Messages By: syllin

BY ALL MEANS, CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF s**t  I CONSUME ON A DAILY BASIS, MY THOUGHTS jump all over the place. I have been on wc for 3 yrs because my precious company that i worked for for 27 yrs, REFUSED TO ACCOMMODATE MY RESTRICTIONS, AND PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO TELL ME THAT THEY COULD NOT ACCOMMODATE ME, for before i took off , there were 2 ladies who were on crutches which they accommodated, by accommodations i mean they appear to work and travel from break room to break room all nite long k? They are never put on the line to do a normal job until they are completely or the company doctor says that they can go back to normal duty. I only had my right arm in a cast for 8 weeks,(but i would not have returned until the cast was off) but had they accommodated me when the company Dr released me, i can tell you i could have done my regular job, the only thing they would have had to do to accommodate me was to leave me on the outside duties for 2 wks rather than 1 and rotate around me for the inside duties. they only "undue hardship" would have been with my co-workers, not the company. WORKC was required to give me monies because i was on  Temporary Total Disability(that is what i mean when i say " i have been on wc") because i had surgery, just like going on State Disability when you have a major operation, only this is Disability paid by the insurance co hired by my company, hence, work comp.THEY WERE FORCED TO PAY ME WORKC , THEY did not want to get fined and had to show that they were "helping me" since they denied everything else. Because my wonderful co. would not accommodate me, I also was cut off of medical coverage, the loss of 2 yrs of pay, 2 yrs of pay and hours accumulated that would have gone to my pension, AND i could have retired this year in June, but because of the not accomodating me, I am being held back another year and my pension will be much less than what it could have been. There is alot more involved that they put the screws to me, but there is much more i wish to share w/you. Let me just say as well, when you lose a job of 27yrs, and no one helps you in trying to right their wrongs such as our union steward and union itself, it just took what little self esteem i did have, self respect, dignity, all of it went down the drain. I want to recap briefly my traumatic events of the last 6 yrs then i think u will understand when i said u were blessed.

My precious father who raised all 4 of us kids on his own(And NO, my brothers all live out of state and cannot help me. judging from how often i hear from them, i cannot count on them for anything.i had been living w/him for the last 17yrs prior to his passing)passed away on the early morning of my 45th birthday from renal cell carcinoma. i was his caretaker and i was with him throughout his whole ordeal. Him and my mother had divorced when i was 11 yrs old. He was so devastated, he never remarried and he never brought another woman to the house. My father was NOT an affectionate man, he did not know how to give it because he was never shown it. His father was a hard core alcoholic who beat his mother on one or more occasions that he witnessed and told us.they divorced  bc my father suspected something was amiss so he hired a Private Investigator to follow her and the PI did.He busted my mother cheating on him with her own personal physician who was 20yrs older than her.That was also a major traumatic event to me-another story. When my father passed, it nearly killed me. It definitely sent me into la-la land for almost a year, I could not go to work, the thought of everyone asking me what happened, i knew i would never be able to handle that, so i  went into my own world and kinda disappeared. it took me almost 3 yrs before i could look at a picture of him without it feeling like someone was stabbing me in my heart. My mother did something so horrible to my father prior to his passing that i put call block on our phone and cut her off completely. my mother was jealous of all the attention my father was getting from all us kids(it is no wonder, where was she when we were all growing up? she would visit for 1 hour a week, do u hear me?1 lousy hour and give us some chump change then leave, the rest of the week we never got a phone call ever from her).

Camay 6, I did not always feel hatred for my mother. In fact, before my beginning of my problem, i had totally forgiven her for leaving us. i told her to quit beating up on herself about it for she was full of guilt-- it would literally kill me to hear her apologizing/crying  all the time about leaving us. My father ALWAYS TREATED HER GOOD, even though they had divorced, he showed bitterness in the beginning when he was hurting, but yrs later he would talk to her when she had a problem, every time she needed something fixed in her condo, he would do it for free. if she needed a ride somewhere, if he wasn't working he would take her, he took her to emergency a few times when i got so sick of her demanding me to do it -she would guilt induce me to feel sorry for her--no body loves me, you are all that i have--i am counting on you to take care of me. That is a tremendous amount of responsibility to throw on her child when she knew i could not even take care of myself, she knew abut my problem and she promised me she would never use it on me..well guess what? she used it on me to everyone (relatives), even my co workers, told them everything when i cut her off after my father passed, she put me in a very dangerous position...all out of spite. Lucky for me, my mother was slurring her words , she had had a problem w/drugs as well for almost 20 yrs. her second husband was a doctor, she had a personal doctor who filled her full w whatever she wanted, one of them was Demerol, vicodin, Valium, restoril, u name it she had it at her disposal.Funny thing though, i was the only one who backed her play time and again, the only one who would go like her little puppet and do whatever she asked me to do, the only one who would include her on holidays when she was without a man...my brothers all saw through the martyr game/manipulation and they had cut her off long ago. the only one who would talk to her on the phone and that is if she caught him off guard was my youngest brother. I did not hate her then. i was pissed and hurt at her because she betrayed my trust. she was not doing an intervention for me-out of love deal, she was trying to get me in serious trouble and get allies on her side.

I will get to the hate part now. My youngest brother took it upon himself to give my mother my phone  number in 2003, without asking me first. Judging from my brothers actions as of late, i believe he did that because he was tired of her calling at all hours of the nite and bugging him and his wife.So why not throw her to me, i lived close by and this way he would be relieved of his duty as her son to accommodate her in her ramblings. she called one day and i was in shock. she said she wanted to talk to me, i told her i did not trust her after what she had done to me last time. she told me she was willing to earn my trust back and wanted nothing more than to have her daughter back in her life again. she missed her and loved her and wanted her back. Well, Camay 6, i decided as i always had in the past when she either disappeared after drawing me close again or she just told me flat out that she was busy with boyfriend # whatever and that i would have to learn to deal and depend on someone else, nice huh?even though that is what she did to me on numerous occasions, she was still my mother and i was willing to try to at least be civil, maybe down the road repair the relationship. On March 12th of 2004, my mother shot herself in the head w/ a gun she had lied to me about returning giving it to the police and i dint need to tell you what the outcome of it was. she is no longer here. she did such a number on my head in those last months, the last days of her existence that i have many horrible feelings about her. there is alot that happened in the weeks before but i dint want to talk about her anymore right now. a very RAW AND OPEN wound still with me and it wont be resolved until i get into a treatment and get some intense one on one therapy.  I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO SEE MY FATHER, HEAR HIM SPEAK. HE WAS MY ROCK. my mother was never around, and if us kids were in trouble and needed help, it was always my FATHER who gave it to us. i know exactly what you mean about a parent/child rel. how abut a parents unconditional love for their child? nothing like it and it saddens me very much that i will NEVER experience it again. It also saddens me that i was usng when he passed and what a disappointment he must think of me and what i have become.

enough abut me.

Listen Camay 6, i just started doing alot of calling myself and i am looking for 2 particular treatments that i believe would be the most successful to me. a treatment for the detox, a particular treatment for the mental  and also the pay assistance or what they can do to accommodate me as well. i was given an 800 number today and the lady told me that when i called that number they would be able to tell me which programs would be the best for me and what was closest to me. if u wish for me to inquire for you, i will. i just need to know what is your requirements to have treatment? by that i mean, do you want to go as outpatient because u said u could not do 28 days. could u go during the week during the day? how many days a week could u go? how many hours could u spend there? do u need detox or do you just need substance prevention? do u think you will need assistance money wise? could u do a sliding pay-scale? meaning that u could do partial payments monthly and not all up front? do you want to go real close to your house or kind of a little distance from your home so you are not recognized? Let me know because i will help you. i am not working and you seem as desperate as i am for help and you seem much too kind of a person too have to go through this hell esp since u have a child. just from what your quote has said about u helping other/older people  tells me that u are much  more deserving than i , if i can help u , it would make my heart happy. u live in Florida right. what is the county you live in because that is what i was asked to get this other 800 number i am calling tomorrow. if u just want the 800 number , let me know the county you are living in in Florida, and i will give u that k? whatever u wish...i totally feel for you and feel exactly like u do when u said about  ur hope being diminished daily. i just started , i have written inquiring to a couple of facilities, no response as of yet. that is what kills me. everyone says, you are not alone, there is help, call or email and we can help you..i , like u am starting to believe that they are all taking out their you know what's:) anyway, talk about rambling.....look who's rambling......i will let u know my results with this number i call tomorrow...take care and w/b