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I am writing a small message on Dr Phil's message board because I am bored. Does anyone here ever just find it exhausting to live life? I have always been considered a "happy", and "fun" person. I have been married for 2 years. I am a going to school to be a Nurse practioner. I tell myself that I love it, I tell myself that I couldn't be going into a better career and that I love treating patients response to illness. Truly though I want a huge house in the mountains that is covered in fruit trees with a fence that is twelve feet high surrounding it. A pool, a barbeque, a million books to read and a dog by my side to keep me company. I don't like people and their infectious diseases. I actually like infectious disease more then I like people. I have no reason to dislike people except that all I see in them is sadness and the ability to be hurt. I see their ability to hurt others with acts of stupidity or just plain accidents. I think I may be depressed, but I have no functional problems yet. My husband tries to get me to talk to a psychiatrist and he makes appointments for me to see one. On my way to the appoinments I rationalize my self out of the appointment. I see the problems in me and I am scared to change them. I like me but I see the sickness in me. I see the sickness in Americans all around me. I try to tell myself that when I am done with school I will find a country with less sickness but I know there isn't one out there. I tell myself I will be happy making enough money to be comfortable on and helping people with their sicknesses and being "good" and "kind" but it won't happen. I know that good and evil are relative and that I am not a candidate for either one of them. I see my fellow students not relishing in the fact that they will soon be able to help people, but the fact that they will be making a 6 figure income soon. All of my ideals of going to school to be a health care provider have been shot in the conversations with my peers. My mind is sick, and I am tired. Maybe I will finish my degree and become a beach bum. That will make my parents proud!!!! I must sound crazy but I was just trying to define my authentic self so deal with it.