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Messages By: rayvinfive

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July 26, 2005, 9:46 am CDT

Is this workable?

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half and we hardly ever have sex anymore.  Part of the reason is that we also have a two year old.  But for the most part the thought of him just doesn't turn me on.  He's a great guy, but also very lazy and sometimes inconsiderate.  Our schedules are also very different.  He works overnight, and I'm in college.  He is usually going to bed as I'm getting up.

 

Between our son and school, I'm just not interested in having sex with him at all.  Recently we were having some major non communication.  Later, after we talked it out, he admitted to me that he had visited porn sites in the past but was real vague about when the last time he visited was.  This is my second marriage, and I feel more and more like I'm trying to raise two kids instead of just he two year old.  We talk about what frustrates me between my husband and I, but nothing really changes.  What, and how, can this issue be worked out?  Any ideas/hints?  We both want our son to have siblings.

 
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July 26, 2005, 9:58 am CDT

A hard juob is no excuse

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the topic of divorce has come up several times especially since our son has arrived. Since he has been here my husband and I have been at each others throats. I am with our children all day every day. I dont even go to the store without one of the kids. I understand my husband has a hard job being in the Army and all but I didnt have the kids by myself so I feel he should help out with them rather than letting me do everything for them and with them. When it comes to taking the kids to the doctor I have to do, when it comes to baths I have to do it, when it comes to feedings, changings, clothing, and all that kind of stuff I have to do it. My husband asked mewhy i sound like I am stressed and I told him its because I am stressed. I dont know what a day without kids is like, not even a day but not even a few hours.My husband tells me if I want sometime away from the kids I need to get a job. He says that taking care of the kids is not a job and is easy to do no matter how many kids you have. Anyone have any tips, advice or suggestions to get my husband to help me out with the kids and the household chores?

brandyfra,

 

Just because your husband is in the Army and works hard, that is no excuse for not helping you out around the house when he gets home.  I don't know what he does, but being a veteran myself, I know there is one day a week where the soldiers are released early for "Family Time".  If he isn't helping you out more on that day, then kick his butt and make him help out.  I think that Dr. Phil said it one (or more) of his shows that being a full time mom is like the equivalent of two full time jobs.  I think that's what he said.  That article that was posted in response also proves that point.

 

You shouldn't have to get a job to get some time to yourself.  That isn't fair to you.  One thing that I did with my husband (not service, just lazy) was tell him "Here, you get to watch our son, I'm going out for a few hours."  And I'd leave.  I'd go to the mall and walk around, or take care of some errands I'd been putting off because kids would make it harder.  If you're not around, he has to step up as the father.  Don't be hesitant about demanding time to yourself.  He gets his time while he's at work.  He should reciprocate for you when he gets home.

 
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hopeful
July 27, 2005, 9:10 am CDT

New schedule

Quote From: lilacmess

Quit school. I'm serious. Either this or your husband has to get a new job. Something to put the two of you on the same schedule. Your marriage has to be your top priority. It's supposed to outlast everything, right. It won't if you keep denying your husband. His porn use will escalate into full-blown adultery. Porn use has a way of doing this. You'veobviously placedthe sexualpart of your relationship on the back burner and made it a very low priority.Yourrelationshipshould be your number one priority, above even your child.And honestly,I would say the lastthing in the world you both need right now is another baby.You don't even have time for the sex that is necessaryto make another baby. I know this all sounds very harsh but I couldn't be more serious. You're married now.Your marriage, and this goes for both of you, has to become more important than the perfect job, the perfect education, etc. And I'm a college teacher, so I understand the importance of a college education. And still, I'm advising you to put your marriage first instead.

Thanx lilac,

 

It's not harsh.  After I posted that message my husband called his work and found out that he might be getting a promotion as early as today (7-27) and he won't be working overnight anymore.  As crazy as it sounds, we're both going to school to try and make more time for our family.  He and I need to talk to each other more, but when I try, he doesn't seem very receptive.  About the only time it works for us is right before he leaves for work.  Not the best time.

 

Sigh, maybe I'll take all my books he's reading and hid them (as well as  the TV remotes) so all we have to do is talk and spend time with each other.  Hmm. . . . I'll ponder that one today.

 

Thanx again.

 
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July 28, 2005, 9:56 am CDT

I'm not one to talk, but

Quote From: toothfairy

I have a 5 week old son - I plan to take the full year available to me for maternity leave, and I love spending time with my son, but am worried about becoming lazy and possibly chubbier on my maternity leave.  Everyday is the same, we spend time in the morning cuddling, then when he drifts off I run around the house doing whatever housework I can before he wakes back up.  We take a walk for about half an hour, come back and spend more time cuddling (all in front of the tv) then he drifts off again in the late afternoon.  Please don't get me wrong, I love being with him, watching him develop and grow but am starting to wonder what I am to do for the rest of the year.  I need suggestions - maybe ideas of what everyone else does with their time off (and yes, I know its a time to spend with my newborn child - but there has got to be more!)

I can't say too much on the chubby issue, I gained all my baby weight back, with some interest once I stopped nursing.  When my son was younger I tried walking around my local mall before all the stores opened.  All the grandmas and grandpas there loved him.  I stopped doing that thoguh.  I really wish that we had been able to get a jogging stroller so that I had a place to put my son while I was walking/running/whatever.  A regular stroller's wheels just aren't meant for off roading through the grass.

 

My point?  Take him with you of you so choose to go walking or exercising somewhere.

 

 
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chillin'
July 28, 2005, 10:12 am CDT

Help?

I am interested in meditation but can't seem to find time to actually try.  That, and I'm lazy.  I have discovered that if I'm left to my own devices, I won't stick with anything.  A while ago I bought Meditation for Dummies, but didn't make it out of the first chapter before I stopped reading.  Is there anyone out there that would be willing to help me kick my own butt into actually doing what I know I should?  Or, any advice/ideas on how to change my laziness into action?

 
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giddy
July 28, 2005, 12:28 pm CDT

Forget about the cable bill!!!

Quote From: lilacmess

Just kidding. Ask and you shall receive. It sounds like things are turning around for the two of you and that you have an opportunity now to really get to work on your marriage. The two of you need a date night. Get a sitter once a week and leave the house: no television, no books, no internet, no nothing but the two of you and whatever fun activity or environment can spark conversation and get the two of you relating to each other as best friends and lovers. Good luck. Sounds like things are looking up.

Lilac,

 

I just got a message from my husband, he starts his new position today!!!!

 
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August 4, 2005, 11:00 am CDT

tentative schedule

Quote From: leomom_3

I am a stay at home mom of 3 girls ages 6,2, and 3months.  Now that we have 3 girls I need to get them on a daily schedule/routine, but need help doing this.  I need a schedule of the daily things like nap time, bath time, play time, TV time, homework, ect.  Can someone please share with me their schedule?  Maybe even give me a sample schedule/routine.  By the way my 6 year old is in the 1st grade and goes to school until 3:30. 

 

Desperate and Confused in Texas,

 

leomom_3

Leomom,

 

I only have a two year old boy, but his schedule is:

 

5:00a-7:00a wake up and play in his crib (he wakes up at different times almost every day, but we don't get him out until later)

7:00 get up and get dressed

8:00 breakfast

8:30-12:00 play time and Sesame street/Elmo DVD

12:00-12:30 Lunch

12:30-2:30 naptime

2:30-6:00 play time, no TV

sometimes he gets a snack at about 3:00 if he's hungry

6:00 dinner

6:30 bath, jammies, and stories

7:00 brush teeth and bed time

 

At about three months we were able to get our son on a schedule.  If you don't have one yet for your youngest, you might want to think about trying to create something.  If there is a time when your two youngest are asleep and your oldes is home, try helping her with homework then.

 

You also might want to check out the Supernanny website (Dr. Phil crew: If that's on a different network, sorry, it's still a good show ;p).

 

Hope this helps.

 
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hopeful
August 8, 2005, 9:33 am CDT

jattav: paragraph

Jettav, 

  

I found that if you want to add paragraphs, hit enter/return (whatever the button) twice. 

  

That's how I got my paragraphs.  Instead of formatting to double space or whatever.  You can also preview what you wrote before you post.  :) 

  

Hope it helps. 

Rayvinfive 

 
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chillin'
August 10, 2005, 12:01 pm CDT

angelsix: Differing Sex Drives

Angel, 

  

I read you're long message, and instead of adding it all as a qoute I'm doing this.  You have a right to be bothered about his past, but it is that: his past.  If he has legitimately changed, which it sounds like he did, then it shouldn't be a big problem.  Easier said than done, I know.  I had an ex boyfriend that claimed that he was a "recovering nympho".  He didn't know much. 

  

To answer a question that you have, look at your father.   

  

"Then there is my father who had a bad life until he met my Mom and he is the best Dad and husband a person could want.  He made they choice to change and has kept to that for over 30 years. " 

  

He is a good example of what can happen.  It sounds like this guy is a keeper.  He has changed his lifestyle to a better one.  Admitted by you, he is a great guy.  Do you have any reservations about his actions when the two of you are not together? 

  

If his comparing you to his other liasons bothers you let him know.  Not when the two of you are arguing, but at a quiet time.  Tell him that you know he has had many other partners, but his references to them bother you.  Tell him why as well. 

  

My own opinion is that you should keep him around.  Other than the issues of his partners, you sound like you're really happy with him.  I hope I helped some. 

  

RayvinFive 

 
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hopeful
September 6, 2005, 4:14 pm CDT

Another option

Quote From: amymashley

OK ,  

    We have a 3 month old boy, Charles. He started sucking his thumb about a week ago only when he is tired or sleeping. Chip and I both dont want him to get use to doing that . Chip had a bad habit when he was younger as he was told by his mother that he sucked his thumb and it was really bad stopping it. For me , when I was younger I sucked a pasifier, and also a bad thing to get into doing. 

   What should we do? We keep pulling the thumb out. But the little thumb goes right back in the mouth... One person told us.... Put a pasifier in place of the thumb if he will take it. CAUSE 

 It is easier to throw of the pasifier away BUT you cant get rid of the thumb. What do you think? 

When my son was little we gave him a pacifier to suck on.  Neither my husband nor I liked the idea of a three year old trying to talk around the stupid thing.  So, what we did was let him have the "binky" whenever he wanted it until he was one year old.  On his first birthday we took all the things out of his room, diaper bag, and where ever they were around the house, and made them "dissappear".  That night after he went to bed, I took them out to our garage and put them with all his other clothes and things that he had outgrown. 

  

Yes, he fussed for a couple of days, and my husband and I wished that we still were using the dumb things, but agter a week, my son had forgotten all about ever having them.  Several months later he found one that had been in the couch cushions and went and threw it into the trash.  He didn't even hesitate or try and put it in his mouth. 

 

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