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Messages By: harobe


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July 28, 2005, 6:40 am CDT

Previous discussion w/b4time & shawbehan

Shawbehan -   Your points were well taken and we are more than you realized.  In answer to your question, am I concerned the tough love approach towards the parents will hurt the children... No, in fact, I believe the children will be hurt if it's not done.  b4time expressed my thoughts exactly.  It's not about being right, not about an inattentive DIL (she doesn't have any consideration or respect for her MIL but knew the children were in excellent hands with their grandmother), and b4time can't bury a hatchet that's in their hands.  By paying the short term price of not seeing the children for awhile/less often, she's going for the long term benefit of having a valuable role in their lives for all the years to come.  If this problem is not resolved, she'll never be treated any better and most likely this will be another family who cuts all ties so she'll lose her grandchildren.  I agree with you on the boundaries issue... however, when the boat has a hole in it, it doesn't matter how it got there.  It needs to be plugged.  Also agree that there's adult children/spouses who aren't selfish/callous towards parents... but it doesn't help those who are dealing with this  "common" issue.  And I believe children should be the priority (but who would say otherwise, so goes the saying, "actions speak louder than words").  Appreciate your two cents worth.     :)

 

b4time - The definition of insanity brought back memories... we're on the same page.  Glad your feeling better about yourself and your situation.  Good to know there'll be positive results here.  :)  

 

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July 28, 2005, 7:34 am CDT

Shawbehan

That was meant to be "we agree more than you realized".  And being a DIL who is not shocked at anything due to the experiences with my ILs, I have a lot of empathy for other DILs.  I'm also a MIL now, so between the insight I've received in that role and from this forum, I've gotten a view from the other side of the fence... doesn't look a whole lot better.  None of us are victims.  If we're not part of the solution, we're part of the problem.        :)
 

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July 29, 2005, 8:36 am CDT

Hi jb7ctx

Quote From: jb7ctx

My husband has worked with his father in his fathers bussiness ever since he was a teen. He is now in his 30's. We have children. We have been married for almost 7 years now and for the last 6 years, we have never received a tax refund. My husbands gross pay is 600.00/week. His father holds out 100.00/week for child support that my husband owes and 100.00/week for taxes. His bring home pay is 400.00/week. His father claims him as a partner in his bussiness (even though he really isnt). He does this for tax purposes only. His father holds these taxes out of my husbands check but we never get a refund. The tax accountant said that my husbands refund is being rolled over to pay his social security that he owes. (now keep in mind his father holds this money out of my husbands check). So therefore we are not entitled to a refund, we have to pay! my husband told his father last year that he had better send in his taxes so we can get a refund for this year. But guess what? We have to pay again! (actually, we just dont get a refund). Shouldnt his father have to pay us our refund himself since he held the money out of his check? My husband is not a partner with his dad in his dads bussiness. My husband has never received any profits of the money made. His dad does this for his own tax purposes! I feel we are being cheated out of our refund by his father. This year my husband is doing his own bussiness and he has his own employees that he has to pay. He is no longer working for his dad. BUT...his dad is planning on claiming my husband again NEXT year as his partner. He cant do this! My husband is scared to say anything to his dad for some reason. But I am tired of it. We are entitled to unearned income due to the kids, but dont get it because of his father claiming my husband as his partner when he really isnt! How can I get my husband to "open" his eyes as to what is going on, before I decide to leave him because of it? His parents dont have anything to do with us.  They are such control freaks over my husband. They use my husband to their own gain. How can I stop this?

 

Harobe, glad to see you back! The inlaws came down about 3 weeks ago but did not get out of the truck. They had to get something from my husband. Our kids were walking right in front of the truck and my mil said hey to my son but my son just looked at her and kept on walking. Our daughter was right next to my son and she didnt even say anything to her. I was outside too and the kids were walking to me but mil acted as though she didnt see me, she just kept her head down. It has been 10 months since they spoke to me or even seen the kids. I am tired of them. I am tired and angry especially about the income tax refund! These people dont care about us.

I understand you being tired of "them" and the relentless frustration... and how sad for the kids.  Why do you suppose your son didn't reply when his grandmother spoke to him?  It still seems you're the only hope of ending this battle.

 

Tax issues are complicated...  the accountant can explain and your tax forms will clarify the money issue.  But from my understanding -    Hubby's income is his profit (as FIL's profit is his income).  They each pay fed/state, SS, etc. and file as individuals.  It's not tax fraud and FIL doesn't benefit financially, nor does it put hubby at a financial disadvantage for the partnership to continue.  Hubby can have a separate business even though the partnership exists.... one has nothing to do with the other.  The question is, did FIL send in the withholdings?  Seems he did since you indicated the accountant said it paid for the SS hubby owed.  I suggest you talk with the accountant again so you have a full understanding of what's going on.  Take care.  :)    

 

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July 29, 2005, 2:06 pm CDT

arwen177

Quote From: arwen177

 Thanks for the advice. I forgot to mention in my last post that we are having the party at my MIL's house. So eventhough I really don't want the alcohol (she does because she's Portugese, and it's "normal" for them to have alcohol at everything) I almost feel that I have to allow it because it's her house.  True, that does make me angry, because I am just really against the alcohol. If I could change the location of the party now, I would. (his birthday is this sunday the 31) I feel that I should have had the party somewhere else just so that there wouldn't be any alcohol, but too late now. So I guess what I'm getting at is, should I just allow it because it's her house or what?

Hope you don't mind me suggesting a compromise that will respect your ILs right to serve alcohol in their home, respect your wishes as a mom and would also be in the best interest of the relationship between you and your ILs.  Have a talk with your MIL... tell her you realize it's her home, but this is a "first" for you too and you've been looking forward to planning and hosting the party yourself.  Tell her it would really mean a lot to you if they could hold off on the alcohol until after everyone has eaten and the baby has had his cake and presents... since it will only be a couple of hours until they can begin their adult drinks.  Tell her you'll pick up the beverages you'll be serving when you purchase the food... and you'd like her to just relax and enjoy herself before and during the event.  If she wants to debate it... don't, just ask her to "please understand".  This way you all have what you want and there's no resentments.  Then when the drinking begins, you can take your son and leave.    Good luck.     

 

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December 30, 2005, 6:32 am CST

To jb7cix

Quote From: jb7ctx

Geez, your mil sounds like mine. My mil has nothing to do with our kids either. It is now 15 months since she even saw them "personally" , but 2 years before that she saw them 3 times only.  (we are walking distance away from her home). She has not seen them at all this whole year nor has she called to speak to them on the phone. She just dont have time for them I guess. (her words). Anyway, she called my husband on Christmas Eve and got into a huge argument on the phone with him concerning his other child from a different relationship who he cannot see because of his mother and the ex, (long story)  and she was wanting our kids to come down to her home and see him and get the gifts from her. HOwever, she has not seen our kids but 3 times in 3 years. She ignored their b-days for the past 2 years.Never calls them or ask about them. She has never called me personally, in over 2 years. BUT, my husband told her no that the kids are not comming down since she couldnt make time for them at all throughout this whole year. Our son has a life threatening illness he came down with last year and she has not called one time to see how he is doing. Anyway, because my husband wont let her see the kids, she wont let them have the gifts she brought for them. It doesnt bother me at all, because my kids dont know her anyway. She was once their grandma, but she lost that title when she choose to ignore them all these years. If she wants to "play" grandma again, she has to "earn" that title back at "OUR" conveinence! She also (like yours) thinks that we need to put all this in the past and move on and forget about it. Well, I got news for her. We cant just forget about what all she has done and did not do, especially when she messes with our children like she did by ignoring them. ESPECIALLY when our son has a life threatening illness and she never called ONCE to see if he is dead or alive this whole damn year! Just because she is ready to start over, does not mean we are. But we are starting over WITHOUT her. She claims she feels "uncomfortable" around me. WHAT? I have never been mean to her , I have always been nice even when she pissed me off. But now, she NEEDS to feel uncomfortable around me. If she can choose to ignore our kids all these years even though one has an illness, and she dont care, and she thinks we are going to let them come to her? (head meets desk)! The only reason she feels uncomfortable around me is because she feels GUILTY for what she has done to us!!!! She knows that I know what game she was playing. She knows she was wrong for acting the way she did especially towards the kids AND she dont really want to see our kids, she only wants them down there so her "favorite" grandson will have someone to play with because he is BORED at her house now! WHEW!!! (I needed that vent)!!! I ride by her house and wave at her and she snubs me, and she does it to my husband too and then she wants to know why we didnt come to her party this year? (head meets desk, again). Question....if someone ignores you for years and has no words of communication with you at all or your kids, do you think they like you? Are you supposed to start over because they want too and risk getting hurt all over again because they are so controlling and vindictive and it has been a repeated cycle year after year after year? (head meets desk).

Just stopped by say hello and to see how you are doing!  Remember to stop and think outside the box.  Take care and Happy New Year. 

  

Harobe    

 

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December 30, 2005, 10:18 pm CST

Please...

Quote From: stdlbb13

I can't believe you're even focusing on the gift issue...People return gifts all the time.  My Mother even told me face to face if her gift wasn't the right one to take it backm and get the right one.  You're focusing on the worng part of this issue...I think we're both concerned with the deeper underlying issues of just not getting along.  And about the picture frame...Please...she has pictures all over her walls and tables...this collage took nothing but 4X6 photos and she's had 3 years to fill it....Please, Advice about the underlying issues and how to get a long with my MIL!!! 
If your MIL "talking too fast", going shopping with her daughter, and making such an effort to purchase a gift that would please you, are issues that make your life miserable... then your expectations are too high.  And she's not your mother... although she acted like one when she blew up on the phone (and you didn't like that either).        
 

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January 1, 2006, 9:47 pm CST

Proper titles

Quote From: 1stbabydue

Hey All, 

 I have a MIL who wants my daughter to call her Mom. She'll ask her ( she's almost a year old) where's Mom and she's not talking about me she's talking about herself. When ever she picks up my child she says come see mom. My husband didn't see the issue with this until he saw how much it bothered me and our doctor told him how confused our daughter may become. Anyway we talked to his Mother and she's still doing it.. In fact it seems to be worse now more than ever. So what should be my next step? Should I write her a letter? I want to be clam and rational with her about this but it's as if she doesn't care about our point of view. I feel like when she does this she semi views my child as her's... If anyone can help please let me know. 

Thanks, 

Stephanie  

If it were me, I'd simply tell her... "my child is not going to be exposed to this insanity, so you need to decide what  reference to grandmother you prefer."  No expansions are necessary and NONE should be given (such as what the Dr. said bla bla bla) ... it will make you come across as  less than confident about yourself'.  Which is NOT a good idea with woman like your MIL!   If she does it again (refers to herself as Mom to your child), then tell her "OK, that's it... I'll decide on a name for you and the one that comes to mind is not very good!".  Say it jokingly so to keep the mood light, but she'll get the hint.  Because you also don't want her to know she has the power to upset you (again, NOT a good idea with women like your MIL.   They love that).  

  

My daughter has a similar problem with her MIL... not the name issue, but other things.  We have a phrase we use when her MIL is coming to visit... as a reminder to view it as a ten mile run that she wants to place first in.  It's "game on!'  It helps to keep her focused on her goal and not get emotionally involved in the crap.  Good luck... and game on!        

 

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January 5, 2006, 11:33 pm CST

Guest List

Quote From: bunny42

That helps alot, more than likely my DH wont want to invite his sister either  

I just really want to include the people that are the closest to us and especially 

the people like my Aunt who has been like a mother to me since my mother died 

5 years ago and and of course my dad and step mom she to has been a big support 

to me in my life and my DH we want it to be a new begining and we want to include  

the people that loved us enough to help us get thru the rough stuff. Maybe if mil does  

come she will finally relize that she cant break us up. yea right who Im I kidding. LOL 

I really dont care if mil gets upset if we dont invite sil its our choice not hers that has been 

the problem all long trying to make her happy. This time she will just have to get over it 

right? I know that sounds really mean but I have put up for to long. 

  

Have you considered making this an event for only your family and friends?  This wouldn't be appropriate in most cases, but there are always exceptions to the the rule... and it may be in everyone's best interest under the circumstances.   

  1. Your MIL and SIL will most likely be relieved they don't have to attend, since they don't like you and it won't have any meaning for them anyways. 
  2. You'll be happy that you excluded them. 
  3. Hubby may actually appreciate this more honest approach... and an occasion that all three of you women will have nothing to complain about.
 

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January 6, 2006, 10:19 am CST

Family Fued

Quote From: cleopatra1

I have a huge problem.  One I never would have imagined happening. It is a nightmare for me.  How do I start....from the beginning.....several months back my daughter had called my daughter in law concerning an upsetting family matter.  My daughter in law decided she did not want to discuss the matter with her and told her that in a very offensive manner.  This upset my daughter as she was expecting someone to share feeling with and was taken aback by the response she got. My daughter and I are very close and after that conversation she called me and was very upset and crying because of the response she had gotten.  Of course it upset me that there was yet another problem going on in our family.  It was very depressing and upsetting to me which will make me become quiet .  I had to think and decided that while the situation was bad , the problem was with the two of them and not with me ....I did not want to take sides and jepopardize my relationship with my daughter-in-law.  In the meanwhile, my daughter in law asked me if I was upset with her and had told her no but that I was just upset about family problems in general.....Somehow my daughter in law decided that I must be upset with her(I was not) and kept talking about it with my son....My son finally called me and asked me if I was upset with his wife ......I confessed that I had been upset but not directly at her.....and that I had made the decision not to interfer or take sides because I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with her"  He got very upset with me and said I should have told her.....that "it" was very important to her......I again said there was nothing to talk about and I was not upset with her......Next thing I know, my daugher in law is  totally angry with me (Fuming)   So, she says she wants to talk about it and I called her by phone.....I was totally blown away by her anger and the way she talked to me.....I explained (again) that the situation was between her and my daughter and I was not taking sides.....I am trying to explain but she is unrelenting......she calls me a gossip?  I asked her to tell me what that is. and I say we were not gossiping....still she is fired up......by then I am getting totally angry at her....I say I think you are being rude and disrespectful to me....she replies....that she thinkgs I am being rude and disrespectful to her.....???  I say I do not understand  and I do not understand her.  She replies she does not understand me....I am still in shock at this whole conversation......then she something to the effect "well have we gotten all the talked out now??  I am furious at this point....she is now evidently finished venting and thinks everything should now be back to normal.....I am in total disbelief that she is serious.  We have always had a good relationship in the past , I have never seen this side of her and I am completely blown away by her anger.  She is about 30 and I am 61.  Evedently, this how she and her mother talk with each other and also with my son......I send my son a note and tell him I am apalled by all of this, do not understand and think she has been rude and disrespectful to me over something I do not think deserves a second glance.  Now my son is angry with me.  I see her(my daughter in law) every am  briefly and connot even stand the sight of her.  I am angry and hurt , do not understand and think she owes me an apology.  Now my son is angry and I have not seen my grandaugher for 3 months.  I have tried to explain my side but to no avail.....

Your anger seems to be directed solely at your DIL... I have no doubt she was out of line with you and I understand you being upset about it, but you have two children who are also involved in this mess and haven't behaved in an appropriate, mature manner either.  If you really want to resolve this issue, you'll need to be fair and honest about it. And that means recognizing that ALL of you could have made better choices.  The fact that you didn't is irrelevant now... it's what you do today and in the future that will make a difference.   Since you indicated there are frequent problems in the family, this is an opportunity to start over with some boundaries for everyone, less expectations and more respect for each individual.  You also have a grandchild who deserves respect and consideration from the four of you... do you really want to waste one more day?          

 

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January 6, 2006, 2:25 pm CST

In Laws

Quote From: 1stbabydue

I have ahd a similar problem with my husband's family when we got married. His MIl hated me because I'm 8 years younger than her son and I wasn't the girl she had picked out for him. So what we did after having the huge ordeal about it with her, we eloped we went to Hawaii and had a blast. I really feel that we did the right thing years later. Yes I wanted to have this big church day but what we had was just as great and a lot less stressful. When we got back we had a party and whoever wanted to come and see us came. My mother said something to me when we were going through this. it has always stuck with me " Whoever wants you to be happy and successful in your marriage will do everything to support it" These are the people you need to surround yourself with. Marriage is hard enough, but throw in a few bad apples making it harder doesn't help anything.

Me also... to be specific, MIL and SIL, I can't even remember what their issues were. I do know I made an effort to get along with them, but they had their own agenda.  Then came the straw that broke the camel's back.  To make a long story short, I was determined not to spend the rest of my life taking part in the craziness.  I continued a relationship with the "family" but detached for the most part.  My MIL and SIL are not people I would ever prefer to spent time with, but I can and do get along with them now.  And in fairness to them, I'm sure they feel the same about me.  Dealing with problems/problem people, make us stronger, more mature, accepting, happier individuals.  So in that regard, boy don't they give us opportunities to grow!  And situations do improve when we make the right choices.  A little bit of humor goes a long way too!         

  

As I said before, now my daughter has in-laws to deal with... and I am a so called MIL.  UGH!     

 

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