Messages By: harobe

Shawbehan -   Your points were well taken and we are more than you realized.  In answer to your question, am I concerned the tough love approach towards the parents will hurt the children... No, in fact, I believe the children will be hurt if it's not done.  b4time expressed my thoughts exactly.  It's not about being right, not about an inattentive DIL (she doesn't have any consideration or respect for her MIL but knew the children were in excellent hands with their grandmother), and b4time can't bury a hatchet that's in their hands.  By paying the short term price of not seeing the children for awhile/less often, she's going for the long term benefit of having a valuable role in their lives for all the years to come.  If this problem is not resolved, she'll never be treated any better and most likely this will be another family who cuts all ties so she'll lose her grandchildren.  I agree with you on the boundaries issue... however, when the boat has a hole in it, it doesn't matter how it got there.  It needs to be plugged.  Also agree that there's adult children/spouses who aren't selfish/callous towards parents... but it doesn't help those who are dealing with this  "common" issue.  And I believe children should be the priority (but who would say otherwise, so goes the saying, "actions speak louder than words").  Appreciate your two cents worth.     :)

b4time - The definition of insanity brought back memories... we're on the same page.  Glad your feeling better about yourself and your situation.  Good to know there'll be positive results here.  :)  

I understand you being tired of "them" and the relentless frustration... and how sad for the kids.  Why do you suppose your son didn't reply when his grandmother spoke to him?  It still seems you're the only hope of ending this battle.

Tax issues are complicated...  the accountant can explain and your tax forms will clarify the money issue.  But from my understanding -    Hubby's income is his profit (as FIL's profit is his income).  They each pay fed/state, SS, etc. and file as individuals.  It's not tax fraud and FIL doesn't benefit financially, nor does it put hubby at a financial disadvantage for the partnership to continue.  Hubby can have a separate business even though the partnership exists.... one has nothing to do with the other.  The question is, did FIL send in the withholdings?  Seems he did since you indicated the accountant said it paid for the SS hubby owed.  I suggest you talk with the accountant again so you have a full understanding of what's going on.  Take care.  :)    

Hope you don't mind me suggesting a compromise that will respect your ILs right to serve alcohol in their home, respect your wishes as a mom and would also be in the best interest of the relationship between you and your ILs.  Have a talk with your MIL... tell her you realize it's her home, but this is a "first" for you too and you've been looking forward to planning and hosting the party yourself.  Tell her it would really mean a lot to you if they could hold off on the alcohol until after everyone has eaten and the baby has had his cake and presents... since it will only be a couple of hours until they can begin their adult drinks.  Tell her you'll pick up the beverages you'll be serving when you purchase the food... and you'd like her to just relax and enjoy herself before and during the event.  If she wants to debate it... don't, just ask her to "please understand".  This way you all have what you want and there's no resentments.  Then when the drinking begins, you can take your son and leave.    Good luck.     

Just stopped by say hello and to see how you are doing!  Remember to stop and think outside the box.  Take care and Happy New Year. 

Harobe    

If it were me, I'd simply tell her... "my child is not going to be exposed to this insanity, so you need to decide what  reference to grandmother you prefer."  No expansions are necessary and NONE should be given (such as what the Dr. said bla bla bla) ... it will make you come across as  less than confident about yourself'.  Which is NOT a good idea with woman like your MIL!   If she does it again (refers to herself as Mom to your child), then tell her "OK, that's it... I'll decide on a name for you and the one that comes to mind is not very good!".  Say it jokingly so to keep the mood light, but she'll get the hint.  Because you also don't want her to know she has the power to upset you (again, NOT a good idea with women like your MIL.   They love that).  

My daughter has a similar problem with her MIL... not the name issue, but other things.  We have a phrase we use when her MIL is coming to visit... as a reminder to view it as a ten mile run that she wants to place first in.  It's "game on!'  It helps to keep her focused on her goal and not get emotionally involved in the crap.  Good luck... and game on!        

Have you considered making this an event for only your family and friends?  This wouldn't be appropriate in most cases, but there are always exceptions to the the rule... and it may be in everyone's best interest under the circumstances.   

1. Your MIL and SIL will most likely be relieved they don't have to attend, since they don't like you and it won't have any meaning for them anyways. 
2. You'll be happy that you excluded them. 
3. Hubby may actually appreciate this more honest approach... and an occasion that all three of you women will have nothing to complain about.

Your anger seems to be directed solely at your DIL... I have no doubt she was out of line with you and I understand you being upset about it, but you have two children who are also involved in this mess and haven't behaved in an appropriate, mature manner either.  If you really want to resolve this issue, you'll need to be fair and honest about it. And that means recognizing that ALL of you could have made better choices.  The fact that you didn't is irrelevant now... it's what you do today and in the future that will make a difference.   Since you indicated there are frequent problems in the family, this is an opportunity to start over with some boundaries for everyone, less expectations and more respect for each individual.  You also have a grandchild who deserves respect and consideration from the four of you... do you really want to waste one more day?          

Me also... to be specific, MIL and SIL, I can't even remember what their issues were. I do know I made an effort to get along with them, but they had their own agenda.  Then came the straw that broke the camel's back.  To make a long story short, I was determined not to spend the rest of my life taking part in the craziness.  I continued a relationship with the "family" but detached for the most part.  My MIL and SIL are not people I would ever prefer to spent time with, but I can and do get along with them now.  And in fairness to them, I'm sure they feel the same about me.  Dealing with problems/problem people, make us stronger, more mature, accepting, happier individuals.  So in that regard, boy don't they give us opportunities to grow!  And situations do improve when we make the right choices.  A little bit of humor goes a long way too!         

As I said before, now my daughter has in-laws to deal with... and I am a so called MIL.  UGH!