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Messages By: juballl

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July 25, 2005, 8:52 pm CDT

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds...

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren. I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly. I caught him with the other woman.

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around. I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal. I have had counseling and been on antidepressants. I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors. My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. A couple of days later, he asked to try again. This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then. Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened. I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way. Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like your husband may be up to his old tricks, unless you are talking about in the middle of an argument, he threatened you with divorce.

Another thing I want to say is, that you need to stop placing blame on yourself  for your husband's infidelity. He chose to  do that,  and even if you have blame as to why the marriage was going south, you have no blame for the infidelity.

One thing that may help, is if the two of you could get away together, just the two of you. Sometimes getting away to a neutral place, that is foreign to both of you can help. Rekindling a romance is not a fast process, you didn't' get where you are right now in a  day or  two, and it will take time to get things back on track, but both need to be willing.

Earning back trust is the biggest thing you can possibly do to heal for the both of you, as there is no relationship without trust, and bringing up the past is like flicking a scab off an old wound. It can cause the bleeding to start all over again. I hope this helps.

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:01 pm CDT

ctackett01, you need to tell your sister, and not talk to your bil

Quote From: ctackett01

I need anyone's advice on what to do about my brother in law. It is nothing new to my parents that my brother in law likes me, and i thought that they were just saying that. but a couple of weeks ago my sister broke her arm and she couldn't clean. When he would come home from work they would fight because the house would be a mess. ( mind you she has 3 boys that are 7 years old and a 3 year old and none of them listen) Well I got tired of listening to her crying about him, so i started going over there and cleaning making him think that it was her. When he found out that it was me he thanked me and was a little touchy towards me. I didn't think anything of it, until the next day when he called me and told me that he liked me and that he has been having dreams about me. I told him that he was married to my sister and that I loved my sister very much, and that I was very happly married and that nothing would happen. Now that he has done that I feel uncomfertable around him, and the clothes I used to wear I cant anymore because he has a coment about them. Another problem that I have is that my son loves him so much and my husband ( his step father) thinks that my brother in law is just trying to make himself look better than my husband. I don't know what to tell him and if I need to tell my brother in law to back off. Please help

ctackett01, you need to tell your sister, and not talk to your brother-in-law (bil). You may even want to ask yourself why you have not already done so. It sounds like he is a real jerk, and the last thing you need is problems with your sister. Families are forever, husbands/wives come and go in this day and age.

You need to have a talk in person with your sister, and let her know what was said. If he is hitting on you, he is probably doing as much at work, or wherever. In this day and age of STD's and HIV, you nor your sister can take something like that back. I hope this helps, and good luck

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:08 pm CDT

azimm31, not only do you not deserve this, your unborn child is none too happy when mommie is not happy

Quote From: azimm31

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We have two children (our oldest was born before we married) and we now have a third on the way. Having a baby is usually a happy moment in ones life, but I'm not feeling that way.

About a month before I found out I was pregnant, we were on the verge of separation. I believed he was having an affair (not the first he has been unfaithful) and wanted out. We talked things out and he convinced me that things would change, more than that - he would change. For awhile things were great! He treated me exactly as he had before we had any issues. What I didn't find out until later was that he was still calling the other woman. When I asked him for the what seemed like 100th time he swore never to speak to her again. Once again, I found out from him that he had spoken to her a few more times after that even. I'm so bitter with him that it's really affecting our marriage and how I feel about him. He acts so dumb and clueless about why I'm acting the way that I am. I don't believe I deserve to be treated like this, and don't want to live with this anger any longer. Top it all off, he is in a band (that's how he met the other woman in the first place). Since I've caught him through his cell phone bills, he's begun playing every weekend when our agreement from day one was that he would play no more than 3 weekends/month max. I'm thinking that now he is using his band as an excuse to meet up with her.

Although I have no proof that he is in fact doing that, I've still told him that I'm unhappy with his schedule. He works long hours during the week at his job then is gone for most of the weekend with his band.

I know what I want to get out of my marriage and I am upset because I don't feel that I will ever get it. I feel like our issues just keep building up, and nothing is getting resolved. When and how do you call it quits when you have two children and are expecting a third? I'm not even sure I want to put any effort into fixing our marriage, and feel it may be better just to leave.

Hopefully this makes sense and someone can give me advice...there is so much more to my story, but I can only explain a little at a time...

azimm31, not only do you not deserve this, your unborn child is none too happy when Mommy is not happy! Like the good doctor says, a child would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one.

In this day and age of STD's and HIV, do you truly want to take the chance of leaving your children as orphans? Obviously your husband doesn't seem to care. Like the old saying goes, a leopard can't change his spots, and although people can change, it sounds like your husband has no desire to do so.

You need to be thinking of your children as well as yourself. I know there are studies that will agree that when a mother stays upset during the pregnancy, it effects the fetus.

People can only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Don't put up with this. He can promise to kingdom comes, but that won't change whatever disease he brings home to you and your children. I hope this helps.

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:19 pm CDT

Jackieh814, communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and if you can't talk to him about intimacy, why are you being intimate?

Quote From: jackieh814

I'm in a realtionship where there is no passion, intimacy or romance. Not to mention the sex is not good, when we do have it. I've lost interest in sex and don't even want it with my partner. Why? Because he doesn't try to please me and I don't want to ask for what I want. I tried that once and he didn't seem very amused. I think he may think I'm a freak.

I care about him and don't want to end thing's but, I miss a passionate sex relationship.

Jackieh814, communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and if you can't talk to him about intimacy, why are you being intimate?

At some point in time, the sex must have been at least okay, or you would not be with him now, at least I hope that is the case.

You need to talk to your partner about what your likes/turn on's are as well as your dislikes/turn off's. If your sexual appetite is different than his, you should gently bring things up and look for a reaction, to see if it is favorable or not.

Some men love their woman to be a whore in bed and a lady in public, and others think of their wife as a mother figure. Let's hope your partner is open, but you need to go slow with bringing out information that may be foreign to your sexual relationship the way it is now, but how can you expect him to know what you want, if you are not willing to tell him?

Talk to him about role playing or different positions or anything that is different than what is going on now. Who knows, you may awaken a side of him he didn't know was there. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:31 pm CDT

Kraziegirl, it sounds like your stepfather may have lost interenst in your mother

Quote From: kraziegirl

Lately things have not been good with my mom and step dad. The situation is hard on both me and my mom. You see, my step dad lives in California, and my mom and I live here in Canada, but that's the least of my mom's worries right now. My step dad told my mom back in January I believe, that he needed a 3 month period where they didn't communicate at all, for one thing, why would he need a 3 month period? I mean, he says he loves my mom and I but you know, we're both doubtful, so if he truly loves us then why does he need that 3 months? Anyway, so my mom said, "fine" and they had a break for a while, but then grandpa (my mom's dad)died and well basically there was no sympathy from him towards us. See, what is REALLY making my mom so sad is that if my step dad doesn't want to be with her or doesn't love her anymore, why can't he just tell her that instead of treating her like this. I mean, one minute he's all "I love you" then the next he's all "leave me alone" and I don't get it either. My mom hasn't done ANYTHING to him at all, in fact she's been trying to help him and this is how he treats her. My mom has described this pain as if some one were pulling the limbs off of some animal starting with one, then doing another one. I have seen my mom cry for weeks and it makes me sad as well because I'm only 21 and I feel there's nothing I can do to help her, so I would like to know, what can be done and to be honest, I do think this is abuse, the way he's treating her....it's not fair.

Kraziegirl, it sounds like your stepfather may have lost interest in your mother. Sometimes when people are in a relationship, they do need time apart, if things get heated up, but this doesn't sound like the situation your mother/step-father are having.

I am sure you and your mother are in a lot of turmoil while this is going on, and that is a sad thing.

Maybe your mother needs to begin to think about moving on with her life, and I am sure there is someone out there somewhere that would be willing to not only love your mother, but would be able to treat her with the respect she deserves.

All you can do at this point is support your mother, and let her know you love her and are there for her.

This is something that she needs to do on her own, and she needs to try and not bring you in the middle of this.

You don't say how old you are, but other than giving your mother moral support and love, this is something you don't need to be worrying about, at least the best you can.

It sounds like your step-father is not being an adult, and doesn't have the maturity to tell your mother that he is wanting out of the relationship. He may already have another one started. If when your grandfather passed away, he was not sympathetic, that is a good sign he no longer is in love with your mother. I hope this helps, and I will have a good thought for you, and your mother

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:38 pm CDT

One of the first things you need to do is see a lawyer

Quote From: acatlin101

I have been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have one child who is 22 months old and I am expecting our second child in January. I recently found out that he has lied to me about his past. I am trying to forgive him. Then it was internet porn and poker. He says it is a way to deal with pressures at work and with me. He says he felt I didn't want him around me. When we have an argument, he is very clever in turning things as my fault. When I protest, I then become the victim. During the arguments, I have also been called a c***, bitch and recently a whore. He'll then apologize for the name calling and expects to be forgiven. The last fight I told him I was finished with the relationship and wanted to move closer to my parents. (a five hour drive from where we live). I was told I couldn't leave him unless I lived nearby or I leave my daughter permently with him. I was told I could have the expected baby. He didn't care only he wanted our daughter. If I tried to fight for what I believe is normal custody, he would take our daughter no matter what. Threat? He acted shocked when I asked if he meant kidnapping her.

I'm so confused and depressed.

Can anyone help?

One of the first things you need to do is see a lawyer. Each state is different, and let me say up front, fore warned, is fore armed. Don't tell him your intentions. I do know most places, if no papers have been filed, either of you could do what you want as far as taking your child anywhere. This is a great reason to seek a lawyer and find out where you stand, and what you need to do, so you stay legal, as if you left without getting some legal things done, he would just file papers and he who files first wins, if not only temporarily.

The abuse he is giving you, no one deserves, and  that is sometimes more difficult to deal with than physical abuse. It sounds like he has an external locus of control,(blames everything outside himself for problems) and one cannot change what they don't acknowledge, as the good doctor says.

If you want to go home, and not put up with this abuse, seek a lawyer, to ensure you are doing the right thing legally, and the go! Your unborn child doesn't need the extra stress, and as the good doctor says, children would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one. I hope this helps, and good luck

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:45 pm CDT

Usually a controlling person is a sign of insecurity

Quote From: verdine

I have been married for 6 years to my wonderful and beutiful wife we have 10 mos old daughter and i seem to be a controlling husband and I dont want to be but all growing up this is what i saw in my life with my own father and mother needs some help what i should be doing. I going to see a counselor in my area as well for some help. Buy any suggestions would be great

Usually a controlling person is a sign of insecurity, and I guess you know how secure you feel as a person and with your relationship. We all have baggage from our childhood, and yes, it is difficult to not repeat a pattern that we have seen in our own household, but it is not impossible.

One thing you need to do, is ensure you are owning up at all times, that your controlling ways, are your problems, and your wife is not to blame for your actions. If your wife has given you a reason to be controlling, then again,  how you react to that is again on you, not her. If she has given you a reason, then you need to work through that and move on, not keep opening old wounds, and if she has not given you a reason, then again, you need to always accept blame, ensure you are not doing the "see what you made me do" thing that so many of us do to each other.

Keep the communications open and when you are feeling threatened, and feel like you need to have control of a situation, then talk to her about it, and express what you are feeling. This is not to justify what you are feeling/doing, this is the help her better understand where you are coming from. I hope this helps, good luck

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:47 pm CDT

Hi Lilacmess

Quote From: lilacmess

Cool! New and improved boards. Looking forward to hearing from everyone.
Great seeing you as well. Take care, and looking forward to seeing your post
 
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July 25, 2005, 9:59 pm CDT

Let's hope he is not a lost cause!

Quote From: bunch2

We have been only married for 1 1/2 years and we only have sex/make love once a month. My husband says there is no time (we have no children). When we do make love it takes about 5 minutes and is horrible, horrible and did I say horrible? I have tried showing, telling, talking, writingto try and help him along with what I desire and still absolutely NO improvements. He also lacks effective communication skills and when I talk to him about our relationship he looks at me like a deer in the headlights! He does not respond, act on or try and change the direction of our relationship. I am at a loss because he is such a kind, gentle and thoughtful soul. He is the type of man that cleans the house, does laundry and pulls my side of the sheets down for me to go to bed! I have talked to him about our relationship for the last 6 months and our last conversation I said I am not going to renew the mortgage (due in September).

Is my Husband a lost cause?

Let's hope he is not a lost cause! Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise. How you have a husband and have not been able to communicate is beyond me, but you do, and that is why you have the problem.

Finding a time to sit down with no distractions, (television, others around, having a deadline of some place to be) and sit face to face and make him talk.

When you talk with him, make sure you ask open ended questions, ones that he can't just give a yes or no answer to, and when he does open up and make even a little progress, praise him in some way, not overly praise, but enough to give him the confidence of feeling like wow that wasn't so bad, I opened up, communicated and not in pain!  Make sure your first attempts at getting him to open up and communicate are about non-threatening things. Don't make it about sex, in the beginning. When you do finally get around to the topic of sex, make sure it is in a non-threatening place, such as the bedroom. Discuss it when in a park, or in the car on a drive. Some place he is not in fear of having to go right then and perform. Ensure as well that you don't criticize him for his thoughts or actions while getting him to open up. In  time, you will be able to talk about things that are wrong, in your eyes, but if he is not a talker,  you don't want to scare him off before he feel comfortable in opening up.

You are going to have to have patience, and in the beginning you are going to only get a little at a time, but in time, the more confident he is with expressing himself, he will open up more, and maybe he will begin to flow like a river.

When you do get around to talking about sex, again ensure it is open ended questions, and try and find out what he likes/turn on's and what he doesn't like/turn off's. It sounds like you are a more open person, so let him express his desires before you scare him with yours.

Again, this is not going to happen over night, and you will need patience. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!

 
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July 26, 2005, 10:09 pm CDT

I think You answered your own question

Quote From: ctackett01

I feel I should tell my sister but, there are a lot of things that is stopping me. First of all she is on medication for depression, and I don't want her to end up in a mental inst. Next, after I told her husband that nothing would happen their releationship all of a sudden got better. I feel really unconfterable around him but it is not like I can keep from seeing him. My son loves him to death and I know that my sister would be really hurt, and I don't want her to take it the wrong way and be mad at me? Does this sound reasonable or does it sound like I am making up excuses?
I think You answered your own question, now didn't you? It sounds like you are making excuses to me, but only you know for sure. I think it would drive your sister up a wall more, if she found out your bil hit on you and you didn't tell her, than if you just told her. Their relationship didn't get better, he was just worried you would tell his wife, so he began to behave. That shows you, he has the ability to behave when he "chooses" to behave. It's your life, and your decision. Yes, it will open a can of worms, but I would rather be on the side of truth than on deceit once the can is opened, and it very may open from a different direction, and you could be drug into it, if once he is caught with someone else, and tries to drag your name into it then. The acid test should probably be, if the situation were turned around, would you want your sister to tell you, or let your husband go around hitting on other women. I hope this helps
 

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