Messages By: cinemaven

 Breastfeeding in Public

I breastfed in public and the only comments I received were positive ones. I was always discreet so people rarely noticed and although I refused to ever feed my children in a washroom, I could always find an out of the way bench.  Once in a while, I'll see a mom feeding her child in a food court and that warm rush of feelings comes over me. It was such a precious time and it was over much too soon.

The only time I ever made someone really uncomfortable with my breastfeeding was at a family dinner when I was such an old hand at it I just "whipped 'em out" at the table and my poor dad turned deep pink. I was so used to not having to be discreet around my hubby, mom and sisters, I'd forgotten about dad. I covered up, he pretended he hadn't seen a thing and my son just kept on eating. 


Child Discipline

I can't imagine a scenario where my children would need to be disciplined by someone other than myself or my husband. They're nauseatingly well behaved and were never prone to tantrums. Only once did my son demand something in a shop and I removed him from the situation firmly, deserting a cart of groceries. He never tried it again. I was very much a corporally punished child but my husband and I have never had to resort to spanking. Our firm voices are enough to stop my guys in their tracks but mainly we parent with humour.

I've been tempted to give "the look" to a few moms in Walmart but it's generally because they're shopping with wee ones at 10 p.m. and the kids are beyond tired and the moms are frazzled and they both are whining at each other. I try to always remember how blessed I am that my husband was there to look over our kids in bed at 10 p.m. if I had to run to the shops and that not everyone is in the same situation.  As tempted as I've been to discipline a parent though, it would never cross my mind to discipline someone elses child.

Sex & Drugs & Rock'n'roll

I'm a big believer in sex and drug education that is truthful and complete. I think that  parents should be able to exempt their children from sex ed classes but I wouldn't exempt my children even though we've always answered their questions at home.

I think that too much focus is placed on the end effects of drugs and sex without telling kids why people want to risk so much to have sex or take drugs. We fill them up on AIDS, STD's and addiction warnings without informing them of any of the pleasures.

My children are aware that drugs and alcohol make you feel GREAT. Both take away inhibitions and make you feel powerful and the temporary euphoria is enough to make you want to take drugs or alcohol again and again. They know it's a seductive process that their bodies will reach for if they start down that slope.

After we gave them that info, we let them know about the negative effects. That way, if they ever try drugs, they'll remember that we told them the truth about the "positives" so they'll be more inclined to believe us about the negatives. We took a very similar approach to sex ed and when my eldest son was 13, he felt no fear about going into planned parenthood to pick up some condoms so he could show them off to his friends as the most incredible water balloons ever made.



I'm really looking forward to this new season of shows. I know there will be topics that will make me crazy and some others that will leave me scratching my head but I expect that they will be entertaining, informative and interesting just as last seasons show were.

Today's Kansas City Star had 2 articles to update the case. Dan Porter is in jail awaiting trial on kidnapping charges and it's been over a year since there's been word on the children. Nothing but dead ends in the case and Porter has told police that he killed the children but he's also told them they are alive and safe.  

Sadly, the list of events prior to and after his taking the kids makes it look very much like the worst may have happened.  

  

He cancelled the children's life insurance 

  

Told a friend he'd never let his kids have a stepfather and later told him he'd figured out how to get out of child support. 

  

"After the children disappeared, Porter went to the house of his friend Rocky Hall and said, “Your mouth would hit the ground if you knew some of the things I’ve done.” The morning Porter was arrested, his half brother, Devin McGuire, asked him whether he killed the children. McGuire said Porter responded, “I’ve done something to the kids I don’t want you to know, because I don’t want you to go to your grave knowing what I’ve done.” (Kansas City Star) 

  

Jackson County Prosecutor Mike Sanders says there's no evidence that the children are alive. 

  

Porter's own father and half sister don't believe his stories that the children are alive. 

  

Following the Dr. Phil show, Lisa Atkins did give the letters to the police and she failed parts of one lie detector and passed another one. She believes the children are "with the Amish" who have no T.V. or newspapers so they don't know the kids are missing. (my own expletives would be deleted if I expressed what I thought of her and her opinions) 

  

Dan Porter goes on trial for kidnapping in November. He is currently serving 10 years in prison on weapons charges. Police found several of his guns in a river following his arrest.  

  

  

My prayers are with Tina Porter and my most hopeful thoughts are with Sam and Lindsey.  

  

  

  

When my son was 16, we went through a period of me hating everything he wore and him seeming to want to shock me at every turn with his choices. 

  

My husband and I took a deep breath and decided what our priorities were. We sat my son down after our own talk and asked him how he felt we were being unfair. He said it seemed like no matter what he wore, we noticed and commented negatively. I hadn't realized we were doing that, even though I shuddered when I saw him *lol*  

We instituted a "time out" rule where he could make that signal when we were "doing it again" and we'd stop and give him a chance to talk to us. When he was getting ornery, we made the time out sign and he'd stop and listen.  

  

We agreed that his hair was all his. We wouldn't comment on anything he chose to do with it. 

He was going through a punk phase and all of his friends had mulitple piercings (what are those parents thinking????). We agreed that he could have one piercing so long as it was somewhere that wouldn't show when he removed it once his adult self became mortified at his childish self. He pierced his eyebrow and it promptly became infected even though he took care of it. He's 18 now and has never mentioned piercings or tattoo's again :) and you can't see any evidence of his previous piercing.  

  

Our biggest buggaboo was the underwear showing over the jeans and he agreed to wear a belt and shortly after, started buying jeans in his own size. A wonderful girl told him he had a cute butt so now his jeans are all fitted and neat. His hair has now been about 6 colours and was long for 2 years but suddenly, it's back to his own lovely golden brown and it's short and tidy with no nagging from us.  

  

Talking and compromise on both sides really worked well for us.  

When my son wanted hair colour or his piercing, we didn't pay for it. He had to earn his own money and he saved for ages to pay a hairdresser to put his hair in dreadlocks. When he finally finished saving, he decided to use the money for an IPod instead and now he's outgrown dreadlocks. I'm quite sure in retrospect that if my husband or I had gone against our "your hair is yours so you can do what you want with it", he would have dreadlocks today. 

  

Once my son let us know that we were always criticizing him, we took a look at our own behaviour and, in fact, we were usually disagreeing with his choices. When we dropped our "attitudes", his also seemed to disappear.  

  

Kids want and need both boundaries and freedom. It's a tough balance but the best example you can set for the 6 year old is that you are willing to listen and respect her older sister's ideas. You don't have to give in to inappropriate clothing but maybe a belly shirt with jeans would work or allowing her to use age appropriate make up. My sis has a girl's day out with her 13 y/o daughter once a month where they get manicures/pedicures and my neice gets to choose whatever colour polish she wants. They also go to the department store and try out fragrances and get mini makeovers. My niece wore makeup at first but quickly tired of it when the novelty wore off. :) 

  

I had a friendship of almost 10 years with a woman who was incredibly funny and fun to be with. We shared so many interests and our sons were only a few days apart in age. There were so many reasons to admire her but she was/is an incredibly self absorbed and high maintenance person.  

  

I spent years trying to only see the good parts of this friendship and ignoring the toxic parts but after a while, it became impossible to see the way the toxic parts were effecting me and my family. I'm a bit naive about some things so it took me a long time to understand that she was a prescription medication abuser as well as an alcoholic. I tried to help her but her downward spiral continued over several years until it became hard to hold on.  

I began seeing the differences in us and stopped being able to see any common goals or morals. She lied so easily, she was as vocally happily married as I am but I found out she had an affair which really goes against my morality but suddenly, as her friend, I was put in the position of knowing about it.  

Her husband also had affairs so their marriage broke up and she made herself the priority instead of their son. Her self medication got worse and she lost site of her role as a parent. I realized I was spending hours on the phone with her trying to get through to her, trying to find the good person I used to know but finally, she broke the camel's back and I had to tell her I could no longer be her friend. 

  

I miss the woman I used to know but every day of the past 6 months has been a relief and the past month or so, I stopped feeling guilty about having "deserted" her and began to enjoy my life without all the conflict in it.  

  

I'm a reasonably intelligent person who never would have entered into a friendship like this one but it was the slow devolution of it that held me so tight. I like who I am much better without her in my life and I can't believe how much of my day was spent holding her hand or talking through her problems.  

As a first time mom of a 2 y/o (many years ago) I took him to the doctor to explain that he was starving himself. The doctor took one look at my li'l butterball and laughed at me!!  

  

She asked me to keep a food diary and make sure my babysitter (my parents) also did so.  

I couldn't believe how much he was eating.  

Breakfast, I'd cut up apple and banana and orange slices and he'd pick and leave about 1/2 on his plate. He'd be off to my parents where he'd have "a few wee slices of cheese" and a cup of soup for lunch. Snacks of cheerios, crackers with peanut butter, papa's tomatos fresh from the garden. Dinner of a little of this and a little of that. It really added up when you looked at it all together.  

It really had seemed to me that he was only eating a tiny bit of what we gave him but we were giving him enough to feed 5 kids his size.  

  

When we moved the year he was 2, we found caches of cheerios (and dustbunnies) under the fridge and stove and he wanted to bring his treasure trove with us!! (ick!!!)  

  

He's 18 now, 6'4" tall and about 120 pounds (think Jack Skellington from nightmare before christmas) and he has the appetite of someone 3X his size.  

My views on spanking were formed at the hand of my mother. 

  

She was a wonderful woman who was one of 13 children and I suspect corporal punishment was meted out freely in their home. My mom hit us a lot. She called them spankings but they were violent slaps across the face and often had no relation to our actions. Many times, we could tell when things weren't going well for her because of the severity and lack of reason for her lashing out. I was the most frequent target because I had the best relationship with my dad and (from the distance and perspective of an adult) I think she was jealous of that. 

  

My mom was a good and loving person. She was generous to a fault. She hit because she wasn't given any other tools to deal with problems. 

My dad was blessed with 4 daughters and he claimed that the only reason he didn't spank us was because we were girls but I suspect he would never have spanked a son either. We all respected him immensely and his disapproval did more to keep us in line than my mom's beatings. 

  

As a child, I HATED HER each time she hit me. The beatings never had the effect of making me sorry for my actions or reflective. I just hated her. I took years to get over that but happily, I did so before I lost her. 

  

As a parent, I'm lucky to have married someone who shares my hatred of corporal punishment. We parent with love and humour and both our boys have grown into amazing young men (13 & 18) who are well behaved and kind. We began parenting them when they were born. Bedtimes were strict but, by using family rituals and consistency, we never had a problem with the boys obeying. We've also always been insistent on their letting us know where they are when they're out and both obey that rule to the letter. 

If one of us is unfair or hurtful to another, we aplologize. My boys are free to let us know if they think we're being unfair and we're free to tell them when they are being unfair. My own childhood didn't include many (any) apologies unless you count my being forced to say sorry for something I felt uwrongly punished for.  

  

  

I have to say that not spanking made me a more thoughtful and better prepared parent. Parenting through fear and intimidation is easier than parenting with calm reasoning and loving firmness. A beaten and cowed child does whatever they're told until they're old enough to hit back in some way. 

  

  

Friends and family always comment on the close relationship my 18 year old has with my husband and I and with his little brother. I'm often told I'm lucky that my boys never went through a rebellious stage. My sis-in-law who has very different parenting views than my husband and I have seems to wait gleefully for the day my boys rebel but as time goes on, she is disappointed.  

Her own children are fearful but even with the fear, they talk back more than my guys do and they are always fighting with each other, lashing out amongst themselves after their parents have lashed out against them. I remember this same phenomenon with my own sisters in our childhood. We were separated from each other by our anger and the walls we put up against the unfairness and inequity of our punishments. I'm blessed that all of us were able to mend our relationships and have great friendships with each other now but I'm convinced that a lot of the healing came from losing our parents and having to face the fact that they were only human and may have made mistakes.  

When I spoke with my mom as an adult and a parent about my childhood, she was stunned and appalled. She firmly believed that she "spanked" us. She did not recall ever "spanking" any of us in anger and she pointed to how well we all turned out as evidence of the success of her methods. I held back from letting her know that it was actually in spite of her methods. We turned out well because of the good parenting of my father and because of the positive parts of my mom's nature but the "spanking" could very well have stopped that if we'd had different natures. 

  

Ask your children what is in their minds as you're hitting them. I don't doubt that you are in no way an abuser but I think you'd be surprised by what they think of those tactics.  

Take yourself back to how you felt as a child when someone so much larger and stronger was able to lash out at you. I agree with you that there are many types of abuse and, like you, I don't think a swat on the bum is abuse but I also don't think it's the best way to correct behaviour. We're bigger than they are and, fortunately, we have more life experience than they do so we should be able to use our words and set an example by our own behaviour. Since you can't remember the last time you spanked, I think it sounds like what you were doing was working well but it was more likely the fact that you listen and value your children and you obviously respect them.  

  

My guys don't have temper tantrums ... I think that's just their nature, not an example of my good parenting. They don't slam doors except the screen door which slams on it's own and they're polite and happy but they're not Stepford kids. It's easy to be a good parent if you have good kids :) 

When this show first aired, I remember being appalled at the clinginess of the mom but today, as I help my baby pack for college, my separation anxiety is in direct proportion to his excitement at almost being ready to leave my nest. 

  

From the time my son was born, I knew he'd one day be going away to school. In fact, as he was identified gifted and excelled in everything he did, we knew he'd be the first doctor or lawyer in the family. It's cute how confident we are as parents as we're mapping out our child's life. He was 15 when he decided he was a stand up comic. A phase.... we assumed it was one of those lovely daydreams. He used his own money to take the bus into the city to perform (for free) at comedy club open mic's. He spent hours a day writing material and called local restaurants & coffee houses to ask for some stage time, convining them that they didn't even need a stage. He started a comedy group at his high school and it became apparent that this was more than a daydream. He is a stand up comedian and there's nothing he or we can do about it except support it and hope it brings him happiness. He found a college with a 2 yr. comedy program and was quickly accepted.  

  

It struck me about a week ago as I bought him a new bedspread and dishes that sometimes, they don't come home. I was stunned at the thought since I'm expecting him to come home for every holiday (and weekend) and to live here during the summer but I know that his course choice means that he will probably end up sharing an apartment with a bunch of kids in the big city during the summer so he can continue to perform.  

  

Every day that brings me closer to "losing him" makes me a bit more crazy. Suddenly, I'm asking him if he'll call me every day,  "Uh, I don't think so mom" and if he'll make sure to always have msn on... I'm not that kind of mom!!! I know he's ready and I thought I was ready but it seems I have a bit more growing up to do. Hopefully, I won't go over the edge but if I do, at least I know I'll be giving him fodder for his act *lol* 

You bet it taught me but when we got into this relationship, we were both so totally in mommy mode and I thought we were on the same page about most other things as well. An alcoholic or drug abuser can cover up for a long time but eventually, it becomes apparent and when it was clear to me, I was deep into the friendship. 

  

My friend also blames me for having deserted her at the worst time in her life but I'd hung in for 4 bad years and 6 good ones. I can't see anyone else having stuck out what I did and it put my own family through a wringer. I've had one of our mutual friends call me angrily to tell me that now that I've dropped "M", she's calling this friend constantly and it's straining their friendship *lol*... and she's only had to put up with it for less than a year.  

  

It baffles me that I put up with so much though since that's not my personality. I've always kept alcohol / drugs / infidelity out of my life and yet for 4 years, they were central to it because of her. When I compared my friendship with her to my relationship with my other wonderful friends, it was clear that it wasn't a friendship... it was a Vampiric dependency and I was letting myself be sucked dry.  

This is all such a recent development for me. I'm excited and happy for my son and these feelings I'm having are ALL ABOUT ME *lol*. I know he'll do well. I know we did a great job preparing him to leave the nest and I still have a chick left but it's the uncertainty of these days leading up to "losing him" that are causing me so much bother. The longest he's ever been away was 9 days and I didn't much care for that. I'll miss having him around every day. I'll really miss those latenight talks that have become such a staple for us this past year and I'll even miss going into the fridge to find that he's drank the milk right down to a drip and put the container back in.  

  

I guess we have to face a few things about ourselves at times like these. For me, I have to make sure I don't start smothering my li'l guy and I have to remember that I'm a whole person living a great life so letting my son get on with his life should be a proud moment for me, not something to mourn but there's still a bit of mourning because this past year, getting to know this boy turned to a man has been amazing and it feels like it's too soon.  

  

I do know I won't be one of "those" mothers. He has a friend who went to college last year and her mom leased the apartment for her and kept a key. She turned up several times a week to do laundry and clean and just hang out. It was excruciating for her daughter. I won't be hangin' out *lol*. I'll talk to him on msn and I'll let him decide when he needs to come home without making him feel guilty about being away.  

  

I think/hope that I'll have the same positive experience you've had. Home is a happy place so I believe he'll want to visit and I'm sure he'll miss us a li'l bit too.