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August 17, 2005, 5:58 am PDT
 Quote From: blueonblue Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children. No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it. He rarely ever travelled on business before this. We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own. During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought. He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me. I discourage this lately. He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman. He has grown a mustache and goatee thing. After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet. A part of me still loves him. There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants. (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now. He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often. Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad. I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself. I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends. My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy. His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so. Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby? Is there any hope he might come to his senses? I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it. Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days. I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own. People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage. They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us. I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. I can understand your feelings. I would like to ask a few questions, why didn't you approve of him playing golf, roller skating, and such? Was he ever "allowed" to do things he enjoyed? Just because you are married does not mean that you can no longer have a day to yourself. I see that you say he has no friends, that is either because all he ever did was go to work and come home or he is a bad person. I don't see you staying with a bad person for 28 years. I also don't see how you can say you are getting your life together if he is still supporting you financially. Until you are paying your bills your life isn't together. (I mean with the assistance of child support) You also mention his meddling sisters, If the shoe was on the foot and you were the one that was unhappy and wanted to leave him don't you think your family would tell you to do what makes you happy? I know all 5 of my sisters would be jumping up and down screaming and throwing a fit. You also call your husband selfish. Why should you stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in. If you aren't happy then no one else will be happy either. I am sure you have heard the saying that if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy? That applies to daddy too. I apologize if this sounds like a personal attack against you. I promise you it is not. I am simply just giving you a few things to think about that it doesn't seem like you have thought about. (I am telling you stuff that a good friend should be telling you and since I am a friend to everyone I am telling you.)
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August 22, 2005, 3:42 am PDT
Quote From: poetmom To be honest, I agree with your boyfriend. I have two ex-husbands, and I have children with both of them. I no longer have any feelings of love for either of them, but we will ALWAYS be bonded as parents, and we will ALWAYS have moments that cause us to reminisce about those children...graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. Anyone who intends to share our lives will need to understand and accept that---fortunately, my current DH, ex #1's wife, and ex #2's GF have no problems in that regard. Your boyfriend and his ex will always have a connection. They have a child together. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man you will have to get used to the fact that he is on good terms with his ex. If this is not something you can live with you should probably end the relationship now.
It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. (My parents were the same way and still are.)
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August 22, 2005, 3:58 am PDT
Quote From: flmarijane Please help me. I am the single mom of a 17 year old girl. The first week of summer a boy down the street came to the house and started talking to her. He told her he was 19, I felt like he was a little too old for her, but she really liked him and all they were doing was talking in the yard at my house or his parents. To make a long story short he isn't 19, he's 23! My 25 year old son found out and went to his parents home and told them to keep this man away from his sister!! My daughter was heart broken, didn't eat or sleep for days. Mad at me, mad at her brother, and mad at the world. He soon disappeared from his parents home and she convinced herself he was living in a box somewhere. This went on for 2 months, Wednesday night on a routine walk she ran into him. He was doing a neighbors yard, he no longer lives with his parents but has moved in with a friend and his mom. There is a reason men aren't suppose to be with young girls, my daughter is so hungry for the attention of the man she won't listen to me anymore. He said things to her a boy can't equal. He made a few attempts to kiss her in the past and always wanted to hug her. The kissing never happened but recently she confided in me she wishes it had.This is a girl I have had no trouble with in the past. At this very moment I don't even know where she is...but I have a good guess. What do I do? This man is not a good influence. Did I add she is a virgin and he isn't. He has no job and gets high....I am so inexperienced in anything like this. Do I just listen to her when she wants to talk but not inter fear? I'm afraid if I stop her, I'll lose her!!! Check the laws in your state about this type of thing. I know in our state there is nothing the police can do. But, maybe he doesn't know this. Try asking your daughter what would a grown man want with a teenage girl? (One thing-SEX) She has nothing to offer him except sex.
I was able to save my niece from this type of relationship by explaining to the "man" that having a record as a sex offender will follow him for the rest of his life. Maybe that will scare him off.
Good luck!
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