Messages By: puptent

I had to go to a meeting at  his school yesterday and it went as as expected -- stepson isn't doing his homework/assignments and isn't coming to class prepared (no pen or pencil even!).  He is even failing GYM because he isn't bringing his gym clothes -- to make matters worse they are in his school locker!  He owes work in every class but one (Science --and Science is the class that the teacher was at the meeting -- she says she is constantly on him which is why he is up to date!)!  They called him to the meeting when we were done talking to talk to him as well.  He just sat there with such an "I don't care attitude!"  His attitude is "I don't want to be here -- I want to be at my mom's cause she won't bug me to do schoolwork etc!"  He was told to see his teachers for the makeup work -- I even told him to go after school if he needed to....and he comes home with only a Science ditto (the only class he is not behind in).  

In the past, his teachers' and I signed his homework planner to make sure he was writing down the assignments and doing them but we all felt that he is 13 now and when he goes to high school next year he won't get treated that way -- he will have to be responsible for himself so we are trying (with no luck yet) to get him to do it himself.... 

His dad grounded him for lack of homework/effort etc.  which means no TV, computer, phone or hanging out with friends.  He can still go to chess club though because we feel chess club is good for his thinking as well as socially.  He decorated his pumpkin last night with dad (cleaned it out and made pumpkin seeds...etc.) and then he got ready for bed but I am dreading today after school (whether he gets the makeup work or not and then when homework is done and wants to watch tv or go online or go out with friends....) when I have to be the evil stepmom.  He kept telling me stories last night of things other adults have said to him about me (mostly his mom) and I know he was just trying to hurt me cause he wants me to not to care and he wants his mom!  

His sister had a rude awakening last year when she went into high school  and the first semester progress reports came out -- she tried to do makeup work for missing assignments and she was reminded that there is no makeup work in high school.  If they don't do an assignment it is a zero.  If they are out sick, it is their responsibility the day that they are back to get the work and do right away -- some classes it is due the following day.  She straightened out and is doing extremely well now (well I get progress reports next week so we'll see for sure but she has been holding her own and being responsible ever since she started.)  She will be 16 and I realize that girls mature faster than boys but I keep hoping that her brother will become more responsible. 

so how do we deal with our step kids when we are the ones with them most of the time?  What I mean is my hubby (their dad) is the disciplinarian and that is what their relationship is becoming mostly cause it is becoming "wait til your father gets home" and then after working all day he has to come home to deal with a problem or situation that happened hours ago or sometimes even a day before if he comes home too late...I have tried to ask their mom for help and though she says they should respect me and listen to me she also feels I shouldn't discipline them.  I am afraid that the kids don't respect me or are treating me badly cause they know I don't have power and also just because they can get away with it! I am at my wits end and now I don't make any decisions -- if they want to go to a friends house it has to be discussed with daddy beforehand or they can't go cause I don't think it is fair for them to walk all over me getting me to let them do the things they want to do but not correct them when they are wrong. 

Dr. Phil also says that "people treat you the way that you let them" so where did I go wrong with my step kids that they don't treat me right?  BTW, the kids are stepdaughter age 16 and stepson age 13 and I met them at ages 3 & 5 when they lived with their mom.  They came to live with us 5 years ago and we have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter as well. 

Thanks in advance.  Advice is appreciated. 

I too have 13 year old stepson who doesn't care about anything or any body.  He takes no responbility for his actions.  He doesn't do his work at school or his homework when punsihed (by dad) for this he gets frustrated and doesn't bother even more cause "what have I got to lose?"  We have reward system but he just doesn't care cause he wants to live with mom.  I know he loves me but lets face it he doesn't want ME -- he wants his mom, understandably so.  We (mostly me for hubby since he works) found out what would be involved in his living with her (after she told me that it was possible) but she has not followed through on her end...I now have stepped out (not only of displine) but also from correcting or even reminding him...as it is too stressful and causes arguements between him and me.  I realize that he has it hard but I want him to care about something and show intitive towards soemthing....oh well maybe its the age and the two husehold thing.... 

I have from day one tried to get along with her for the sake of the kids....I know we'll never be friends but we should be able to get along for their sake.  She tells me that my job as stepmom is hard and she wouldn't want to be one.  She says she agrees with what hubby has decided to do to discipline the kdis etc and then she does the opposite (who are we to rule what she does?).  She creates problems that don't need to be there at all.  The kids are 13 (boy) and 15 (girl).  She has three other children -- 10 year old boy by second husband who lives with his dad but she never sees him and then she has two boys ages 2 and 4 months old that live with her and her third husband.  We have two other children -- a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl (our daughter is three months younger than her son).   Everytime the kids go there for a weekend they come back with major attitude and sharp tongues...but we try and give them a break as we know it isn't easy on them...Her 13 year old son wants to live with her and we did everything we could to help this to happen but the next step was his mom's and she hasn't done anything to help it to happen since September (although she tells him that he could come and live with her...she won't notarize and file papers with the court).  I agree about the classes idea but I know she wouldn't go!  

we worked on and implemented a list of their responsibilities and the consequences...it starts today so we'll see what happens but I feel stronger already...more empowered (not in power).  We even added for the adults to stop cursing (hubby is very bad and I have my moments!) and if we 10 times the consequence is we have to pay to take to the movies or rent a movie as a family.  This way it is  a way to involve them and let them see that we make mistakes too as well as the consequence is something that they like not just a punishment as realistically punishing us  was impracticle so this way the punishment is monetary but it is fun anyway! 

We also implemented something suggested by someone else on the stepparent show (last MOnday) board -- a sign out board because last week DSS said he told his sister (when he couldn't find me) where he was going but she was mad at him so she wasn't listening!  This way we always knwo where everyone is -- no misunderstandings as well as everyone is accountable.  I even signed daddy out for work (put his cell phone as phoen # and myself for my daoctor's appointment this afternoon so DSD who is babysitting will have the number if she needs me too. 

but I promised Janet I would check it out. SO here I am!  Hi Janet and everyone else! 

My name is Trish.  I am a stay at home mom with two little ones -- our son is 4 and our daughter is 2. (She is a handful!!)  I also have two stepkids that live with us -- stepson is 13 and stepdaughter is 16 (today!).   I gained my weight back when I was married to my verbally abusive ex who beat on my self-esteem -- and in 1992 I was diaganosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and have been on disability ever since.  I left and divorced ex hubby finally in 1995 and met my current husband.  We got married in 1996 and his kids came to live with us in 2000.   

This is my third time on UWC -- I guess I wasn't ready the other two times (1/27/04 & 6/18/04).  I have been doing the program the time since August 1 of this year and have lost 25 pounds.  I have done many other diets as well as fads but nothing has worked -- and as I learn the keys more I am coming to realize that is because there was more emotionally to the weight gain then I realized!   

My get real weight is between 148 and 135.  I am currently 195 but I was so excited to come down below the 200 mark!  I didn't gain with my preganancies -- just baby fat that I lost after they were born -- Thank God!  But I am tired of people asking me constantly (before and after the pregnancies) if I am pregnant!  Probably because most of my weight is in the abdomen area!  

Thanks for reading... 

Trish 

Barbara & Ladean:  Me and my little ones have the cold too!  I hope you to feel better soon (and us too!)  I just feel very sluggish and tired whereas my son and daughter are coughing and have runny noses.  (My son threw up flem last too but thank goodness that stopped mid night!) 

Tracy:  DH can sleep through the night because he is a male!  They don't call it maternal instincts for nothing ya know! ;-)  My hubby sleeps through everything too!  Our son was sick last night, therefore in our room and DH slept through it all!  Hang in there -- your daughter will figure it out soon!  I hated the cry it out stage but I survived -- our daughter is 2 1/2 years old.  She is still a light sleeper but generally she sleeps 10-11 hours through the night! 

Heather:  I can't leave shopping to DH as he would leave it to Christmas Eve!  I like to be done and wrapped by Thanksgiving -- unfortunately this year I still have to figure out what to get my dad (80 years old) but otherwise done (though daughter keeps unwrapping -- luckily not her gifts!) 

Anita:  Has it really been three years since Dr. Phil had his first big weight loss show?  Wow! 

Janet:  Hi!  I made it!  Snow!!  I heard we were going to get some tomorrow morning...are you sending it to me!? ;-) 

more to come.... 

Trish 

Cathy:  What is the holiday challenge? 

Lois:  I live in NJ!!  Did u used to?  I'm sitting here drinking diet hot chocolate to get warm cause I don't like coffee or tea...My MIL went to Florida before Thanksgiving for the winter -- I think she and you have the right idea!  Have a good trip! 

BJ:  I'm with you!  If my dogs or my cats (we have 2 of each) cry overnight I'm awake too!  <never mind the kids -- even if I'm sick and need sleep myself!> 

Ladean, Heather, Tracy and Jeannie:  Thanks for the warm welcome! 

Tracy:  I'll tell you why it didn't work -- I looked at it as a diet and followed the menu plans...I didn't apply the keys though I did read them.  This time I have re-read and applied the keys to my life and I continue to do so....learning all the time something new about myself...which is surprising cause you think I'd know me best! ;-) LOL 

Good morning to: Kay, Suzi, Tabita, Mary and anyone else who I missed!!!   

 Mish:  I will post to you separately cause yours is a long one! :-) 

Trish 

you snuck in while I was posting.... 

IE is my problem too -- I just gotta DO IT!  I gotta put it in my schedule and get it done!  I don't miss breakfast, lunch or dinner so why exercise?  I'll tell you why cause I dont find it enjoyable -- I find it a chore! I have to get past this feeling and find something fun and just do it.... 

Trish 

How old are Grace and Hunter?  My son Kyle is 4 and daughter, Megan is 2.  I also have two stepkids that live with us -- Felicia who is 16 today and Victor who is 13. 

Trish