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June 20, 2006, 4:19 pm CDT

Sticks and Stones ... words DO HURT!

I grew up with two sisters and a brother that told everyone things about me all of the time. I was hurt and deeply so. My parents said some very hurtful things to me as I grew up. I moved away the first chance I got and worked for years to find myself. I am not sure I have but I am much happier now than I ever have been or ever would have been around them. Today, I teach communication and I am here to tell you that words DO HURT and trying to forget them is so very hard. Dr. Phil you act like it is so easy to just forget about it. It is not. When your "support" is the one doing the hurting. Even today where I work I have someone who is telling everyone that I am gay, which I am not. For the first year I ignored it, but now that I am volunteering in the community and this is a "redneck" community, I don't want that reputation. I have worked hard to be a part of this community and now this "rumor" is threating what I have worked hard to get past. I cannot help the fact that I have masculine features. I can't assume that anyone is anything, but I am here to say that getting past the hurt from a 'rumor' is the hardest thing to do.
 
October 18, 2008, 9:10 am CDT

Never married and seeing 20 year older man

Reading this segment promo, makes me worry about my relationship. I am 47 he is 67. I have never been married, he has been married twice before. We've gone out once and I am feeling anxious about this. I feel like I am dating out of my league but I don't exactly have men my age beatting down the door for me. On our 'date' he tells me he thougth I was in my 30's. So I am wondering if he asked me out because he thought it would look good on his belt to have a much younger woman or if he really likes me for me. I am not sure what I feel for him. This is the first date I have had in years and I am clueless. My sister asked me how was my date with grandpa, so, i am not sure this is a great idea. - ramona
 
October 24, 2008, 1:05 am CDT

Thanks

Quote From: suem311

Ramona

Be ware-take it slow. Having married at 23 to a 37 year old didn't seem like a problem at the time. Now, at 51 and he's 65 everything has changed. I'm not ready to stop and he is. I want to go out and he doesn't. Sex is over-has been for several years. Medical probably, but he won't go see a doctor. Many more issues than I bargained for.

Susan

Susan,

Thanks for the advice. I am taking it slow. As I have gotten older I have learned to take relationships slow. I am not looking for a marriage, but then I wasn't really looking for a relationship either. This just happened from a friend seeing two people single and what started out as a fun tease about him asking me out and him finally asking me out, to enjoying his company and enjoying laughing with him.

 
October 24, 2008, 1:32 am CDT

Thanks

Quote From: shelly_80

If you truly love him or think you might one day, then don't let someone else talk you out of it just because they make jokes or don't agree with the age gap.  Don't allow that seed of doubt to be placed in your mind. I made that mistake and I can't tell you how miserable I am because of it!  I fell deeply in love with a man twice my age (27 and 56) and when my family found out they made me break up with him.  I told him goodbye in April 2008 and everyday I regret letting my entire family have that control.  I still talk to him occasionally, but I'm so afraid of getting caught.  I live inferior of my family now.

 

I have cerebral palsy and suffered with seizures from 3 to 9 years old.  I was always delayed in anything I did.  I didn't crawl until I about 9 months, I didn't walk until 16 months, I got my license at 18, the legal age is 16.  My parents took me out of public school and home schooled from the 6th-12th grade because I got made fun of alot in the 5th grade.  So, I didn't socialize all that much once that happened.  Now, at 27 I don't have a career/job and I still live with my parents. I've like tons of guys but never had a boyfriend, until this man.  For whatever reason it would humiliate me if my family found out I liked someone.  I know it is because of my medical history and inexperience in the dating scene that my family is so protective.  But there comes a time when they have let you find out who YOU WANT TO BE as an individual, right?  I can't make them understand that.  Anyway, this whole experience has opened my wider than they ever been.  I've decided to put myself out there and start looking for a career so I can make it on my own one day.  I typed up a resume, not a very good one I might add, and I'm going around to all the local Dr. offices.  By my family forcing me to give this man up, it has caused me to really take a closer look at my life and realize the necessary things that need to happen for me to have my own life won't ever happen unless I make them happen.  That's why i'm seeking a career and hopefully a life of my own.  Maybe one of these days our paths will cross again and we'll get a second chance.

Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know if I love him because we have not known each other that long. The thing about getting older is that I don't worry about falling in love any more, I have watched enough relationships and seen that the idea of "falling in love" is just that, a term. For some reason we are attracted to each other. He makes me laugh and it has been a long time since I have met a man that makes me laugh and I mean really laugh. The few times we have been together we laugh and have a great time. I don't worry about what he is doing or who he is doing what with whom. He does not seem to do the same to me. If I get a call from another male friend, he does not get upset and paranoid. So far he seems to really enjoy my company as well. I am taking it one step at a time but I do find myself wanting to rush sometimes so I stop and take a breath then remember, we may be older but there is still time.

 

I am sorry that you were talked out a relationship. Families, sometimes, think they are doing what is best but they don't really have any idea what is going on inside our heads. At some point we have to just tell the family to butt out. We need to make our own mistakes and learn from them. As long as the family is allowed to dictate they will. You need to set some boundaries with them. Meaning, thank them for their love and concern but remind them that you need to experience life as it is and they won't  or may not always be there for you to fall back on so you would like to do some experimenting now while you DO still have them to help pick up the pieces if you fall. When you are over 18 it is always your decision, but you don't want to alienate the family but you will have to if they don't take a step back and allow you some breathing room. You have a disease, so you have to learn how to deal with life with all of its ups and downs and you know that the family means well, but protection sometimes grows to resentment. Talk to your family help them understand that while you appreciate their protection, you do have to do this on your own. If you need them then you will call them, but please allow you to make your own mistakes, who knows they may not be mistakes. I hope you get a second chance with the man of your choice and not your families.

 

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