Messages By: blgspc

Quote From: marcia52

Yesterday morning, I wrote that I was ready to get back into the world again in my online diary.  I went and applied for a part-time position at K-Mart (it's mindless job - I don't need to create a process/procedure, or documents, or be a project coordinator - I can go to work and do my job and come home). 

  

Yesterday afternoon, my mom called to tell me that my sister's cancer has come back (her left breast was removed last October) and they want her to get a hysteromy ASAP - but her life dream has been to go to Hawaii -- which is scheduled for 9/22/05.  That means her operation will be in October. 

  

I've so proud of myself for taking the time to do SELF MATTERS cause Dr. Phil is just so right!  If I hadn't done it, I wouldn't be there for her NOW.  I feel different, I'm acting proactively.  I'm thinking NOW - and I'm doing NOW.  Before, I would be lost in self-pity, blame, shame, guilt - whatever and not be there for her. 

  

but you want to know what the kicker is?  Her words for the last few years has been:  I KNOW I'M GOING TO DIE.  Doesn't that sound very much like my own words I said about me?  And her work life is just as bad as mine was & her relationship with her hubby is just as abusive as mine was.   

  

But I can hear her now.  I'm not busy with me anymore - cause I'm living my life 24/7. 

  

I'm not sure if I can help her - but I can stand by her.  I'm really glad that I gave myself the 8 months to discover who I am inside - to forgive - to learn - to practice - to finally be able to be the sister, friend, daughter, co-worker that doesn't hurt people just because she can. 

  

I'm not sure if I will be posting to this particular board anymore.  But I will keep up my online diary.  It's helping me because I need to be upfront about what's going on in my life.  My posts here are just too intense for most folks - there I can be as intense and a open as I need to be so I can work things out. 

  

Please pray for my sister. 

Quote From: ritehere

 Brenda, cut yourself some slack. These guys are the ones doing something wrong, don't you think? And I would hazard a guess that you're not the only one they try this with. When we are hit on this way, we women have a tendency to 1.) Think the cad is joking, 2.)Think he's "just flirting", 3.)Didn't really mean it. You see, most women are stuck in their reality, and can't perceive that some men are just jerks, with no feelings or brains. We are too kind because we wouldn't THINK of hitting on someone if we are in a committed relationship or they are. Get over it, there are some real slow learners out there Brenda. All you have to do is tell them "Stow it, or I'll tell your wife what you're up to." Cheats want nothing to do with someone who will broadcast their activities. Of course, you'll gain all kinds of new nicknames from him and his ilk, but who cares?
You're not the one who needs to change their behavior, you're not married. You can be as alluring and seductive and interesting as you want to be.

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.   

  

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away.  I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home.  I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m.  Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking.  This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.   

  

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not.  The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought.  This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.   

  

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry.  Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes.  I don't know.  I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing.  I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up.  The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt.  This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.   

  

He has been distancing himself also.  I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to.  I don't know.  I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him.  Wow.  Relationships are not my strong suit.   

  

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective.  I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part.  Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out.  I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?   

  

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks everyone. 

Teri 

Quote From: ritehere

 It's been real, it's been great. I feel like I've made some good friends and benefitted in many ways posting here. I need to branch out into the world and relate to people face to face now. One of the things I need to do is get a job, my youngest will be going to college next year and we would rather not  put that on credit. I won't be able to post as much, but I will be around and drop in from time to time.
Longstory, the hike you told me about looks intriguing, I found it on my topo maps.

 We hiked a canyon close to home last weekend. We ended up going twice as far as first planned and ran out of water. We were dehydrated, hot and dirty, but it was worth it. I'm going to be busy for the next couple of weekends, but after that who knows? If there are aspens that way, it may be a gorgeous hike up to the Crags.

The self discovery goes on. Peace to all.

Quote From: teri_id

Lyne, Ritehere, Brenda, Grub48 and Kimbrem, 

  

I want to thank you all for your feedback.  You are all correct, honesty in a relationship is vital, and Grub48, I appreciate the way you described the 4 sides of honesty in a relationship.   

  

I listened pretty hard to my "gut", and I had an epiphany as to why I was feeling this anger.   

  

When my ex-husband and I divorced, he was very angry and possessive.  When he realized I was not going to stay, he started to sabotage my relationships with my family by telling them I was doing drugs.  Now, I don't do drugs and had no intention at the time.  Because of the nature of divorce, I lost some weight during that time.  He used this as a reinforcer for his claim.   

  

This hurt me deeply, as even my own parents believed what he was saying.  I guess I have not recovered from this at all, as even writing about it now brings me to tears.   

  

When I saw the distrust in my boyfriend/mate's eyes, it hurt just like it did with my parents.  I know I wasn't drinking, so I am not hung up on that so much as the distrust.   

  

Once I realized where the feelings were coming from, I was able to open up and talk about them to him.  He understood, and we recognized the distancing and we stopped.  We made special efforts to be closer and spent much of the day just appreciating each other.   

  

As far as the smell, well, I had 2 take and bake pizza's in the back seat that had been rising the whole drive, and had been drinking lemonade, so we think the yeast smell mixed with the lemonade caused a "boozy" odor.   

  

I want to thank everyone for their feedback again, as I don't think I would have handled this near as well without it.  Thanks again! 

Teri 

Quote From: teri_id

Brenda, 

  

Thank you for the encouragement.  You are right, I am NOT over the pain caused by my ex, yet everyday I work towards self empowerment so that I don't have to be controlled by him.   

  

We had been married 11 years.  I had not divorced him earlier because I was afraid of what would happen, plus it is against the religion I was raised in.  He suffers from mental illness and was hospitalized twice when we had been married 7 years.  I really wanted to leave then.  

  

When I finally could take no more, he had a very hard time accepting it.  In fact, I don't think he has, and we have been divorced about 5 years.  We were emotionally divorced long before that.  We didn't even share a bedroom.   

  

We owned two houses right next door to each other.  We tried to be neighbors, but it was too much for him.  He ended up putting signs on my windows, constantly watching me, and would go into my house when I wasn't home and take things. It's called stalking.  

  

Condensed version, I ended up leaving, him having forced me into a situation where I had to leave my kids behind, and I left fearing for my life.  I didn't see my kids for a year, and it almost killed me, literally.   

  

With my boyfriend's support, encouragement and sometimes insistence, I started to put myself back together.  I got through the suicidal depression and became angry.  I chose to use it well.  A wonderful mentoring program was born of this, as I had to learn how to get back to court on my own and have my rights as a parent reinforced.  I did it and I won.  The kids did not want to move, but we have a good relationship now, and we talk so much and I go see them as often as I can.  They won't come here because of how angry their dad gets when my boyfriend/mate is around.  My ex hates him, even though he doesn't really know anything about him.   Thus, blending the families is not an option right now.  I want it to be, though.   

  

When we divorced, I lost everything.  My parents have not spoken to me in over 5 years.  My brothers have not as well.  The church I grew up in preached so many good things, yet when I needed them, they did not want to help...so I was alone, devastated and watching my life be destroyed by an angry ex.  I cannot allow that to happen again....thus I must grow and become empowered.  

  

I appreciate your recognition of my "growth."  I was pretty happy when I realized I caught something before it became a fight or argument.  The healing from talking about it was so good and warm...and complete.  I will work towards continuing this path. 

  

Thanks again Brenda, 

Teri