Messages By: hrinks

You are SO LUCKY to be able to respond after your show.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND how grueling the process is.

Unfortunately, lots of people do gets lots of enjoyment from watching other people's pain though. Carnal human nature seems to be to watch other people get hurt to either tell yourself your own pain is not so bad or to take the focus off of their own boring life. They can live vicariously through guests.

Heather - another guest of a previous show -  my husband snagged me by lying about his past too & did many of the same things to his exs as he did to me; however, he was not so willing to COMPLETELY admit it before the show or during the show. If someone is completely admitting things at least they are closer to healing.

Maybe she was looking for maturity and chose not to judge or exclude someone because of their age.

I dated several men in their late 20's and early 30's when I was 19. I also considered dating a man that I met on the university campus where I was earning my Master - that man was about to retire. Looking back on it, I know that probably would have been an excellent match though it was frowned on due to our age by others. We had lots in common with hobbies, interests, religion, etc. He was never married because he devoted himself to a government career and was great with children. I doubt he would have been dishonest or unfaithful.

Why did I date men in their thirties when I was 19?

I was getting my Masters degree and I was considering either finishing an at risk youth Masters at Harvard or my Phd.

I had a house that I owed about half of what it was worth from appreciation, paying extra each month, and remodeling that I did myself with family (wood floors, gutted & new kitchen, gutted & new guest bath, paint, porch, etc).

I had paid my car off completely.

I had contributed to and set my retirement in effect.

I had already been working for 6 years or so by that time.

I had already created a family business and ran it.

I had already worked for the government, nonprofit sector, financial industry, and public schools by this time.

I had already taken the adoption & foster care classes in case I wanted to adopt or married so late I would not be able to have children.

I had already started saving for "if" I had children so that I could stay home while they were young.

Here is a good reason: All the men in my courses in college were in their late 20s or early 30s. I was in graduate school not undergraduate school.

Here is another good reason: Most of the men who circulated in my circles at work were between 30 and 60. Why? I was not just a teacher but chair of the dept. I was not just a teacher for public schools when I transfered at 20, I was a TIMs and instructing other teachers and traveling the US participating in conferences.

Men my own age - 19 and 20 - a lot of them where not at my level.

They did not have stable jobs.  I was almost tenured.

They did not have money in the back. I had accumulated assets - house, car, stocks, saving, money markets, etc.

They had not even started college or graduated yet. I had already earned my AA, my BBA in Finance, and was working on a Master & completed some towards the Certified Financial Planner's Designation.

They had just bought their first car. Mine was paid off.

They lived at home and did not have houses. I had one.

They were looking forward to turning 21 or partying or dating. I was looking to settle down, get married, and plan to have kids after getting my PhD.

I did not want to mommy some one. I wanted some one who was motivated, had a sense of self, was driven at work, had solid faith, and did not want my help with his college homework or resumes or getting a job, etc.

When I met my husband, I thought he had a house.

I thought he was mature, he told me that he thought men who cheated and went to strip bars were jerks. He said he was way over partying and wanted to settle down.

He had been at his job for 2 years and it seemed stable.

And I thought he had good boundaries with his parents.

It turned out:

He did not have a house but was looking to buy one. He did not party on the weekend like the younger men, he was with me. But he was partying Wed - Fri at the strip bars while I was attending college at night after working full time by day.

And he usually lost his job every 3 years for losing his temper on his boss, including getting dishonorably discharged in the military.  

And it turned out AFTER we married, that we went from seeing his parents a few times a year at least once a week. So much that I was not able to manage finishing my degree. In fact, I was finishing my college courses and he DID NOT EVEN KNOW I was still attending after we got married.

We got pregnant almost immediately, he wanted too, I wanted to wait. And then he decided that it was "too much for him."

We bought a house together because I did not want him to just move in mine, I wanted to move up and put our assets together, and he did not mow the lawn or take care of anything. However, he WANTED to mow his mother's lawn for $15 but not ours.

And he started partying and drinking every week and handing out with his parents every Sunday from noon till night.

Our relationship got even worse - he found nasty things to do, his parents were weird and perverted, and he became abusive & jealous. And at the time, the residing judge said that he would get partial custody because "just because a man hits his wife does not mean he will hit his child" so I stayed through it.  

You do not always know all these things or see them coming. Had I known that he would be verbally abusive, physically abuse, unfaithful, deny his own daughter, go from seeing his mother twice a year with me to every week and wanted her to run our lives & holidays... would I have married him? No.

And before that I was married for 3 years to a nice man with a nice family. He was not always highly motivated with work but he was a great with pets & children. What happened? He freaked out and thought I cheated, we divorced, and it turned out I had not cheated when he accused me. But it ruined our relationship. He ended up marrying an old friend from elementary school a few years after our split and I actually gave him the birthday gift for her that sealed the deal.

So I did not always pick them wrong.

Before the man that I married and had problems with, I dated another guy I met getting our Masters and in a few months he became moody and possessive and I broke it off.

You live and learn. One thing that I plan on doing to help my daughter is to move to a MUCH bigger town and a MUCH BIGGER church that way she has a better selection then what is available here in these little 7 mile wide towns with churchs of 25 to 100 people. In a church this small, there are NO unmarried men in a 25 person church and there might be a handful in the 100 person church.

I wish that I would have been able to find a guy like myself at that time but that would have been looking for a needle in a haystack - this would have been his qualifications:

Believe in Jesus and walk the walk, not just talk the talk

Faithful & Honest

No addictions - cigarettes, alcohol, porn, etc

19 years old

Masters degree

Almost tenured at work

Owned house

Paid off car

Already funded retirement

Ready to have children in 3 or 4 years

Oh.. and a model (yes, I am that too)

Athletic

Involved in the community

Has savings, checkings, money market, & investment

Loves children

Comes from a good family - solid in character, morals, financially, and involved in the govt and community work

Well, there was not a chance of me finding that in the small town I lived in. Maybe I should have moved to improve my prospects. LOL

Okay so that explains why some people date MUCH older. And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

We cannot affect someone's free will. You can do everything right and someone still choose to cheat, leave you, do drugs, etc.

If you are dating a man (or woman) in his (or her) 30s or 40, then they will have either never been married and dated many people or have lived with a few people or they will have a marriage or several behind them with several children.

It would be naive to meet a man who was 35 and believe him if he said he was never married, never lived with someone, and did not have any children. Lets add that he is a virgin (most of the time that would definately be a lie even if the person is in high school the way the world is today). Those people are very few and far beween.

Of course, seperated is NOT divorced. And many times, a person who is lying tells their date that they are divorced, when they are seperated. Or they say they are seperated, when they are marriage.

There is a person named Dave777 on another board who was very angry with me because I told him that the woman he was living with was not divorced because she was still married to a man I knew who desperately wanted her to sign the divorce paper. That same woman told my husband in a bar that she was divorced and I called her husband (my husband's friend) and asked and she was lying.

So cheaters tend to lie to their spouses, lovers, children, family, and friends. Oh, and also to their church, pastors, and counselors too. And especially wicked & nasty ones will call the victim of their abuse & cheating crazy and lie about them & try to ruin their reputations.

The one sure thing is that helps if you have been cheated on is to forgive so that you can be released from bitterness. And forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Just like if you are molested or raped, you can forgive the person but chose to never be around them or chose to have your children around them.

Always make sure you are right with God (Jesus) and pray about finding the next person. We live in a fallen world. Picking men is like picking stocks, you can read all the information and crunch all the numbers, but still end up losing money. People have free will and people can change for the better or worse. You can marry someone and find out many years later that they have some serious unresolved issues that they were hiding or denying or maybe they were so unhealthy that they did not even realize it was not normal to begin with. I knew what was "not normal or healthy" as a child because I had more good role models than bad, my husband was surround by "unhealthy" so he does not have a good solid foundation on what is right and wrong, acceptable or not, normal or unhealthy.

Condoms DO NOT have a 99% success rate.

Condoms DO NOT protect against Genital Herpes. Genital Herpes can cause death, brain damage, premature birth, and blindness in babies born in women with an outbreak.

WHY DON'T condoms protect against this?

Condoms do not cover the entire genital region. Men can have an infection that you CANNOT see on the base of their penis and thus infect a woman - EVEN IF THEY ARE WEARING CONDOMS CORRECTLY!

Condoms do not protect men from women with genital herpes. Why? Because during the sex act, if a woman has sores inside of her (SO YOU CANNOT SEE OR EVEN KNOW) then the VERY CONTAGIOUS fluid can mix with the vaginal fluids or lubricant and it will get on the man where the condom does not cover.

If you have genital herpes and you take medicine to prevent it, YOU ARE STILL SUPPOSED TO ALWAYS WEAR CONDOMS. WHY? Because you can still spread it even on medication.

EVEN WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE AN OUTBREAK.

Why? Because you can shed asynchronisly (cannot remember how to spell this) and you can shed asymptomatic.

The outbreaks are ugly & painful. Herpes is very hard on many people who know they have it. People who infect loved ones accidently feel much shame and guilt.

When you go to a doctor or planned parenthood or get tested in the military, you are NOT tested for Herpes 1 or 2. If someone says, "I have been tested for everything" that test does not usually include herpes.

If you want to know if you have it, if you are one of the MANY people who do know yet, you must ask specifically for the test. It costs a few hundred dollars and many insurance companies will pay for it. You must as for strand 1 for oral and 2 for genital.

If you have had sex with 5 people, you have probably have sex with 2 people who have it! SCARY!

Just because you haven't had an outbreak, it does not mean a thing.

I know someone close to me who found out over 10 years later! He did not realize his initial infection in his late teens early twenties was an outbreak. It was like a few pimples. From teens to 24, he has sex with 30 women. From 24 into his 30's, he had sex with 1 long term partner and got the infection. They never used condoms. He cheated twice on her and she cheated several times on him.

Then this guy got married to a woman who did not have anything. A few years into the married, he broke out with a small rash and went to the doctor. He found out he had genital herpes. His infection is at the base of his penis so condoms will not protect his wife though they use them. They will have to use condoms for the REST OF THEIR LIVES if God does not heal him. He says he wishes that he would have waited until he got married.

WOULDN'T IT BE TERRIBLE TO BE HIM or HIS WIFE?

I believe in abstinence for several reasons. 1) I believe in Jesus and he says that if we truly love Him, we will abide in Him and keep His Word and commandments so I do not believe in commiting adultery or fornication. As a Christian who has heard this Word, I am responsible to keep it. The bible says not to be deceived because the sexually immoral including born again Christians who claim Christ and continue to commit sexual immorality will not be in heaven. 2) I want to share intimacy with a man who will love me for the rest of my life 3)I do not want to get a disease.

If you value yourself, you are surely worth more than a million dollar mansion or a corvette, right? Would you let a stranger or someone you were not committed to have full access and rights to your car and house for a period of time to just tear up, use up, and then throw away when the next one comes along?

For those who are not married and are "Christians," the bible says that committing sexual immorality, fornication, adultery, and lewdness (this includes pornagraphy, oral sex, sex, mutual masturbation, sexual computer chats, etc) when you are not married, legally married, is harlotry and committng adultery against God because your body is his temple and you are sharing it with a harlot.

If the current generations would abstain from sex except after marriage and remain faithful to their spouses, after less than 100 years, almost all the diseases could be wiped out because they cannot spread if people would STOP spreading them.

I also understand that people are marrying later which will require more self control. I married in high school and I still went on to get several degrees. I found that being married in high school and college made life EASIER because I did not have to do all the dating & popularity contests, etc. I began college while in high school and I think that the last two years of high school are a waste because they are like the first two years in college. So, I think that we should have an earlier graduation and then let the young adults who think they are responsible either go on to college or get jobs. If people KNEW they had to be really responsible for their choices, they might make better ones KNOWING full well that they must deal with the consequences. If so many young people are making the decision to have sex in high school and we cannot stop it, then maybe pushing married further back and having four years of high school is not the right system. Sex is a choice with LIFELONG consequences.

Herpes IS NOT THE ONLY DISEASE CONDOMS DO NOT PROTECT, but this is one example.

Source: www . herpes . com

While generally not dangerous, it is a nuisance and can be emotionally traumatic, as there is no cure.

It has reached epidemic proportions in the U.S.; 500,000 are diagnosed each year. One in five American adults has herpes, but only one third of those inflicted are aware that they have the virus. Many people don't relate their symptoms to herpes, since they have either very mild or no symptoms at all. Over 50 million cases are currently estimated to exist in either the active or dormant stage.

Background info: I was an educator in grades k6 through 12 in both public schools and nonprofit. I left to raise my children & run businesses from home.

It is definitely the parent's responsibility to teach their children or young adults about sex if they want control over the information. I would not want my daughter taught about her morals, sex, or any other major decision by public schools.

Knowledge is not protection though if it is from the mouth of fools. Wrong information can be deadly and is harmful at the least. For instance, CONDOMS HARDLY PROTECT AT ALL FROM HERPES. And genital herpes is a miserable thing for many women and some men, and the dead, brain damaged, or blind babies exposed to it in the birth canal of women who do not even know they were infected. One reason they did not know, because they used condoms and because when you get tested for "all" the stds at your ob/gyn or planned parenthood or even the military - they do not screen for herpes 1 or 2. You have to request these, many times pay extra, to get them done.

Info is not control nor is control empowerment. True empowerment comes from knowing our value in God's eyes which would prevent people from wanting to share themselves with "renters" whether one night stands or long term '"renters." Another word for non-committing type - users. If we accept Jesus and abide by his commandments & get filled with the Holy Spirit - then we will be set free from every bondage (including sexual addictions) and have self control which is a fruit of the spirit. We will also have love, another fruit, and then it would be easier and less heated to talk about these issues.

STDs ARE NOT preventable with condoms. The only way to guarantee to your spouse that you are disease free is to be a virgin. And the only way to remain STD free after marriage is if both people remain faithful. For more information on this, look into my profile and view an in-depth post about how condoms DO NOT work against herpes.

Maybe students need to take a human anatomy & growth/development course. This course should not focus on sex but instead educate on the facts about brain development, decision making at different ages, conception, pregnancy, growth of a baby, delivery (why not show an actual delivery? Or three of them (water birth, with pain meds, premature/emergency birth) so they can see that yes, they all hurt!), and also the course could include pictures and images of diseases from sex. Maybe some interviews of people burdened with the consequences of diseases (like the man I mentioned in my other post who found out he had Herpes after marrying and maybe have infected 40+ other women in his lifetime who regrets having sex with anyone but his wife. BYW - they must use condoms forever and it is not guaranteed that she will not contract his herpes because it is at the base of his penis therefore not covered by the condom - and BTW Herpes is spread-able even when no outbreaks are apparent due to shedding). Even better, maybe some people might be willing to go into the schools and talk to the kids.

There is a group of young people who are virgins who are part of a program that goes into the public schools and talks to kids here through the Grace House - these type of organization can be contacted and found online. At the nonprofit I worked for, a young lady came in every year who had AIDs to talk the students - this was Pace Center for Girls.

I think that people sharing & being proud of the fact they are choosing to be virgins is great because one of the rumors in the schools that many boys use to coax girls is "everybody is doing it" and "if you don't, she will." Sometimes when people swear things publicly, they are more true to their word also.

Students graduating today are fairly ignorant in many things that matter including morals, good decision making, planning, finance, raising a family, communication skills, conflict resolutions, and more. Schools in Florida spend lots of time teaching about the life and reproduction cycles of cells to EVERY student and no time for life cycle & reproduction & diseases of humans. A nutrition class might be helpful, not just what needs to be eaten but how to decipher the ingredients so you know what is going to kill you early or make you overweight.

My last position as a teacher was in computers (an elective) and I also was hired to instruct the instructors to integrate technology into their curriculum for our county (60,000 at the time - I think Fl 3rd largest school system but I might be wrong or out of date now). I used to also tie in making things relevant - it took more work for the teachers to do but the students were more interested. Like instead of just teaching polynomials relate it to Mendel genetics - both algebra and learning science - that is relevant and interesting. In computers, instead of using the plain Jane curriculum where they did "fake" things, fake memos, types useless word combos... I had them make websites that were "real" and relevant to businesses or for informing (how to make goals, my goals are, how to make a business, writing a thank you, and pages with relevant info on diseases, colleges, jobs, how to invest and plan for retirement, etc).

My point is this… my students when they left my class were educated in how to make decisions. For instance, a new principal wanted to change the school colors and gave my students a choice of color. The graduates of my elective all wanted to instead petition to use the thousands of dollars that the change would cost (it required new paint for the lockers, jacket, uniforms, paper, etc) instead for supplying laptops for school in almost all classes. We need to have our young people learn how to make good decisions like this and keep applying sound principles. My principal was actually upset at my students for their brilliant idea. It was sound and made more sense. He changed the colors anyway despite their petition for a better use of funds.

These students were prepared to make good decisions. When I instructed teachers, we knew that 15 to 30% of teachers (mostly tenured) would not want to make any changes to make things better. So teacher tenure sometimes makes them less flexible. However, other tenured teachers use their time after tenure to become more excellent educators so throwing tenure out is not a good idea either (maybe some kind of bonus plan would be better). It is hard to find good instructors. Instructors who are excellent are well ground morally which makes them stable, they are humble (usually a TRUE Christian following Christ) so they have a teachable spirit), and they are truly loving because they are willing to instruct their students in such a way that it allows the student the possibility to have a better life than the teacher might have once both are armed with new information.

In my experience meeting and working with thousands of teachers in my career, those who fit this description are a special find. I have met a lot of teachers who are not happy, boxed in by their education degree, tenure, or retirement plan, and who really do not want to see their students succeed beyond wherever they made it to.

The wrong teacher teaching a sex education class would be an absolute disaster! Can you imagine a sex education teacher telling students how great an orgasm feels and handing out a condom to each student so they can have one "just in case" they get in a situation where they want to experience it? At a middle school where I was employed, there was a young male Math teacher who talked to his students about how sex was for the sexually active ones and another Math teacher threw a chair across the classroom- yes, they eventually got in trouble & I believe left teaching but the damage they did to their students minds before the left was not good.

We put too much trust in "professionals" and the organizations selecting them or deeming them profession. Do we even honestly know the colleges, the degrees, or the prior job experience of our children's teachers? Do we ask our doctors and therapists what college they attended, what degree they earned, and what g.p.a they had? Yes, g.p.a. DOES matter in college, people who don't want to whip out the transcripts have something to hide. Do you want a doctor working on you who slept through the courses that pertain to your condition?

When I tutored at Valencia Community College to help pay for my education, I could only tutor in courses that I earned a B or higher. However, do we really know anything at all about the professionals we deal with on a regular basis? Truth be told, most of us don't. We don't know anything about the people who listen to or we trust. We also don't judge them by the fruit (which is biblical). I have asked several doctors and other professionals where they earned their degrees, etc and they have been offended. We, as parents and intelligent reasonable adults, who are paying for services or taking advice for our health or lives or leaving our children (one of our greatest blessings)alone with or to be educated by an individual MIGHT WANT TO START ASKING THESE QUESTIONS. Do we KNOW who our doctors are, our children's teachers, etc? What are their morals? If you are a Christian, do the people you take advice from believe in Jesus and follow his commands or do they just say they believe in God?

Yes, this is me. I think seeing who is replying is better than just hearing. I am the mother of two little girls, one is almost 4, and the other died during delivery due to a mistake. I am a "Christian" and a follower in Jesus - I belive in reading the bible and obeying the commands as Jesus explains. I believed in no sex before marriage and I also do not believe in adultery. I believe that we are responsible for our own decisions regardless of what someone else does to us because we stand before Christ alone. I was raped once and though I taught rape prevention before that experience, I did not want to gouge his eyes out because I did not want to make him blind. So I do truly believing loving even the unlovable - though it is exteremely hard to die to the flesh - without Jesus, I would be a different person, a nastier person. And though some people like short posts, I like long ones because it lets me understand more about people. I love the Dr. Phil message board because I love praying about the people and situations on it. God bless. I pray that Jesus touches every person who reads this, and every person on this board, and all of Dr. Phil's staff, himself, and their families in a special way. In Jesus name. Amen.

Interesting,

Fredastare, I like you.

So granted condoms aren't the be all and end all of staving off STD's....

ummm?

the option is???

Save oneself, and HOPE like hell the other doesn't' have ANY prior exposure to sexual disease?

Yes, abstain from sex until you find someone to be committed to longterm. When you find someone special, make sure you don't just get the regular bloodtest or the state one BECAUSE THEY DON'T TEST FOR HERPES 1 or 2!!! This is important and a lot of people do not know the truth about the disease.

Come on, this is the REAL world.....goodie for you if you can find a partner clean and as pure as the driven snow to wed.

I understand the real world. I worked in K6 through 12 if you read my posts. I also worked educating teachers. I have worked for the government. And I have even worked as model... been on the tv. I bet you have actually seen me. I have had quite a taste of the "real world." My eyes are on Jesus, persecuted and hated by the world.

If you can find someone "pure" as you say, make sure that you BOTH are tested for Herpes 1 and 2 so you know what you do or don't have. Just like I would not want to find out after marriage that my spouse had a disease or two before, I don't think you would want the surprise of having a nasty sore after sleeping with someone when you could have prevented it by getting tested.

How about a double whammy. What if the condom failed and you got a disease and she got pregnant. And then during delivery, the baby was blinded because you both failed to get tested. This does not sound fun.

Kuddo's really, as this truly would make for a perfect little world, unfortunately it's NOT the case in most situation's.  Therefore until science comes up with BETTER ways to deal with std's than proper use of condoms, etc.

I know people who have slept around and then contracted a disease. They have wished that they would have abstained until meeting the right marriage partner. God promises that if we obey his commands, none of the diseases of the Isrealites will come upon us and God's promises are always true.

This is NOT about the proper use of condoms. YOU CAN USE CONDOMS PERFECTLY AND CONTRACTED HERPES!!! My goal is to get the word out about this because I have seen the pain that this causes for people.

Education within the school walls. ....and TALKING with parents and peers.....YUP peers will afford teens the opportunity to better equip themselves for the sexual realm of life.

In one of my posts, I mentioned several programs. A lady coming into Pace Center for Girls who had AIDs and was young so the students identified with her. Another at Grace House where a team of good looking college students who are virgins are teaching abstinence. There are other national programs.

Peers WILL NEVER afford teens the "opportunity to better equip themselves" because teens suggest sex and condoms. And condoms do not work against herpes and other diseases. Kids needs to know the truth. The truth is that many teens think oral sex is safe and they can get herpes in the throat or on the mouth. In fact, the can get HPV in throat and that can cause DEADLY throat cancers. Teens think that fingering is safe but if the girl has herpes and 1 in 4 or 5 do already, then she can be shedding it, and if they have a cut, they can get it on their finger. And if they touch other places or scratch, they can spread it.

What about the father who has herpes, who itches himself and then does not was his hands and touches his child on the face. He can give it to them on the mouth or in the eye. Did you know that?

Okay, let me give another example. I know a man, who has had herpes for over a decade. And he was a server. He did not KNOW he had it until the last few years. What if he scratched himself at work, did not wash his hands, and then touched your drinking glass and served you? Hhhmmmm....

In Florida, we have problem sometimes with people getting Hepatitis from napkins and cups at fast food resturants. Probably because we have all the partiers from spring break. Also the tatoo places. There was a newspaper article urging people who had tatoos done in Florida, lots of people do during bike week or Octoberfest, to get tested for Hepatitis because it was being spread so  much by the tatoos and partiers.

How about all the children who actually have oral herpes and they are under 10 years old! It is so common in some places here, that in Orange County Florida, a doctor told a young high school boy that "everyone had it and a lot of people are born with it" because he contracted it when his parents kissed him goodnight!

Yuck! To think one day, you could kiss your beautiful baby son or daughter and give them a nasty little cold sore - YES, a COLD SORE - if you have them - go take the test for Herpes Simplex 1 because that is what those are.  And the Herpes Simplex 1 and 2 tests are different, cost extra, and MUST BE SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR.

I totally agree that people need the truth. Jesus preached the truth sets us free. And the truth is as long as people or teens have sex and jump around partner to partner, they will spread disease. If as a nation, we could stop having random sex partners and commit and stick to the commitments, then we would not be facing these issues. If people as a whole, could band together, and abstain if not committed long term, then it would be possible to wipe out some diseases completely and to decrease the prevalence of many other ones.

If someone has a really contagious life threatening disease, we would quarintine them. If someone has AIDs and sleeps around down here without telling their partners, they can face a jail sentence.

But if the disease is not life-threatening, are we just supposed to pretend that condoms protect and pass them out to teens and let them get lifelong consequences.

I personally think a Herpes diagnosis would be much more traumatic than a pregnancy. There are many more worse things that bringing a baby into the world. Babies are blessings. Sex is something wonderful that God gave to us. Wives are the glory of the husband and a good prudent wife is a blessing and a sign of favor.

I will pray for you. I urge you to get tested specifically for Herpes 1 and 2 and make sure that you don't have them. Someone said knowledge is power on the board so I urge everyone who has never been tested for these to get tested. If you have it, I will be happy to pray for your recovery. If you don't congratulations, you are lucky Herpes 1 is quite common now and Herpes 2 is growing fast.

BTW - Did you know that if you child goes to school and shares a cup of water at lunch or drink of soda or lipstick with another student that they can easily contract Herpes 1?

I would love to talk with you more Fredastare. I like your questions. I like people who ask questions. Questions are great. You make good points. Questions lead to solutions.

I worked in schools and have sat through several abstinence programs as well as "guests" who came who had AIDs but were young and did not look like it, etc for students in Florida.

I remember hearing that when teen girls use birth control they are LESS LIKELY to use condoms and the boys pressure them MORE to NOT use condoms because they are on the pill.

So, she might not get pregnant, but she could get a disease. So later in life, she could have HPV, PID, or another disease and not be able to bear children or could harm or kill her children during delivery (Herpes can do that so can other diseases).

So, what is the misinformation that you are talking about?

I believe that young people need to know that condom sex is not safe sex. Marriage sex is safer sex if your partner is faithful. No sex is really the safest sex because you simply cannot get pregnant or a disease.

Sex should be awesome between marriage partners, it was designed that way. It is sad that 50 million adults have herpes and must use condoms when with their partners for the rest of their lives if they want to protect their partners and the condoms are not completely effective EVEN IF USED PROPERLY.

Sex is insulted when it is happening in a car or behind a school or in a bathroom or in a room at a parents house between two people not committed wearing a condom. This is not what sex was designed for.

Nor is sex supposed to be for 5 minutes or 15 minutes or whatever after you meet someone at a bar and get drunk together.

That is little sex, crappy sex, dangerous sex, and sinful worthless sex. And according to Jesus, this sex will prevent entrance into the kingdom of heaven if the participant does not ask for forgiveness and repent (which means stop sinning, turn from sin, sin no more, bear fruit worthy of repentance).

Sex is supposed to be big sex, awesome sex, between faithful loving partners. And when you have partners before you get married, I believe that it makes for a lot of shame and guilt. I have talked to a lot of women and some men who experience this. And especially if a disease occured or an abortion occured.

Ed Young does a great sermon on big sex versus little sex where he and his wife are sitting on a bed talking to their church about it. They talk about how to talk to children and young people.

God did not tell us to abstain because he is mean, He wants to protect us from diseases so we have the best future. His best plan for us, a good plan, and good future.

When my mother told me not to try drugs, it was because she did not want me to throw my life away. I took her advice. And I am glad I did. I was lucky because no one made fun of me because I was pretty & also quite independent in school. I was not one to give into peer pressure as easily.

When I tell my daughter not to stick her hand in the outlet, I do not want her to get burned. If I tell her to leave a clothes iron alone, it is because she is too young and not ready. Outlets and irons are not bad, she is not ready to deal with them yet and I know it.

The young woman on the show who was having sex at 13 and 14 with a 16 year old could be spending her energy preparing for college or doing some community service with the time spent in bed with her boyfriend. In Florida, that is against the law.

If she wants the responsibility to have sex and orgasms, then she should also have a job to have the insurance or money to buy her own birth control pills. She should also have a home that she owns so that in case she gets pregnant, her mother does not have to take care of her.

Sex is an adult thing. Adult to me is less about age and more about responsibility. Can she support herself? Can the boy/man support her? If not, no sex. If so, get married, and have lots and lots of sex.

At 16, I was an completely independant adult in the state of Florida. I was in high school by day and in college at night. I did not live with my parents and I worked. I was very happy and I had a great life. I bought a house a 17 years old that I actually still own, I rented it after I bought another when I got married.

My parents did not give me any money for a car or a house. When I owned my house at 17, I had to walk to college because I was saving for a car. Since I did not get money from my parents, I dual enrolled at night so the state paid for my college.

And until I got married, I was too busy for sex. High school, college, working, Student Government, Culteral Dance Club, Phi Theta Kappa, ballet, modeling, etc. And I had a steady boyfriend through it that I did marry. I met him when I was 13.

So allowing a young person to have sex when they are not responsible for it, is like giving your inheritance your teenager or your corvette or the keys to your house. Why is the young person going to learn to be responsible when they have no reason to or nothing to work towards because you gave it all to them already?

Parents and society do not expect or require enough responsibility from our young people or from men or fathers in general anymore.

Also not having sex when the urge strickes as a teen or adult teaches self control. People with well developed self control who do not always run with their feeling make better marriage partners because they do not run off to magazine or affairs or drinking or whatever when they are upset or "feel like it." They also make better employees, have better finances, and better lives in general.

Self control is very important and under-rated in our culture. Self control must be developed and that is what many people do not understand, especially the people who grow up with parents who let them have sex, drink, or do drugs in their houses or presence.

Self control is a fruit of the spirit also, so accepting Jesus as savior and following His commandments will definately help cultivate the fruit.

Holly, I am really truly sorry that you felt like a prized cow going to the highest bidder, that must have been terrible. I am sure you are a smart, sensitive girl. If you do not have an STD, you might be able to thank your parents though for that and forgive them for what they did wrong.

I am going to share something with you in case you read my response, this stuff was already shared on tv before anyway. When I was a child, after the family that took care of me died, I was with a relative whose boyfriend molested me. I told her and she got angry with me and hit me/threw me around for telling (trying to get help at 6 years old). It turns out that she was raped by her foster father as a teen and when she told her foster mother, she got the same reaction. And I really did not want to "ruin" her happiness because she had a hard life so I dealt with the abuse in elementary school until she married someone else. And she was so lonely and messed up from her life that she seemed to allow it to continue to keep this man until she met the man she married or so it seemed like it to me.

So I also know how it feels to feel like "being sold to the highest bidder" because I felt like I was farmed out to keep that man in her life and keep the things he bought her, etc. She also knew that he paid one of my sister's 14 year old friends for sex and allowed him to be alone with me. So, that is another reason why I felt "sold."

And I too was a very sensitive and intelligent girl, so I do feel your pain. If your parents used religion and fear, they might have really thought that no sex for you as a teen was the best because you were indeed valuable but they expressed it the wrong way.

As for Maslow, he is not God. And I am living proof that his heirachy is wrong and so is Jesus and Mother Theresa and many other people.

It is sad for the children who parents are dysfunctional, I lived with a family like that for a few years but fortunately I did have a taste of normal before certian people died in my life and from church. I also had Jesus, even though I did not completely understand and good mentors that I found myself as a child.

I have found that many young people and adults who are willing to have sex before the cow is bought have low self esteem and having all the sex and partners does more harm than good in the end, physically with diseases and spiritually with soul ties. Lots of people have opinions on all this but few are doing anything to really help, except banter or complain. However, the complaints reveal needs that could be addressed better if someone were up to it.

Holly, in the name of Jesus I pray for peace and clarity and that God reveals himself in a special way to you. In Jesus name. Amen.

Heather

Children are a gift from God, I love my daughters. The bible says to train up a child in the way that he or she should go and they will not stray from it when they are old. I believe that this means that they will not stray from youth to adulthood. I have seen it done right and work well.

Teens are more likely to listen to their parents and God when they have been taught proper values, morals, the commandments, and when they see their parents ALSO model the right behavior too. This includes not allowing boys to have porn or sexual posters or watch sexual shows or movies. Of course, it is MUCH EASIER to raise children right if you start from when they are really young than trying to implement the "right" stuff when they are teens. It is easier to convince children to wait to have sex before they have experienced it or have watched it in R and M movies or seen magazines.

Young boys and men seeing magazines ACTUALLY CHANGES THE STRUCTURE and CIRCUITING of their brains. A movie that shows/illustrates this wiring principle in the brain that is really easily understood and enjoyable (funny, has a plot, etc) and has the scientific facts is What the Bleep Do We Know available at blockbuster. You can get the same learning and research that can be found in a graduate program in an enjoyable, easy to understand, illustrated way.

Asking if a God fearing bible believing Christian parent would want their child to use condoms rather than nothing is like asking...

Would you rather have your child or teen smoke pot or do coccaine? (Neither are legal!)

Would you rather have your child rob Walmart or Bank of American? (Neither are legal!)

Would you rather be molested or raped? (Yes, there is a difference and the answer would be neither)

When someone is a teenager who IS NOT married,  has not graduated from high school, does not provide for themselves and cannot yet provide for themselves, etc... they DO NOT NEED to think that sex is okay or safe under any circumstances.

If your teens want to have sex... tell them to get married (if that is not "legal" because they are too young then they need to wait and obey the laws of the US).

Tell them to get a job, move out, and graduate from high school early from dual enrollment (then college would be free) and then once they do ALL THIS they have PROVEN that they are responsible and then and only then are they ready to think about marriage or sex or the lifelong consequences. If they want to do ADULT recreational activities, then they need to be ADULTS. If they can do all this before 15 or 16, the courts in many places will allow them to be emancipated and then they can make their own choices because they are "legal" adults. [I was emancipated, I worked towards the right to be an adult the right way, I got a job and I went to college at night while in high school because I wanted to be an adult, so I "earned" it. And by the time I was all done, I waited until I got married because I had too much to lose in my great life I created to disobey the God that blessed me or to risk getting an STD or pregnant].

Pregancy is not as much of a lifelong and limiting consequence for a young person as getting an STD. I would much rather get pregnant than contract genital herpes or HIV or PID or other diseases that can kill or make life terrible or steal the chances of being able to have children.

Children and teens that are so "into" sex, are so "into" it because they do not have their sights on anything better or greater in life. They need 1) God & Jesus and they need educational, financial, career, etc goals to work towards. They do not have enough to do, they are bored. They do not understand or realize their potential in the eyes of God their father & creator or their parents or to the people under them (children younger and their future children) that if they would instead funnel their energies into something more worthwhile than an orgasm... that they indeed have the power to change the future and the world.

I know that a lot of parents might not like hearing but what I am about to say but it needs to be said.

CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE UNSUPERVISED OR LEFT ALONE LONG ENOUGH FOR SEXUAL EXPLORATION TO BEGIN OR TAKE PLACE!

I was an educator of students and teachers, I have worked with toddlers, 4th grade, K6-12, and was a private nanny for babies of professors. My best friend worked in childcare pre-K. Both of us made lots of sacrifices to stay at home with our children.

Why? It is very important to me that my daughters do not have anything of a sexual nature happen to them. I do not want them to have any bondages of shame and guilt.

My aunt-in-law ran a daycare, FL state approved, from her home but I never let her watch my child. A few years later, she divorced her husband because while she was on a trip, he exposed himself to her adult daughter (in her twenties) and her elderly mother.

I was SO THANKFUL that I had not given into family pressures to let her watch my daughter so my husband and I could "go out" or have "date night" and I am so glad that I did not go back to work and leave my daughter there. All the children that she watched were so young that we might never know if he indeed did anything to them or exposed himself. And the parents of the children have no idea that he is now in trouble for those acts.

I did not let my in-laws ever watch my daughter. I am SO THANKFUL I did not because it turned out that they felt that nude sexual cartoon pictures on the refrigerator are appropriate for children to see and that sexually explicit screen savers on the computer in the living room are okay.

A few years into my marriage, my father in law grabbed me in an inappropriate sexual way and his wife was standing next to him while I was changing my daughters diaper. He also put his hand down my cousin in-law's pants at a family christmas event and she hit her husband not realizing it was her uncle-in-law. So I AM SO THANKFUL they were not alone with my child.

It would NOT BE ACCEPTABLE if a daycare provider or a teacher K5 - K12 told her supervisor, I was not watching the students for five minutes and so they explored each other. So if we hold our educators to such a high (and acceptable standard) then we should also make sure to always watch our children.

I know a man who was babysat by his mother's best friend's high school aged daughter, also his neighbors and the sister of his best friend. His high school sitter would do sexual things with him (elementary aged child) for winning board games. I asked if she did it to his young brother too and he did not know. This boy tried to have sex with other girls in 5th grade! This man became addicted to porn in elementary school and ended up sleeping around, never yet to this day, turning any woman who asked him for sex down ruining 2 long term relationships and 1 marriage to a model 12 years his junior. He thought if he married someone perfect and beautiful and younger he would never stray but his problem is within himself. He also struggled with drugs and other behaviors that seem to follow being molested and raised in a dysfunctional family.

That woman now babysits children in a Sunday School at a church and has NEVER been confronted. She had NO record. His mother used had her babysit so she and her husband could go on date night with her husband.

This woman could be babysitting other people's children right now and no one knows if she has changed or not. She has no record. And who knows how many other little boys she perverted.

Children may handle things well initially when they are little but when they get older and remember what happened, they can feel shame and guilt which can spiral into low self esteem, drug use, and promiscuity. I used to work in a nonprofit school and our clients where many girls who had been molested and when they hit the teenage age years, they spiraled down.

Even if things were not "their fault" they can still feel bad. Children who realize they lost their virginity or were fingered while playing "doctor" in kindergarten or 3rd grade or 5th grade, are not happy about this realization when they are teens.

When I was in 3rd grade, another 3rd grade boy tried to put his hands down my pants so I could "feel something cool" and I scratched him and ran out of the room. He had obviously been taught something somewhere, whether being molested or seeing pornagraphic images or pornagraphic movies.

I reacted in that way because MY maternal GRANDMOTHER told me about sex, body parts, being raped, etc so that I could protect myself because she had been raped as a young girl. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING SHE TOLD ME BEFORE I WENT INTO KINDERGARTEN, it helped me immensely.

Thousands of children are molested on playgrounds, at summer camps, at their friend's houses during sleep overs, etc and many of them DO NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT IT.

When I went to public school, nothing was done about the boys grabbing the girls in the breasts or the butt. I learned to scratch, bite, and slam people into shelves and lockers to get them to leave me alone. (This was before I became much more peaceful). I wrote the governor and the Washington Post about what was happening and I actually got responses. I went to Walker Middle School and Oak Rigde High School in Orlando, Fl. A friend of ours was raped in high school on campus. A few boys put date rape drugs in one of my drinks but I noticed the pill in the bottom and my then boyfriend beat them up and almost went to jail but got off since he was not 18 and due to the circumstances. However, some of the others who helped were over 18 and did time for defending me.

My paternal grandmother after over 70 years of holding it in, admitted that she felt violated when she stated at her Aunt home one time when she was about 7. The aunt and her husband put my grandmother on their table, stripped her naked, and sponged bathed her all over. She called her parents and begged them to let her come home and they ignored her. My grandmother never breastfeed her sons and was not touchy, feeling, etc and I firmly believe this is why. Her sons grew up into adults who felt starved for love and physical touch which lead to other issues.

I have a younger female relative who was molested in middle school by a high school GIRL when she went over to her house to pick up a CD the girl borrow from her. The older, larger girl pulled her in her house and molested her before giving her the CD and throwing her outside the house. Now this relative is in high school and is struggling with wondering if she is lesbian or not. I KNOW that this is due to the molestation issues.

I had a student that was raped by a man who grabbed her while she was walking to school, this girl was in high school.

I can list countless cases of situations that could be prevented if the children AND teenagers were simply not left alone. I realize that always making sure our children are supervised is not easy and teens do not always like the idea; however, if children are really our blessings from God then we need to cherish, treat, and guard them (the enemy is a roaring lion seeking someone to devour, be sober minded and vigilant at all times).

How many people would let someone they don't know at a childcare facility or a school watch their children but they would not let them same person stay in their million dollar mansion unsupervised for a week or use their corvette for a week if they had one? It seems that sometimes people care more about protecting their Rolex's, houses, cars, and diamond wedding rings than their children.

The next time we hand our children over to someone new or a teacher or a nanny or whomever, ask yourself would I hand over my 1 carat diamond, corvette, and access to my house to them? Do I know them? Did I background check them?

My children are more precious than any of these material things and they are also more precious than "date nights" or hobbies, activities, etc. to me because children are a blessing and inheritance from the Lord. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). What is he coming for? Our money or our children? Our children because they are our seed and control the future. God gives us wisdom and Jesus himself said that He did not trust himself to ANY man because HE KNEW what was in man's heart.

Thomas Jefferson was the author of this, but do you know where?

In a personal letter, NOT AN OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT.

And the phrase was taken out of the WHOLE sentence and PARAGRAPH and thus it has been used out of context for many years.

"For the first 150 years of America's history, the First Amendment meaning was clearly understood to prohibit the establish of a single national denomination." Dave Meyer

Thus:

"There is nothing so absurd, but if you repeat it often enough people will believe it." Dr. William James The Father of Modern Psychology.

In 1853, a group petitioned Congress to separate Christian principles from government, a so called "separation of church and state" however this was NOT the term used. The House and Congress investigated for almost a year and delivered a House report on March 27, 1854 with this:

"Had the people [the Founding Fathers] , during the Revolution, has a suspicion of any attempt to war against Christianity, that revolution would have been strangled in it's cradle. At the time of the adoption of the Constitution and the amendments, the universal sentiment was that Christianity should be encouraged, but not any one sect [denomination]... That was the religion of the founders of the republic, and they expected it to remain the religion of their descendants."

Two months later, the Judiciary Committee stated:

"The great, vital, and conservative element in our system, [the thing that holds our system together] is the belief of our people in the pure doctrines and divine truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

"The Committees declared that it was the original intent of the Founding Fathers to NOT separate the principles of Christianity that were our foundation of government and were responsible for our nation's success." Reference: David Barton

The truth shall set you free! Jesus is Savior. "Their sorrows shall be multiplied who choose another god." Psalm 16:4a

Psalm 15 amp

Lord, who shall dwell in your tabernacle? Who shall dwell on Your holy hill?

He who walks and lives uprightly and blamelessly, who works righteousness and justice and speaks and thinks the truth in his heart.

He who does not slander with his tongue, nor does evil to his friend, nor takes up a reproach against his neighbor;

In whose eyes a vile person is despised, but he who honors thsoe who fear the Lord (who revere and worship Him); who swears to his own hurt and does not change;

[He who] does not put out his money for interest [to one of his own people] an who will not take a bribe against the innocent {will not sell out another Christian for his own gain}. He who does these things shall never be moved.

What is so funny, is that I did not like history until I began teaching it to my daughter and we LOVE Thomas Jefferson! I did not like math until I taught it to students and "made it cool" as my students would say.

I love sharing the "truth." A wise person loves to learn the truth so they can be wiser still and a foolish person hates rebukes. We all have lots to learn and this discussion prompted some research on my part. As God would have it, I found a gorgeous old book of Thomas Jeffersons letters for only $1.00 that our library was giving away and a few timely articles on this subject just arrived in my mailbox. God's timing is perfect.

This is the way that I look at truth. If 2+2=4 then I would be silly to try to believe 2+3=4 or 2+2=5 when it simply does not. Maybe I have been taught wrong, if so, I would be happy to learn the truth.

How can I make my path straight if I do not know the "truth" or what is "right?" As much as we might want to argue that truth is relative because in art one person's truth (thin is beautiful) is different from another's (heavy is beautiful) - we cannot argue truth at a bank or a store, can we? Even if I want to "believe" that my $1 bill is a $100 bill, the store is not going to sell me the item without the "right" amount. And I believe that truth is very important in math, finance, and history (whether historical figures, quotes, or the truth about someone's life).

As an educator and a Christian, it is my responsibility and duty to get the truth out there. The devil is a liar and the father of all lies and he uses lies to pervert sex and the government and many more things. Let's shine the light on the truth about the use of the term "separation of Church and State."

Ignorance is not bliss. If I am ignorant and blind to a ditch, then I am going to fall into it if someone does not warn me. And if I share the lies with other people, then they are going to fall into the ditch too.