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Messages By: janice255

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August 6, 2005, 8:22 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: suzbuc

Gee ... really don't know if this should be in sex or depression because it is both.  I lived with a man for 4 years and thought he was my soulmate.  While fixing his computer for him, I inadvertently discovered some suspect online activities.  I knew he liked to look at porn but this was different.  I am a computer expert and investigated and discovered that he had personal ads at a bunch of "alternative" sites for bisexual encounters, encounters with couples ... well just about any encounter you could imagine.  We are both self-employed and worked from the residence, yet I didn't have a clue.  He would meet men in the afternoon and be gone just a short while.  He had a couple of nights out so I guess they weren't spent at the local pool hall as he had said.  I confronted him and he tried lying.  The evidence I had was concrete and when confronted with it, he finally admitted it, but was furious for what he considered an invasion of his privacy.  For about 3 months after that, he lied more and said he quit all that and we worked on the relationship.  I didn't trust him though and investigated again and found that he had never skipped a beat.  I left.  The biggest problem I guess is me.  I can't get over this.  My life is so different now.  I don't see people.  I hide away in my house.  My work has been affected terribly.  Some days I don't get out of bed.  I feel like any possibility of a romantic life is over.  I don't trust people anymore.  If someone that I thought I knew as well as I thought I knew him could fool me, anyone can.  I really hate my life now; everything about it.  It's like I have just given up on life.  I still see my adult children, but that's it and I put on a happy face for them, but it is a facade.  I have nightmares about it all and a day doesn't go by that I don't think about it.  It's been a year and a half and my life is just going to hell in a handbasket.  I am 55 and the rest of my life without romance ... spending here alone just seems very long, but the thought of another relationship literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I had to read alot of nasty stuff on his computer to find the truth and the thought of what he could have exposed me to ... all of that ... just makes me sick.      suzbuc
 
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March 16, 2006, 6:00 pm CST

This isn't me.

Quote From: janice255

 I was replying to the message above, but it looks like I wrote the same thing the other woman wrote.  It's on there twice.  I was telling  the woman that there is so much more to life because she stated she didn't even want to get out of bed or see anybody.  You can join a gym or take a course at a local community college.  Learn something new.  If you have some single women friends you can meet for dinner ,maybe go to a movie.  Rent a funny video or dvd and laugh.  Many libriaries have some interesting things going on.  The other persons message is very good.  Get counseling some you pay based on your income and can go at night.  And see a Dr. to make sure you didn't get anything like a sexual desease  from this pervert Like the other person said he had these issues before you came along.  For years  I had an abusive first husband and my Mother had old fashioned beliefs that the wife stayed no matter what.  Also my religous beliefs.  I finally left through a Domestic Violence organazation.  I immediatly gained 10 pounds the first month, which I needed to do.  I felt so much happier and found out there is so much more to life. 
 
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May 16, 2006, 8:14 am CDT

abusive girlfriends and wives

Quote From: kyrosemom

Is your son mentally unable to make decisions? 

If not, then blaming the DIL is not the answer. It is YOUR SON who chose his life's path. The remark about the ice cream is just  silly, because it is your son's decision to risk his health.  If he wanted to do things differently, he would. If he wanted to see you, he would, even if his wife did not like it.  Believe me,  I know this from experience. My husband decided to see his sister, even after she tried to disparage me and destroy our marriage. If they are hellbent on being attached at the hip, they will be.

It seems that your story has a few elements missing. You cannot tell me that your son just, for no reason, out of the blue sky, just called and cussed you out.  It also sounds like you enjoyed being up on a pedastal and were really put out when that "other woman" came into his life. Did you even try to get to know her? Were you kind toward her? I mean, if your son picked her, she would have to have SOME redeeming qualities, wouldn't she? Also, the line about  how his "wife had a baby", sounds like you do not believe the baby is your son's. 

I do not know you and you might very well be the innocent party in this thing. But, some things just do not sound right.




 My son went through the same thing at 16 then 17.  he fell in love with a very manipulative girl.  My son and I were close beecause I also was a single Mom.  His Dad died when he was 10 years old of lung cancer.  I tried to tell the girl I wanted my son to finish high school and get married and have children, but that him and I would always be close and her and I could have a close relationship.  She said he could no longer talk to me.  When she saw how upset he was she changed her mind.  I told him to not marry her because there was way too much fighting and her putting him down and hitting him and jumping on him when he was sleeping etc.  He married her and there was constant abuse.  I let him handle it himself.  I just prayed he would have enough courage to leave.  Finally after 19 month she left him for another man.  He was devastated, but I told him I loved him and God loved him.  That thought went through his mind when he was going to kill himself.  She did tell his friends to stay with him the first night she was gone.  They did and let him get drunk to the point of passing out.  She just wanted to get out of going to school and away from her working Mom telling her to do some of the housework. Also was like her MOM in that her Mom was having affairs.  He later married another woman whose husband had been abusive to her and unfaithful and they are still married.  Not all men are abusive sometimes girls and women are also.  Years later I saw that girl in a store and she had her son with her and said she now understands what I was saying and how I felt.  You can love your son or daughter and still want them to have a life of their own.
 
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hopeful
May 16, 2006, 8:47 am CDT

Mom's not always right

I see from this that I'm not the only child who had a Mom who did nothing when her 17 year ofd daughter was being dragged from her parents house screaming by an overly possesive boyfriend who saw he could get away with anything.  Mom didn't want to be disturbed after 9p.m. so she could get her sleep.  Just go she would say.  He said no girl told him "no".  Years later the mother moves in on me because of macular degeneration and needs help with reading her mail and writing checks , shopping, etc.  I finally left the Male Chauvinist Pig through Domestic Violence after 17 1/2 years on my own.  Her moving in after all those years brought back many bad memories.  People say get over it.  You wish you could.  A friend loaned me an Anxiety dpression tape and it said why are you letting someone from 10, 15, 20 years ago still control your life?  A wake up call!  A preacher finally gave me a Bible scripture Phillipians 3:13-14.  Leaving behind those thing that are behind me and reaching toward a higher calling to God.  Paraphrased.  The first sentence is the main thought for this subject.
 
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May 23, 2006, 6:16 am CDT

don't settle for second best

Quote From: watchinu

Angee should run while there is still room out there to get away.  

Rachel is taking care of the baby now plus paying all the bills. She can do it all herself, so she should get away from her situation as well.  

From what I have read it looks like the show will be about two irresponsible, not grown-up boys. They are still in their mother's pockets. By this time I doubt whether they will ever grow up.  

These young ladies have both made wrong decisions, from the sound of things.  

Ladies get some selfworth. Pick yourselves up and get going. If you don't, you will be dragged down right along with these men.  

You, and others like you, are in such situations because you allowed it.  

I do not want to be judgemental, but people have to want the best life for themselves.  

Well, let's wait and see what Dr Phil says.  

 Racheal,You give him an ultamatium.  Get a job and keep it with in a month or I'm out of here.  Set a time limit. You have taught him how to treat you.,without realizing it.  He is happy as long as he has a roof over his head and food to eat. He only cares about himself. Your baby needs a good role model ,not a sponge!  Take back control of your life.  You can't change someone else, but you can change youself. Angee,  don't  make  same mistakes I made.  I saw big red flags, but  focused on the good.  He  probably will never change.  You don't marry someone thinking you can change them.  " What you see and hear is what you get."  Please, There are more fish in the sea.  You can find someone else and in the meantime there are so many other  things you can do.  I felt so much peace when I left after an almost six year marriage.  I let my dreams go and realized I had given him control.  I got that control back when I left.  Sometimes talking is of no value. You are talking to a brick wall.  You deserve better and there is better out there.
 
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June 26, 2006, 2:57 pm CDT

My first ex all over again

Quote From: elwood

Polyfidelity??!  I'm pretty sure that's called infidelity.  Charles has got to be kidding.  I hope Dr. Phil tears him a new one.
 I first ex was as arrogant and high and mighty as Charles.  He loved 'go=go dancers' dancing prostitutes, as some called them in Calif. then.  When we moved to Virginia he was arrested with in a week for solicting a prostitute at a local truck stop.  He told me later that he didn't think he was going to make it home before I woke up!  It started almost from day one.  Every time  I would try to leave my Mom or someone that knew I was going to leave would call him at work and tell him and he would come home or find me before I could get away.  He wouldn't stop.  My mother said you have to put up with everything because he is the husband and can do whatever he wants.  He had three illigitamate children that he claimed and one he didn't claim.  He left three times and then come back using the children or someone in his family to weil his way back in.  I would go into another room and cry.  I finished high school before marrying, but since I never worked outside the marrriage, I had a hard time finding a job making enough money to make it on my own with two kids.  I knew by then I would have to be the one to leave.  If I got money he would steal it saying he nedded it mor than I did.  Talking did no good.  His last mistress would come over and get in my face and told me " Away with you and the kids stay here I'll be their Mom" .  I said "Over my dead body!"  You can have him, but I get the kids.  She had four of her own.  The last one was illigimate!  He told me after 17 years that he was taking her and her kids on vacation because me and the kids didn't deserve a vacation.  I got worried as vacation time neared that he would take our kids at night and meet her and they would leave to where I would never find them. I had a part-time job sitting third shift for an elderly lady.  I talked with a lawyer who said to save up money then leave.  I had tried to do that as stated above.  That night after talking to the lawyer I called several people to see if I could stay with them a few days till I got things worked out to go on my own.  A sister-in-law, his brother's wife told me to call DOVES.  An agency for abused women.  She said they will help you.  I knew by the sound of her voice that she knew what she was talking about.  I called.  They sent a cab in the direction I said I would be walking and to tell him I was going to see one of my friends.  My 13 year old daughter said  she wanted to stay with Dad.  She was always a Daddy's girl.  My 8 year old son left with me.  All I had was an empty purse except for a driver's liscense.  The cab took us to a motel in the back and left us.  The motel  woman gave me a key.  Then the DOVES lady came and left me $3.00 for breakfast and said we would talk the next morning.  The next morning as I walked to a nearby convient restruant I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew this woman would help me and I had my son by the hand all I knew for sure was I wasn't going back.  It got rough with him chasing me and such but I made it.  I had to go from sad to mad and finally get the help I needed to leave.  He was as arrogant as this Charles.  I called it Male Chuavinist Pig.  Course this was in 1982 so $3.00 for breakfast in a convience restraunt was a good amount.  He found out he had lung cancer and had about a year to live two weeks before our divorce was final!!!  Him and the other woman, this one wasn't a go-go dancer but hid behind religon, married a week after the divorce.  He lived one year and 5 months then died.  God really took care of that one!  I had to leave first.  After four months of her step-mother not wanting her to stay in Band in school cause of a shortage of money with her Dad out of work for awhile then part time, she came to live with me.  She said I always knew I could count on you.  That made up for 16 months of her living with her Dad.  I gained 10 punds the first month after I left.  I needed it and my self esteem of making it on my own was so great.  I didn't know, at the time, that verbal and sexual abuse was abuse.  My Mother finally came over to my side.  I hope this woman realizes like Dr. Phil told her she had to get to a different level.  She will feel so much better.  He won't quit seeing this other woman and if he does there will be another and another.  It's written all over his face just as it was on my ex's.
 
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hopeful
June 30, 2006, 6:38 pm CDT

Yes you maybe the only Christ he sees

Quote From: pv356am

Praise God that He was reaching out to you and you took His help.  He sent the Preacher to help and give you peace.   

  

I too come from a lot of crazy background problems.  This show put some deep questions in my mind and I'm seeking advice, opinions regarding my situation.  My father raped my half sister years ago.  I didn't find out until I was an adult.  I still have a relationship with my father, but my family totally opposes me for this decision.  Am I wrong?  It's so hard.  At times I want to beat the crap out of him (even though he doesn't know that I know the truth) and at other times, I feel he's my father and he's always loved me and been there for me.  He's never hurt me or my children (but I've guarded my children and not allowed them to stay in his home without me).  I'd like others insight.  Since it's so sensitive, I don't share with others out of fear how they would treat him or maybe even they'd come out and tell him.   

  

My peace comes from the Lord and I seek His counsel first and thus far, the Lord has said, "Love him.  He needs Christ and you may be the only Christ on earth he sees".   

  

What do you think?   

  

Thank you and I'll add you to my prayers.   

 It sounds like you are handling this the right way.  Let Dad, Grandpa, see his grandchildren, but under your supervision.  At least you were not raped.  Yes you might be the only one who might lead him to the Lord.  Our life speaks louder than words.  You've got to walk the talk.  Then a door might open to openly talk about Christ.  I'll pray for you and you pray for me.  My daughter in law was molested by a family friend when she was nine.  Her Mom and stepdad left her in him and his wife's care so she wouldn't have to switch schools in the middle of the year when they went to another state to chak out a job.  She said it was so horrible she didn't tell them when they came back for her.  She acepted God when she was ten because it was too much to handle by her self.  It was a long time before she told her Mom.  So many kids, girls and boys are molested it is astonishing. and so many feel guilty or are afraid to talk.
God
 
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July 10, 2006, 6:35 pm CDT

Over 50 WLC Community

Quote From: jazz48

Are any of you caregivers or have been a caregiver in the past? I'd sure like to hear from you. My mother, who has dementia and physical limitations lives with me, so I wanted to hear about your experiences. What does this have to do with weight, for me everything because it is the main focus of my life? Thanks 

 

JAZZ 

 My mother came to live with me on June 21,2001!  Money was the incentive.  Greed got me a demanding mother who screams loud and long if she doesn't get her way!  Why are you two minutes late?!  Trying to help her when she started having dizzy spells and then a year later sezuriers cost me a week in the phcho ward at the hospital and all the other costs of nearly $4000.00 which my insurance paid most of my hospital bill.  She said since it cost you that much and $188.00 to keep from losing my driver's liscence I'll give you $1,000.00.  She told the 911 people that I got too close. Yeah, I thought she was having another mini - stroke like the day before so I tried to lean over her and give her a hug and say I Love You , but she told police I was holding her down on the bed and trying to stop her from answering the door when the 911 people came after I_ called them.  They said they had to take someone out of the situation so they took me.  I have COPD and Rhuematoid Arthriis so the police wouldn't let me stay in jail.  They took me to the hospital.  Her leg that went numb the day before got the feeling back just before 911 got her to the hospital so they brought her back home.  My home which Iost because the judge told me to leave my mothers house.  It was my house!  She moved in on me.  Now I owe the government $9,000.00 because my house was auctioned off after we moved to different apartments a half mile apart and I was duped into thinking my house was sold and it wasn't so I lost it cause it was too far behind in payments.  The government can take 10% of your Social Security Disability check if you owe any government agency like the Rural Housing Authority is.  See what greed got me.   I' still have to take her to church, grocery shopping, pharmacy, hairdresser every six weeks among the things like shopping for gifts.  I TRY MY BEST TO GET HER convinced that I found things in mail order magazines.  Neither of us is up to shopping.  My COPD is embarressing because I start sweating if I have to walk too far or shop too long I give out of oxygen even though I have a portable oxygen tank I carry on my shoulder.  I mean sweat till my head is wringing wet and sweat is pouring off my chin and nose.  She says "oh, it's a problem for you not for me!"  She can't even make it through an average size grocery store without her left leg dragging and she can hardly walk with a bigh walker.  She refuses to go to a nursing home because she'll lose the money she has set aside for the other four kids.  They all have their own reasons not to take care of her.  They live all over the US. She has a constant list of things for me to do even though she has housekeeper once a week through a Gov. agency and Meals on Wheels.  She has some semintia also
 
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July 11, 2006, 7:35 pm CDT

Over 50 WLC Community

Quote From: mayzak

  Janice, it seems that you more than have your hands full.  Have you gone thru your local mental health department to seek counseling for your mother and for yourself.  It sounds like you need to talk to a professional and get help for your mother and also some support for yourself.    It sounds like your medical condition has reached a point that you yourself may need an assisted living to help you be able to get thru most effectively.   

    It is important to let the other brothers and sisters know that you have done all you can do and now it is time for them to step up and help out and if not then as I see it a nursing home or assisted living is the only thing that can be done.   

   Sometimes we have to just go day to day and let the financial situation go as it may.  It sounds like your health is such that you are just having problems just taking care of you and you do not need someone else to look after.  Have you looked into what is available for assisted living in your state?  The money that your mother has must be used for her health if she can no longer do for herself.  I do not know of the laws in Virginia as I live in South Carolina but I do know that before most goverment agencies will step in and help almost all of the resources must be used first.  It sounds like on your part you would have no problem but your mother will need to spend what she has on assisted living then be able to go and get more government help unless your brothers and sisters want to all chip in and pay for your mother's bills at a nursing home or assisted living but you can no longer do it.  You do need to talk with your doctor and see what he recommends as what is the best course of action for both you and your mother.    We on this weight loss board are very supportive but I am not sure we can help you as you need.   May God Bless you.        

     Chilly so glad to hear that you are feeling better at least for now.  I hope that the PT and all will help and that you get to feeling better soon. 

     Vickie,  how is the no smoking going.  The first few days are usually worse but I know you can do it and just think of all of the health benefits that you will get once you have stopped and stay away from the ciggarettes.  You need to take the money you were spending on the smoking and put it in a special account and then take a trip or do something you really want with what you would have just burnt up. 

     Hello to everyone else.  Hope you all are  having a good day.                        Alice 

 Yes, I have been eating too much out of frustration, satisfy what you can, much more than I did before my mother came to live with me.  The nursing home I contacted and  went to talk to said they would have to go to her apartment and evaluate her and see if she qualifies and from what I told them they think she qualifys.  So much for surprising her and taking her to the nursing home and getting someone there to help me get her inside.  She will go kicking and screaming.  I took her to a real nice, but not real expensive assisted living place last year when we were told by the judge and two of my Dr.'s to quit taking care of her and a big house and yard, but she said everyone was just waiting to die.  She found all kinds of excuses.  Food tastes better when your having a self pity party.  Thanks for responding .  I'll keep you posted.  I need to lose about 15-20 lbs.  Really could go down another 10 more than that but they say you can weigh 10 lbs. more after 40 and I'm almost 60!
 
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July 12, 2006, 12:52 pm CDT

no evaluation

Quote From: kfcgirl23

Always great to read you all. Yes Andie we certainly have a smorgesborg of issues to deal with along with weight.  You are right. Best to deal with weight as soon as possible. Once we get into our 60's and if any of us are in our 60's already well the 70's won't be any easier. We certainly all do have a lot in common :-) 

  

Janice I'm so glad you are having your mom evaluated and looking into assisted living for her.   

  

Vickie-sorry to hear you are suffering the aftermath of PT.  But girlfriend I'm right there with you. My back is killing me and throw my neck in there too. They said I'd really be feeling it and I am. Worse I'm going to my dentist in less then an hour. This is just a cleaning appt. but yeap, I'll have to spill the beans my right side where they worked on crowns earlier this year is not doing well. So yeap, I assume I will be getting another appt to address the problem. Glad you are making the transition with the changes around the house.  

  

Everybuddy else pardon me for not mentioning you but I can't sit here any longer between my jaw and back that's it for me. Hugs to all. 

  

chilly 

  

  

 I called two her two Dr.'s last year and they said you can't have anyone evaluated without their consent.  She says I have to take care of her because I made a commentment.  I told her what my Dr's said and of course she said I was the one mixed up.  Today I tried to talk to her about how they have a special bus with a ramp and she could get on that when they lowered it and walk on with her walker and then sit down .  Of course this is a bus for senior citizens.  I couldn't finish because she started singing and clapping like she does when she doesn't want to continue.  The mother has become the child and the child the mother.  I took care of this last summer and got no where.  She has, for the most part realized that screaming in the car when she doesn't like something I will pull over and stop because I don't know if it's the police or if she is hurt or what and I can't drive with her screaming which she has done ever since I was a child and my Dad finally left after all the kids were grown.  I know why.  The nursing home I went to talk to the adminastration told me to talk to Medicaid office first.  She is allowed in Virginia to have $2,000.00 in money.  She can write a donation to a caregiver for services renered.   I would get it and split whatever she writes up between the four siblings and she wants the grand children (5) to have some and the 6 greatgrandkids some It's all in a will written up by  a lawyer and I have power of atternoy and executor and my sister in Tx an alternate in case something happens to me first.  I went to a couple of funeral homes just to see what everything would cost for a prearranged funeral which you can do with the money also so the nursing home doesn't get all of it.  As stated she wants to know where you have been what took so long ,etc.  She threw one of her fits and  said I was trying to bury her before she was dead.  I told her it was considered to be good for the family and they don't have all that to do when she dies.  I didn't mention the funeral home to her of course, this was last year just before the 911 incedent I mentioned in my first e-mail.  Today was horrible.  I told her to change her attitude or get someone else.  I told her I was going to a nursing home when i can no longer take care of myself because my 2 kids have a life of their own to live and I won't be a burden.  She says it's a family thing.  Well, it will stop with me.
 

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