Messages By: dpech66

I am thrilled that Dr. Phil is addressing this topic.  When do we say "okay, this is crossing the line"? 

I hadn't heard about that show, but OH MY GOD I can't believe people would spend that kind of money on a party when there are so many other better uses it could go to (college, a downpayment on a house, etc).   

I too would like to see a show about kids with great values of hard work.  I know many kids like that who haven't had much but have really worked hard to get themselves in the right direction.  I have a neice who had it rough because of her mother (she had to move out of the house at 14) but put herself through college, foster paretented her brother, got married, opened a preschool, and is now happily married with a little boy.  She is a big inspiration to me when I have a challenge to face. 

Fortunately I have three children ages 10, 12, and 17 who value family time above all material items.  They know that we do our best for them, and it's not about the money, it's about time together.    

That's what happened to my husband and I.  We grew up in a neat little Northern California town, but when real estate skyrocketed and our landlord decided to take advantage of the price increase and make some money selling the house we rented, we were squeezed out of the market-and not just to buy a home.  We could no longer afford to just rent a place!  On top of that, because it is a small college town with mostly retired people and students, we were unable to find employment that would allow us to afford living there.  So we moved!  We now live in the Midwest, 2000 miles away, have better jobs, and the cost of living is not only within our price range, but much cheaper than we could have ever hoped for.  We are looking at being able to buy a home in six months.  But that experience in California was valid because it really taught us to live on less and appreciate the finer things in life (you'd be amazed what kind of entertainment you can come up with for little or no money).  My husband and I now have a better and closer relationship than we did before we moved.  We spend alot more time talking (it costs nothing to have a good conversation). 

I am shocked by people like Bridgette and Michael who seem to be so far removed from reality, the way most people live, that if they found themselves flat broke one day they'd have no idea how to dig themselves out. 

I agree with you that Michael is taking a passive attitude towards his wife's spending.  How can he sit there and complain about the credit cards without calling all of them and having them stopped, NOW? 

Alot of the money she's spent on foolish purchases could have made a serious difference in the life of someone affected by, say, Hurricane Katrina.  $25K spent on jewelry could paid for a house in full in some areas of the country. 

I hope this family gets their priorities straightened out, that it's not about the presents they give to themselves and their children, but about the PRESENCE. 

I have a problem that is the opposite of what these people are dealing with. 

My husband and I live with my coworker, and my son and girlfriend recently came to stay with us.   

My main problem is my roommate/coworker.  She is a moocher, even though it's HER house we live in.  I pay her as agreed, every month, on time, and she just takes advantage.  We helped her buy a car, and she didn't even make a single payment before it was repossessed.  She does not contribute to groceries and expects us to feed her on a daily basis.  The utilities have been disconnected several times, and she has had notices about the mortgages not being paid on time.  We have seen several instances of her money going to pay for things that are wasteful (clothes, shoes, eating out).  I have always felt that it was not my business where someone else spends their money, but when I am paying for staying at a place and suddenly have no water/heat/lights/gas, it becomes my concern.  I know what her income is every month and am convinced that she should have more than enough resources to have money for extras plus keep the lights on and contribute to groceries.  I have made several attempts to talk to her *nicely* about putting her priorities in order, getting a budget and sticking to it, and going over with her things we are doing to make progress to get out of her house, but she is extremely defensive and accusatory.   

The problem goes beyond that.  In short she is impossible to live with, but due to our own financial circumstances we are not quite in the position to move (we are about two months from having enough money saved up to rent a place of our own).  She is unable to communicate...she walks around throwing a tantrum and refuses to talk to us and tell us what is bothering her.  It seems that she expects us to read her mind.  At work I often have to listen to her complain often and loudly to *no one* in particular about how bad her life sucks and how she should just go kill herself.  And actually, when she's not letting her attitude get the better of her, she is a really cool person to be around.  But I don' t know how much more I can take!  I am currently working two full time jobs in attempts to get out of the situation faster (which is nice because it's less time at home having to deal with a volatile person).  It's very frustrating.  We do appreciate the fact that she has given us a roof over our heads when it was much needed, but it's causing a severe amount of stress.  My son and his girlfriend are searching for work but they are young and it takes time to find a job.  Finding another place to live is not very easy because our credit is bad because we've been through a series of unfortunate events (some our fault, others not).  Landlords either don't want to bother with us or want such a high amount to allow us to move in that we'll never afford it.  Short of constantly wearing ear plugs so I can tune her out, I don't know what else to do to deal with someone this difficult. 

We have taken alot of advice about finances to heart and are following a budget, getting things caught up, and feel we are doing everything we can on our end.     

I have a humorous and ironic tale about infidelity! 

Years ago when I was married to my first husband he cheated on me.  I had gone to a friend's dinner party and our roommate had a huge party.  I found the evidence (used condom) on the floor next to our bed.  At first he said the guys were just playing around blowing up the condoms (I didn't get close enough to it to examine it), but then when we were lying in bed he told me he had slept with someone in our bed during the party.  I became so livid I made him throw the bed away and buy me a new one.  He told me details about the encounter to try and make me feel better, things in extreme detail about her sexual skills that put her in a very bad light.  So the next day I went in to work and a dozen red roses showed up.  A lady I worked with asked what they were for.  I told her the whole story, going into the extreme detail about the sexual encounter as my husband had told it, how this girl wasn't very skilled and it was the worst sex of his life, etc etc. 

I kept asking him who it was (I really did want to know), but he wouldn't tell me. 

Several months later while we were living in a different place, he told me who it was.  Come to find out it was that coworker of mine who I had spilled the beans to, without realizing that she was the one I was talking about.  I started laughing really really hard.  He asked me what was so funny.  I told him, "Hey, remember the day after that party where you cheated on me?  Well, when I went to work the next day I told S all about the gory details!"  By this time I'm laughing so hard...but my husband was not so amused.  He was completely embarrassed and mortified. 

In short, I got my *revenge* without even realizing it!  

This was the first but not the last time he did this to me.  I'm not sure why people want to be married to someone they are planning on cheating on anyway (stability, I suppose).  If you want to play the field, be single for cripes sake! 

I was reading through alot of the posts and am floored that this many families have this kind of a problem to this much of an extreme! 

My two daughters are good friends four kids from the same family.  Dad has five kids from the first marriage, four of which live full time with him and his second wife (he's 36, she's 26).  They have one child together.  Fact is, I don't know what their secret is (they should write a book!), but these kids ADORE their stepmom.  All of the kids are well adjusted, happy, respectful, and well behaved.  Stepmom (they don't even consider her to be anything other than their secondary mom, and the kids still see their bio mom all the time) has been in their lives since they were very young.  Both parents are strict but balance that with alot of love and understanding.  I think these people should have been on the show to demonstrate the right way to make this work.   I think partly why this works so well for them is that bio and step moms are friends.  Bio mom has said many times that as far as she's concerned stepmom is mom to them because she does an excellent job.  She says this in front of the kids, showing support for stepmom.   

I think it's great that these people have made this situation work so well.  It's not easy to get along with your ex.  But it's best for the kids when the parents put their differences aside and show a united front in raising the children.  It's a shame that more people aren't able to do this! 

I too know what it's like to be just kicked and kicked again and have no time to recover.  I've had alot of "bad luck" in my life.  Sometimes I'm just on autopilot to make it through my day, because if I thought of all the weight of my situation I'd go insane. 

My family just lost our place to live because of my roommate.  I went to every agency I could think of but they are overwhelmed due to still helping people affected by the hurricane.  The shelters are completely full right now.  Lucky for us we found a really cheap motel room, at $700 a month.  I was really worried that we were going to end up sleeping in the park, or worse.  I was just grateful that I had some kind of money to get a room somewhere.  My husband and I aren't too afraid of having to deal with struggles, but I hate having to make my teenagers go through this.  I work two jobs just to come out in the negative every month.  I feel like I'm making reverse progress.  I have great intentions but it's always something unexpected.   

I have extreme anxiety about my situation, afraid that one thing will happen and I will end up losing what little I have left, but I know that if I just let that feeling pass I'll be okay. 

I know the frustration of really just needing a hand up and no one will come to your rescue.  I mean, you're willing to do the work but the opportunity just won't arive!  Just hang in there, okay?