Messages By: teri_id

Monica, 

Scuba diving sounds like fun!  Would love to talk with you about kayaking.  Do you whitewater or sea kayak.  I do both.  My boyfriend/mate and I just got back from a sea kayaking trip and we live on the Salmon River in Idaho, so we do our share of whitewater too.  What kind of boat do you paddle?   

As far as feeling good about your professional self, the path of least resistance and such, I can identify with some of what you say.  For years I was defined by what I did, not who I am.  As long as I was working, I felt good.  When I was not working, however, I did not feel good.  I felt empty.  It has taken a great Life Shakeup to teach me to treat myself as a whole being, not parts.  Meeting people, making friends, getting feedback and interaction with the human race really helps move this along.   

I would love to get to know you a bit more, as finding people who enjoy doing what I do is not always easy.  Ritehere loves to hike, which I also dearly love, so I really enjoy reading her posts on her personal triumphs.   

Good luck, Monica, and my thoughts are with you. 

Teri 

I am home after a couple of weeks of "play".  It is funny, because I am learning that no amount of planning a trip means you will actually follow the itinerary.   

Our original plan had been to go to Vancouver Island and paddle the ocean there.  We never made it past Northern Washington.  I felt dissapointed, yet I knew that my boyfriend was right...we didn't have the knowledge or the skills to do the great open ocean paddling.  We needed more information.  We did do some ocean paddling, just nothing multi-day.  We had a lovely time, I loved surfing, and I learned I like seafood...when it is fresh.  

I also learned that I can speak up about how I feel.  I learned that I don't have to pretend to be ok with something when I am not.  I have also learned that this is not the end of the world.   

I have missed the boards, missed the interactions and the wisdoms.  I have read to get "caught up" and I think I am up to speed on everyone.   

Sounds like life has continued to happen and life is a bowl of cherries, bananas, and the occasional prune.  We all get to pick what we eat from the bowl, don't we?   

Thanks everyone and I am glad to be back!   

Teri 

Anger can be such a destructive force, or a constructive force, depending on what we do with it.  I can remember feeling rages that I didn't really understand where they came from.  I started having a very poor opinion of the human race and it's participants.  I can remember feeling that the public, as a whole, is an idiot.   

People make you sick, and it is for a reason.  Often times I find that things bother me in others because it is a trait I have in myself that I have little or no respect for.  I am not saying this is the case for you, yet it might help if you did some introspection.   

One thing I have learned in Life is no one person is terminally unique.  We are all individuals, yet our processes are basically the same.   

It is good to express the anger, but that is not where the process ends.  I have found I need to examine it, look at it from many angles, and appreciate it for what it is so I can understand where it comes from.  If I can do this, then I can change it if I so desire.  Sometimes I find I don't want to change the way I feel, as it fuels constructive energy for positive change.  When it destroys me, though, I know I want to find a way to let it go.   

You have put yourself out there and made yourself a bit vulnerable, and I commend you for this.   

Teri 

isn't a state of mind, is it?   

Had to throw in some mindless humor, as today is prescribing it. 

Taemanai,  I appreciate your posts and responses.   

Teri 

I can relate to your description.  You can tell people what you do, yet WHO you are is obscure, especially to you.  It is a peculiar place to be.  The people around you can probably predict your reactions to things, understand how you make your decisions, and basically know you better than you know yourself.   

Getting to know yourself without interrupting familial relationships is something that can be done if it is broken down into small steps and a "buffer zone" or "decompression time" is allowed between each step.   

Maybe if you study your behaviors and see what they have to say, you will get some insight on where to start.  Not being close to anyone suggests to me that maybe you have some trust issues with others and yourself.  I often would not get close to anyone because I was afraid they would see me for who I am.  Now I realize who I am is not a bad thing, and I want people to see me, not who I purport to be.   

Breath in, breath out and introduce yourself.  Start trying to be aware of what you do and examine why you do it.  This will give you insight on who you really are.   

at least, it is worth a shot, right? 

Teri 

Even though you responded to Marcia52, who's posts I appreciate greatly, something you said struck a chord with me.  The concept of having an aversion to negative feelings, appearing upset, and the self judging that goes with anything we consider a "negative" emotion.   

I have overdosed on humor for years.  It has been my medicine, my drug of choice, and my diversion tactic to how I really feel.  Today I work at understanding the way I truly feel at any given moment is appropriate, and what is not appropriate is to try to mask it in any way.  Discovering this can be quite liberating, yet is not always easy. 

Sometimes we program ourselves to certain behaviors because of other's reactions to our behavior.  A good example of this is my boyfriend really dislikes being woke up at night.  One night a blanket had fallen in between us, pulling the covers off of both of us.  He woke up angry and throwing blankets in a sleep-fit.  Well, I did not like that at all.  I didn't like being woken up with anger.  So, for the next month, I had blankets on my side of the bed and let him have the regular covers.  I perceived my sharing covers with him as the problem, thus creating a separation.  We spoke about it a couple of nights ago and are trying sleeping under the same blankets again, with the understanding that nobody is trying to have more than anyone else, it was just a freak thing.   

The deal is I allowed his reaction to color my behavior.  This was not appropriate on my part, because I was taking responsibility for his anger.  Silly me...I could have just said to myself, "He's grumpy cuz he woke himself up" and left it at that.   

Thank you for sharing what you have shared.  It is good to read some of my own thoughts illustrated in such an easy to comprehend way.   

Teri 

I am not sure if what I say can help or not, yet maybe it can give you some insight.   

I am 35 now, but when I was your son's age, I was doing some very similar things.  Now, there are gender differences, as I am female, yet the concept is the same I believe.   

In general, boys act out with anger and things that tend to dismiss those that love them.  I did the same sort of thing yet I did it with a vengeance.  I was involved in drugs and alcohol, I found that the people I hung around seemed to identify with me and they listened.  I had a brother who was the "favored" one, he was never in trouble, so he would get the praise and I would get the snub, so to speak.   

It sounds as if you are not afraid to tell your son you love him. It is hard to face this sort of situation without co-parent support.  If you do not have that, look to places such as this, as people here really listen and care.  I don't usually post on this board, yet something told me to come here today. 

When I was 15/16, someone sitting down and being real with me would have reached me.  I wanted someone to see that what I felt, what I dreamed about, and my goals were important.  I also wanted the drugs and alcohol.  I too was diagnosed with depression and medication was prescribed.  Funny thing is I tried to use that medication to kill myself.  I took a handful of Elavil and slept solid for 3 days.  Nobody knew what I had done.  I think the irony there is my real problem was the drugs and alcohol.  Nobody wanted to address this, or admit this could be a problem for me.   

You have a choice.  Try meeting your son on his level.  Invite him over for dinner with no consequences, no lectures.  Commit yourself to listening.  He may be willing to tell you what will reach him, if you really listen.  If this does not work, then maybe you need to involve yourself with one of the teen programs where they have lock-down treatment.  It sounds very likely if he is breaking into homes, then he is involved with drugs.  If this is the case, you owe it to him as his parent to get him into treatment.  You always have the option of having him arrested and tested.  Often times prosecuting attorneys will work with the parent in a juvenile case.  He is on the edge of manhood, yet still has the child within him, and as long as he is doing things that arrest his maturity, he will remain thus.   

I will pray for you.  Your daughter needs your love and attention, and you owe it to her to not drink, but to be involved.  I know it can be draining, I really do know and identify with this, yet, you have two children who need you.  One is trying hard to get your attention with positive behavior and one is desperately trying to get your attention with negative behavior.  Be loving, give attention even when you are tired.  Quite often it is the child that exhibits negative behavior that gets all of the attention, and this is not a good deal.  It creates resentments.  Are your children close to each other at all? 

Get some phone numbers, look for support groups in your area, and visit the message boards often.  You are not failing, yet there is a reason your son has gotten where he is.  It is your job as his parent to try to reach him.  You are right, it is crazy to write him off, and you need to trust your heart with this.  You have the right idea, now you just need the support to take the right actions.   

Good luck... 

Teri 

Gary Zukav wrote a book called Soul Stories.  In it is a story that talks about the 8 winds.  Praise is one of those winds.  When praise takes us and knocks us off balance, we tend to do things to only seek praise.  When I learned to not seek it, to do things for how they made me feel, I became a much more balanced person.  Thanks for sharing this quote Longstory. 

Teri 

When I was a teen and a young adult I would cut.  Cutting is a sign of much more serious problems, yet often it has nothing to do with a desire to commit suicide.   

There are many resources out there that can educate you on why your daughter cuts.  I found an article in Ann Landers when I was 20 years old and it had a number in it.  1-800 DON'T CUT.  I called it and got information about why I was doing what I was doing.  This empowered me to stop it.   

I learned that previous sexual abuse in my life was a big fuel for my self injury.  (self injury is a good buzzword for searches, by the way. )  I also learned there was a cycle of hurting myself on the outside so the pain on the inside made sense.  As I would watch my body heal I found I would feel better on the inside for a short time.  This was a cycle I followed for years, until I realized I needed to heal on the inside first, then the cutting would no longer be needed.   

The hardest part of this is I found that my daughter was cutting at the age of 12.  Her dad and I are divorced and she lives with him 160 miles away.  Without getting into a long story, she admitted to me that she does.  I told her about my experience.  I asked if there had been any sexual abuse or any sexual contact and she assured me there was not.  We talked about it a great deal and even though her fuel is different, the end goal is the same...healing.  So, we created our own "therapy", as I cannot afford a psychiatrist.  I have used a lot of links on this website and many others to learn how to give my daughter the tools needed to cope and handle life on life's terms.  The first thing I had to do was become an active member on HER team, HER side, not the parental side.  I had to create a camaraderie that encouraged her to listen to me as a peer, that way she did not shut me out.  I have been able to maintain the status as parent in her eyes, yet she now knows I will not judge her.  I will listen, explore, and try on ideas with her and we can discover together what is OK and what is not.   

There is hope for you and your daughter.  Maybe let her know there are others out there who cut and it doesn't make them bad.  It is a coping mechanism.  Love her, and as far as her mental health status, if you help her deal with the issues, I am willing to bet the other things will mellow out.  They did for me. 

Teri 

I have not experienced what you are going through.  I have no idea what to suggest, yet I want you to know my prayers and thoughts are with you.  I cannot imagine what it must be like for you, yet I am sure you are doing the best you can with what tools you have.  I hope somehow you can obtain more tools.... 

Teri