Messages By: teri_id

Brenda, 

Thank you for the encouragement.  You are right, I am NOT over the pain caused by my ex, yet everyday I work towards self empowerment so that I don't have to be controlled by him.   

We had been married 11 years.  I had not divorced him earlier because I was afraid of what would happen, plus it is against the religion I was raised in.  He suffers from mental illness and was hospitalized twice when we had been married 7 years.  I really wanted to leave then.  

When I finally could take no more, he had a very hard time accepting it.  In fact, I don't think he has, and we have been divorced about 5 years.  We were emotionally divorced long before that.  We didn't even share a bedroom.   

We owned two houses right next door to each other.  We tried to be neighbors, but it was too much for him.  He ended up putting signs on my windows, constantly watching me, and would go into my house when I wasn't home and take things. It's called stalking.  

Condensed version, I ended up leaving, him having forced me into a situation where I had to leave my kids behind, and I left fearing for my life.  I didn't see my kids for a year, and it almost killed me, literally.   

With my boyfriend's support, encouragement and sometimes insistence, I started to put myself back together.  I got through the suicidal depression and became angry.  I chose to use it well.  A wonderful mentoring program was born of this, as I had to learn how to get back to court on my own and have my rights as a parent reinforced.  I did it and I won.  The kids did not want to move, but we have a good relationship now, and we talk so much and I go see them as often as I can.  They won't come here because of how angry their dad gets when my boyfriend/mate is around.  My ex hates him, even though he doesn't really know anything about him.   Thus, blending the families is not an option right now.  I want it to be, though.   

When we divorced, I lost everything.  My parents have not spoken to me in over 5 years.  My brothers have not as well.  The church I grew up in preached so many good things, yet when I needed them, they did not want to help...so I was alone, devastated and watching my life be destroyed by an angry ex.  I cannot allow that to happen again....thus I must grow and become empowered.  

I appreciate your recognition of my "growth."  I was pretty happy when I realized I caught something before it became a fight or argument.  The healing from talking about it was so good and warm...and complete.  I will work towards continuing this path. 

Thanks again Brenda, 

Teri 

First of all, you feel like a shallow person, yet because you recognize this in yourself, I don't believe you are very shallow at all.   

I was never the pretty girl, the "perfect" looking one, yet I held attention wherever I went because of my hair color.  People did look at me, I could never blend into the crowd as I so often wanted to.   

You have a distorted self image, and because of this you feel jealousy.  I did some research on jealousy a while back and learned that it is fear of loss.  We get jealous because we feel possessive over someone or something.  We don't want to lose what we perceive to be ours.  What are you afraid of losing?  Is it attention?  You may need to work on your "inner tapes" and tell yourself that you would be better served by receiving attention from something you did rather than the way you look.   

As far as feeling as if you have to be perfect, you recognize this, so challenge it.  Maybe doing the "Self Matters" book Dr. Phil has out would be a good thing for you.  I would suggest going out one day without any makeup.  Maybe doing this in a town that nobody knows you, just to see what people's reactions would be.  I can almost guarantee that you will not be ridiculed, stoned, or yelled at...what may happen you may blend into the crowd and not receive a lot of attention.  Once we experience what we have been fearing, then maybe we find the fear of it was much worse than the reality of it....does that make sense? 

I strongly suspect you are a deeply caring person with much to offer this world than just your looks.  Sounds like you suspect it, too.  Maybe facing what it is you are afraid of and embracing it would be a way to get through this.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck! 

Teri 

Brenda, 

First of all, again a deep thank you for you candidness.  I agree, those who make poor choices should be held accountable for their actions, regardless.  If it is a choice, we have the capacity to make it, if that makes sense.   

I hold my ex responsible for all of his behavior.  I have worked in the Developmental Disability, Mental Health field for many years.  I have learned there are limits to organic issues with mental health, yet nobody has a free ticket to abuse, stalk, threaten, endanger or toxify anyone else.   

I had written a response yesterday to your post but it was lost when I posted it as for some reason the site signed me out.  It was quite a bit longer and had a lot of very personal stuff in it.  At this point I realize that what I need to say is thank you.  I feel as if someone "heard" me, and that means the world to me.  Thank you.  You are a blessing.   

Teri 

Last night we watched a movie called "What the Bleep Do We Know?"  It basically is a movie discussing Quantum Physics and how our emotions and thoughts control our experience in life.   

I am not a Quantum Physics enthusiast, in fact did not even understand much at all until last night.  I am going to have to look into it further as I don't ever take just one source for education... 

Anyway, I wanted to know if anyone else has seen this movie and find out what they thought.   

Teri 

Taemanai, 

When I read what you write, I find myself having to look a bit for what your meaning is, which is a good thing in my mind as I put some effort into your effort.  We are all different ages, some young, some not so young, and we have our own life experience which transcends chronological age.   

When we ponder and explore what others put out for us to see, we can often find ourselves exploring deeply within ourselves, which can be one of those dichotomies.  I look in your eyes and see my eyes sort of thing.   

Your "treasures" are worth the effort to decipher, and your writing provokes new thoughts in me and I appreciate those.   

Teri 

I am back from another trip.  We went to Flaming Gorge on the Wyoming, Utah border to do some serious rescue practice and try to roll our big kayaks.  We realized we needed more skills before hitting the ocean again.  

Well, we are good at the two person rescue, but neither one of us could roll the boats.  We figured out why and need to talk with some folks to see what we can do to enable us to roll without the boats filling with water.  We came out of the week with lots of bruises and feeling a least a little more confident.  

We did have some issues while we were gone, ones that give me reason to really explore what it is I want in life, from relationships, and whether or not I want to stay in this one.   The same issues keep coming up, and usually they are directed as me being the cause, yet I am realizing that it is a shared issue.  Two strong personalities don't always meld well together.  So, I am doing much introspection fueled by some emotional pain and understanding that I don't have to be afraid of the future or any of the choices I make, I just need to be sure I do things for the right reasons. I think some of what is happening is because of my work in Self Matters I am more clearly able to state what is OK and what is not for me and that is threatening, which rocks the boat, so to speak.  I know the ones closest to us have a difficult time handling our changes and growth when they believe it threatens them.   

I have read all 64 posts that have been written during my absence and much is going on in the lives of everyone!  Life is going to become very busy here shortly for myself as well, and I look forward to re-establishing my daily routines.  School starts in just a few short weeks and I will be hitting the books hard as well as harvesting and canning from the garden.  I am amazed at how much work there is to do and how much I actually get done compared to what I want to...lol.   

I missed you all and I am glad to be back.  I give a collective e-hug to you all.  {{{{{everyone}}}}} 

Teri  

I had to read this a couple of times, making sure I was not skimming, as I am prone to doing at times.   

I can truly relate to this awakening, to this opening up the eyes and truly seeing things for what they are and understanding that I am the only one with power to make changes in my life that are what I choose.   

I want to thank you for sharing this, and I thank Author Unknown.   

Teri 

You know,  I have been divorced for almost 5 years now, and the anger isn't gone.   It is amazing, as even though I do not think much about my ex, even though we share two children, I cannot allow him to run my life any more.  I cannot afford to give him free rent in my head.   

We went through an Alternative Dispute Resolution Evaluation about a year after the divorce, maybe closer to two years, and in it the evaluator recognized that I had successfully disengaged from the relationship.  I know that his manipulations and his lies keep him angry.  He has not shown any desire to accept his part in our relationship's death.  There has been only anger from him and bitterness.  I wonder how hard that must be to live that way.   

When we learn to let go of our anger, it does not mean the other party has to or will accept it.   Take pride in accepting your part, yet take on no more than that.  He will have to do with it what he does, as you stated-you cannot control that.   

I let it be known very calmly that I was accepting my part in things, and that they are things I will continue to work on, just not with him.  Let him know you love yourself and have more self respect than to allow his behaviors to control your emotions.   

I slip my hand into yours and am saying I am willing to jump over this one with you!  I send you strength, loving thoughts and a smile of pride in the empowerment you have chosen. 

Teri 

Life will present us with challenges in order to make us stronger, kind of like training for the big race...and that the grand event comes and all of our cumulative skills will be called upon in order to handle the situation at hand.   

I don't know if this is true or not, yet there have been times in my life where I have had to say "Creator must be setting me up for something BIG!", as I was also told that God does not give you more than you can handle.   

The way I see it Brenda, you are the person who will be ready when everyone else has either lost interest or lost sight to help.  You will be kind yet add the lightness that will be needed for others to cope.  Your humor has it's place, you know.   

I too am working/procrastinating on Chapter 4, yet finding more and more strength to face those moments with an open mind.  

One of the wonders of this is I am recalling more happy childhood memories, which for years I was unable to do.  Even though this has not healed any relationships between my parents and I, I can now say they did work to create a good life, as misguided as they were.  We are all allowed our mistakes.   

You are precious, Brenda!  Thank you 

Teri 

Sometimes it takes drama in the form of poetry to help us visualize what we, in good common sense, already know.  I really like what you shared, Ritehere.  It is appreciated.   

I love your photos.  I especially like how you drew a parallel with the Independence photo and your prior view of the world.  And the mountain photo, well, WOW!  The colors are starting to turn, and when we were at Palisades near the Tetons, there would be spots of bright orange and deep read on the mountain scattered among the evergreens like sparks in the dark.  I love this time of year, harvesting, the changing seasons.  This is the time of year I tend to feel my most energetic.   

There is beauty everywhere we look, even in the midst of the Urban Jungle, there is beauty.  Thank you for sharing your beauty with us.   

Teri