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Messages By: jb7ctx

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October 22, 2005, 7:00 am PDT

Hi Zack

Quote From: flashd44

 Oh no, I am in my early 20's! Graduated from university and preparing for graduate study, hopefully research, in international security environment and the role of NSA's in global politics.

Yes I have had gf's before, but its been awhile. Maybe 18 odd months. I know these thoughts are wrong, but lately I've had a bucketload of these incorrect thoughts, and want to "stop them", but "cant".

Zack
x

Ok, now that I know you are in your early 20's and you are not a young teen (which is what I first thought), it changes things. Maybe you do need another girlfriend or a companion. How old is your sister? Is she young or older? Have you considered any counseling for yourself? It is good that you have these goals for yourself as far as research and international security and etc...Stay focused on that. Only you can stop these thoughts you are having. You know they are not normal especially at your age. You say in a previous post you have never acted out on these thoughts, however, are you afraid that you might? Do you still live at home? Does your sister live with you? If you live at home, maybe you might need to start looking for another place to live so you can get away from these thoughts you are having about your sister.Does anyone in your family know you are having these thoghts about her? Does she know? I would seek counseling Zack, you have alot going for you and you dont need to mess it up due to these incorrect thoughts. Get away from the situation you are putting yourself in. Just trying to help you Zack.
 
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October 23, 2005, 11:00 am PDT

Heres a few ways

Quote From: flashd44

 Thanks for the reply.

She's in her mid 20's, a few years older then myself.

I am unlikely to try anything. I am not a freak, I know whats wrong...and actually have quite a strong moral fibre running thru my body.

Yes we live in the same house. Perhaps I do need a gf, question is how to find one.


How to find a girlfriend...Go to church and socialize and maybe meet a nice young lady there, or go to a grocery store, (no telling who you run into there) and start up a conversation with someone you may find attractive or nice, or go to a fitness place like a workout gym and sign up for some classes there. You will meet all kinds of girls there. Even at your own college you are attending, I am sure you will find someone there to date. Dont be shy, just walk right up to them and start a conversation about the weather or a movie or a cooking recipe. Try some of these. It will put your mind on other things once you meet someone else. Good luck Zack! When you least expect it, the right girl will come along.
 
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October 24, 2005, 6:01 am PDT

it's her loss

Quote From: joaniebabe

Iv been with my partner for 7 years,just resently we have been having problems. His mother doesnt have anything to do with our three year old daughter she say is because our relationship is so rocky and she is worryed i will leave and take our daughter and she wont be able to see her ive told her its not the case and i would never stop her from seeing her granddaughter but she keeps pushing her away and has more to fo with my partners sisters child than she does her first grandchild and this is really upseting me and i dont know what to do. Ive asked my partner to talk to his mother about it but he just doesnt seem to care. Has anyone got any suggestions on how i can get  my mother inlaw to have more to with my daughter?
Your mil is just making excuses for her "own" behavior by not having anything to do with her grandchild. You cant force her to see her but I would leave the door open for when she gets ready. I know exactly how you feel. My mil has had nothing to do with her grandchildren that we have and it has been nearly 2 years since she even had a visit with them and we live walking distance away. No b-days, no phone calls no nothing. She has everything to do with my husbands first child by a ex girlfriend and her excuse to us is "well, your kids have their parents together and he dont". "I feel sorry for him" AND " we go directly by a schedule and we dont have time to come see them". BUT they see the other child every other weekend and he is in another county. Dont allow any excuses from her, she is being selfish in her own way and it is her loss not yours or your childs. With the way my mil acts towards our kids, we prefer her to stay out of the picture mainly because she cant treat them fair and she shows no feelings towards our kids. It is a shame they have to act like that and be that way towards a child.
 
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October 24, 2005, 6:01 am PDT

it's her loss

Quote From: joaniebabe

Iv been with my partner for 7 years,just resently we have been having problems. His mother doesnt have anything to do with our three year old daughter she say is because our relationship is so rocky and she is worryed i will leave and take our daughter and she wont be able to see her ive told her its not the case and i would never stop her from seeing her granddaughter but she keeps pushing her away and has more to fo with my partners sisters child than she does her first grandchild and this is really upseting me and i dont know what to do. Ive asked my partner to talk to his mother about it but he just doesnt seem to care. Has anyone got any suggestions on how i can get  my mother inlaw to have more to with my daughter?
Your mil is just making excuses for her "own" behavior by not having anything to do with her grandchild. You cant force her to see her but I would leave the door open for when she gets ready. I know exactly how you feel. My mil has had nothing to do with her grandchildren that we have and it has been nearly 2 years since she even had a visit with them and we live walking distance away. No b-days, no phone calls no nothing. She has everything to do with my husbands first child by a ex girlfriend and her excuse to us is "well, your kids have their parents together and he dont". "I feel sorry for him" AND " we go directly by a schedule and we dont have time to come see them". BUT they see the other child every other weekend and he is in another county. Dont allow any excuses from her, she is being selfish in her own way and it is her loss not yours or your childs. With the way my mil acts towards our kids, we prefer her to stay out of the picture mainly because she cant treat them fair and she shows no feelings towards our kids. It is a shame they have to act like that and be that way towards a child.
 
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October 24, 2005, 6:22 am PDT

Get the fathers involved

Quote From: lklaughlin

   
October 23, 2005, 9:12 pm PDT Help for nieces and nephews
I could really use some advice if anyone out there is willing to share! I am a single/divorced aunt with no children to a 15-year-old nephew, 12-year-old niece, and 5-year-old nephew. All are good-hearted kids, and all three have separate fathers. My 36-year-old sister has moved in with many men over the years because she dislikes living alone, and all have, of course, failed.  The kids have witnessed all the problems between their mother and whatever man was there and have stuck together as best they can with the help of my parents who have cared for them most of their lives.  They have bounced back and forth between my folks' home and my sister's home. She has once again moved in with a man who has five children of his own. They all live in Arizona with their mother, and there is contact between his kids and hers about every other month. All seem to get along, but the problem is my sister. When my folks care for the three of them, they all confirm that my sister spends little if no time at all with them, stays in her room and only comes out to cook for her boyfriend while the kids cook and take care of themselves. My parents have confronted her on this, and her response was to keep the kids away from our entire family. She becomes angry with the kids, telling them to keep their mouths shut or they'll never see their grandma and grandpa. She is verbally abusing them, and the 15-year-old is very much aware of what his mother is like, even going so far as inputting her cell phone ID as "I hate her" onto his phone. He does not bring it  up, but when asked about it, he simply says,"I hate her. She never takes care of us, and she cares only for herself and her boyfriend." If any of us were to confront her on this, she would know the kids were talking about it and take it out on them.Each of the three have confirmed the same actions, and none of the three have told their fathers. The fathers see the kids on regular visitations and basically are decent people, regardless of their relationship with my sister. The kids know if they were to speak to their respective fathers, the same thing would happen, they would be "in trouble" for opening their mouths. My older sister, my mother, my father, and my older brother and I want what is best for these kids, but we are unsure how to proceed. We have tried to intervene, but the result always ends up putting the kids in a worse position than they are already in. They are not starving, without clothing or material things, but are emotionally battered.  Please, any advice for us?
That is sad. I would get the fathers involved and let them know exactly what is going on. Why should these kids suffer any longer ? The fathers should take her to court and get full custody and give her visitation on the weekends only. Mabey then, she will enjoy them and treat them like she should. Those chldren have got to be miserable and only YOU can share their "voice" to their fathers so he can help them have a healthier life. I know this woman probably loves her children, but it sounds like right now she doesnt have the time for them due to "relationships" with men. If nothing else, why dont you or your parents try to get the kids to live with you so that they can all be together. Maybe do a "temporary guardianship" or something until this woman gets stable. The 15 y/o and the 12 y/o have been through enough, but the 5 y/o I think, will suffer more if nothing is done. Just my opinion and I hope this helps. I have a neice who is just like this woman. She puts herself first before her kids and now she might be fixing to lose them to cps.
 
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October 24, 2005, 6:45 am PDT

inlaws

Quote From: yvette01

I saw this thread "Toxic family relationships" and knew it was where I needed to post for advice on this particular issue. I feel torn as to the right course of action in this case. My mother-in-law is.... well unhinged. I have never in my life met someone so disfunctional. My husband and I had issues with her when we first got engagedin 1999. We took the action of ignoring her and got married anyway. She seemed to soon come to terms with this, apologised and was reasonably civil and attentive and if not excessive so. That was until we had our first child in March this year. Whilst visiting us shortly after her birth my mother-in-law came to a new level of repugnance. As there was no obvious trigger I can't say how it suddenly came about but she declared in the most vile way to her son, my husband, that she did not love him, did not even like him. My husband did me very proud and remained cool and calm and simply said if that be the case she should leave. This of course was not what she had wanted - I believe she had done this to try and get my husband to suck up in some way. So a new onslaught ensued from her to which I will not go into detail but to say it would have been the closest thing to a human spewing toxic waste from their mouths with every viporus word. We cut all ties with his mother for two months until his dad asked us to come and try and sort things out. We did not trust her but thought that we would at least hear her out. Wisdom dictacted that when the first thing she said was "do you just want me to say sorry and get it over and done with or do you want to talk this out" it was a hopeless cause and we should have left straight away but we didn't. We stayed to listen to what she said. I had expected her to manipulate but had not been ready for how exceptionally tallented she was in this area and found myself halfway through the manipulation before realising it. Of course once it was realised we left immediately and have had nothing to do with her since. The sad thing about this story is that we have no grudge with my husbands father, who through years of living with this women has had his spirit crushed and constantly settles for a cheap peace. However, we can't have anything to do with him without her involved as well. It is my "unproffessional" opinion that she has narcissistic personality disorder and is not to be trusted or have the character not to Chernobyl in front of or manipulate our daughter. Despite this it rubs raw to deprive our daughter of her grandparents, especially when one merely suffers a lack of backbone. I do not know however how to get this women to maintain the boundries of respect even when given very limited access to our family. There seems to be no right answer, each case has pros and cons, some more destructive then others. I do not have peace about the decision to cut ties, but nor do I believe I would find it if I had chosen the reverse. Based upon this very limited account of her (as there is far more that could be said of other things she has done) what would be your advice?
WOW! Your mil sounds like mine! and so does the fil. My husbands mother is against him and has said hateful things to him as well and has nothing to do with our children. (going on 2 years now). You and your husband have YOUR own family now. If she (mil) cant respect your boundaries, then keep the  distance. It would be better for you, your husband and your child. My husbands father is just like your fil. He did nothing wrong and he knows he can visit us but wont because we wont allow our mil the time of day anymore to manipulate us or try to control us or use our kids to her advantage. If fil had a backbone to stand up to her he could be a part of our lives, but he dont so therefore that is HIS choice too. MY mil finally realized (thanks to my husband), that she is NOT in control of OUR family. Since he put her in her place she decided to get back at us by ignoring her grandchildren. NO b-days, no calls, no visits, no nothing. When WE realized what SHE was doing, WE cut her out completely! She had tried to destroy our relationship from the get go. She can be mad at us and ignore us, but when she started doing it to the kids, it was best for our children NOT to be around people like her. If you want to have a healthy marriage and loving family, then weigh the pro's and con's. Our counselor advised us to stay away from her because she is toxic to our family and  our marriage.  My mil has done ALOT of hateful things to all of us. Concentrate on your family and what is best for you guys. You cant change her and her ways, and if you cant accept her ways, then I would stay away for the sake of your family. I would let the fil know that he can be a part of your lives, and that is his choice to make, however if mil cant "change" herself, then she cant. WE have been there going on 7 years. These last 2 years of being ignored by this woman has been the most WONDERFUL, PEACEFUL 2 years in our lives! My husband will tell you the same thing. Good luck!
 
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October 26, 2005, 6:23 am PDT

The doctors appointment

I took my 3 kids to get a flu shot at the Doctors office. I have a 4 y/o, 5y/o and a 16 y/o. Everytime we go to see the Doctor, my 4 y/o acts like she is sick and has a "fake" cough and all the nurses baby her and give her attention. She (4 y/o) knows this so she does it purposely. My 5 y/o got on the table to get his flu shot. All of a sudden the 4 y/o says: "I'm not sick anymore, I am better".When the nurse told the 4 y/o it was her turn, she took off running and headed for the door screaming : "I WILL GET ONE TOMMORROW, I AM BETTER". We got her and had to wrestle with her to get her jacket off and she hung onto it tight. We fianlly got her jacket off and I had to sit with her on the table to hold her still while she is still screaming :"I HATE SHOTS, I DONT WANT ONE, I WILL GET IT TOMMORROW, I AM BETTER"! The nurse told her she was going to spray something on her arm so she wont feel the shot. Then she told her " lets count to 3 together and it will all be over". My daughter said "O.K." So the nurse said one, my daughter said one (in a very scared voice) then the nurse gave her her shot and said OK we are all done. My daughter looked at me and then at the nurse and screamed: " BUT I DIDNT GET TO COUNT TO THREE!!!"  It was so funny. My daughters face had to look of pure horror on it when she realized she had to get a shot, but what made it even funnier was when she got mad because she didnt get to count to 3.
 
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October 28, 2005, 9:14 am PDT

Hi

Quote From: schaefer26

My husband and I have been married for 7 years.  About 3 years ago he starting using Crystal Meth.  We seperated for a few months about 2 years ago and he might have gotten another woman pregnant (no DNA test have been done).  There is no contact between them now, however I had him arrested and he spent about 3 months in jail.  I filed for divorce because I didn't think he would change.  However while he was in jail he called and appologized for everything that happend and he wanted to work on our marriage.  So I took him back.  He was given probabtion for 2 years.  About 2 months ago he was arrested on a probabtion violation and was sentenced to a year and half in prison.  We have 2 children together one is 6 and the other is 2.  My oldest knows what is going on and that he won't be home for a while.  My little one just asks for him.  He says now that he has learned his lesson and that he only wants his family and nothing else.  I am a stay at home mom and don't make much money.  We are in debt up to our eyeballs and I am having problems with bills.  Is leaving him a better choice and if so how do I let him go as I do love him and he is a very good man when he is not under the influence
I just lost my bil of 21 years to crystal meth. The drug drastically changes people for the worse. My sister went through hell why he was on that (with his attitude) and went through hell when she found him dead. (murdered) by some "aquaintances" he ran with. You would probably be better off without him, unless he gets drug trreatment. If the other child is his, one day the ex will be back in the picture wanting to collect child support. I would make him prove himself to you before you take him back. The ball is your court. If you take him back and he continues to use the crystal meth, I would get rid of him for good. Good luck!
 
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October 30, 2005, 9:43 am PST

Its what you 2 think

Quote From: rcmartin

My husband and I have been married for 8 months and we have a five month old son. I did get pregnant while we were dating and we decided to move in together to see if we could really be in a serious relationship. Everything was going good for us, yes we had our fights, but who doesn't. I never really had a problem with his parents until after we had our son. Now out of the blue, they are asking him to do a paternity test on our son to make sure that he is my husband's child. That of course angered me to pieces and I could not believe that they would say such an absurd thing. I mean they might as well of called me a slut. I know deep down inside my heart that my son is his, but because of their (in-laws) suspicions they wont have anything to do with our son. My parents tell me that I should get a paternity test and prove it to them once and for all and my husband says not to worry about it cause he knows in his heart that our son is his. I know that as long as my husband knows the truth that that should be ok, but I have to live with this uncomfortableness because my in-laws have doubts. My question is... should I just go ahead and get a paternity test or should I listen to my husband and let it go??? Please help!
If you and your husband know that this child is his, then the heck with what the inlaws think. If you have only been with your husband during the time you conceived then there is nothing to prove. If they choose to NOT get involved with their grandchild, then dont get involved with them. Even if you did get a test to prove it, you would still be treated and looked at differently by them. It is none of their bussiness how you two decide to live your lives with the beliefs you have. Listen to your husband. Sounds like they are trying to put doubts in your husbands head. YOu have nothing to prove to them, only unless your hubby decides to have it done. But, why put a child through all of that, if you two guys know the truth?
 
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November 1, 2005, 6:27 am PST

Kids that bully

Reading these post on here are so sad. Kids dont go to school to be bullied, they go to learn. We are putting our son in Martial Arts for this main purpose. NOT for him to be a bully, but for him to stand up to one if it ever happened. Most, if not all schools have a policy about kids being a bully. If the school principal cannot stop the behavior then I would suggest taking the bullies parents to court. It is harrassment! It is assault! It is domestic violence!  

  

To the mother who said her son was put in a 5 by 9 room for detention: I would definately talk to the school board about this! If a parent were to punish their child by confining him/her to such a small room for the whole day, cps would be called on them. I would never let any school do that to one of my kids and get away with it! I can see a child having to sit in time out but NOT in a small space like that all day. My dog pen is bigger than that.  

  

I would also suggest to every parent to KNOW your rights and your childs rights. Read the school policies and use them to your advantage. If the schools dont fix anything for you because of these bullies, then go to the Board of Education and tell them what is going on. 

 

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