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Messages By: janessaluv

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November 29, 2005, 11:11 pm CST

Reverse Vasectomy

Hi. My story is a little messed up. I left my husband in May because he cheated on me and now my divorce will be finalized soon. I just happened to run into an old family friend that I haven't seen for 13 years. I am 26 and he is 31. His brother threw a party and his family made sure I was there to meet him. I think there was some match-making going on. Anyway, he too is going through a divorce. He has a 5 year old son. I have no children. His wife also cheated and ran them into serious debt. Anyway, we immediately clicked. I did not expect to fall in love with someone this fast and not to play into the cheesy fate/destiny stuff, I feel like this is so right. I have never felt this way about anybody, including my husband that I was with for 8 and a half years, including dating and marriage. The point being that I have always wanted to be a mother, carry children, have a family, but the guy I am involved with had a vasectomy about 4 years ago. His wife was very sick after the first pregnancy and the doctor suggested they have no more children. He didn't anticipate her cheating (nobody does I guess) so he had a vasectomy. He told me up front about this, but I am really torn. I love him very much, and I love him for him, not because he can or can't have kids. There is no guarantee that I can even have kids. We have talked about doing a reverse vasectomy at some point, but that is around $8,000+ and not covered with insurance. There is another option with IV fertilization, but that is also expensive. There is also adoption, but I really would like to carry my children. If it comes down to it, we would adopt, there would be a solution, but it's just sad and tough. It's hard when you have wanted kids all your life and then find out that if I stay with this guy I might not be able to have them. We talk about this often, but have not come to a conclussion yet. I know it's early in our relationship and it might not work out, but we have clicked so quickly. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I don't know if I'm looking for answers or just getting this off my chest. Well, thanks for listening. If you have any advice or been in this situation, let me know. Thanks so much!  
 
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December 1, 2005, 8:40 am CST

More on my situation and answers to your question!

Quote From: kimbrem

 I am assuming you are not really "planning" a family right now. You guys are not even divorced from your spouses and everyone "clicks" at first. I would suggest not jumping into another relationship with both feet that quickly. It wouldn't be fair for either one of you.

As for the future issues of having children with a person who has had a vasectomy, which is what I am assuming you are really here about..... There is another option. You can get a sperm donor. Men who have genetic issues with their sperm and men who don't produce sperm do it everyday. That is, of course if he has no problems with that. You will have to know it won't be his "biological" child. If you are both willing to adopt, that's probably not a big issue, but sometimes it is because of the child having a biological tie on one side but not the other.  I would suggest making sure it's a strong and lasting relationship before pursuing that option. It would allow you to carry a child and experience motherhood. It is relatively inexpensive.

I don't know what to tell you about getting into a relationship where there will be issues having children if you want them. I don't know if I would have married my husband if I had been sure I had problems. Probably, because he wouldn't have had issues with it. He wants them, but he sees all kinds of possibilities. On the other hand, if he had had issues, I would have still married him in a heartbeat. No spouse is going to be perfect. I would be less concerned with the event of having children than knowing my husband would be the type of husband and father that would be there for his children and I, through sickness and in health, for richer and poorer. There are lots of men who make babies out there. They are on the streets selling drugs, in the bars hanging out with the boys, umemployed and living in babies mammas welfare house...... The character of a man is so much more important than whether "his boys" swim. You can get sperm at a sperm fairly cheap. Getting a divorce is much more expensive, emotionally and financially.  I would be more concerned with the fact that he has alot of debt and the divorce issue. That, to me, is of much more a consequence of character and holds more ramifications for the future. I wouldn't hold it totally against him or you, just tread more slowly so you know what you are getting into.

If the sperm bank thing seems like an alternative to you, I would definitely discuss that with him before getting more involved. It wouldn't be fair to you or a future child if you weren't clear on his stance, and I'm not sure how a child like that would be treated in a divorce. You would definitely have to check that out legally.

Can I ask? If you have always wanted children, why didn't you and your last husband have any? It's none of my business, but I am just curious.

Anyhow, I hope you find a decision that sets well with what's in your heart and wish you the best in that.

Hi.

  

 

 Let me dissect your response a little bit. For starters, no, I am not planning on starting a family right now or getting engaged or married, etc. My divorce should be finalized next week. My “boyfriend” or whatever you want to refer to him as should have his finalized after the first of the year. I am not naïve in realizing that all relationships start out great and you click, but I also know that I haven’t felt this way about anyone before, in such short a period of time and even in my relationship with my husband. This man is the sweetest, most considerate man I have ever met. He always cares about what I think, if I am happy, etc. That is why the children issue is huge. I am honestly in love with him and because we can see each other in our futures’ is why the topic even came up in the first place. When we first started talking, in fact the 3rd day, I was talking about how I want to have a family someday and I love kids. He felt it was important to let me know from the beginning about this, which I appreciate him for.

  

 

 

  

 

The hardest part, as I have mentioned, is that having children is important to me, but I agree with what you have said and that is why this is tough. I don’t feel that not taking a chance with someone because they can’t provide me with children is a valid reason. He is everything I have ever wanted, with the exception of the situation at hand. Having a sperm donor, for me anyway, is out of the question. I would either want the children to be both of ours or neither of ours. That is mostly what I wondered, if anyone on here has done the alternatives and if they have worked out, meaning in-vitro or reverse vasectomy.

  

 

 

  

 

As far as his divorce goes, he is getting one because she cheated, more than once, broke the trust and filed for divorce. She has a lot of debt, not him. He had to file for bankruptcy 7 years ago because she forged his signature on credit card applications and ran up a ton of debt. He got out of it and she recently started again, but now they are separated and have been for sometime. He is responsible with money, so I am not worried about the debt.

  

 

 

  

 

Okay, about me. I love kids, have wanted to have kids for a long time, but I think besides some factors that I shouldn’t have had kids with my husband. First we weren’t financially capable, then we moved around a lot because of my husband and then he cheated. I am very grateful that I did not have children with him. He is an emotionally abusive borderline physically abusive person who also has problems with finances and trust (cheating). I have an old post on here somewhere when he cheated on me with my friend.

  

 

Last summer that happened and I was to be the Matron of Honor in the friends wedding.

  

 

 

  

 

Ask me anything you want, I have nothing to hide and appreciate all the advice I can get. I guess I just worry because I sincerely care about this guy, again, I feel crazy that I’m so wrapped up in him already, but the children issue makes me wonder if we are truly “meant to be”. It’s just a crazy situation. I haven’t been in a relationship with my husband for quite some time now and have dated a few people in between me leaving my husband in May and me dating my new “boyfriend”. It just feels right and I know that having someone that cares genuinely for me is more important that whether or not all his parts function correctly. That’s the polite way to put it. And who is to say that I myself can even have children.

  

 

 

  

 

Well I am going on and on, but please write back if you want.

  

 

 

  

 

Thanks so much!

  

 

 
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September 24, 2006, 2:02 pm CDT

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

 
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September 24, 2006, 2:48 pm CDT

How long do you wait?

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

 
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September 24, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

How long do you wait?

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

 
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September 25, 2006, 8:00 am CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Quote From: our4sons

If I were you & he was as honest with me as he has apparently been with you, I would accept it!  He's given you the respect to be honest enough with you. Respect that, appreciate that & accept that. Otherwise you're being dishonest about your feelings with both him and yourself.

 

It's great that he's worth it. He can still be worth all the good things you want for him without being you spouse.

We are both very open and honest, that's one great thing about our relationship - our ability to communicate well. So, I should wait for him, even though he may never get to that point?
 
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October 1, 2006, 7:10 am CDT

Wait.....

Quote From: danica407

 

 Hi Janessa..

 

What I forgot to say in my previous "reply" to you was:  These men NEVER really grow up.  They are always looking for "greener grass on the other side of the fence", or they don't want to commit "just in case something better comes along tomorrow".   YOU start looking for "greener grass" for yourself.  He DOESN'T love you enough, so that YOU are "ENOUGH" for him.  When a man REALLY and truly  loves a woman, he PROUDLY marries her and builds a life with her.  Having children, or NOT having children, has to be a mutual decision.  All women MUST discuss this with their partners, before they marry and agree on the same thing.  If you are NOT on the same page on this, then get out fast!!  Don't stick around him only "because you are in love". People do fall out of love and what will you do -  when you still want kids, but you're too old to have them and he has found himself a younger replacement for YOU? You can love someone who wants the same things you do.

 

And this is for all you foolish women out there, who are STILL patiently waiting in the wings, after many years of devotion - for him to say "WILL YOU MARRY ME"....You are fooling yourselves - if you think he's really whole-heartedly commited to you.  IF he truly is?.. Why won't he sign the "piece of paper"?  By doing just that, he would then PROUDLY show you and the rest of the world, that he truly and honestly loves ONLY you and that there's NO "greener grass" out here.  Do you all want to be know as "THE-COMMON-LAW-WIFE" of some jerk, who would put that TITLE  on you??  Wheather you all want to admit this, or not; that piece of paper DOES mean a lot to all fo us. If it doesn't mean anything to you now, it will mean a lot to your kids, when they are old enough to ask you;  why their name is different from yours or daddy's.  I know kids who suffer and deal with this on a dialy basis.

 

All the best.

Donna

 

 

 

 

Donna and everyone else who has posted on here with advice,

 While I appreciate your advice, some of you missed the boat here. I wasn't asking about the validity of our relationship, I was asking how long you wait for someone to make a decision. I'm not willing to throw it all away at this point, but I'm not willing to wait forever like some of the other gals you are talking about have. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary of being together. We have been through a lot and we have a very strong relationship. We both love each other very much. That is not the issue. Yes, he had a vasectomy, but he did it because he loved his wife, she had health problems after the birth of their child and they decided that was the safest and best way to not have anymore children. He had every intention of having more at one point in his life. I feel he would like to get married and have children again, but is scared of getting hurt again for one and two, he has to pay child support now and hardly gets to see the son he loves so dearly. He starts counseling on Tuesday to deal with some of his issues. So, again, I don't plan on being a "common-law-wife", we are not even living together, and I don't plan on waiting 7 to 9 years, probably not even 4 or 5, but I'm wondering how long a typical person waits? He does love me, but he just divorced in February, that's only 7 months ago. Anyway, thanks for listening, but please don't peg me as those other women you are talking about. I won't wait so long that I can't have kids. I'm only 26 almost 27. I have time to wait for a little while. I just want to know how long. He doesn't plan on finding a replacement either, his wife cheated on him, not the other way around. It would be this way for him with any woman he is with. Thanks for listening.

 
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June 11, 2007, 6:05 pm CDT

Can't get over it.

I have a serious problem. I have been divorced since December of '05. I left my spouse for cheating. I can't seem to get over it. I hate him. I have never "hated" anyone in my life, but him I do. Sometimes it consumes me. He cheated on me with a friend of mine, so it stings even worse I feel than if it was someone I didn't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. The hurt is terrible. I have moved on in some ways, I have a new job, a new boyfriend - who treats me wonderful, etc. but I also have ulcerative colitis, which flared up about the time of the divorce and has not gotten better. I feel like I have completely gotten the shaft. I am trying so hard to get back on my feet, but it's tough. My ex remarried in March of this year and he is living the high life. I just want him to hurt as bad as I did. I don't know if that is possible, as he is selfish...obviously as he cheated on me. I guess I just don't know wear to turn. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I didn't deserve to be cheated on. He also emotionally abused me and put me down all the time, it is very hard to work through those issues. I don't know, can someone just help me? My boyfriend and I are trying to work hard to start our lives over, as he too is coming from a bad marriage. His ex cheated on him as well. We struggle with money, with his child support and both of our debt from our pasts. He also had a vasectomy because his ex-wife had a complicated pregnancy, so we have to pay for a reversal which is not cheap. It just seems like it won't let up. I know it could be a lot worse, and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling bad about my life as I know I am lucky, but I can't seem to shake the feelings I have. Can anyone help?
 
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June 11, 2007, 6:05 pm CDT

Can't get over it.

I have a serious problem. I have been divorced since December of '05. I left my spouse for cheating. I can't seem to get over it. I hate him. I have never "hated" anyone in my life, but him I do. Sometimes it consumes me. He cheated on me with a friend of mine, so it stings even worse I feel than if it was someone I didn't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. The hurt is terrible. I have moved on in some ways, I have a new job, a new boyfriend - who treats me wonderful, etc. but I also have ulcerative colitis, which flared up about the time of the divorce and has not gotten better. I feel like I have completely gotten the shaft. I am trying so hard to get back on my feet, but it's tough. My ex remarried in March of this year and he is living the high life. I just want him to hurt as bad as I did. I don't know if that is possible, as he is selfish...obviously as he cheated on me. I guess I just don't know wear to turn. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I didn't deserve to be cheated on. He also emotionally abused me and put me down all the time, it is very hard to work through those issues. I don't know, can someone just help me? My boyfriend and I are trying to work hard to start our lives over, as he too is coming from a bad marriage. His ex cheated on him as well. We struggle with money, with his child support and both of our debt from our pasts. He also had a vasectomy because his ex-wife had a complicated pregnancy, so we have to pay for a reversal which is not cheap. It just seems like it won't let up. I know it could be a lot worse, and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling bad about my life as I know I am lucky, but I can't seem to shake the feelings I have. Can anyone help?
 
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June 12, 2007, 5:58 pm CDT

Thanks

Quote From: ritehere

I would put the vasectomy reversal on a back burner for now. You two aren't married, so why worry about it at the moment?
Get some counseling for your feelings of betrayal and anger. Your emotions prove that you are not "done" with your ex yet, and until you can forgive him, you cheat your new boyfriend out of the person you can be without the baggage. If you are not 100% in your new relationship, how could you be 100% for children? Take it from me, I've been there and learned this lesson the hard way.
Forgiveness is not an easy thing, and it in no way makes what happened to you OK or lets the ex off the hook. It is for you and you alone. When you truly forgive someone, you allow them to hurt and anger you no longer. You are able to move on and feel no jealousy or pain anymore.
Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS deals with getting your life back in order, and forgiveness is a big part of it. He guides you through the stages, beliefs and decisions of your life, and if you stick with it you'll have a fresh outlook at the end. I've had therapy and I've read Dr Phil's books. I refer to them all the time.

Thanks for response. I just have so much hate and anger and that's not the kind of person I am. I am a very loving caring person, except when it comes to him, just because of the hurt. I have been in counseling, many times, all because of him. I probably just need to go back. I will look into the book though.

 

As far as my current boyfriend and children, marriage, etc. I am very much in love with him and plan on having a family with him someday. He's the one I should've been with to begin with, too bad I had to make the mistake of marrying my ex to get to where I am today.

 

I also hate what my ex did to me because I have health issues that stem from him also. Some days are good, some are bad.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

 

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