Quote From: madmerMy 5 year old daughter is very clingy and refuses to go to school, she cries and sticks herself to me like crazy glue. She will not follow the lineup with the other kids and gets very upset about going to school, she continuously asks me to stay with her, and has a lot of anxiety about being seperated from me.
I have asked her "why" she doesn't want to go, and what she is afraid of or upset about, and her only answer is that she "misses her mommy"
She has always really liked school, and she has said she loves school and loves her new teacher, and she already has made some new best friends. She is fine/happy once she is in the classroom, plays with the other children and participates in the activites, and she is happy when I pick her up. But, I am having tremendous trouble getting her to seperate from me, and go to school independantly and happily. She also does the same behavior at ballet class (and she really enjoys ballet), she refuses to line up with the other children, and the teacher has to take her hand and coax her into the room. She loves ballet and it is only 45 minutes long, and she knows I am outside the room sitting in the parent lobby. She still says she misses me too much to go.
She has never been in daycare or babysat by anyone other than family, and I am begining to feel like somehow I have done her an incredible disservice by being home with her, and being a stay at home mom, because she is so unprepared to be seperated from me. I have asked her if she would like to spend the afternoon by herself with grandma(whom she knows very well) and this seems to cause her the same anxiety about being away from me.
She is very shy and passive and has always been clingy, even in preschool she behaved in much the same way. She spent 2 years in Jr. Kindergarten (preschool) the first year she went 2 half days a week, and last year she went 3 half days a week.
The first year she spent in preschool she was very excited to go (she begged us to sign her up for school), and besides the usual bumpy first week she did very well for the first half of the year, but when school resumed after christmas break, she began the extremely clingy behavior. Her teacher told me that for some kids the "novelty" of school just wears off around that time and so they begin to have some difficulties, but to hang in there and she would get through it. She spent the rest of the year struggling with being seperated from me.
The second year of preschool she had a lot of anxiety and clingy behavior for the first 2-3 months, then she had a period where she did very well and went happily to school, and then the last few months of the school year the anxious behavior started again, and became much worse. To the point where she was making herself so upset at school that she was vomitting.
This year she goes 5 half days/week. She has been in school for 6 weeks, which has been 24 school days. I was hoping she would get over this by now, but she hasn't, and she seems to be getting worse again. For a while it seemed she was starting to get better, with the help of the teacher taking her hand to help her away from me and into the school. But there has been a few long weekends that seem to have upset the routine and her progress and thrown her right back into the axiety.
She likes to be the first in line so we arrive early and she stands in the lineup. When the other kids arrive she is happy, and plays and goofs around with them. She is generally happy during this time. When the bell rings and the teacher comes outside, she runs out of the lineup and hugs me, and won't let go of me. She used to take the teachers hand and help lead the lineup, but now she even resists that.
When I try talking to her about why she is so upset, she becomes very embarassed, hides her face, and says "mom I don't want to talk about this"
I have asked her if she is afraid, if someone was mean, if she doesn't like someone, if she doesn't like school etc. She says the only reason she doesn't want to go to shcool is because she misses me.
I have tried explaining to her that she is only at school for a small part of the day, and the rest of the time she is with me. I have talked to her about how it is ok to miss someone, but you don't need to be sad, and it shouldn't stop you from doing fun stuff or learnign new things. I have told her that even when she is away from me and misses me, I am always there in her heart etc. and that I will see her again very soon when school is over. I have talked to her about all the fun things they do at school, and all the stuff she would miss if she didn't go.
On the days when she does well, I reinforce her good behavior by telling her how proud I am of her, and how proud and happy she should feel of herself.
I have been very patient with her, and tried everything I can think of;
security item from home, family picture (we even got her a luggage tag to wear it on her belt loops), we've read the "kissing hand" story (about the racoons mom kissing his hand, so when he feels sad and misses her he can just put his hand to his face to feel her), a special friend taking her hand, helping her into the school myself, letting her just sit and watch the other kids, rewards and consequences, tough love and just letting her cry, even tried just ignoring it.
I can't think of any major events or changes that have caused her to feel so anxious. She is healthy, eats good foods, and gets plenty of sleep.
Nothing seems to be helping and I am frustrated and am very close to reaching my breaking point.
I too was a stay at home mom. The separation anxiety started for us when my son started preschool. In his case, a little bus came to pick him up since he had developmental delays and had to go to a special school. Every day when the bus came, the tears would start. On one hand, I felt terrible knowing that I was sending my son out into the world without me. On the other hand, it felt good to know that he wanted to be with me. Also, I knew that I was doing the right thing by sending him, so that helped me deal with the guilt.
I soon learned that the shorter and sweeter our good-byes were, the quicker he was able to adjust. Because he had the bus ride, he was always calm by the time he got to school. As a matter of fact, the bus driver used to say that as soon as the bus turned the corner and our house was out of sight, he calmed down.
My advice is to talk about all of the fun, positive things about school as you're getting ready; remind her that you'll be there for her when school is over. When you say good-bye, make it short and sweet. Don't get sucked in by the tears to linger and offer her comfort. Once you've said good-bye, it's somebody else's job to comfort her and distract her. It's hard, I know, but it will get easier.
By the way, after you've left her, go get yourself a latte or something. Or do some deep-breathing exercises. (Whatever you do to manage stress.) Saying good-bye is stressful for you too.
