background. I am happily married and have a wonderful life now. My husband is THE Most Beautiful Man on the face of the planet! Finding someone like him who shared my very soul was one of my earlier steps in healing me. I have an alcoholic, abusive father who has a heart of gold when sober, a somewhat "eccentric" mother who is too self-absorbed to care about anyone but herself, a brother who deals drugs and sponges and uses and steals from anyone who is foolish enough to care, and one brother who has a severe psychosis that I personally comitted after waking to the end of a rifle and a conversation that indicated he thought I was part of a government conspiracy to harm him "the son of god". My parents encouraged us to hold each other down or help kick or hit each other. I can say thank god, I was never sick enough to participate on the giving end. I faced too many crisis in my past with stressful situations. Other than the obvious ones of being in a toxic family where abuse was a "way of controlling us" because "we were out of control", I have been held up at gun-point, beaten until my ribs were shattered by a stepfather and left with a head trauma from three of my peers who didn't like me. I spent 18 months in juvenile detention after running away (the worst part was not being able to pick a flower or sit beside the lake). I really wanted to be peaceful. I spent about 8 years anoerexic off and on. My way of dealing with it in childhood was to curl up in a ball until it was over. I finally got angry several years ago. I got tired, then I got angry and then I started to change. I jump at loud noises and startle easily. I hate confrontation. I was "taught" to be a victim. I was taught that fighting back and leaving issues led to more pain. I have unlearned that, but now have great difficulty dealing with stress and conflict. I would rather just get away from it. I know that I seek love and approval because of my need for it in the past. I am getting over that. I am lucky. My husband is someone I can share my feelings with. He is someone who respects how things scare me and how life affects me differently. I love animals, I am moved to tears by the sight of new leaves and blossoms on flowers. I am inspired by art and love to dance to the beat of a drum. I find myself dropping off bags from Wendy's to those people holding signs at the highways. I hug strangers who cry and end up crying with them, for them. I can imagine the worst. I do sympathize with those who face hardship. I am somewhat hardened to people who abuse substances because of my firsthand knowledge of how it can hurt others. I don't drink because I'm afraid of "being like him". I have a somewhat diluted sense of humor. I am intelligent, but know it doesn't pave any ways. I don't dress up or wear make-up. I have prematurely gray hair. I've read Chaucer in the oldest language. I value books. I love people, but I'm somewhat scared of them. I have difficulty trusting police because of my personal experiences with them. I only learned to speak the word sex out loud after I met my husband. I am 34, but my spirit feels one hundred. My husband says I am sappy, because I cry at the movies. The sight of a newborn makes me cry. The sight of a mother holding one tenderly makes me smile. The idea of talking about my background fills me with dread that people will see me as a person in that light. I am scared of being judged and saddened by the thought that I will be thought of in light of those things. Now, I am attending school and trying to find my place in the world. I don't know how I can change things. We are infertile. I know some people would call this a blessing. I'm just not one of them. I know I can change how I deal with things and have made alot of strides in six years. I am slowly being deprogrammed in my responses and welcome any help in getting there. Kim It's strange how you can read someone else's life story and see connections to your's. You wrote some words that sounded like my family.
Seek the help of a professional therapist who is into Cognitive Therapy and better yet will help you work thru Self Matters. It's a fabulous book that helps you to understand why do things or really not do things. It helps to sort out your thinking and helps to reprogram you thoughts to a positive loving mindset.
And while you do Self Matters, catch Dr. Phil's show because I've found that at least 2-3 shows a week I can catch something that I can relate to and use in my own life.
For me, I stepped back and off the roller coaster ride back on 4/03 when I first picked up SELF MATTERS and my motto was: NO MORE GRIEVING. I could only get thru the first 3 chapters. Then I found myself in a family death watch and caught Dr. Phil's WLC and by Feb. 04, I was reading SELF MATTERS from front to cover -- when 4/04 rolled around, I committed to 3 years of doing what was necessary to get back my life. My motto was: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. It's year 2 now and my motto is: PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. Next year in 2006, I will be well on my way to finally LIVING and not in the past any more. I only acknowledge the NOW - I can't change the past and I don't want to spend anymore time or energy rehashing it.
Give it a try and see how it helps you. |
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July 29, 2005, 6:40 am PDT
Quote From: taemanai About what I've written in the past, diving into it, I feel a bit embarrassed. You'd think that a person like myself could know a better way of experiencing and expressing what all there is to living and loving life, there is so much out there, that as well as to make things better (but in a way, things, experiences and people that would bring a kind of happiness).
It is easy to say it is the journey but (I'm sure you all know) it isn't exactly the way we imagine it to be. To bring clarity to our own life and to sign-post our own (even group) mistakes. Where is that band-aid when we needed it, when things end, and didn't reach the potential that we were hoping.
I hope this is a good start and renewal.
I stopped dead in my last career - I had accomplished so much but my VICTIMIZE mindset ensured that I would never reach my potential and that when I attempted to stop the craziness, I was told I was too valuable and I came to work for a year or more with no work to speak of. It didn't make sense - but I saw it as an opportunity so I chosed to deal with ME using SELF MATTERS. I used my interactions with the people around me to help me bring closure to the VICTIMIZE mentality and when they offered me an early retirement at 52, I took it.
I've spent the last 7 months bringing closure to so many VICTIMIZE patterns and bringing closure to some long time goals (some over 40 years). In May, I actually thought I was going to die because I had made a tape back 13 years ago that I would commit 10 years to heal myself and I remember telling myself I would rather spend the next 10 years doing this and if I died - I would be happy. Well, that tape was a shocker let me tell you.
Anyway, it's now the end of June and I need to go look for a job in September. I was thinking Kmart or some other store in the neighborhood - but I've always like writing procedures & processes; creating organizaiton where chaos reigns. On August 10th, I'm attending my first class that will lead me to a Technical Writer certificate. There's 5 classes I need to take.
I'm 52 and I have the potential to reach for my dream. It isn't too late! It's just a tape running. Have you mapped it out like you were taught in Self Matters? What are you telling yourself?
M |
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July 29, 2005, 6:47 am PDT
Quote From: kimbrem I have issues with guilt as well. I share a similar type of event with you. A little over six years ago, I left my pekingese with my father so that I could go meet my now husband. I was going through a rough time in life and, after talking with my husband for some time about computer things and each other, I felt like it was time to meet and find out if he was too good to be true. I planned on either returning or returning to get my darling pekingese to take with me as soon as possible. I spoke with my father and he said he would take good care of him. My father is a man disposed to violence after drinking, and had not too long before left a sizeable( 12" or so) cut in my arm, not to mention choking and ultimately ended up at the other end of a 9mm I had bought (which I sold shortly thereafter, because I didn't want to end up pulling the trigger). He is not a nice man when he drinks, which is often. This I knew, but failed to adequately consider when I left that sweet, defenseless puppy there. Needless to say, I went back a few weeks later, having realized my mistake in leaving him and being filled with terror at finding him poorly disposed, I went back to get my darling. I found him with a ulcer in one eye that had eaten to the retina. We took him for treatment, but he was permanently blinded in that eye and forever left disabled and not whole. The worst part, I have no idea what he endured while there. I can only imagine, and it makes me so full of sadness for his suffering because of my very poor judgement. I can never forgive my father for his injuries. He was defenseless. I am still riddled with guilt for my own part in his suffering. The best part... my little darling, my husband and I are a very happy family. My husband helps me spoil him by giving him more attention than I possibly could have alone. The spoiled character gets the best of healthcare, the best of food, massages at least every other day, tummy rubs several times a day, playing always and laps snuggles whenever we sit. We carry him outside, down the stairs four to six times a day to potty, since he can't on his own. He has a full life and the vet is amazed at his health. He is still as healthy and happy as a puppy. I am forced to admit my husbands insight is correct. It happened, it's terrible it ever did. My little darling is still the happiest, spoiled, healthy and sweet doggy to ever walk the face of the earth. He's alright, so should I be. He is now thirteen years old, and has recently lost the sight in his other eye. I assuage my own guilt by making sure that he is well taken care of. He is spoiled and I am happy that way. He has forgiven me, he never held it against me. Animals are great that way. He has never associated me with that pain. He associates me with salvation from it. We should take our cues from them. You didn't hurt him, the stick did. We do the best we can. They love us for it. Just treat him with the best you can and make him happy. I lived with an alchololic for nearly 15 years. He used to take his anger out on the dogs. I remember him taking MUFF, our 10 year old and holding him by the neck as he swung the dog while walking throughout the house. He even managed to hit the wall & door ways in his anger because MUFF did something that he shouldn't.
Imagine my surprise when he proudly stated how he had trained LUMPY when she was a few months old and had potty in the house. He picked her up, threw her outside and knocked her out cold. He proudly stated she never did it again.
When I moved away from him, I bought a home especially for them. I had a 6' fence around the 2 yard property. Large open rooms to romp in.
They never knew such happiness. And it helped me to move pass the guilt and shame. Now, the 3 are gone and have been replaced by 3 more dogs, 4 cats & 1 kitten (all rescues).
When the 1st 3 transcended, I knew I had done my best for them and that they never lacked from love or kindness. Their last years on earth were filled with play, joy, and most of all knowing that they were never ever again going to experienced the craziness they had known. |
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July 29, 2005, 6:55 am PDT
Quote From: kimbrem I am also at a sort of life change in education as you are. I'm trying for the radiology program locally. I'm having a difficult time deciding where I want my career there to go. I have fertility issues and since we have had such a time getting through it, I would love to be a part of the community that helps other women to get help with that. However, since it is such a difficult, sensitive and emotionally draining aspect in my life, I am a little afraid it may be too difficult for me emotionally to be a part of that on a daily basis. I am having such a difficult time coming to terms with it. I am not sure if it would be better to separate my career from trying to in some way impact other people's struggle with infertility or if it would be less rewarding. I really want to be part of what makes a difference. Since this is something that has personally impacted me, my marriage and my husband so strongly, I feel this is where I want to make the difference. It was actually a big part of why I chose the radiology program. The field, tempered, of course, with financial and time-constraint issues. Maybe someone has some advice and some good 20/20 vision on this issue. If so, I certainly welcome it. Kim Kim, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain except where the radiology falls into play.
I know that the administrative career I chose was helpful in dealing with my emotions and victimize issues because I could earn a paycheck while I healed.
Have you thought about going to a counselor that is trained in Cognitive Therapy to help you work thru your issues to help you to decide?
If you haven't been going to school for long then I suggest you focus on your core classes: ENGLISH, MATH, SCIENCE, etc. That would enable you to work thru your issues a little and then you could decide if you want to still do radiology or another health science career.
Check out the college HEALTH degree circumlium and see what is common for all. English 101 is English 101 for nearly all of them. The maths are different if you plan on going for a computer degree or science degree or health degree -- but there is a common thread. |
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