Messages By: teri_id

Ritehere, 

I have to smile when I read your post.  I cannot imagine what it must be like yet, knowing that in the future I will have at least a bit of a clue.   

I probably will watch you, if nothing else to see the experience.  Funny, we deny we are in denial...I do that often.  I hope you know I admire you. 

Teri 

Taemanai,

Brenda, 

I know I have a break between march and april....Usually classes start around April 10, with a break around May 15....these are ball park dates.... 

Teri 

Enzymbia, 

Ok...I have had to look at your posts as a whole, seeing the direction you are going.  I first of all want to say that I don't believe I should ignore the posts where you "rant".  I don't see it as a rant, I see it as a struggle with self and you have the right to do this.  You are angry with yourself because you made a choice to do something you believe is unwise.  One thing to remember is you are allowed to change your mind!  You are not committed to any party, you are committed to you.  Even when we make commitments we often find ourselves making choices that appear to be counterproductive to what we have committed to.  This is not a backslide, this is an opportunity to learn.   

I like how Brenda called to your attention your self labels.  It is important for us to see how we refer to ourselves, how we see ourselves.  This is a good Gauge of how we are doing internally.  When we use negative terms, we are thinking negatively.  We can use our language as a cue of what direction we need to turn.   

You know, I had the mentality for years that I should just shut up when I am "panicky".  Panic and fear are pretty close companions.  As far as what are you afraid of, you are afraid of what you perceive to be as failure.  What you may not understand is failure would be having the party anyway....even though you know it would leave you mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  Failure would be refusing to recognize where you needs are.  Failure would be ignoring your authentic self, and here you did not.  You heard your authentic self through the "NOISE" of what society says is normal.  What is normal for me is not for you.  Normal is only relative.  Healthy, on the other hand, is pretty easy to recognize once we know what it feels like.  You recognized that a choice you made did not feel healthy.  You tried the mask on again and it just doesn't fit any more, so now you know you don't have to wear it at all.  You may be tempted to try it on from time to time, and that has to be OK.  You will find each time that it no longer suits you.  Eventually you will not try it on any more.  Does this make any sense?   

I can tell you are struggling here, and I wish I had the magic words or wand, yet I know you will get through this as you have everything else...yet now you have a support system.   

Teri 

Hello, 

I am 35 and finishing up my pre-law and then on to law school.  I am switching careers drastically in my thirties.  Actually, I am following my dream finally.  I believe I am at the perfect age to do this...right now.  When we want to make changes, making them right now is the best time...if we have the right controls. I don't know about retirement, yet I do know that I have never regretted education yet, and I have known some people who got degrees well into their 50's and 60's.   

Teri 

Everyone, 

After a couple of days to buffer the "rawness" of everything, I am now able to talk about Wednesday.   

On Tuesday night the vet came out to see our Taco goat.  She was able to look at one leg in the barn and felt that if we brought him in and cleaned him up he could heal.  So, the next day we took him in.  She got to see the extent of his wounds at her office and after a lot of cleaning and talking, the decision to let him go was made.   

For some the idea of this much grief over a goat dying may seem silly.  I understand that.  For me, saying goodbye to a brave soul, a friend, was very hard.  We did, however, find out who owned the dogs.  The vet actually knew.  The lady that owned them happened to come in as we were putting him down.  The vet made her stay and watch as we carried him out to take him home to bury him.  Note:  Taco weighed about 200 pounds.  I don't think she had any idea of the impact until she saw me crying and carrying him out.  I couldn't look at her, but Erv did.  It was a pretty powerful moment.   

One thing that touched me so deeply was as the vet was giving the final shot, she whispered in his ear "No more scary nights."  This comforted me more than anything.   

I want to thank everyone for their support during this time.  We still have one goat surviving and he is looking like he will do well physically, so we are now on the healing end of things.  Thanks everyone.  Hugs to all, 

Teri 

Thank you Marcia.   

I appreciate your thoughts in this.  And yes, the vet stepping up was really good.  She handled things so well, and she was loving to me as well as our goat.   

Thanks again Marcia.  You have a wonderful heart. 

Teri 

Enzymbia, 

You are correct, you are not dark, sick and twisted.  You are experiencing Life on Life's terms.  Sometimes this can be so difficult.   

You say a part of you wants to close the door, say you are happy and safe and secure in your fear.  In reality you are not, or you would not be here saying what you are saying.   

We tend to go towards things that comfort us.  We go towards the familiar, as we know it, we have touched it, tasted it, and find ourselves surrounded by it.  What we don't realize when we do this is we are creating for ourselves a Life experience that does not create health.   

Your hand was in the cookie jar.  Now it is out of the cookie jar.  You are dealing with things as you can, and you are reaching out.  You want to be healthy, you want to be OK with yourself.  It is OK.  We all can resist change when we are afraid.  What you may want to do now is practice embracing it.  Love it, hold it close, and appreciate it for what it is.   

Hugs, 

Teri 

Brenda, 

Wow...I don't know what to say other than "Oh my."  I suppose you could look at the symbolism of what you are doing right now...or not doing.   

I am taking this class right now about Interpersonal Communication.  One of the lessons has a lot to do with the symbolic nature of how we communicate.  You haven't packed.  Are you going against something in yourself?   

You are such a wonderful supportive person, and I hope you have not set yourself up to harm that wonderful person.  I am hugging you from here, appreciating you and thanking you for all of your support through the goat ordeal.  I wish I had something "magical" to say, yet I suppose now the best I can say is you have a right to change your mind. You may want to do some serious listening to the whispers, so to speak.   

Hugs, 

Teri 

I too have been a caretaker in my life.  We have two developmentally disabled young men living with us.  I am 35 as well.  I am the youngest of 3, however, and have not spoken with anyone in over 5 years now.  It is sad...yet I am taking the right steps to be able to start communicating with them again.  

I know what it is to feel like to want to fix things for those who are unhappy.  I have also learned I cannot.  It does not always help them if I do that.  Sometimes I can serve them better by just loving them.   

You came to a good place here.  You will find encouragement, thoughtful responses, and a place where we all look at ourselves with a bit of humor as well.   

Good luck and hope to see you around, 

Teri