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Amen to you I say.  Tough love is just that, tough love.  Went thru similar problems with our youngest daughter.  She had a loving, two parent home and still was not happy.  She left home at 16 to live with her grandparents after a "professional" told her she should live wherever she felt most comfortable. Granny is a master of enabling and lets her do whatever she wants.  We have a tenuous relationship at best. Now that she is 18 she only comes around when she needs something, usually money.

She went to the $5000/mo theraputic school.  The teachings have kept her clean and sober, so I guess you can call it success. My husband and I have greatly benefitted from the parallel family sessions that they had.  It helped us get over the guilt of feeling like we failed.  We came to realize it is HER series of poor choices that landed her where she is, not ours.  We did the best we could and then some.  I feel for all you parents going thru the same issues.  Hang in there and stay together.

This is a subject that hits especially close to home.  We have a 19 year old daughter who is on a fast track to the big house.  She refuses to get a job, can't stay in school, and lies as easy as she breathes.  She lives in her granny's basement because she knows gran won't throw her out.  She has been thru counseling, therapy, you name it.  She is a smart young woman who will not take responsibility for herself or her actions.  She married a young GI last year.   She met this man online and knew him for all of 2 days before they eloped.  The famiy did not find out about it until after he left for the war.   I really think she is mentally ill.  I am hoping I can learn something from Dr Phil about how to cope with this mess and not go insane myself.  Thanks for listening.