Messages By: joyceymay

I have a son with Aspergers' (a milder form of PDD) who USED to have a lot of sensory issues to deal with.  But there are therapies out there to deal with Sensory Processing Disorders.  Occupational Therapists can help.  For my son, it was crucial that we deal with the sound sensitivity, so he also had Berard Auditory Integration Training.  He also had vision therapy supervised by an optometrist who is a Fellow of the College of Optometric Vision Development. 

I can't say that any of these therapies were a cure-all.  My son still has Asperger's and needs help developing social skills, but he is able to get through the day with much less stress and needs a lot less support than he would have otherwise.  (His only modification is extra time for tests and he rarely sees his consultant teacher.)  He can also enjoy activities that he would have totally avoided before--such as being a statistician for the high school basketball team.  (He wouldn't have been able to tolerate going to a basketball game before, due to the overstimulation.) 

I am totally frustrated that treatments that I have just described are so hard to get (you often have to pay for them out of your own pocket, like we did).  Meanwhile, it's a lot more expensive for schools to pay for the additional support (special education teachers, speech services, 1:1 aides, etc.) but they do it anyway.   

Your 4 year old started school?  Do you mean kindergarten or pre-school?  Is he one of the youngest in his class?   Did he turn 4 recently, or is he going to turn 5 soon?  Without knowing more about him and the type of program he's in, it's unclear whether the expectations are not appropriate for his age level, or if he's really having a problem.  By all means, DON'T let anyone pressure you into putting him on medication.  There are a lot of other things you could try first.   

What is he like at home?  Does he listen to and follow directions at home?  Is his behavior hard to manage at home?  Does he have a melt-down every time that he doesn't get what he wants?  Is he constantly active, or does he sometimes engage in a quiet activity?  Is he used to being around other children his age?  Is he impulsive, always getting into trouble? 

I'm a 1:1 aide for "Jamie," a 3 1/2 year old with symptoms of ADHD, who is an integrated preschool program.  I also have a 16 y/o son who was diagnosed with PDD (an autism spectrum disorder that is a lot more complex than ADHD) at age 3. . . My gut feeling is that there are a number of factors here.  If he's not used to being around kids his age, that could definitely be a factor, but there are probably other reasons for his behavior as well.  It might help to get him tested and hopefully "identified" by the school, so that he could have a 1:1 aide.  "Jamie's" behavior improved a lot when I came into the picture.  (Make sure that his teachers are carefully documenting every episode so that it will be easier to make your case to the committee.)  Your little guy also needs a consistent plan for dealing with his inappropriate behavior.  Everybody that is responsible for managing his behavior needs to be on the same page. 

I also think that it's very possible that there are foods in your step-son's diet that could be triggering his symptoms.  We put my son on the Feingold diet (see www.feingold.org) starting at about age 4.  It helped a lot, but wasn't the total answer.  It turned out that my son also had some sensitivities to some natural foods that were allowed on the Feingold Diet.  For help identifying other possible problem foods, I recommend reading Is This Your Child? by Dr. Doris Rapp.  I took my son to a dr who did the same type of testing and treatment as Dr. Rapp.  It made a world of difference.  (You don't have to see a special doc.  You can just follow the guidelines in the book.)  At first, it seems like a lot of work, but there are big pay-offs in the long run. 

To say that my son has come a long way over the past 12 years is an understatement.  He was in a self-contained special ed preschool class and got every single service that they had to offer.  His preschool teachers doubted that he would be able to function appropriately in a regular kindergarten class.  Fast forward to 11th grade . . . My son is in all college prep classes.  He's even in 3 honors classes (2 of which will enable him to receive college credit by the end of the school year).  He gets extra time for tests, but that's it.  He needs no other supports.  His teachers all love him.  They're constantly saying things like "He's a pleasure to have in class."  His peers admire and respect him.  He even has a date for the prom already.  I'm not saying this to brag.  I just want to make the point that positive changes are very possible, and my son has been able to make all of these changes without ever going on medication. 

My gut reaction is that she deserves to know the truth.  You tell her that her daddy loves her, but she never gets to see him.  That's got to be confusing.  She may wonder if he's staying away because of something that she said or did. 

But while you're telling her the truth, stick to facts, not opinions.  Don't say that her daddy is "bad."  Tell her that Daddy is in jail because he made some really bad choices and he broke the law.  (You don't have to be too specific if she's not developmentally ready to hear what he did, like if he committed rape or something).  It's okay to teach her that actions have consequences and that people who choose to break the law--no matter who they are--have to go to jail. 

I have 2 boys who are also 2 years apart.  They are very close, but like any two people who are together as much as they are, they occasionally get into fights.  If it sounds like they'll be able to work things out without anyone getting hurt, I leave them alone.  (Being able to negotiate and compromise is an important life skill that I want them to learn.)  But once in a while, tempers flare and they need me to intervene before things get too out of hand.   

Here's what I do in those situations: 

1) I send them to time-outs in separate rooms so that they can cool down.  I leave them totally alone for about 5-10 minutes (my kids are teenagers; if they were much younger, I wouldn't wait as long. 

2) When they are calm enough to have a rational conversation, I sit down with them one at a time.  First, I actively listen to the one I'm talking to tell his side of the story.  I only interrupt if I need clarification.   

3) Once he knows that I have really heard what he has to say, I ask: "Now what could YOU have done differently that could have prevented this?"   (I'm hoping for an answer such as "I would tell him how I felt in a nicer way."  Or "I would put myself in timeout so that I could calm down."  Or "I would stop playing until he's ready to play by the rules.")    Sometimes, they say "I wouldn't do anything differently.  It's all HIS fault."  When that happens, I may try to help him see things from his brother's perspective.  I also say things like, "You can't control your brother's behavior, but you can control your behavior.  I want to know what are YOU going to do differently next time.  Remember, I'm going to have this same conversation with your brother. " 

4) Sometimes, I bring them together to do a little negotiating.  "I'll do ________ if you do __________." 

5) We always end by appologizing, but it's genuine by that time, not forced. 

By consistently following this little plan, I have had to use it less and less frequently, because they have gotten better skilled at solving conflicts on their own.  The most important part, I think, is really listening to what each one has to say and not taking one side or they other. 

It's also critical that I model appropriate behavior for them.  I don't engage them in a yelling match and I don't get physical with them.  I only do what I have to do to break them up and get them in their separate time-out rooms. 

"Circle time" is normally "Jamie's" worst time of day.  (He is 3 1/2 and has several symptoms of ADHD.)  He usually has a hard time sitting still and listening during circle.  We know that Jamie needs lots of sensory input, so today one of his teachers sat behind him during Circle Time and gently massaged his shoulders, back, and arms.  He was like a completely different kid!  He sat quietly and was actually engaged in the story that was being read.  He even responded appropriately.  What's more, it was easier to manage his behavior after Circle Time was over.