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When we got married, I told the missus she was going to learn something right up front: how to stand up to me.  I'd grown up abused (physically, emotionally, verbally -- all are at least equal to the other two) and I didn't want that to happen in my marriage.

 

"I am what I've become from all events in my life -- positive or negative.  If you want me to be a better husband|man, I'll need assistance. I don't want a paper tiger."

 

Let's just say it worked out better than I could have expected...twenty years later.

 

There was mention of filling out applications.

 

We've got a pretty good system.  When it comes to filling out "fixed" applications, she almost always has to do it.  I tend to look at step-by-step and boxed-in applications as confining.  I wonder why they should be asking for <x> instead of <y> and spend time getting bogged down in that.

 

I tend to take care of the open-ended things involving a lot of loose-ended things.  But I do know when to ask for help when I get stumped.  I know when her talents supercede mine and I have no qualms knowing when I'm at a standstill.

 

I have friends from college who insist upon doing the driving...for them, it seems to be a power thing.  I don't drive very often. She likes to and I don't mind riding shotgun.

 

I'd intended to have a life like my maternal grandparents, who, if ever, no one remembered hearing them squabble.  My paternal grandparents were like Archie & Edith.  He said, "Stifle." and she stiffled.  They seemed to carry that over to how they raised their kids.  Enough so the first of the three moved across the country to get away from it as soon as she could.  The second one happened to have created the environment I mentioned above.  I think I made the right choice.  As Dr. Phil says, "it's a soft place to fall back on". I'd hate to have a crummy day at work and worry about getting home and having everything bottled up.

 

We've got a cast-off of one of my in-laws' couches -- they wanted a different color.  I told Mom once that the couch (there) was so soft and it was nice to have something so nice to sleep on.. I have a hard time sleeping on my back..even if I've been awake for five days (no caffeine)  But if I lie down on the couch there, I'm out in about thirty seconds.  Mom said, "But you've got one just like it at home."  "Mom, I'm not talking about the couch (by itself). I'm talking about where it is."  It's soooooooo nice to be able to spend lots of time with them when I don't have to worry about what to say, how to say it, and what not to say.

 

 

 
He thinks the military is going to boot him for having a temper?

That reveals how naive he is.

I have news for him: they will break him down and build him back up. 

Far far faster than any convential therapy will.

Here in Indiana, there was legislation passed about twenty-five years ago which  basically stated if you know about abuse and remain silent, you can be charged with a Class B Misdemeanor.

When he spends time in prison, have no fear.  He will get a punishment above & beyond everyone else:  those who are in for violating children have a bulls-eye tattoo which covers their entire body.  Their best chance for survival is to smack someone hard enough in front of the staff and let them put him into solitary.  Otherwise...l

 
When it comes to lookiing:  I had a professor who used to give "sex talks" to groups around campus.  One of the things he said in the circumstances was, "If they aren't looking, they're either lying of dying."  (no matter what they say)

What's funny is a comment he made in a course where he said he'd been to a couple of conferences back-to-back and was going to meet the missus & their two sons at Disney World.  He was standing there, the parade went by, and he wondered how great it would be to "make it" with Snow White".

That comment came back to haunt him.  In one of his classes, all we had to do come up with a group project, no matter how small or large or what was.  If someone wanted to get together & paint a house of one of the local population (our school had a little less than 2 thousand poeple and the town was about the same), go to King's Island, etc.  After the "Snow White" remark, one of the groups in another section of the class filled his office (going in over the ductwork in the ceiling) with shredded paper, jumping on it periodically to make sure it was good & full. They posted a nice sign next to the window stating, "The Dwarves' Revenge" along with cut-outs of smaller hands & feet of green paper, leading from his office all of the way up|to the exit door.  This was a (formal) visitation weekend and they couldn't figure out what was going on until we told them.  (He paid his sons, who were 10-12 at that time, to clean out his office.

BTW, he had a reputation for being pretty active with the ladies, them chasing him as much as the other way around.   When he was getting married and they were picking out rings, she put a 1/2" on him so there would be no misunderstanding of his social standing.  He basically looked like a banded duck.

I've been married to a stunner - absolutely drop-down gorgeous woman for just over twenty years.

Someone who works will hit on her and she'll shoot them down.  I've always told her she should tell them, "Sorry. I'll need permission of my husband. You'll have to talk to him." I'm sure they would think there would be some type of physical threat (in return).  I would almost double over laughing if they actually tried approached me about it.

But she handles it in her own way and I still snicker about it.

 
Guys are supposed to just "knock it off"?

When it comes to this situation, there are "98% who do, the other 2% who lie".

I don't know who fed you your current perspective, but if you believe it, you need to be a guest on Dr. Phil and explain just how this can occur.  I hope your mother didn't plant this into your mind as to how relationships, particularly marriage are supposed to be this way.

But I did realize something when typing this.  I have lots of male friends to don't watch the women walk by, no matter how gorgeous the ladies are.  It's because they're gay..

Did you notice how many people stood up when Dr. Phil asked who knew "guys are going to watch"?  You could have switched it and asked, how many of you believe otherwise (and to stand up). I'll wager you could count those on one hand.

Dr. Phil gauges when he has or hasn't seen something.  Most of that is pointing out the odds of what can happen.

When I was in my teens & twenties, I was one of three EMTs within atwenty-mile radius of the nearest hospital.  If someone was drunk,and knew they had better not drive because I would be one of the threewho could respond.  I didn't have a car, but at 2am-3am I knew howto find those most helpful.  Do you remain hearing about the"Taylor University Crash" where a semi crossed over and hit afull-sized van on its way back to school?

I attended that Taylor University.

Within the previous 6-8 weeks, we've  had three major accidents, similar to what she's described.
 
The two most recent ones were people driving in the opposite directionon an Interestate which creates a bit loop around Indianapolis. IIRC, they had gone 9-12 miles before someone was hit.  The policecannot pursue them (i.e., going the wrong way) and haven't found a goodway to stop this.  Oncoming drivers don't know what to do, becauseif they pull to one side, there's nothing to say they won't swerve atsome point and you'll be a sitting duck.  There are a lot of 411calls.  One big issue which protects people from switching over isa large series of cement medians.

The other one (earlier in the timeline) was because of I-69 which isthree lanes wide.  At one point, you can shift to the right, thenyou have a fork - take the first road or slide over to the exit whichtakes you to an overpass.  There's a tendency for people to sit inthe left (of the three) lanes and work their way to the rightmostexist, meaning they are crossing four lanes to get to the final exitramp.  Someone tried that one night and was threading a needle toskip through two semi-tractors and one of them tossed him over themedian (which was next to him on the left) and he was flung into thesoundbound lanes and realized the fact the physics police took over --no two objects can share the same space at the same time. "Physics Police" don't write warnings.  They just mae bad things worse.because they *always* enforce their laws.

I'm a 45M. I grew up abused emotionally, verbally, and physically.[1]  It would have sped up the healing process had a gone to a therapist, but we've basically been able to clean my pipes of a lot of emotional garbage. You have no idea how thankful I am to my wife and her parents.  Not many people will stick by you for twenty years.  I grew up in an environment where there were two emotional states: anger and no emotion whatsoever. For me, I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  Crying intensifies the constant head pain I suffer from as a result of an accident twelve years ago. (constant as in, "it's the last thing I notice when I fall asleep, the first thing I notice when I wake up")  Despite the increase in pain, I was walking a tightrope:  tears, lots of them held back as long as possible and balanced on the other side by getting sick. Seriously. I was swallowing back a vurp (Tim Allen - a "vomit burp").

I have seen it all. In terms of the human body, I saw my first autopsy when I was fifteen, the second at nineteen. I worked as an EMT in my teens & twenties. In college, I was one of three EMTs within a twenty-minute drive from the nearest hospital.  Remember this - either from a year ago or today via the anniversary? www.tinyurl.com/3xqeq7 (That's where I went to college)

I've seen the results of domestic violence.  It doesn't happen often, but still more than almost anyone could guess: it's women beating up men.  No matter how angry they get, there are guys who simply will not hit a woman, even if she hits him first. During the show, the issue of throwing things came up.  Unless it's sharp or (extremely) heavy, it won't do the damage of something you have in your hands.  Unless it's a feather, just about anything you can pick up can cause physical pain as well as emotional turmoil.  How about a (physical) domestic violence situation?  My mentor walked into a house...once...and ended up going to court.  He walked into the front door and there was a man standing there, pistol in hand and it was looking at him face::barrel.  For the most part, if gunfire was potential or occurring, I was on the ground of the other side of the ambulance.  There's such a thing as rescuing, but there's another one where you cannot dodge the bullet(s) and you're worthless because you can't help someone when you're dead.  When the cops secured the area, it wasn't a problem.

When something happens in the household we saw, whether one child gets hurt, e.g., from falling and getting a boo-boo, etc.  People call 911. They don't realize their secrets can come out at any time. You would not believe the things one can learn, even if you're focused upon your patient. 

It was interesting he (I won't say man or husband, as he doesn't deserve a moniker)  expressed some concerns because they weren't in the same hotel.  As Dr. Phil says, "Well duh-uh!"

There are two things at play here:

1) Where did he get this?  He was thirty, she was nineteen.  He came into a relationship where he knew he could manipulate someone who hasn't been in the adult world very long and doesn't know what's normal or not.  It's horrible she lost her job. That was ultimately his intent by pestering her co-workers.  (a) If I were her boss, I wouldn't fire her. That's one of the very few times she'd get outside of the house and see how the rest of the population lives and she could easily derive some emotional support, even if everyone isn't "in" on all of the finer details.  What would I do?  Hire an armed security guard and insure this little boy in a man's body can't do anything to her (or anyone else)  cannot come in.  Phone calls?  Harassment. Over the phone, it's a Federal offense. Once there are enough complaints....

The best, er, worst last:

2) The solution:  Get out.  Get out now. If you have to do it alone, then do so. If you're able to get the kids with you, so much the better. One might think it's important to remove the kids at all costs because they're vulnerable.  They already are at risk. Don't worry about getting clothes or anything valuable. Everything is worthless when you are dead. If he kills his wife, it will have to be investigated. Once the local authorities walk him out, the kids will have to go somewhere.

What to do to get out?  There's always your car. But remember, if it is your car, you won't have time to perform a shakedown and figure out if there's any paraphernalia (GPS)  If he's hidden the keys to keep you housebound, have a friend at the ready. (if you don't have friends, call a former co-worker you know will help you)  I'm talking about around the corner, out of sight. Two people if possible.  Take sandwiches and make a day of it.  It's a stakeout waiting for one thing and one thing only:  letting him get far enough from home your friends can drive by and haul out of there as quickly as possible. I wouldn't run out the front where a car would be vulnerable.  Run behind the house to the car, etc.   I would also contact 911 and let them know what's going on and what's going to happen, unless they want to come & escort you out of the house.  Lesser choice:  letting them know as you leave the house. This guy is a loose cannon waiting to go off with too much gunpowder loaded. He is not going to heal himself by going home and pretending Dr. Phil was a figleaf (sic) of his imagination.

Let the friends do the preparatory work.  They need to figure out where to get you re: remaining safe.  There are crisis centers specifically for women & their kids in this type of situation. They have see it all. Even if they are at capacity, they can find someplace safe.  If there isn't one (not every town/city has one). The police station.  Call 911 and let them know what's going on and the refuge you need.   A church/parsonage. Somewhere, anywhere. Don't count on what the place is (locality).

Without seeing Part II and what happens then (as Dr. Phil has intimated) he may fall apart if she isn't near him.  That may be for the best.

My final advice, and likely the best of all:  Dr. Phil has a retired FBI agent who is steadfast., street smart, and experienced -- including defusing situations.  I'd recommend Dr. Phil sending his friend along so she can get what she needs to split.

Speaking of gunpowder, this guy doesn't own any guns, does he?

Before I sign off from this stream of consciousness: 

Did anyone else notice a parallel to this: http://imdb.com/title/tt0119978/ ???

She looks just like Kelly Riker (Claire Danes) and her circumstances are pretty darn near equal.

____________________________

[1] "Handed down" from "father to son(s)."  It stopped with me. I don't know about those via my uncle.  When we got married, I did the thing women are attributed to doing as a cliche:  "fixing him".   "I am who I am and if you want me to be a better man & husband, I'm going to need your help.  You will stand up to me. I can't have a paper tiger." Strangely, my mother has always seems to be rather taken by this.  But I had a good marriage model and they both were alive to see me get married: my material grandparents. (my paternal grandparents were like Archie & Edith Bunker: when he said, "Stifle". She stifled.

a lot of situations like this make women fearful to leave, no matter how bad it gets. They think leaving means she will be tracked down and if things were bad before, they'll only be worse in revenge for leaving and making accusations to others.   I was thirty-two when my  mom left her -ex.  I prefer to not give him a positive title and continue to refer to him in this fashion, much to the consternation of the missus..

My mom was afraid of what anyone else would  say or two and laid low for a few days, then calling me with a lot of apprehension.  I told her to hand up for a second and I'd call her back.  That's when I dug out my copy of "The Bridge Across Forever" - Richard Bach.  It's a story of how he came to meet & marry his wife.

Things weren't always romantic for them - very strong friends. One night she needed him - badly (and not sexually).  He didn't hear from her for a few days, then received a letter several days later.  She pointed out the difference in the way they saw relationships:  his was using a game of chess:  the purpose is for one to dominate and annihilate the other.  Domineering is the primary reason.  She saw things like a concerto, where the goal is for everyone involved are working as a team, each with their strengths & weaknesses, where  there are no winners & losers.


p.s.

See my lengthy post elsewhere.