Quote From: sfogrrlTo Lisa and Sara:
I don't know you, but I "know" your mother. She has borderline
personality disorder (as does mine). Hopefully you have found some salve
from being on the Dr. Phil show, but here is more:
Website:
www.bpdcentral.com
Books:
Stop
Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has
Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason
Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson (most
useful for illuminating the particular hurdles faced by daughters of borderline
mothers)
Therapy:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy for high-functioning individuals; therapists who
are familiar with BPD (and are therefore sufficiently sober about its
legacy for family members)
***
There are many of us out here with relationships to someone who has BPD who
deeply feel your pain, confusion, frustration, sense of "not being
believed," wondering if you're the crazy one, hurt, desire to just have a
"normal" relationship with your mom, etc. We have had horrible,
nonsensical fights with our mothers, the craziest of situations, the cleaving
and "taking sides" within families, and the feelings of helplessness all
verbatim to what was expressed on the Dr. Phil Show.
There is much more I can tell you, but these resources will give you all the
information you need to get started on the road to recovery for
yourselves. (Yes, you need recovery, even though your mother's mental
illness is the kernel of your family's dysfunction.) It has taken my
older sister and me five years of therapy, but now we are great friends (after
30 years of being artificially divided by our mother), are no longer estranged
from our father (who my mother convinced us for 10 years was worthless), and
have a healthy-enough, working relationship with our mother. Most
importantly, her forceful personality is no longer a driving force our
lives. If I understand your situation correctly, this last sentence is
probably the oddest to you: How can your mother *not* be the engine of the
family dysfunction, infusing her negativity and opinions into every corner of
everyone's lives? Rest assured: it is not only possible, it is
necessary, and it will feel a whole lot better.
Be each other's support and confidantes. You, as sisters, are lucky to
have each other, and as unlikely as it sounds, you will learn how similar your
experiences have been vis-a-vis your mom's pathology, and this alliance can be
a tremendous relief and source of comfort. Oh, and both be prepared to
get comfy in the doghouse. You will probably both be in and out of The Will,
and often -- that is, until your mother realizes that she can't control you, be
it individually, or in your relationship with each other, or your relationship
with your significant others, father figures, etc. For her, not being in
control, even if that control is in a negative fashion, is extremely scary, so
she will fight the loss of control by pulling out all the manipulation stops
she can. Step away. Move away. Call each other and commiserate;
don't call her and object. Realize that your mother will never understand
that she has intractable problems; such is the nature and tragedy of BPD.
Best of luck to you.
-- Empathetic in New York
I think this will help a lot of people who want to investigate BPD.
I have wondered if Dr. Phil is for "entertainment only" then how can he use his training to make any conclusive type comments regarding psychological problems of his guests?
Well, thanks for the book / site info.
