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August 25, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have a one year old daughter together. I have been wanting to get married for awhile now. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is a great person and a wonderful father. He just doesn't want to get married. At least not now. He was married before for almost four years and was cheated on. He said at first he wasn't ready to marry again so soon. They have been divorced over two years already. Now his reason is that we get better benefits because I am a single mom. (Financial Aid for college, etc.) Well now we have started taking out loans for college, so that almost seems pointless now. He doesn't even like to talk about getting married. He says that's looking too far into the future. I need to have some hope. I don't want to seem mean and the last thing I want to do is to rush him, but I also don't want to wait forever. I just started back to college and I am only going part-time cause I'm a full time mom. If we wait for me to finish college, that will take years. It's hard cause we have a child together and I feel like if I were to leave I don't have anywhere to go. Should I leave this alone till he's ready or should I ask him about it again. It's been awhile since we have talked about it and I don't know if his thinking has changed. I just don't feel like I get my answers when we do talk about it. I spend more time defending why i want to get married and my reasons are good enough. If anyone could give me advise on how to talk about it or if I should continue to bother. Am I rushing it? Is two years too soon? How can I keep my heart from breaking so much from him not wanting this?   

 
September 9, 2005, 12:34 pm CDT

I have been in a relationship like this...

Quote From: killdoze1

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

   

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

   

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

If you are second guessing yourself, that's not a good sign. If you truly, truly loved this man, you would know it and not think twice. Ask yourself, would you die for this man? I was with this guy and I thought I was all in love with him. He asked me one day if I would die for him and I told him yes. When I ask him if he would die for me, he said no. One minute he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, the next minute he was breaking up with me. I was stupid and kept taking him back. If you have to talk yourself into getting engaged or getting married, then it's probably not a good idea. At least not right now. Tell him to wait on getting engaged if you are not sure this is what you want. Engagement means that you are planning on getting married, and usually soon. So if you are not feeling those types of feelings, I would wait. I have been with my current boyfriend for two years now and we have a one year old daughter together. When I first got pregnant I didn't know if this was going to work. We were together for only 2 months. Well 2 years later we are still together and I love him with all of my heart and I know there isn't another man I would rather be with. I'm 25 years old and I'm ready to settle down and I have found the perfect person. I thought a couple of my ex's were "the one", but I'm so glad I never married before. They weren't into me or I wasn't into them. Give yourself time. Do you feel lonely because you are alone or do you feel lonely cause you are not with Lou? There is a difference.
 
October 6, 2005, 8:36 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: imawakenow

i dont understand why people are so quick to move in, have children, etc BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED. People just dont take it seriously anymore. And then people wonder why they get hurt or are treated like crap.   :::confused::: They have an old saying that goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.
Everyone is different and are entitled to their own opinions. My boyfriend moved in with me because he had no place to go. He was just divorced and was staying with his mom till he got back on his feet. Well, she kicked him out and he had no other place to go. I wasn't going to be cold hearted and say "oh well" "That's not my problem" I am an adult, and I can choose to live with a man before I get married if I want to. We got pregnant and it was unplanned. But we worked through it. We are still together and have a wonderful daughter. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone without living with them first. I would want to see how they live and if we got along living together. I think your comment was very rude and cold hearted for thinking everyone is wrong for living together and "rushing" into everything. You don't know everyone's situation, and therefore shouldn't be so judgemental. That whole saying "why buy the cow...." doesn't work for everyone. It doesn't work in my case here. Next time, think before you speak!!!
 
October 6, 2005, 8:44 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: kindheart1

my name is bridget and i am 17 i'll be turning 18 in January and i'm getting married to the love of my life in march and his mother and father hates me with a passion. I dont understand it because I have been so nice to them and never said anything out of the way to them because I love my fiance and I dont want him in the middle of all this but he is and I dont like that.. They tell him not to marry me because I'm a trouble maker and a liar and that I'm no good..So we dont know what to do...We are not letting them come to our wedding or come to our house or anything because of the way that his parents treats us when we are together.  They are so harsh I'm a very sweet and loving girl and I always give everyong a chance because thats the kind of person that I am. I love my fiance with all my heart and soul but we just dont know what to do about his parents because they even abused him when he was little but he is nothing like his parents at all..He is so loving and caring it's hard to believe that he came from that mess you know.  So my parents are helping us by giving us their old trailer and helping us get started ...We love my parents cause they are willing to help us and approve of our marriage...So Please if you all have any advice or just anything please let me know....Thanks Bridget
I dated a guy for two years and we were planning on getting married. But my problem was that he was a HUGE momma's boy and everything she said, he had to do it and he thought everything she said was true. His sister started saying lies about me like I was going to cheat on him, etc. I was always nice to his family and they would talk behind my back. He never stuck up for me and that is why I ended the relationship. My advise would be to stay away from his parents till they treated the both of you better. You two are adults now, not children. They need to treat you like it or they shouldn't be around you and your man. But I'm not an expert, so I don't know if that is the best advice. Maybe if you stay away, one day they will come around. I wish you two the best.
 
January 1, 2006, 8:38 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: crazy13

So i 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and  living together after 2 months .everything is great except i cant seem to get over the fact that he was married. 

he has nothing to do with her now , but when he talks about us getting married i think it is funny only because he has already planned to spend the rest of his life with someone else i know all of this is silly but i cant get over it, i love him this the only thing keeping me from saying yes. 

thank-you  

I understand how you feel. My bf was married before and I couldn't get over it for the longest time. I always compaired myself to her and was mad that he married he so soon (less than 4 months) and after 2 years and a baby, we are still not married. I felt like I wasn't as good as her, etc. I have gone to counseling and recently started taking antidepressant and that has helped me out a lot. I would suggest going to counseling. It will help. Also, it will get better with time.
 

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