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Messages By: debgirl27
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November 19, 2008, 5:28 am PST
 Quote From: lifeisajourney I dont know if I have any words of wisdom for you but I do know what you are going through. My ex husband was an abuser so we got divorced. After that I had a relationship with a man who I thought was nice and an okay guy like your husband. Well; sometimes it was good but he was also the push and p ull type. Very emotionally detached and at times I felt like all he gave me were crumbs of himself. I kept hanging in there holding on to the good times and thinking it was okay. For awhile also this guy kept in touch with his exwife and had cyber sex with her and an emotional affair since she lived overseas. We at that time had a long distance relationship so he made a selfish choice to write to her for one half years. When I tried to live with him he was always turned off emotionally and whenever I tried to talk to him he sat there like a slug. I couldnt take it anymore so I left him and broke up. What I have learned about these types is that they cannot have real relationships and when the real live person goes away they say and do anything to get us back. The push and pull thing. But when we give them ourselves and give them love they cant handle it and they back off and emotionally detach big time. I have also found out that when I broke up with my ex boyfriend he begged his exwife to be with him since he needed just a body and money. I know for sure now that my ex can never have real relationships not matter what. I was lucky and was able to get out since my gut also told me to never marry him or stay with him. All I can suggest is trying to work and save money or go and stay with family or you can take another room in your house and live your own life until you can get out. There m ight be some womens groups in your area that you can attend for support and to get your power back and your self esteem. You need help from outside sources in dealing with your hubby. This is def. classic emotional abuse on his part. If you need to go and talk to the womens abuse center cause his threat about rape is illegal and you dont want that to become the reality. Maybe you can talk to a woman about that in the police department. i dont take threats lightly since I was married to my husband who was abusive and he constantly threatened me and the authorities told me its better to be safe than sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you thank you for the support and it feels so good to know that I am not the only one who has dealt with this (not that I would ever wish this on anyone). I am happy to hear that you got out, it may sound funny but it gives me hope. I did speak to the sexual assult centre in town and so many others ,everyone agrees that I need to get out ASAP. My biggest regret is not listening or being able to hear what people where telling me on here before I got too involved.
I used to be the kind of person that thought they could handle anything and do it myself (I knew best) but if I take a look at where that got me I realize that it was far from the truth. I no longer make excuses for him or myself and I feel very clear about the fact that if i was with someone decent I wouldnt have to make excuses because he would not treat me like this in the first place.
I don't know where my life will lead or what will happen but I do know that from this point on I need to be in control of whatever it will be. It is very hard though as I said to live here knowing that I have no way out at the moment but I do have a plan and strategies that I am working towards. It may sound funny but I kind of hope he finds someone sooner rather than later to focus on because then it is off me. I feel like I am living in fear whenever he is around. I dont think he will get physical but am ready for anything. Life is what we make of it I guess and it is time for me to show up for mine.
I found out last night that the last week and a half that he has been trying to make me feel guilty and bad for him, he has been calling some phone sex line every night. So in a way this is good news because it also helps me. It is kind of wierd that the very things that used to hurt me so bad have actually turned around in my favor to make me stronger.
Again I want to thank you for your words and support it is greatly appriciated and has helped a lot. At least I don't feel so alone and that really helps me in building my strength back. |
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February 23, 2009, 9:52 am PST
Quote From: lifeisajourney After reading this post you wrote I am convinced your hubby is an all around abuser. You are doing the right thing with what you are doing. What I have found out about myself is i am a big time co-dependent. Not saying you are but maybe you want to look into that. You sound so smart and by your post you say you are young. Dont waste your precious life on this drama. I know you wont and when the time is right you will have a good life. What I forgot to tell you is that when I left my first abuser I wound up with another emotional abuser. So I dont want to repeat that pattern so I have to learn how not too.So when you leave be careful you dont wind up with another bad relationship. Any abuse is wrong and there are many predators out there who seek out loving; caring; wonderful women such as ourselves. Its so very classic but its like they know we are coming and believe we will always be around. (NOT). On another note when you say you hope he gets another woman. I totally get that too. Let me explain. When my ex-husband and I were getting divorced I prayed that he would get a gfriend cause it let me off the hook. It stung for a while but then It was great. He focused on her and she became the next victim. I was free and he didnt bother me anymore. its funny cause now after five years of being away from him we sometimes talk and he still has the same gfriend which I am glad about. i hope he never gets rid of her and visa versa cause he would then think I was available. Oh; and I was also glad that my exboyfriend got back with his exwife cause it lets the pressure off of me. my ex boyfriend was a con artist to some extent and was looking to me to save him. No Thanks So yes; what hurts will make you stronger. Its hard to see now but in the long run the best revenge is living well. I am living a nice life now free of all of the drama and all of these energy sucking self centered selfish people will get their due. Do you believe in Karma? Oh; by the way my exhusband's relationship with is gfriend is not good. His Karma . My exboyfriends life with his exwife I know for sure will bite him in the butt. Again.Karma Keep posting. I love helping out. with a Hug I just wanted to let you know that I moved out. I didn't wait for financial help. Thank God for my wonderful friend. She let me move onto her couch until things came together with student loans. Following my gut instinct was the best thing I ever could have done. I am 100% guilt free and man free. I live my life now knowing my worth and my abilities. I am not in another relationship although I have finally figured out how to casually date. I am not interested in anyone who sends up even one red flag. I believe that I have gone from one extreme to the other which is quite fine by me. I love me and spending time with me. I enjoy having the whole bed to myself and watching whatever I like on tv. I, for the first time in my life, am putting myself first. Over the last couple of months my favorite part i think has been getting to know me. I no longer picture who I am through the eyes of others judgements, quite the contray, I am me, this is it, and I am spectacular and personally I don't really care if nobody else sees it. I just love being me.
My ex while "trying to get me back" (haha) told me that my standards are way to high and no man will ever treat me as good as I want to be treated so I might as well just come back to him (wow incredible logic there lol) my response to this was then I guess I will be single forever because if that is the best I can do I don't want anything!!! It really amazes me the things poeple will do to try to be lazy and just be given what they want. I will never go back nor will I ever be lonely enough alone that i will ever need someone that treats me less than the greatest thing that walks the planet. Now I do see where I've gone to the other extreme of the spectrum but I must say that I like it far better on this side of the fence than the other.
I have taken great pains to make sure that I am not blocking myself out of the world or becoming unemotional because I like who I am I am just way more careful now where I lay my emotions down. The funny thing is it didn't hurt to leave. I have expected to feel sadness or loss or anything really for that matter but when it comes to him it actually ended up being one of the easiest moves I've ever made. I have done more for myself in the last couple of months than I have in the entire span of my life and it feels good to be important.
So I want to say thank you so much for the support and the advice. I know I am about to enjoy the best years of my life and I am excited to see what each day holds because you only get one go around and if you spend it miserable then, you will be miserable. There is no excuse good enough if life to be unhappy and that is the choice I makde for me. A good friend of mine recently said "happy people aren't depressed" and this may sound very simplistic, although the fact is it takes people a good majority of their lives to figure it out. |
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