Messages By: marsplasti

How do we protect our daughters from falling into abusive relationships and our sons from becoming abusers? (I guess the reverse could happen to)

My father-in-law is very "the woman is under the man" kind of person. There is also a big difference between the way he treats girls and boys. He hugs and kisses my daughter but does a shake the hand like thing with my son.(he's 3 months old what is the big deal about giving him a kiss!) I thought when my son was born he'd be thrilled because it is his only grandson and he talked for years about "one of his sons needing to have a son to pass on the family name."Thankfully my husband disagrees more and more with his dad and says his son is going to get lots of hugs and kisses from him. When I found out I was having a son  I was determined to train him to be the best litlle man he could be. I want to raise a son that will help with housework, learn how to treat women with respect. I envision him opening doors for me and his sister someday. I can't say that his father is the greatest example but is better than most. At least he helps me with the kids and at times with the housework. Although I think it is more out of duty than willingness I can't complain. We both work different shifts so we take turns watching the kids.Anyway I know men who do a lot more than they should and the women taking advantage of that so I don't want my son to turn out like that either.

I guess I want to know do they only learn by example this kind of thing? If that is the case I don't wany my son hanging around my father-in-law too much.

I try to think back to my childhood and to why both of my sisters married into abusive relationships and I did not. The only verbally abusive relationship I was ever in was back in highschool/college. Thankfully the move to a different state for college was probably what ended that relationship and one of the best things I ever did because I would have married the guy. The only thing I remember was that even though my parents loved me they had four children and really did not have the time to show it like they should have. My mom was exhausted I completely see that now...now that I have my own children. My parents also never said "I love you" which is why I smother my kids in hugs and " I love you's." I'd rather they get that from me than look for that in an empty relationship.I also see a time in my life when I had no boyfriends and had to learn to accept and love myself.

Anyone have any insight onto why they think they ended up in certain relationships or is it just luck that I got out of a relationship that could have ended very badly and is there any way to truly protect our kids?

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months and I have not heard nor spoken to him since June, 2006. He has completely shut us out of his life. My husband changed dramatically in the last year and a half. I do not know if he has another woman and I am confused. He has not met his obligations nor has been financially supporting me. We have been married close to 5 years in Dec. 10. I have know him since 1995 and we did not get together until 2000. My husband has verbally, emotionally and mentally abused me and I was so beat up with all his horrible comments. Last year, he accused me that I had someone at church. He drained my self-esteem to the ground and I just did not know what to do with myself. His stepkids are angry, frustrated and hurt by him. Him and I lost (house, car, credit ruined, cannot open a bank account) because of his neglect and if it was not for my Father, I would have been in the streets or shelter. Do you think my husband cared a bit? Absolutely not, I don't know if he is going thru mid-life crisis or if he has another woman. On the night of Feb. 6, 2006, my husband came home and with a bad attitude and I asked him that what was wrong with him and he just caved in on me. He would not talk or say anything. That night, we got into an argument and I asked him to leave. He was thinking twice if he should leave or not but he chose to leave. I had a nervous attack and My dad had to come over. My dad kept asking him what was going on and he refused to look at my Dad. I caught him looking at naked girls(pornography) on the Internet and he has walked around the house naked after showering and he knows we have a daughter in the house. It was horrible and scary. He went ahead and opened a bank account under his own name and did not add my name and he left a negative balance on previous bank. Now I have a charge off in the bank account because he refused to pay for it. Now, I am responsible for that charge off. There are creditors calling the house for him and I don't know what to do.  I want to call the creditor and give them his work number. He was sleeping in the sofa for over 2 months and he has not touch me sexually or intimacy with me since after thanksgiving of 2005. He came home and complained about how stressful his job was and I said to him to leave his work problems at work and do not bring them home. I also said to him lets go to marriage counseling and he refused. My Dad spoke to him and said seek counseling. Part of me is to blame because before we got married or got together, I should have seek counseling.  Now my children are having a difficult time focusing and they have lack of trust. They feel totally abandoned by their Stepdad and hurt for what he has done to me. Right now, we are in a healing process. Please I need advise, what do you think has caused this marriage to fall apart. Part of me can take him back and forigve him  but only if he agrees to counseling and take it step by step and then part of me does not want a man like that. My biggest thing is WILL I TRUST HIM AGAIN!  This is my first marriage and I do not believe in DIVORCE. I am a christian woman and I strive to do the right thing in all areas. In May we met up and discuss our marriage and all of sudden he wants us to move on and wanted a Divorce and I said to him why? He had no explanations and could not answer that and it was the last time we spoke or saw each other. He has not mentioned about the Divorce again. I had multiple problems with the kids at school and could not function because they were hurt and the kids even got suspended from school because they acted out. I am glad I am growing strong but I need answers and I deserve it. I have gone to court and called legal aids and they said they cannot do anything unless Divorce is taking place. I am stuck financially, but if it was not for my father I would have been out in the streets. I need ADVISE! HELP!

           My sister still hasn't talked to her husband a week later. She found a place to stay but the security deposit and first months rent took a good bit of her money. (When she filed for divorce and then went back to him for a week she used half of her "safe" money to pay the mortgage.)She said that her husband went against the divorce papers and changed all the locks on the house. He also closed a joint account they had. He has had all different people call her and ask her where she is. She knows that when he gets the cell phone bill he will know who she called.  She mentioned him having guns in the house and worried that he will become violent.

           I am hesitant to say a whole lot. You can understand my paranoia I hope. Can anyone view what I have in my profile? I just don't want someone to  get information about her. Is this board really safe? You know what I mean... he decides to visit message boards and sees my story which sounds familiar and looks up my profile and gets information. Is that crazy of me to think that?

              For those of you who have gotten out how do you deal with the kids visiting their dad? Did he ever calm down enough to have a relationship with them that you felt comfortable with?My sister says if he keeps doing crazy unexpected things she isn't going to be anywhere near him even if it means the kids don't see him.

           She asked me...How did I end up in this relationship? How do I prevent it from happening again. I gave her some of your advice about how counseling is so important and also signs of an abusive man... few friends,somewhat who lavishes you with attention at first and you don't realize it is actually control.

I am a stay at home Mom, my husband works but his job is only seasonal so he works for 8 months of the year and is off for 4 months..  How we make it work is  when he is off of work he gets EI * employment insurance* now I sit down and figure bills over 900 time in the run of the month and pinch to the end of it.. 

      I figure on what he was getting last year at the same time and  I divide our bills in half for the month or roughly..  I take the amount he gets and give him certain bills to pay .These amounts are rough estimates but close to the real ones.

 Example: Husband 498/ bi weekly ..  so that is 996 a month .. *canadian* These are amounts for a Month-

                     Loan payment-335

                     Car Ins-64

                     Cell Phone-50

                     House repairs-100

                     Gas-120

                     Van repairs- 50

                     Dentist-100

now that leaves him with 176 left over for the month that he can use for clothes, to help with groceries, stuff for the kids  etc...

 My half of the budget is made up because I get the CCTB* Family Allowance * and the UCCS *child care supplement* i am a stay at home mom, I've recently looked into  working from home and things such as selling avon so that I could supplement things for  our family, as it stands  to get  childcare for 3 children  ranging in age from 4years to 8 weeks it would run me approxiamately $50 a day , then  by the time I travel to work because we live in the country  it would take another $100 for gas a week  and by the time they take out taxes from  paycheck.. I wouldn't have any paycheck..  so in my case staying home with my three children is further ahead for me..

                                 So from that I cover  - cell phone-60

                                                                       House phone-150 * trying to get it cought up*

                                                                       Groceries-400

                                                                       Satillite-100

                                                                       Med&Dentist-100

                                                                       Butcher- 100

                                                                       Kids-100

                                                                       Savings& Extra-128

 I have a binder I write everything down in  every penny that we spend to keep track of.. the envelope method works  .. I personally use Mason jars  and put it in there... and If we run out of money before the end of the month happens then thats how it works  we have to learn.. My husband was  and for that matter still is the type to spend now think about it later.. But i'm getting him used to the other way SLOWLY!!...  He was raised  and never had to worry about money never learned to  budget nuffin if he wanted it and didn't have the money his parents would buy it for him, my upbringing was  different , my parents both worked but  had bills to pay and as my brother and I got older we received clothes and we could pick one large gift if it was over $200 it was one gift to split  for the family, like the year we got our computer..

   With Christmas coming and three small children what we are doing is buying things they NEED.. such as clothes.. and they will each get one toy .. we do the idea of three gifts from mommy& daddy.. three gifts from santa.. We only buy for my mother/step father, mother in law, my brother, his sister  and my grandmother.. they are the immediate family.. for the rest I usually get a picture of the kids taken and buy one package then make several copies in wallet size and give them to the rest of the family and friends with their christmas cards...  I have step brothers and step nephew, step sister in laws but I don't know any of them that well so what we have talked about doing for them is when i do my christmas baking is just get a couple decorative tins from the dollarstore and fill them and give them as gifts tot hem.. I would be making them things anyways so to stretch it a lil further isn't that difficult..  My mom and grandmother and brother always buy the kids lots and so does my mother in law so their christmas will still be good just a lil smaller than years before, because I used to work but with three kids  child is just too expensive so in a way I am saving us money..

My biggest tip is you just have to sit down and crunch the numbers and figure things out.. Sure I don't know if my husband's EI is gonna be going in time for christmas so I though ahead and we put money aside for his bills, and i already applied to our local food bank for a christmas box as I know if i need to cover everything  plus gifts i won't have much money and that would be extra to help us get by and a lil extra in the cupboard.. Our butcher is a friend of ours, I can get all my meat and seafood from him  and charge it and pay him once a month i budget for a $100 for him but if i do something like order from him a half a side of Pork then i know its gonna be a little more but that means that I don't need to purchase that for up to 6 month so its further a head for me.. besides he has deals  and i usually get better prices than some people..  I figure ways around things, like my husband works in the agriculture industry on a vegtable farm, so while he was working  whatever he brought home that could be canned or frozen in the freezer  I did up and frozen or canned so that is less I will need to buy  during the harder months, we got our Potatoes all ahead , and squash, sure your kids might not like everything but they will learn if you keep giving it to them a little at a time.. eventually they will get to eating it..

and for all of you since you obivously have access to a computer..

                 USE FREECYCLE in your area, this is a great place to get clothes, furniture,  things that you can use as gifts, EVERYTHING and its free  al you would need to pay is your gas to go pick it up..   its a free service so use it. thats why its there.. I have gotten many things for my children this way from toys to clothes  to my daughter's new bed was from freecycle.. You just make do with what you have and what you can get for as little as possible.. Your debt if you have a little extra left just slowly work to paying that off.. Remember no one can refuse a payment even if its $10  its still $10 that  is paid on it.. eventually you will get better at budgetting and you will be able to put more towards that debt.. you just work on it..  and realize  that worrying 24/7 won't do anything  you have to act on it..

Cryssie

Laws may be different in different places, but I was advised by the domestic violence court case worker to change the locks on my home after my H was forced to leave by a retraining order, so it's not illegal to change the locks where I live, regardless of the status of the marriage/divorce. Neither of us has actually filed for divorce yet, but it is coming.

He found out that I changed the locks because he got the bill for my cell phone, did a reverse directory look-up and realized that I had phoned locksmiths.

Replace regular lightbulbs with those that are energy saving.

Wash clothes in cold water.

Purchase products either made from and/or packaged in recycled materials.

Car pool, use public transportation, WALK or bicycle.

Take shorter showers - turn down the thermostat on water heaters.

Share books, magazines and other publications with friends.

RECYCLE - It's good for the bottle, it's good for the can.  It's good for us and our future.

The tree-hugging liberal.  I wear the label proudly.

peace

Lyn