Thanks marcia for writing to me. I knew I was not alone in this. This is not ALL in my head. As it is true that past experiences have shaped the way I do things today. And I am sure there is room for improvement in that area. But there are times when reality can not be sugar coated. You have to grab on to it and solve it. No questions, no waffling, just do it.
I have problems this way, because I am a little too black and white for my own good. There are no grey areas as far as I am concerned. I do not tolerate people who live in these grey areas. It is very hard to live in a society where about 80% of the people are grey.
I have Dr. PHils book self matters, but I have a hard time getting through the first half. Not that I think Dr. Phil is wrong, it;s just when I get to thinking about all the bull that has gone on in my life and the things I would like to do to fix it, but for one reason or another I can not, I get so angry. So, I have to put the book away. I may have to get it back out and try again, because I think that I am at a point now, that I want all my past stuff gone. I have worked my self away from all the negative people in my life and I think this is the last step. I get angry, because I am done with all of it and anytime it comes near, I get upset.
I work on an ambulance, emergency medicine. I give to people everyday. People that are having the worst day of thier lives and I can make it better in some small way. I want some of that coming back to me. Some will say I am addicted to stress, well, they might be right. Because of my job, it's the stress that keeps things going. But over reacting, no....There is no time to over react. Everything has to right and right now.
Thanks again for writing, I look forward to talking with you again......Norma
This book can be harrowing to say the least. Many of us had to "shelve it" after a few chapters because of emotional responses we were not ready for. And many have had to resort to counseling when we decided that the memories were too much to handle alone.
You cannot change the past, but you can change the way you have internalized the emotions from past events. Do you see that it is the emotions that you carried away from them that continue to hold you hostage? You can free yourself from the pain and self punishment. This is what SELF MATTERS did for me. I was so afraid that I would get through it and it would just underline my worthlessness. But no, I came to understand that I was a very good person who made some mistakes and bad decisions out of faulty thinking and reasoning processes. Keep at it, it can be life-changing.
Thanks marcia for writing to me. I knew I was not alone in this. This is not ALL in my head. As it is true that past experiences have shaped the way I do things today. And I am sure there is room for improvement in that area. But there are times when reality can not be sugar coated. You have to grab on to it and solve it. No questions, no waffling, just do it.
I have problems this way, because I am a little too black and white for my own good. There are no grey areas as far as I am concerned. I do not tolerate people who live in these grey areas. It is very hard to live in a society where about 80% of the people are grey.
I have Dr. PHils book self matters, but I have a hard time getting through the first half. Not that I think Dr. Phil is wrong, it;s just when I get to thinking about all the bull that has gone on in my life and the things I would like to do to fix it, but for one reason or another I can not, I get so angry. So, I have to put the book away. I may have to get it back out and try again, because I think that I am at a point now, that I want all my past stuff gone. I have worked my self away from all the negative people in my life and I think this is the last step. I get angry, because I am done with all of it and anytime it comes near, I get upset.
I work on an ambulance, emergency medicine. I give to people everyday. People that are having the worst day of thier lives and I can make it better in some small way. I want some of that coming back to me. Some will say I am addicted to stress, well, they might be right. Because of my job, it's the stress that keeps things going. But over reacting, no....There is no time to over react. Everything has to right and right now.
Thanks again for writing, I look forward to talking with you again......Norma
I would look into some stress reduction methods, like yoga, or meditation. You have one of the most stressful jobs I can imagine! Carrying around high amounts of adrenaline for any length of time can be a hazard to your health, but I'm sure you already know that. I learned self-hypnosis about 2 years ago, and it is invaluable for relaxing in the midst of stress.
My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago. We left all of our friends and family. Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away. Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move. With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!
When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse! "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..."
I am going crazy! I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me. I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people. Even when his family is there he wants to leave! Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!
I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people. I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy. I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions. But, he still wants me sheltered. Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs. What do I do? I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior. Please help!
Questions:
Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise? Give in, give up that control?
What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?
How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?
When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??
I agree with jettav's advice. I would have a talk with your husband first though, starting out like "I love you but we are different types of people. I need..." This way you clarify yourself and there are no misconceptions on his part as to your desires. I might also add something like, "I would really love you to join me, if you want." Try to find things that he would get a kick out of too, that you might not care to do, but will go along to make him happy, like sports events or drag racing, etc. Marriage and child raising are the 2 toughest jobs you will ever have and it's definitely an ongoing process.
Thank you. You put some things into perspective. I suppose I never considered that Mackay would hide his injury instinctually. That did give me some peace.
You will be happy to hear he is doing better. The wound still shows obvious signs of infection, but he can limp around, he is eating again, and is interested in being pet and scratched. He is also a quite affectionate goat and has been the perfect patient, so treating his has been simple, as he has allowed all of the surely painful things to be done in order to clean the wound, plus endured multiple injections of antibiotics.
I still feel the guilt, yet it is lessening. Understanding that I have learned from this eases that a lot. I doubt I will ever repeat a mistake such as this. Thanks again for all of your kindness!
Teri
I guess I read your original post too quickly, I thought you had said Mackay passed away. So glad to hear he's still around! I'm glad I was able to help you. I lived on 2 different farms growing up, and have experience with animals. We do ourselves and them no favors by trying to project "human-isms" on them. Although sometimes pets can learn to communicate with us, their nature will usually come to the fore in a crisis. Knowing and understanding this helps us to be better caregivers.
One of the best tools I ever got to help me with my low self-esteem was Dr. Lawlis' lose weight meditation cd's. I got the 1st set ever done and I was able to use it as a tool for me going to bed at night. The first one is my cd of choice. I never liked those fancy ones that you have to wear headphones with while this music & voice goes up and down -- it just doesn't feel right with me. But the set I got allowed me to listen to his words and challenge them.
From the cd, I learned to BREATHE when I'm nervous or scared. I heard for the 1st time over and over again how I deserved the very best in life and most importantly, how he believed in me. And I believe it was true! cause he does care. It's not like he hasn't been helping people like me for over 30 years! Cause he has!!
I was supposed to just listen to 1 for 30 days, than the other, and move on to the next. But I never did. I just kept playing the 1st CD for 30 days and then the 2nd one. Then eventually, I just played the 1st one when I needed strength. Just knowing that he was telling me I was a good person and I was deserving helped me tackle whatever fears I had.
Did anyone else get those CD's? Did they work for you? I'm curious to see what other's thought about them.
I don't have Dr Lawlis' tapes, but I listen to one made by my hypnotherapist. It can be so helpful in giving you knew "scripts." Everytime I'd head for the refrigerator, or be tempted to eat something served or offered to me that I really didn't want, all kinds of new tapes run in my head. (As opposed to the old ones like, "this once won't hurt," and "I deserve it, I've been good.") He also gave me a stress reduction tape that has been invaluable.
Longstory is away in North Carolina for an annual family reunion - will be back mid-week. Normally I would have helped out by steping up to the plate and putting the daily calendar up but things have been frantic around here and this new format for the boards leaves a lot to be desired!!!!
I could never fill in with the finesse LS has, but I thought I would share some lyrics from a song by my favorite band- Runrig. It's for all of us touching our authentic selves, and those of us making the attempt.
Maymorning
I'm alive again on a maymorning
Gonna wipe the slate clean
Follow my dreams
All the yearning buds are here again
With the promise of a new life to come
Spring is here again
The sun is melting over the hills
All our roads are waiting
To be revealed
For this day in history has brought us to here
Now it's all there for the taking
The day is what you see
The light's returning, the work is in hand
All the cynics have vanished
From where we stand
All the chances wasted are drawing me near
And all around there's new life rising
From the winter fields
It is so nice not to have a reaction which is shock or disbelief. It has been a learning experience growing up with my family. I know how that Paranoid guy got into the watch tower. I know how things aren't always what they seem. Goodness knows, I know all about manipulation and how not to get "taken".
Yes, we have a choice. I have to remind myself of that every time a family member calls. I remind myself of that often, not because I want to remember, but because I want to forget. The guilt sucks me back in, I haven't found anything but the anger to pull me out.
God love you for not seeing it as a shadow on me. I don't want to make the mistake as portraying them as monsters. They aren't. They were just my monsters. I suppose, I carry a quiet belief that I am somehow contaminated. That that contamination spreads and I am selfish in exposing myself to others. I guess that's one of the reasons that infertility is so hard to deal with. I feel like I contaminated my husband and our relationship. That may be a breakthrough of sorts in recognizing that influence.
Thanks again,
Kim
If you haven't already, I urge you get a copy of SELF MATTERS. Like you, I was able to give everybody else the benefit of the doubt, except myself. My harshest judgments I reserved for myself: all the bad things wouldn't have happened if I had been smarter, quicker, etc. Free yourself from these judgments and self-condemnation, they are faulty. Begin to see yourself and the world from a new viewpoint, not the painful one imposed upon you by your family. I see someone who is warm, caring, articulate, and completely self-effacing. (You heard me right, I don't think you're arrogant at all!) You have wonderful gifts to share with the world, and yourself. You are more effective in the world when you are operating from a firm foundation.
Thank you for stepping in and sharing this wonderful poem with us! This is the feeling I have when I wake up, filled with excitement, knowing today is the first day of me living life authentically. I don't have to allow other's past experiences and interpretations to color my own. I got elated reading this poem! Thanks, cuz I need that!
Only two more days until we leave, and I am getting very excited! We will be gone about 3 weeks, and I will miss this board, yet I shall return when I get back. I will be carrying your wisdoms with me as I go! I want you to know I appreciate you.
Teri
I wish you a great time with the one you love. I appreciate you too.
Here's a picture I snapped from the highway, this is the big climb hubby and I are taking this weekend. Yes, I finally set the date, sometimes you just have to let go and have a little faith. Each is over 14,000ft high, the trailhead starts just under 10,000ft. The entire hike, round trip going to both summits is about 8 miles, so it's not as far as I first thought. Longstory, sorry I didn't wait, but I felt the time was "right", if you can understand that. There's enough time to plan other hikes this year too, so maybe we can do another later. Thanks for all the support and tips everybody has given me to make it this far, I couldn't have done it without you, and you will all be with me in spirit as I climb.
I was cleaning out my bookshelves this past weekend and found this. It used to hang on my refrigerator and I would read it before I opened the door. Hope somebody finds it as helpful as I did.
I overate for happiness - and became unhappy.
I overate for joy - and became miserable.
I overate to be outgoing - and became self-centered.
I overate to be sociable - and became argumentative and lonely.
I overate for friendship - and made enemies.
I overate to soften sorrow - and awakened without rest.
I overate for strength - and felt weak.
I overate for relaxation - and became more tense.
I overate for assurance - and became doubtful.
I overate for warmth - and lost my cool.
I overate to feel Heavenly - and found Hell.
I overate to forget - and became haunted by my excess fat.
I overate for freedom - and became a slave to food.
I overate for power - and became powerless.
I overate to erase problems - and saw them multiply.
I overate to cope with life - and invited an earlier death.
I overate because I had the RIGHT - and everything turned out wrong.
So I made it a rule, I don't eat unless I'm truly hungry!
Here's a picture I snapped from the highway, this is the big climb hubby and I are taking this weekend. Yes, I finally set the date, sometimes you just have to let go and have a little faith. Each is over 14,000ft high, the trailhead starts just under 10,000ft. The entire hike, round trip going to both summits is about 8 miles, so it's not as far as I first thought. Longstory, sorry I didn't wait, but I felt the time was "right", if you can understand that. There's enough time to plan other hikes this year too, so maybe we can do another later. Thanks for all the support and tips everybody has given me to make it this far, I couldn't have done it without you, and you will all be with me in spirit as I climb.
