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Messages By: blgspc

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July 25, 2005, 8:56 am CDT

Welcome!

I am so excited to have accessed this web site. I need the interaction with people on a search like mine. I've been self-employed for 21 years as a tax accountant. I've endured inner conflict for years. My desire to please people coupled with my since of fairness and obeying our gov't laws. I have recently decided to sell or close my business due to the stress reinforced by other personal problems. Depression and pain. I am so encouraged by this message board. I do hope to establish some buddies that will help me sort through my life issues. Thanks

You're in the right place!!! There are MANY WONDERFUL and WISE people here. I know because I sure have felt the same sense of urgency for SOME kind of resolve and the feedback from these folks has always been helpful, on target and very useful.

Just keep coming back!!!!

Brenda :-)

 
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July 25, 2005, 8:57 am CDT

Welcome!

I am so excited to have accessed this web site. I need the interaction with people on a search like mine. I've been self-employed for 21 years as a tax accountant. I've endured inner conflict for years. My desire to please people coupled with my since of fairness and obeying our gov't laws. I have recently decided to sell or close my business due to the stress reinforced by other personal problems. Depression and pain. I am so encouraged by this message board. I do hope to establish some buddies that will help me sort through my life issues. Thanks

You're in the right place!!! There are MANY WONDERFUL and WISE people here. I know because I sure have felt the same sense of urgency for SOME kind of resolve and the feedback from these folks has always been helpful, on target and very useful.

Just keep coming back!!!!

Brenda :-)

 
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July 25, 2005, 9:27 am CDT

Spiffy New Message Board!

Oh! Ritehere, Teri, Michelyn5 and Longstory, I have missed you all so MUCH!!!!

I was just browsing and reading to try and catch up with every one! Hope everyone is having a fabulous summer!!!

 

Only 3 more working days before I am officially retired-from this particular position, that is. RETIREMENT... sure hope I'm doing it correctly!

 

I just have no experience at retiring. Is it supposed to be one of those solemn, somber things or like a 'Yee-ha, it's party time, ya'll!' kinda thing? Hope it's NOT too serious. I don't have a single decent black outfit! And, that black hat and veil are just plain gone... lost the veiled black hat while racing down the road after a funeral!!!

So good to have the board back! I've missed you all!

 

Oh! I did return to the beach, have another M-O-T-H-E-R story, later!

Brenda :-)

 
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July 25, 2005, 11:27 am CDT

Go For IT, Girl!

Quote From: jazzz6

DANG YOU SOUND HAPPY ABOUT THIS CHANGE....... HERE IS WAS MOUNING AND PITCHING ABOUT MY BUSINESS AS IF I WERE PUTTING A CHILD TO DEATH.... BUT AFTER READING YOUR ENTHUSIASM IT'S CATCHY.....

PUTTING THAT BUSINESS TO REST WILL BE MORE LIKE BURYING THE TWO HUNDRED POUND DRAG I BEEN LIVING WITH FOR YEARS... THE HAPPY DIVORCE... NOW I JUST WANT IT BEHIND ME. MAYBE MY DREAD WAS ABOUT DOING IT... HE HEE HE HEEEEE & WHOPEEEE

 
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July 25, 2005, 4:51 pm CDT

Change just IS!

Quote From: ritehere

Thought about you alot while the boards were down, but it sounds like you're still here and relatively sane, despite what you feared! I've been studying Buddhist practices, and this was a lovely example of impermanence. I tend to get upset when my carefully balanced spinning plates crash to the floor, but you know what? They do it anyway. Find the lesson and the humor and move on. Great to hear from you!

Ya know, when I was preparing to finalize my separation/retirement I was experiencing a bit of anxiety and apprehensiveness. I actually found myself gnawing at my nails.

Then, I began thinking of how long I've been working with the, "Just get the job done." thinking. I don't mean that I devalue the people I serve and I certainly cherish most of the people with whom I've work with, however, I sure became aware of how much respect I've lost for the 'System' in which I work!

I thought about all of the people who have been right there with me, in the trenches. That's when I said, "I'm worried about NOT being in the TRENCHES...a long narrow ditch?!?!"

I also realized that I really LOVED my job about 15 years ago. As I was being promoted and saying at the same time, "But, I REALLY want to continue to work hands-on in Nursing." So, they gave me BOTH! Acute Primary Care and Management responsibilities! I was an idiot to take on the things I've been assigned in the last ten years!

 

I will miss those wonderful people I work closest with over the year. (Hey, they think I'm funny!)

 

However, once I got clear. I grabbed my shoulder bag, with my dingy head held high and headed for the Personnel Office to file for full retirement!

YES!

Brenda :-)

 
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July 26, 2005, 11:11 am CDT

Thanks Marcia!

Quote From: marcia52

As a newly retired person as of 1/1/05, the best advice I can give you is:

  1. Get a calendar and block off 3 months! Start counting backwards and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES sign up or commit yourself to anything!! You have to stop the YEARS OF BUSYiness that you are used to. Many of the folks that retired with me, signed for classes & stuff and ended up totally living the same life style. Give yourself a break ... take a vacation, whatever! For me, I chose to tacking turning my house into my home (I spent anywhere from 9-12 hours 5 days a week working - so basically, I just lived here)! I took everything out of every closet, box, whatever and went thru it. I got rid of so much crap!
  2. Walk thru house and make a list of everything you have ever wanted to do and go thru the list. Do you still want to do it? and Why?
  3. Do the same with your yard.
  4. Give yourself permission to slow down.

At firstexperienced fear - I've never known a time without working -- I retired 2 months short of my 31 years (and that doesn't include other jobs I've worked).

Is it a wonderful experience!As long as you give yourself permission to enjoy the time. Step back and BREATHE. I mean, when was the last time you had time off, got paid for months and months and months!

Funny thing, I always thought I was an afternoon person, but I'm up anywhere from 7 to 8 a.m. every day! No alarm clock! And I had to use an alarm clock to get up every morning to go to work!

WOW! You SURE you were relaxing?!? Sounds like you re-built your life! Which sounds like a good thing to sift through your home and your life and make choices that make your life more full and enjoyable!

 

I am always so impressed with someone like yourself. Outlining and defining exactly what is needed and WHY.

 

I think that so many people don't stop and fully examine the 'Why' and as a result pursue costly things that were appealing in their 20's and 30's.

 

I, also, wish that I had your organizational skills! I have ALWAYS lacked that. I appreciate your sitting down and listing what helped you during that time of transition!!!!

 

Thanks, again! Cause while I may be feeling cocky, now, I too have always worked. I can't imagine NOT working. So... If you should find me on this board in the months to come trying to locate an inexpensive buy of Cyanide or Stricnine you'll know that things didn't go exactly as planned! Ha!

Thanks again, Brenda:-)

 

 

 
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July 26, 2005, 11:34 am CDT

Hey! YOU!

Quote From: jpmitford

HI I AM A 53 YR OLD WOMEN WHO IS STILL LOOKING FOR MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

I'm 50!!!!!!

Pay attention to the FACT that you're NOT dead, yet! That steady rise and fall of your chest is always a clue to that fact!

Then, get started on what ever it is you NEED to do!!! These folks here can help support you in that process, including ME (aka: the weird one)!

If you're stalled, examine 'Why'. I think that Dr. Phil's book, 'Self Matters', is a very good 'How to fix yourself-in 12 nifty Chapters'!!!!  Just remember that 'Self Matters' nor anything will help if you WAIT until you're in the 'BURY' Patch!!!

Think About It!!!

 

Brenda :-)

 
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July 26, 2005, 5:09 pm CDT

Found New Insight

I traveled down to the beach, to once again meet with the contractor/developer working on the house I am having built near my parents. This time I asked my father to accompany me to the meeting. I did that for several reasons. My father, a retired Accountant, NEEDED to GET OUT/away from my mother. He also, knows so many people around that beach and lastly he knows how to navigate business agreements far better than I EVER will. My mother DID NOT like my asking him to come one BIT!

Upon return to my parents home, my mother was still brooding. She leveled a mean glare at me and said, “I got some good stuff for that frizzy, dry, fly-away hair! Don’t let me forget to give it to you before you go!”

I responded with, “Well, thank you, Mother! Dusty Kitty (my cat) will so appreciate that you thought of her! Ya know, she spends half of her day preening herself and, bless her heart, half the time her coat still looks like and unmade bed, until I brush her out.” My mother just huffed, sneered and rolled her eyes.

She then began to ramble in an angry tone covering about 15 topics in about 10 minutes. Then out of the clear blue, she said, “ Seems strange… you bein’ a professional, having a job, a good one ,too… People seems to think something of you, too… You livin’ away from home for a long time, now.”

I was stumped. So I ventured with, “Well, Mother, you know, Linda and I have been adults for some time, now. Decades, in fact…”

She just shrugged and sighed saying, “Yeah..I reckon we just never expected ya’ll to amount to much….”

As my father shout at her and chastised her for her comment it suddenly dawned on me that this woman’s life-long distain for her children is linked -I believe- to her seeing us as nothing more than extensions of herself!! For the first time in my Whole life I realized that! I got it! (As Dr. Phil would say.) She has no self esteem, very poor self concept. Her narcissism is learned behavior and served as a survival mechanism in dealing with her own narcissistic mother.

How I have spent my entire life dealing with this woman and missing something THAT central, I don’t know!

It was a real ‘Well, Dah!!!’ moment for me! WOW!

Had to tell someone other than my twin sister, who responded with ”Who Cares!!” It does matter though, in more clearly understanding the way she relates.

Thanks for letting me bend your ear, again!

Brenda

 
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July 27, 2005, 11:40 am CDT

Kaatje...

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

 

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

 

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

 

Thank you

 

I was very moved by your post. ( By the way your Engish is better than mine!)

 

I'm also curious about what you feel your mother's motives were. Is she a 'good' mother/person who was trying to protect her children when she felt that you may be too young to manage the adult truths. Has she acted in your best interests, by being reliable, dependable, trustworthy, acting as your ally before now? If so it maybe time to sit down with her and talk about how her choice impacted you personally.

 

If you feel/know that her motives/intentions were driven by other things NOT involving good mothering, that makes it a bit tougher.

 

At the very least this constitutes a significant breach. Impairing trust, as well as, for many, createing a sense of betrayl.

 

You may want to spend some time mending your wounds before rushing right into 'resolve mode'. Spend some time feeling your pain, having your anger and your tears.

 

The good news is you will survive this and hopefully emerge with a clearer understanding of yourself, your family and your mother.

 

My thoughts & prayers are with you,      

 

Brenda

 
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July 27, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

Marcia...

Quote From: marcia52

How right you are about me rewriting my life.  When I realized that no matter what I did or how I did, I couldn't break lose from the awful victimized life style that I had written at work.  I choose to do something so totally different because I couldn't change things or people.  It was Dr. Phil's words regarding SABOTUERS in Self Matters that I had to spend time on.  He wrote that there were people who were jealous and if they were in power, I could never get pass them.  ANd he was soooo RIGHT! 

 

My organizational skills are a quirk that I have.  Ever since I was 5 years old (my earliest memory), I have always tore things apart and rebuilt them.  Luckily for me, Self Matters comes with a workbook which enabled to focus my energy on.  It's really about your learning style. 

 

For me, with over 20 years of schooling - I do well with homework assignments.  So if you ask questions, I will answer them.  It's hard isn't it when you are so afraid to be truthful to yourself because you will be shamed or humiliated or embarrassed.

 

But when I watch Dr. Phil and see those folks sitting with truths more horrendous than mine, I figure hey, I can tell folks everything and anything cause when I hide it, it owns me.

 

You don't have to work!  My mom goes to the neighborhood Senior Citizen group.  She gets there early to help put together the Meals-on-Wheels lunches.  She serves to the others (she's 72 now).  She goes to MARCs to purchase little items for their bingo games and picks up their coffee and all sorts of stuff.  She's a volunteer.

 

In Cleveland, the newspaper has a weekly column looking for volunteers.  Another woman I grew up with works as a teacher's aide (as a volunteer) and goes to the school about 3 days a week.

 

You don't have to WORK -- you just need to discover who you are.  What you have always wanted to do.  I figure my 7 months off is my vacation from life.  I knew my life wasn't right and when I did Self Matters, I realized that there was NOTHING I wanted to be or advanced to there.  My heart was some place else.  Luckily, I met the qualifications for an early retirement - it took 6% of my retirement to do it.  But, I've finally figured out I could be a Technical Writer.  It's what I did when I worked -- I enjoy writing processes & procedures & developing tools, forms to do work.  I've trained myself and I plan on going to the local college and get a certificate now.  That's my next career.

I, too am good at self-sabatage. If you read the post I wrote to Ritehere re:taking on a management position AND Acute Primary Care! Please note in that post I express anger at others, while I was the ONE who said nothing, did nothing and blamed everyone else.  Honestly, sometimes I look at ME and just shake my head! I think I may just qualify as the 2005 'VICTIM' Poster 'Child'.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience of your mother. I just love that. The little engine that could, will and DOES! I envy you, having a mother that special.

 

I also admire the ENORMOUS self work you've done. That isn't easy. You and Ritehere are EXTREMELY good role models for me. Again, I thank you.

 

 

Brenda

 

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