Messages By: mischif12

I just about died when I logged on a week or so ago and found the board down. Guess I need a 12 step group for DR. Phil. Hope everyone has been well and hanging in there. My new job is great and I am finding that life in sobriety is wonderful. Anyone want to talk please don't hesitate to contact me.

Mischif

.....to being and alcoholic and an addict for 30 years I am also severely codependant. I have been sober now for ten months today, but the codependancy issues are really kicking my behind. I do my best to set boundaries with my husband who is still in his disease but it's hard and not good for my sobriety to wake up and find beer cans all over the house. Don't get me wrong I am no better than he is and 10 months ago I was a lot worse but it seems that the longer I am sober the more he drinks. We haven't had sex in 4 years and I am truely considering divorce. I am only here right now because AA teaches not to make in any major changes in the first year and they haven't steered me wrong yet. You know the stronger I get the more threatened he becomes. He is truely a functional alcoholic in that he gets up every morning goes to work and pulls down 6 figures. He only drinks at night after work and he's not violent or abusive in the physical sense of the word. He can be verbal at times but general he keeps to himself in true alcoholic fashion. I am working with my therapist on the codependancy issues and it's helping but it's going so slow. I guess I' m just a little down today. I'm usually very up and ready to help whenever I'm needed but right now I just need a little encouragement.

Mischif

 Thanks for your reply. It set just the right tone. I was just really down last week. Maybe it's because I was having my monthly. My therapist told me that's it's not unusual to feel depressed right when a lot of good things start happening. It's part of the recovery process. It's kind of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. But I'm feeling much better today. Had breakfast with my sponsor and just talked about a lot of stuff. I know that I can't change the fact of my husband'd drinking so it's one of those things I can't change that must be accepted. It sure would be a lot easier if he were a bum who couldn't hold a job. Or if he was a cheater because then I cold just kick him out. However he has a very litigious mind and a divorce would be gruesome to say the least. He tells me he loves me all the time but we share no intimacy and that's the hardest thing of all. Well I've got to get going for now. I'm going to do popcorn and a movie with my son tonight - maybe the hubby with join us but I doubt it!

Peace and God Bless

mischif

I know what you mean. I hope the gang finds their way here. I'm not sure I like this new board. But's it's one of those changes I'm going to have to accept. I have had a couple of direct e-mails from Dopigirl and she seams to be doing ok. The others I haven't heard from. Like you I hope they will find their way here but with the board down maybe they got off the board and went to a meeting. One can only hope! I found out Sunday that my dad has colon cancer and will be undergoing surgery in the next 30 days to remove 10 to 15 inches of his colon. I'm still processing this info. I've had such ambivilant feelings about my parents for so long. It's not that I don't love them but I did sort of have the childhood from hell. Anyway I am praying hard right now and hope for the best. Hope you are doing well.

Peace and God bless

Mischif

I would really encourage you to attend Alanon or Coda meetings. Often they are going on all around you and you just don't know it. Call the General Service Office of the AA near you they will steer you in the right direction. In these meetigs you will meet people who know exactly how you feel but it's more than just a place to vent. It's a place to set aside your co-dependant traits and gain new tools for living. You can't wish or force your loved one sober but you can learn how to set boundaries and make healthy decisions about your life.

Peace and God Bless

Mischif

I read through your post several times before I answered. It always hurt when a relative is self destructing right before your eyes. I know the feeling well. I watched it happen with by brother who is currently drinking himself to death, My 1st husband who did every substance he could get his hands and my current husband who drinking is reaching out of control proportions. I, myself am a recovering alcoholic and addict and I know I put the people I love through hell over the past 30 years. One thing I have learned in recovery ( well I've actually learned a lot!) is that not matter how much you love them you cannot force an addict to get sober. Alcoholics and Addicts do what they do which is to drink and get high or low. When we are in our disease we are very self-centered people. We are also stubborn as a Mississippi mule and nobody is going to make us do anything we don't want to do.For me it took hitting bottom and a suicide attempt to I believe Canada has laws governing patient's rights just like we do here in the states. I work in the mental health field and while we can hold people against their will for a short period of time it is extremely difficult to commit someone who is an addict to long term mental health treatment. These laws recognize that you can't force sobriety on anyone. Plus the institutions and hospitals are packed with people who are gravely disabled due to mental illness. I know how very much you are hurting and I will keep you, your sister and nephew in my prayers. Please don't feel that this is in anyway your fault. Your nephew has made his choices and he won't get sober unless he wants to. Why would the government waste a bed on someone who doesn't want recovery when their are so many who really want to get well. It's mainly a dollars and cents issue and it's not fair but that is unfortunately the way it is. Don't lose hope but you must be able to live life and find serenity within the storm yo need to accept that which cannot change,change what you can and have the courage to know the difference.

Peace and God Bless

Mischif

This used to be such an active board. I wonder where veryone went? I talked to my dad last night.He's seems in good spirits in spite of the cancer, Says he doesn't even feel sick! I'm coming up on 11 months sober and am really happy about that. I know that there is no guarantee about tomorrow but if anyone had told me that I could stay sober for a year I'd have told him/her they were out of their mind. It's funny through surrender, prayer my friends at AA and a totaly awsome Higher Power the obsession and craving to drink has been lifted and I am happy (most of the time) joyous and free. 

One happy grateful alcoholic in recovery 

Mischif 

 accept a step mother or father as if it's all great and wonderful. I am a nurse and I work in an adolescent Psych facility. I can say that while a few really do have psychiatric problems like bi-polar, ocd, major depression etc.... Many of these kids have had their lives torn apart six ways from Sunday by the people who are supposed to love and care for them. It's sad when you talk to a 12 year old whose living on the street because his step mom says he's incorrigible and the only thing the dad has to say is his wife is a hard woman to get along with. In other words he'd rather sacrifice his child to the streets than get rid of the problem which is a woman who will have no God's before her. It's not just stepmoms - I've seen a lot of step dads that behave badly as well. There is a 50% divorce rate for 1st marriage and a much higher rate for 2nd marriages. Theoretically a child could have several step parents during the course of growing up and their supposed to think that's just hunky dory! When people have kids the kids should become their primary focus. They give up their right to be selfish about their own needs. Kids don't ask to be born. If they are lucky they get loving parents or parent and are raised to be well adjusted adults. If they are not so lucky - they get so screwed up by their so-called care givers that they end up on the street, alcohol or drug addicted, pregnant etc....... The kids that I work with are not angels and can try the patience of even the most even tempered person but it's sad when a kids feels safer and more accepted in a psych hospital than they do at home. Is it a suprise that a girl who does not feel loved and accepted at home falls in with peers that accept her, or a boy who proclaims love. No - In case your wondering I am a parent. I'm not saying that people in abusive marriages shouldn't divorce but most of the divorces I see are for stupid selfish reasons that never take into consideration the feelings and needs of the children involved. 

Ok - I'm done ranting 

I have read with interests the posts here. For the record I am not a step-parent nor do I ever plan to be one. I still believe that the day my son was born I abdicated my right to be selfish about my own happiness. Does this mean that I've given up on being happy? No! I simply find my happiness in serving others and stepping mentally and physically away from my own selfish needs. There have been times when I wanted to divorce my husband because he's a self-centered work-a-holic. In fact the distance between us has become so great that we haven't had sex in 3 years. I see a counselor weekly and work on how to find my own happiness where I am not where I want to be. My son is the most important person in my life. My only job is to produce a well adjusted functional person capable of living a happy healthy life. Once that is accomplished perhaps 15 to 18 years from now then I will divorce and move on. My husband and I never fight in front of my son, we do all the things families do - but mom and dad sleep with their backs to each other which is something our son doesn't see. 

What I don't get is people who are not married (living together) who consider themselves step parents. Whether you are a man or a woman makes no difference. To the kids you are not a step parent. You are just the person who has sex with mom or dad. If you are not married even if you plan to be you should not take any disciplinary role with these children. In fact it would be healthier for the kids if you left the house when the kids came to spend time with their bio-parent. After you are married is different of course.  

Do I believe that step parents are the only ones to blame here? Absolutely not. Many bioparents contribute to the problem by involving their kids in they're own desperate attempts to hold on to what's gone. Also to the person whose fiance has been accused of molesting his boy. What action has this man taken to prove these allegations wrong? He should be going to CPS and telling them what is going on. There will be an investigation of course but if there is no validity he will be cleared. Furthermore the bio-mom can be prosecuted for making a false claim. It will be very ugly but in the end if your fiance is innocent the truth will out. The investigation would be very stressful and you might even have to live a part for a while but wouldn't it be worth it to have this settled. A competent forensic nurse and child psychologist who works with abused children could get the truth in one or two sessions. If your fiance thinks this will go away he's wrong - he should stand up like the man you say he is and for his child's sake initiate an investigation. 

Also to the person who drugs her step children - I think that's awful - you want these children to develop healthy coping skills - but you are teaching them the unhealthy coping skill of all. Plus this tactic suggests that your coping skills are far from adult and healthy. 

Gotta Go 

 Because I choose to honor the vows I took before God to stay marriage. Is it a perfect situation? No but I have yet to see a perfect marriage. As I said my life contains great joy. I find fulfillment in raising my son and turning my will over to the service of God and others. I never said my husband was abusive just self centered. There can be worse - I was married for a year to a man who was abusive both physically and mentally I did leave him without a look back. Thank God we didn't have children as we have been able to our separate ways. 

I'm sorry if you assumed that I said you were living with your fiance - on rereading my last post I can see why you might have taken is that way. It was harsh and I apologize. I just see so many kids screwed up and the parents getting off Scot free. Kids learn how to cope and function with life by watching adults. And often after the kids are beyond repair the parents wring their hands and mumble "I don't know where I went wrong!"  I'm just sick of it. Adults make babies and then treat them like pieces of furniture. I still say that if you don't want to deal with ex's and step children don't marry a divorcee with with kids. You have to remember that because of these kids the ex will always be a part of your lives.  

As for the drugging - Benedryl is not a safe drug for children prescribed or not. There are tones of drugs doctors have prescribed which turned out to be harmful if not fatal. Benadryl when given to children has been associated with liver and kidney failure, heart failure, anemia, sleeping disorders  and major depression. It is also the number one drug of choice for first time suicide attempts among children under 18. I still don't see how drugging the children there for depriving them of any meaningful visitation with their father is a matter of safety. Is it because the kids behave so badly that you might hurt them if they are not asleep. I have seen nothing in your posts that suggest that these children pose any danger to you. They sound a bit bratty and for sure unhappy about the coming marriage but that's normal not dangerous. Children of divorce have a higher rate of depression, promiscuity, drug use and suicide than any other group and the rates double when there is a remarriage. Face it folks the Brady Bunch was a fantasy.