Messages By: stepmomusa

I was 35 when I met my husband....just when I had finally made up my mind that I was destined to be single forever, and that maybe it woudn't be such a bad thing! What was funny is that the night I met him at a baseball game, I had on a t-shirt, baseball cap, and no makeup. And I am not a beauty by any standard, but I am smart and easily able to engage in conversation (I've always been the girl men love to be friends with but aren't interested in dating). Our personalities clicked, though, and I pursued him for a date.  

Thank God I did, because the relationship I have now  is an absolute gift. He may not be the George Clooney look-alike who strung me along for eight years (who said that while he loved me deeply,just wasn't physically attracted to me because I was chunky) but he is the smartest, funniest, most easygoing and interesting man I have ever known. His sense of who he is and his level of integrity blows me away. I think part of finding that right guy is how you behave on that first date, but it also comes down to being open to someone that you may not initially consider to be your "type". We get used to they way people look, and when we really love them, their inner beauty comes to the surface and really shines! I find that after a few years of marriage, what my (pretty, thin, divorced) friends envy isn't that I snagged JFK jr, but rather the deep love, mutual respect, and great friendship that my husband and I have. 

I'm an older woman and I'm the least miserable, hostile person I know!  

But I do concede that judgemental, hostile, superficial whiners come in both sexes. Wouldn't you agree?  

The key is to look for self-fulfillment outside of what others bring to the table, and enrich our own lives rather than continuing to blame others for past transgressions. The older I get, the happier I am, because I've lived my life the way I wanted and continue to achieve and discover new passions every day. Who says I can't learn snowboarding or get my PhD at this point in life? And, because I'm older, I appreciate the intricate beauty of life (i.e., the simple pleasures) much moreso than when I was 25. 

I always say that my greatest charactaristic is that I learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them. Hence, I don't fall into the "miserable and hostile' rut. 

BTW...remember that it is a biological fact that women don't reach their sexual peak until their late 30's....so all the "sexual curiosity" in the world is no match for a primed libido, tiger! 

Hello, 

I am a psychotherapist, and work largely with clients with eating disorders and self-injurious behaviors While I can't offer any counseling online, I recommend that you take your daughter to see a licensed professional in your area...go online to find an agency or professional who specializes in working with adolescents and this type of behavior (it is often misunderstood, even among professionals). 

It sounds like your daughter has been through a lot emotionally, and without getting too descriptive, has substituted one self-injurious behavior for another. Both cutting and sexual acting-out have one thing in common...they provide fleeting relief from the "pain" of living, but also carry feelings of shame, guilt, and anger along with them.  

There are many reasons adolescent girls act out sexually, and it would be inappropriate for me to try to diagnose her online. I can say that your most important role at this point (and I cannot over-emphasize this) is to love her and let her feel that unconditionally. She needs to feel that you are her safety net, because right now she can't act as her own. She needs to feel that you are proud of her, regardless of her behavior, and that you are never ashamed of or disappointed in her. I would let the professionals be the ones to talk with her about her sexual acting-out, as it sounds like she is going through something more serious than a parent is equipped to handle. Right now your biggest issue isn't whether to move your business, but to learn how to help your child. You may benefit from speaking with a knowledgeable therapist as well, because I'm certain this is draining and frustrating for you as well.  Good luck. 

Taking care of oneself is important...but the way a wife looks isn't the reason a husband cheats.  Look at Halle Berry, Sienna Miller, Vanessa Williams, Heather Locklear, Princess Diana, etc.  These are some of the most beautiful women of our time...all married (or engaged) to notorious cheaters. A man who really loves a woman will still love her regardless of her outward appearance and will be faithful to her if he has integrity. For some reason that's a word that's not used much anymore...I hope it's not a dying concept! 

Still, I agree that partners who stop paying attention to the marriage need to get back on course, as the greatest gift they can give their kids is a happy and stable home. 

If people who are financially strapped choose to bring children into the world, that's their right. If they are bringing children into the world whent hey are already dependent ont he welfare system, that's a problem. I work in the social service community and hear on a daily basis how single mothers PLAN to support their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th, 5th, or 6th child on food stamps and AFDC. Sorry, no one is entitled to do this. 

Although I am married, I am sick of everyone asking me about babies and how I'm depriving my husband of an heir. Even complete strangers. It's NO ONE's business why others choose not to have a baby. I am at the point where I just tell them the truth, that I was gang-raped when I was 13 and I have so much internal trauma and scarring that I cannot carry a baby full term. That usually shuts them up FAST. 

Alysia, for the love of all that is holy run away as fast as you can from this guy!!!!  

I work with familiesinvolved in the court system, I and I see every DAY young women who have ruined their lives because they hooked up with a "bad boy." Drugs, beatings, welfare, theft, diseases, cheating, multiple kids by different men, you name it. It is NOT romantic and NOT glamorous. He is manipulating you to make you feel special...that is how they run their game. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the "He is my soul mate...he writes me the sweetest letters" line through tears and panic!.These men purposely portray themselves as romantic victims of an unjust system because that's what they know the lonely, naive young woman wants to hear! 

If you are a nurturer, get a part-time job working in a childcare or elderly care facility. Channel it that way. This guy has nothing to offer you, and if you are the only positive thing in his life then you are setting yourself up for a sure future full of despair. Don't kid yourself by saying, "I'm different...it won't happen to me" because I promise it will. I worked with a woman last week who was still saying this to me, even though I was visiting her in the hospital when her soul mate broke her jaw, shattered her nose and cheekbone, and knocked out her teeth. They were planning to move back intogether, by the way, once he made bail and she was released! She was even upset that the state was pursuing criminal battery charges against him, saying, "Well...he had a right to be angry. I shouldn't have been out that late." Don't let this be you! 

 I went through my bad-boy stage too, back when I truthfully had low self-esteem, and thank G-d my parents kept their foot down about these guys.Once I got into college I was really able to see them for what they were! Now I am a professional and married to an awesome, gorgeous, successful man who has a great job, looks out for my best interest, and loves me deeply. Great guys ARE out there, and that's what you deserve!!! 

You seem like a bright, beautiful, sweet girl who has a lot of potential. You also have a mom who clearly loves you and is 100% looking out for your best interest. LISTEN TO HER!!!! She knows what she is talking about! 

Thank the lord I had enough sense to take a realistic approach to my wedding, but i was 35 when I married and didn't have visions of grandeur. My husband and I spent $7000 on our wedding, and that included three plane tickets from Europe for his immediate family. Instead of multitudes of flowers, we chose a breathtaking church...and several of those who attended said it was the most beautiful and loving wedding they had ever seen. 

Why? Because as Dr. Phil said...the acoutrements don't matter nearly as much as the SPIRIT of the occasion. My husband, parents, and the rest of the family worked together to make this just a big party to celebrate our marriage and to bring our loved ones together. Also, as many of our guests were from out of town, we wanted to give them a good dose of "Southern hospitality" while they were there. Funnily enough, the food everyone raved about was the chicken and ribs my uncle grilled for 100 people at the rehearsal dinner (we invited all the wedding attendees)! 

So brides...if you want your wedding to be an occasion that you and EVERYONE remembers as a wonderful occasion, treat everyone involved with respect. Sorry, just being stressed is NOT an excuse to treat others badly! You think you're stressed now...wait until the kids come along! Then you'll be alone and miserable because you've alienated everyone by then! 

Keep in mind that your dress, flowers, filet mignon, etc. can be perfect, but if the church is empty because no one can stand you...maybe you'll re-check your priorities. Life has a way of teaching us lessons the hard way if we don't get it the first time. 

Sorry, Ladies...I don't buy this bitchy facade for  a second.  You can always tell how a person feels about him/herself by observing the way they treat others. You treat people like crap, it's because deep down you're trying to mask your own feelings of inadequacy and anger. You strike me as very sad, desperate, lonely women. 

Remember the movie Schindler's List? When Oskar Schindler was talking with a drunken Amon Goethe? He said that true strength is compassion. He was right. 

Awww...give South Fla a chance! I've been here 18 years and I wouldn't live anywhere else! I've met some fantastic people here. True, there is a huge mix of cultures which often leads to some confusion and misunderstanding, but the majority of South Floridians are good people. I think any major urban area can suffer from the "only about themselves" mentality. I would still urge anyone to do what they feel is morally right, and don't "own" the negativity that comes from others. If you retaliate, you're making their problems your own, and what a waste of time that is! 

After being here for so long I still say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!