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Messages By: debgirl27

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January 11, 2006, 4:05 pm CST

trying to live healthy

I was dating a man for almost 3 years that never committed to me, we did not communicate. We saw each other strickly on weekends and barely ever talked on the phone during the week. I wrote in a while back and was given the advice that he was a control freak and to leave him because he was never going to change. Well I found my backbone and left him on christmas and have never felt so free. now heres my problem about a week before i broke up with him i met an amazing guy who has swept me off my feet and he is already living with me.I never cheated on my ex nor did i leave him for my new bf but everything happened so fast that sometimes it feels like it could seem that way. I miss him when hes at work and we both have a very real sense of  "soul mates".I have never been a person to throw caution into the wind and jump into anything. I must always analize then over analize then take everyones opinion then usually do the opposite anyways. I just finished self matters and i did every exercise in there as if it was my life on the line. i guess what i'm saying is that i am scared to death of this new me and wonder how long it will last. i have absolutely no feelings left for my previous boyfriend except maybe sympathy. I am wondering if i am moving to fast in this relationship or is it actually possible to know exactly what you want early on and acheive it. I also have my moments where i think "holy man this is like a whirl wind" but it feels greatand i feel happier than i have in my entire life I have had a perma grin since christmas and my cheeks hurt. even faced with all this truth sometimes i am scared that i will just go back to my ex so that i feel comfortable with no real forward movement even though i know that it is the LAST thing on this planet that i want to do. Is this the kind of thing that people go through when they finally start doing for their authentic selves or am i still fooling myself that i really am getting better? Help! 

 
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January 11, 2006, 6:55 pm CST

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Quote From: pdragonfly

i think you need to even re-read what you wrote towards the end... you are scared that you will go back to your ex?????? okay so why would you think that? yes, you definately moved in with this new guy too fast if i really understand that it was THIS christmas as in a few weeks ago... you never know anyone well enough that quick... I would not even want a roommate that quick. I think what you are on is a natural high which is great but honestly what you need is time to be alone. To me it sounds like you need to be in a relationship. Go live by yourself for a change and date this guy without living together so fast. Things feel like a whirl wind and they are. I mean I am sure it is great now but you need to build something meaningful and worthwhile for a long run future (and not a deadend road like your ex)
I have actually been living on my own for the last seven years and my new bf does have a place of his own at this point he just never goes over there any more. I'm sorry if i was misleading about the facts, it isn't living with him that scares me it's these feelings of comfort. Even after these short weeks i am the most comfortable and calm that i have ever been. it's just that i am not anywhere near used to feeling content and thats what bothers me. fear of being happy. i have for the first time in my life allowed myself to be spontanious and just throw myself into my instincts and allow them to tell me if its fast. the whirl wind is that i never believed in soul mates i believed that you got what came to you and it was up to you to fix, pry, force, whatever it takes to make the impossible work. i am now beginning to believe differently. i am 29 years old. Thank you for your opinion i appreiciate you taking the time to answer me.
 
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August 21, 2006, 8:43 am CDT

absolutely unsure

i need some help with my present situation. i have been with my boyfriend 8 months and we live together. we already had our merging period where we fought like banchies for 2 months and weren't sure that we would make it. we both worked really hard to get through it and we succeeded coming out strong and knowing that we are both looking for marriage out of this relationship. We have done pretty much everything together that was done on the boot camp including 3 12hour trips where neither one of us knew how to get from a to b. if i do say so myself we have passed every test with flying colors i even said Dr. Phil would be proud of us. Anyways i only have one problem with him at this point and i need to know if its me or him. he looks at other women which i have explained really hurts me so he tries hard not to do it in front of me then last night im playing on his cell phone and find this video called bare brunettes as i'm watching it its more like a runway show because there is no skin. as im typing this im thinking that this sounds very silly, its not about the action though its about how it makes me feel. i feel soooooo worthless and like he could just trade me off on a better model. like im not enough for himor im ugly and fat cause i always compare myself to them. i dont look anything like the girls he looks at. he never takes time away from me to look at things i guess it must be at work and i dont really suffer attention but it makes me wonder if he really is attracted to me or if hes just using me for something. i am a very jealous person and i feel as though i cant breath when i see him watch other girls and the more i type the more i think this really is just me being overbearring if this is true then please help me with some advice to try to change it i've tried various things and run out of ideas. if not please let me know if you believe that this means he will become a cheater because so far i think he would rather pluck out his eye than cheat he even refuses to go to strip clubs with the guys cause he tells them that he would rather be at home with me. HELP ME please im losing my mind

thank you

 
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August 21, 2006, 10:20 pm CDT

thank you

Quote From: jaimie1974

Dont lose your mind, girl. You are being jealous because of your own insecurity. Your boyfriend isnt comparing you to the other girls, not at all- that video had nothing to do with you or what you look like. Do you think that he is only with you because of what you look like? If you do think that, then your relationship has problems, real problems. But I dont think that is where you are going with this.
There is a saying that goes like this, we create what we fear.. So, think about that quote and apply it to your relationship. Because you are insecure with your own body and your own looks, that makes you think that your boyfriend couldnt possibly ever be happy with you, and therefore, he downloads fashion videos to satisfy his need to look at nicer bodies. You are implying that he is looking at better bodies to find a better woman, and while he is waiting for that better woman, he is just passing the time with you. Now, does that make sense? I dont know you, but from what you describe, that scenario doesnt make sense. Why would he work so hard with you to work out the problems that the two of you went through? He wouldnt have- he would have had the attitude that he can find someone better later, and he would dump you. The best thing that you can do for yourself, for your boyfriend, and for this relationship, is to start becoming secure with yourself. Look in the mirror and notice all that is positive and ignore what you dont like/what you can do nothing about!! its the only way that you will become more confident in your body image. There has to be something about your boyfriend that isnt absolutely perfect, right? But, you accept him the way he is. When he tells you he loves you for who you are, you need to start believing him- today! You both deserve to be happy, dont resist it so much.
i am taking your advice and i want to thank you very much. i realize that this thing in me runs alot deeper than just a jealous personality it comes from a long time ago and one of my pivotal people who had no problem bringing me down. i know that because this runs so deep it will take alot of work for me to get through it, i have made up my mind that this ends today. i did take a look in the mirror but it was a mirror from a long time ago and i am taking responsability for listening to my demons and believing them. i knew as i was reading what i was writing earlier that it was me and i new before i wrote that i was working hard in creating my own reality i just needed someone to tell me flat out because i didnt want to face this stuff alone. i thank you so much for being straight with me and hope that when i run into trouble with this again i can turn here for more good advice. i know from tons of experience that just realizing things doesn't fix it, determination and love for myself are going to take me where i need to be. i am glad that i have here to turn to when i need a friend cause sometimes the world is a lonely place when people try so hard to understand and really never can. Anyways thank you again cause everyone in my life just says poor you, you dont have to put up with that and when they do i feel like screaming because i know its me i just wanted someone to see through my tough guy exterior.
 
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September 8, 2006, 6:20 am CDT

so now what

so i took the advice given to me and i feel alot better because i have realized that just because other women are beautiful that doesn't mean that i'm not again thank you. i don't fell so bad when he looks at other women now and he has been trying not to do it around me so much and deleted the video on his phone which i did not ask him to do or even hint about so here i go thinking that he cares about my feelings, wrong. over the last few days i have noticed that there has been a lot of pornography looked up on my computerand it s always when i'm at work. i have a 13 year old daughter so i keep very close track of what sites are visited. in the beginning of our relationship this was an issue and i told him point blank that i could never be with any one who is really into that stuff. now i know that i am about to tar everyone with the same brush, it has been my experience though. i have known 4 men in my life that were into porn, 2 are child molesters, 1 was a cronic self pleaser shall we say, and one is one of the worst cheaters i've ever met. so needless to say it has left a very bad taste in my mouth. anyways a couple days ago i sat down everyone in the house and aknowledged that there was porn being looked at on the computer and i didn't single anyone out just stated that whoever was doing it better stop i was up front from the beginning and will not accept this into my life i told him that if he was the one doing it and it didn't stop he could pack his bags. when i came home from work last night and he tells me he was looking up porn and i will be mad. i stopped caring about him right there and i dont know what to do i have lost all sexual interest in him and cant even look him in the eye. i dont want to do anything for him and i have lost will to even discuss it. usually im right in your face telling whats wrong cause i want to fix it this time i dont even care if he ever knows whats wrong.

i'm very sorry about the length i didnt know how to shorten in

please reply

 
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September 11, 2006, 6:22 am CDT

dont want to take the easy way out

Quote From: idaisy555

this is not someone who cares about you and how you feel, clearly

get out of this situation ASAP.

better to be alone than woth someone who makes you feel bad.

whenyou arae alone, you can always seek out new friends or new activities you and your daughter might enjoy.

when you are hooked up with someone who disrespects you, you are stuck, can't even seek out new, positive, fun experiences.

best of luck with everything, but i think you shoud leave or get him out of your life as soon as you can. everyone desrves a life as happy as they can make it. living with someone like this doesn't sound like it makes you happy -- get out, if you can.

i know that i may have to leave that is what i am trying not to do because that is what i've always done. when things get rough or to deep or intimate i run. i dont want to do it that way anymore. i am not discarding what you've said, i just dont think it is completely accurate to say that he is not someone who cares how i feel 99.5 percent of the time he does every little thing that i ask. i know that he has some sexual problems, every girl he has been with has encouraged cheating and pornography and the first time that i brought it up to him he was genuinely surprised that anyone would have a problem with porn. i have done a lot of background work on him, i was best friends with his mom for 2 years before we even met so i know pretty much everything about him. if its possible he was more shut down and afraid than i am. i guess what i'm saying is that i know how to leave what i'm asking is how do i stay. most of the time we are very happy we spend a lot of time together and we laugh a lot its just that the second i feel hurt at all i shut down all emotions with him. you see i am n love with him and that is a very hard thing for me to deal with because of my magor fear of intimacy. I know how bad it hurts when someone i just really like hurts me and i can only imagine how bad it would hurt if he did. i wear my shield at all times and it is always ready to wrap around me. i just dont want to turn on the old burners and have running being my first and only option so if there is anyway that i could get some advice on how to help this relationship i would really apprieciate it. i'm almost thirty and i think its probly time that i grow up and start taking a relationship seriously for once cause it certainly isnt doing my daughter any good to see me with a new man every 3-4 months i want her to believe that there are relationships out there that work and show her that sometimes work is exactly what it takes.
 
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October 11, 2006, 8:00 am CDT

Ready for Marriage?

i don't think that it is possible to find a man or woman who is 100% perfect in every way right from the very fist meeting. i believe that every relationship will have its down times where stress or frustration is high whether imaginary or fact. i also believe what is the most important is that when things come up as they will no matter who you are with, the ability to sit and communicate is a rare trait and one that is absolutely necessary. when i say communicate i dont mean scream out your feelings and make yourself heard above all else to me it is the ability for both partners to first face the issue with the attitude that it can be fixed then to listen to each other and try to understand the others point of view. in my opinion communicating has less to do with talking and more to do with listening. i was on the message boards a bit ago with a problem about my boyfriend and porn i asked that someone give me some advice on how to stay instead of always giving up and as i never recieved any feed back i had to figure it out myself. well what happened was we talked.....and talked and talked some more we talked for hours until everything was said and we both understood where the other person was coming from in the end he asked for my help and if he could phone me at work if he was tempted. i said of course i accept that i am not the only person on this planet who has problems and would need very much for him to not give up on me when i was doing something that i was having a hard time changing. in the end i did not hear a bunch of empty promises and appoligies what i heard was " i can't promise you that i will never mess up again but i can promise you that i will try my hardest" that to me sounds more honest and hopeful than i swear i'll never do it again because to me that line just means i'll say anything to get you off my back. anyways the point is this weekend he asked me to marry him and i said yes. he has asked me many times in the past and i always found a way to avoid it. i said yes because there will always be problems in any relationship i dont measure the strength by the problems that come up, i measure strength by each persons resolve and attention that they put into fixing it. i belieive that a relationship that has had a million problems and have fixed them is a thousand times stronger than one that has never had a problem. i'm not saying that men or women should stay through everything, i do believe that if you are handed two people who are determined to make it work ( not just stay) actually WORK at it that anything is possible. i am almost 30 and have never been married, i have turned down 4 guys in my life and have always said that until i find exactly what i'm looking for i will never even whisper the thought of marriage the funny thing is i had no idea what i was looking for until it happened. thank you for listening and i hope that this will help some one out there who is confused because not everyone can have perfection right off the hop.
 
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October 13, 2006, 8:21 am CDT

raineeqal

hi i thank you for your opinion and am sorry to hear about your daughter it must be a horrific situation for you to be in as my own brother and sister in law are also hooked on crystal meth i can partially understand what you are going through. Even so it would be a lot harder with your own child. i believe that it is a very far reach, though, to compare my fiance with a meth addict as i have watched the lives of these addicts and their children melt around them. for 1 thing he is not looking at porn 24/7 nor needs it to survive. i can see a little resemblance. so my question to you is this. do you believe that it is possible for a loving gentle giving person to be hurt enough that they shut down conscience, trust in self, and empathy? and if so do you also believe that it is possible for this same person to melt and thaw with love, understanding, guidance, and respect? you see the man in this situation had shut down due to situations that he has been in and has started admitting feelings of guilt when he does these things. we talked last night and he asked me what i have been doing to him because the last time he looked at porn (which i know about and was before he said he would try) he could only look for a moment then started feeling pangs of guilt which he didn't understand. i explained that he was beginning to feel compassion and care about my feelings. now when a man is shown and taught in every male female relationship that porn is not only accepted but welcomed does it not stand to reason that he over the span of 10 years (entire dating life) would begin to believe that it is ok to briong this into a relationship. You do what your used to until you get used to something better. i am living proof that people can change when they are loved. i was one of the worst cheaters i knew through every relationship i had i havent cheated on him once nor do i even want to. in my eyes promises are made to be broken so i dont promise and would prefer if other people would not promise me. if he didnt mean it when he said he would try then i would be gone but as i am see remarkable effort and changes in him i think that it would be considerably unfair both to him and myself if i didnt do some trying myself. i refuse to give up on him as long as i am seeing progress. i am sure that even though you know for a fact that your daughter is a lost cause you continue to love her and try to get her help. As i said though the abundant difference between someone who is hooked on meth and some one who has never learned the right way to act in a relationship is just such a huge leap.  i have some psychology experience and am trying to help him through this. if i gave up on him now that he is making progress i believe that it would probably be the worst mistake that i could make in this relationship. when a person asks for help as he did it shows that he is willing to try he is not making excuses for his behavior nor is he saying that its okay when he backslides, this does not have a death grip on him so we have time to get it right. i am very interested in hearing your comments and more about your daughter because i dont even know where to begin with my addicted family members and as horrible as it sounds i am glad that i have heard from you because i dont know anyone personally that i can talk to about it.
 
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October 14, 2006, 11:16 pm CDT

bluelily

Quote From: bluelily87

I just wanted to comment on what you had said about someone not being perfect.... I agree... Perfection is a myth. No one can be perfect, but everyone can try to be the best person possible. I hope all goes well for you, and that you and your guy can work through all this. I am sure it must be difficult for the both of you. Now also, even though no one is perfect, I believe someone can be perfect for you. My guy was. Him and i got along so well, and I miss him very much. I never had believed in soul mates until I met him, and now that he's passed, I don't know what I believe.

I think that as long as he keeps trying and you keep supporting him, your man can get through this and you guys can be happy!!! Good luck and take care!!!
i thank you for your comments, it is nice to hear from you and i am very sorry to hear about your man. i also never believed in soul mates and until i met my man things in my life were nothing short of mysery pretty much from birth nothing has ever felt right in me or in my life. since finding him everything just seems to slide into place not just him but jobs, opportunities, timing, even the smallest things. its really weird. when i finally agreed to marry him i felt on top of the world like i had finally made the right decision for once in my life. now i have told some people and every one has such a negative attitude about marriage that it is beginning to scare me. it seems to me that people i have talked to think that if it isnt perfect it isnt worth working for. i dont know i guess im really confused right now. i was so excited at the thought of marrying him then a friend said to me "its nice to see that some one still believes in marriage these days" and i realized that she was right cause whether they come right out and say it or not people i have talked to seem to think that they got an unfair shake in life if they have to do any work in their relationships. like everything is supposed to be rosy right from day one til the end and i think they are living in a dream world or not seeing problems that are really there.denial is a wonderful tool for not having to raise a finger, is how i see it. so in the end i ask am i wrong to marry someone who isnt exactly perfect will it truely end in disaster as these dreamers seem to think i guess no body knows for sure. committment has never been my strong suit anyways. i just want to be happy. i dont care if im right.
 
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October 14, 2006, 11:38 pm CDT

mellymel32

Quote From: mellymel32

I am newly engaged and 20 years old. I love my fiance more than anything. I know that he is the one without a doubt. The thing that is so hard is that he lived 1- hours away. Our entire friendship and relationship has been long distant and I think it is finally just wearing us down. I don't know what to do. Obviously, we are going to stay together, but I don't know how to make this any easier. I miss him so much and I would give anything to just be able to see him more than a few days every other month. I can't move right now and he really is in no position to do so either, so we are stuck at the moment. We are both so emotionally drained and we can't keep going on like this. If we could, we would get married tomorrow, but we are trying to do the right now. Get through school, get our degrees so atleast we won't have as much of a financial burden when we get married. 22 months just seems so far away. I deffinately understand when people say they are going through some hard times, but if you know it is worth it, you make it work. Trust me, I'm doing the same thing.
it was kind of a shock to me to read this because it sounds exactly like what i went through for 3 years. i really can empathize with you. i was not strong enough to hold out until he was willing to make the committment to me. i saw him every weekend for 3 years and like you we lived 1 hr away from each other. i was not in love with him which i didnt know at the time, neither one of us was willing to truely commit to the other because if we were we would have. we both found excuses to not move forward in our relationship. every time the possibility of moving closer to each other came up one or the other of us would find a reason (excuse) that it was impossible. one day i began to need a commitment and he was not willing to give it to me. i asked for it and he was comfortable in the nowhere relationship that we had so i left and found some one who was wanting the same thing as i was. i wish you the very best of luck with this and i ask you to take a good look at your part in the lack of commitment here and see if maybe at this point( even though you dont like the seperation ) if maybe there is something more than meets the eye on your side of it. i hope you the best my dear and if you want something just go for it only you can tell you what is right for you.
 

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