Messages By: kiwiguy

 

 I was in a long term relatioship with a girl,, and fell very much in love.. She has a history of depression,, is quite reserved but in so many ways a wonderful person and when alone we had a really wonderful companionship, on holidays and such. The problem for me was my frustartion most of the other times at what i thought or felt was a complete lack of "we" in the relationship. There were always  ex boyfriends hanging around or her ex husband breing given priority over our relationship, and little or no rythm in our life together. We separated almost two years ago, but were still seeing each other, more so when it suited her. I got pretty fed up with the arrangement and what i saw as her always making excuses and so i dated some one else, more for company as i was often left alone whilst she made her own arrangments with friends that excluded me. To me this seems now to be the pattern of her realationships, and mine with her ,not a lot different to her ex husbands, He left her i understand because of what he perceived to be her low self esteem, depression and social reluctance.

Anyway,, i did tell her pretty well straight away that i was dating some one else to which she replied, oh well thats good, i,m pleased for you i hope you,ll be very happy....Hmmmm.

The following day,, i received a barrage of emotional emails saying how upset she was and what a terrible mistake she,s made and how she wanted to spend her life with me and make plans and was so sorry for the way she had behaved and how much she really loved me..

Ohh geezzz.. well yes  i did somewhat cautiously agree to seeing if we could rebuild and better what we had and i found DR Phils book on relationship rescue and started the work in earnest.....

I do admit i was some what cautious, and that must have been a bit obvious, to her, i,m sure though that it was on both parts as there were several occaisions where i felt less then welcolme in social situations which included her friends..  But i was working  toward and forwards and prepared to tackle whatever came up....

 

What happened next was that,, i found out that she had cought up with an ex boyfriend whilst away for a weekend in Sydney and had said nothing to me about it,, and then much at the same time found out she had joined a dating agency in secret behind my back whilst outwardly rebulding our relationship, or so i thought... Why would it be that someone would do this instead of being up front and saying what was what. I now feel that under no circumstances could i ever trust her again, yet she tells me she still loves me....

Sure it hurt, it hurt a lot. I,m still unsure what to do, and how to regain my sense of self, or even reaproach her...When we met it was at a time in my life , having been divorced and had a couple of relationships, i really felt i,d met some one i loved and could trust and build a great future together.

Any comments and advice on how to move on??

Hi, i,m a guy, and seems like most of the abuse board is directed at guys.I,d agree it does seem to be that men resort to abuse more than women. From my perspective there are many diferent forms of abuse, from physical, to vebal, to action abuse of a relationship. Pesonally, in my last long term realationsip i relalised that i could control my reactions to her actions. I was pretty verbal about her lies and deceit.It did improve for a while. No matter what though, i finnally realised that no matter what i did there was very little i could do to change someone else. It does take a person to look at themselves before anything else, right down to the self knowledge of "who am i being to be in this relationship". Yes i know its difficult, very difficult, and its a never ending process of hard work and self discovery but the results are worth it. My avice,, first you have to stand up for yourself, and be resolute in how you will or wont be treated and make it clear. Your young , have a whole life ahead of you and life should be fun and inspiring.  Second find some support from somewhere, not someone who will listen to your blaming him , but people who will support you in what you want from life. Next, read listen and lean, and dont get trapped in being the victim, its not others that make us a victim,i ts ourselves. The truth i tink about people who abuse, not matter what form the abuse takes, is that they invaiably have low esteem... Seems to me like the answer for you is to get out of this relationsip. How you do that is t find a safe and supportive place, mix with friends that you like and will support you too. Also is there anywhere you can go to find some support, such as a womens group where there is some fun. Whatever, if he ever hits you, get out and never whatever the emotional pull go back, ever.  Remember that tried and true saying often have a good reason for them being tried and true. One that springs to mind is, lepoards dont change their spots, so get someone or some group or arganisation on your side, where yopu can find some positive support.

 

 Been there done that, and i would,nt do it again. In my last long term relationship, the woman ( i would,nt give her the satisfaction of calling her a lady) had what i,d call commitment problems. Not only did they manifest themselves in the relationship, but also throughout her life. Being in a job she did,nt like for years, never letting go of past relationships, and always hedging her bets with other possibilities whilst paying lip service to commitment. personally i feel people who do this, generally have low self esteem and can be very manipulative, always looking for some one somewhere to pander to their needs. She suffered from depression too and years of counselling made not a blind bit of difference. Her parents did much the same behavioural stuff as well , so perhaps a case of monkey see monkey do, When i finnally got fed up with it, and met someone else, she came crying and begging for me to stay and make it work with endless promises, and i love you letters, and please , please give me this chance phone calls. Which, stupidly i did for a while. Only to discover that at the same time she had joined a dating agency in secret, and had caught up with an ex boyfriend whilst on holiday. Sure she did,nt tell lies when she was found out, but thats not the point is it.  Just one of those people that get through life by their "looks", with little else to offer.

Would i ever go back, and would i do the same again in similar circumstances. NO way, i,d tell them whoever it was to hit the road. leopards, dont change their spots in my opinion, so look for past patterns is what i leaned from that. Once a cheat always a cheat. Lack of commitment i think also seems to have spin offs in other areas of these peoples lives as well. NO second chance is where i,d stand. The one lesson i did learn from it, was what did it say about me to be in a relationship with that sort of person in the first place, Always an interesting question to ask.

 

Sounds to me like you need to 'renegotiate" the whole relationship. Cant see, apart from the family, children tie, Why you would want to be in it as it dos,nt sound like a whole lot of fun at all.

 

yes , i realise this discussion is about egos, snobs and whatever, and i have my own opinion on those people. Personally i think its a way of covering up their own personal insecurites and or esteem issues. Its interesting as ive met many many ego driven snobs in my life, and mostly they seem to me to be so concerned with image, they actually miss the joy of what money can actually do for one. It only gives one, choices. Ive been a milionarire in my life, owned yatchs and fast cars, and could still buy them but i can honestly say they give little real pleasure if the only reason one accumalates such things is to impress others. Which i did,nt, so  really did have a lot of fun. Anyway, thats my angle on egos and snobs for what its worth , and i believe it dos,nt have a gender boundary , there are as many female snobs as there are male, thats certainly what i found when i owned the visably outward trappings of wealth. People can be damn shallow was my experience, so when i decieded to live a simpler life, my long term good looking lady opted to fly the coup too, and good ridance.

 

Anyway the purpose of my post really was,nt just about egos and snobs, but rather to ask, if your husband is as you say, and had those tendencies even before you were married? What does it say about you that you married him , and still continue to stay with someone who apears to be such a self centered jerk? It dos,nt sound like a whole lot of fun, and lifes pretty short is,nt it?

 well, you could try harder maybe, try writing a really good attractive on line profile and being specific about what your looking for, why and what your expectaions are. Ive been in online dating , and as a male had no prolem getting dates at all. However, what i did find was that a lot of the profiles of women said so little about themselves, their interests, expectaions, and vision for a future they were just too, insipid, to bother relying too. In that sense, the only reason for replying or sending a message was if they "looked" hot, which is,nt a good judge of anything really.  A good photo, does make a difference too, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder remember so someone out there will think wow.

Actually i met a lady from the states in a online dating site, and weve been chatting and talking on the phone now for over a year. The comunication and fun we have is wonderful and whilst we hav,nt actually met in person there,s a rael commitment to do so and i will be over there within a couple of months for a visit for  ten days, She,s sixty two and i,m 55.

 

So,, dont give up hope, but keep trying !!! and smiling.

 

 

 

At all, i,d be asking some serious questions and be prepared to make a stand bewteen this guy and your daughter. For, the sake of your daughter, its just NOT normal imo, maybe you need to start being more assertive and taking more of a leadership role in your daughters life, all sounds a bit suss to me.

 

 been i a relationship like that myself and i,d never go back. In my case, she made all sorts of promises and such and said how badly she,d behaved so i gave her another chance. Only to find that at the same time she was supossedly so comitted she,d joined a dating agency behind my back and was again catching up with an old boyfriend on a weekend away. Thats the last contact i,d ever want with a person like that. lepards dont change their spots and a sleaze will generally always be a low life sleaze. I,d give her a boot out the door and find somone else with decent values.

 

Well i,m not so sure about suing, but i have come to believe that exposing a person for what they have intentionally done , or rather getting even is,nt such a bad thing.

 

Relating this to myself, because ive been there done that and taken revenge on an ex, it did help to make me feel better and it did help speed up the healing process.

 

The ex saw me as vindictive and frankly i dont care, all i wanted was to cause them the same sort of pain or whatever thay they caused me for their manipulation, deceit, lies and cheating.

 

I think Dr Phil calls it mir or minimal emotional response. I call it karma.