Messages By: utahinbc

Wow, I can't believe there are so many others like me dealing with in laws.  I thought I was just crazy. 

My FIL is my problem.  He is from another country, and has strong opinions on that his culture is right, and anything else is rude.  He is extremely loud and has to be the center of attention.  He complains at restaurants that the food is not up to his standards.  He makes a scene at retail stores.  He is a know it all.  

What set me off is the fact that he invited 2 families to stay at my husbands and my home WITHOUT asking permission from either of us.  That means I have to do the entertaining, cooking, cleaning, etc.  My husband says it's just their culture. Actually, we're just common law, and now I don't know if I want to marry into this family. 

Another thing.  I told FIL that my parents were buying us a DVD player for Christmas, just so there wouldn't be any duplicate gifts.  He went out and Bought a DVD and Tv for Christmas for us.  I was in tears.  Luckily, my family lives far away.  He said it was "such a good deal" that he couldn't pass it up. 

At Christmas we spend two weeks at their home.  It makes me insane with the yelling.  And going visiting to people I have never met, while they all speak a foreign language.  I am very shy, and I don't like to intrude on someone I have never met. 

I feel all this resentment towards him that it is taking over my life.  I know I am letting him do this to me.  Any advice on how to resolve this? 

Thank you in advance 

I forgot to add to my original post.  Does anyone have any book suggestions on how to deal with these people and/or deal with my feelings about myself? 

Thanks! 

I wrote previously about my inlaws from Slovakia.  Since then, we have had a discussion for the better and things are ok. 

Here's my question.   I am living in Canada, so maybe it's the norm here, and some Canadian readers can clarify.  I am from the Western US, and when we go to visit relatives, it lasts about a week, as not to impose on hosts. 

My in laws are planning on staying for 3 weeks.  I think this is a tad long and will wear me out.  To top if off, they invited friends without clearing it with my fiancee or I.   I don' think the friends will be staying the whole time.  WE have plenty of room,  but how am I going to entertain for 3 weeks?  I am the shy retiring type who'd rather read a book.  The inlaws only live about 8 hours away.  My parents live about 16 hours away.  Am I wrong in thinking that it is a tad too long for a visit?  They see their son twice a year, I see my parents once.  Please tell me if I am being petty. 

On another note, a friend of mine went to visit her relatives in Halifax for a month.  She left her kids at home with her ex husband due to costs.  She is staying with her inlaws.  I think that is crazy. 

Maybe I'm crazy?  I just like being alone. 

Hi all,

I had a counselor once diagnose me with BPD.  What are the symptoms?  I've read a little on the internet.  This counselor also told me it was likely I was sexually abused, which never happened.  Any info would be great.

I think Christmas is forced down our throats.  There is pressure to buy the "perfect gift."   Diamonds, electronics, cell phones..  I worked in retail for many years, and saw how ugly people were over grabbing that item before someone else got it, or griping about waiting in line, or complaining about prices.  All this for stuff that got returned the day after Christmas.  I don't think people really care about the gift.  It makes me angry to be guilt tripped into spending money on people I hardly know, but am expected to give a gift to.  I hate crowds and shopping for the "perfect gift."  It's a lot of pressure.  Thank goodness for the internet.  I shopped online for the first time this year, and I loved it.

My dad used to make us lay all of our presents out on our beds, and our relatives were paraded through our rooms to see how much stuff "Santa" brought.  The process was repeated at each uncle's house.  I was humiliated. I was very shy as a child and hated being paraded in front of relatives in a new outfit for the holidays and expected to be "cute."

I was terrified of sitting on Santa's lap, and I still see kids crying when their parents force them to do it.  I think it's all for the parents' "Christmas memories."  Forcing a child to sit on a stranger's lap is mean.

I totally sympathize with your situation, although mine isn't nearly that bad.  I feel you should spend time with the family members you do want to see on Christmas.

My spouse expects me to spend two weeks every Christmas with his parents.  I now have a job where I can't take that time off.  My parents live in the States, so I don't get to see them as often.  Two weeks is a long time for a visit to me, I'm just not used to it.  I don't mind a few days, but sleeping in a small bedroom on a futon for 14 nights is not fun.  Also the house is overcrowded with other guests.  I don't get what all the "togetherness" is all about.  I like my space.

I'm expected to dress up for Christmas Eve, which I'm not used to, as my family is casual.  I hate dressing up.  Then we're expected to open gifts in front of other invited guests, who are not members of the family, and are not receiving gifts to open.  It is so embarrassing.

If, during the stay, I want time to read by myself, or I don't want to watch The Sound of Music for the thousandth time,  I'm being "unsocial, according to my spouse.  If I have a headache or don't feel chatty, I'm unsocial.  The family often lapses into their native language, which I don't speak, and I'm supposed to sit through it.  And they talk for HOURS.....

His parents are lovely people, and very accomodating, but I would like Christmas for once to be a day for me to enjoy, not put on a fake smile for other people (I have severe depression) and make small talk (I'm shy).  I'm left home every afternoon for two weeks while the family goes skiing (I am terrified of skiing and had a relative almost die in a related accident, so I don't want to learn).