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Messages By: lculver

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October 12, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

To go back or not . . .

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.
 
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October 12, 2005, 4:30 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: missjane2

See when I read your story I said: AW How Sweet where's the box of kleenex?   Have you told him how your feel?  If so what was his response?
I told him I do still love him, he told me the same, we are just giving it time.  But will I forgive for what he has done, and will I forget about the friend?
 
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October 12, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: brillia

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

  

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

  

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

THANK YOU!
 
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October 14, 2005, 5:34 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: trappr

Hi Ladies, 

  

I have been reading everyone's stories on here about being in a marriage where there men either cut themselves off from the family with video games, or men who cheat on their wives, or husbands who are abusive physical or emotionally.  You all wondering why you stay?  I think for some women think if they stay for the children the kids won't place blame on either parent for their break-up. 

  

I am a product of a child who lived in a marriage where my father was an abusive, physically and mentally and emotionally to my mom, brother and myself.  My father was an alcoholic to start with their marriage.  WIthin the first year of marriage my father was have affairs with other women because my mother wasn't giving what he was looking for.  She was controlled to the point she couldn't do anything without his permission.  If she did something without his permission she got her ass beat to hell, and made both my brother and I watch the abuse.  I remember times I was screaming and telling him to stop hitting my mother.  I even stood infront of my mother to stop my father from hitting her and I would get hit instead and would take many blows for both my mom and my brother.   

  

My brother would get his ass beat up for losing a hockey game, cause he was the goalie and he didn't play the way my father wanted him to play.  It would frustrate my brother and came to the point he didn't want to play, but my father went and registrar him every year in hockey.  I was not allowed to play sports, i was too fat to be in sports and I was going to be a worthless mother and parent when I grew up.  I am the oldest and I went through alot of the pain growing up in this kind of marriage. 

  

I could tell you tons of stories, but I am sure you get the picture just reading this information.  I want to tell women in any kind of marriage where you are not getting the response you need from your husband, please leave him. He needs to get help for himself.  You can't help someone who can't help themselves.  Things will be tough when you leave, but your children will grow up to be more positive and good people as adults from it.   

  

Because of the life I have lived as a child, I am just starting in therapy because my realtionships with men have either been abusive, or i have been the one abusing them, or if the right guy comes along and wants to support me, i push him out of my life cause i was told I wasn't worth a good life.  I begged my mother many times to leave daddy, and go somewhere safe so we can be happy together.  To this day, she is still married to him, and he controls her every move.  He doesn't drink anymore, but he is still abusive and controlling and she is afraid to be alone so she won't leave him. 

  

If anything from my story, you see that your children will be more screwed up than anything.  I am 28 years old and I am just starting to fix up my life so I can have a loving relationship in my life.  I just wish there was a way I can help my mom, but I can't.  I hope this story inspires someone to leave their husband for good.  Thank you for your time. 

I could never believe someone would stay in this type of relationship, that is until I was in one, now I have left him, and I want him back.  I am trying so hard to stay strong, and stay away from him, I spend every night crying, I will be at work and the tears just flow, I left about 5 months ago and it is still bad if not worse for me.   

I will print your stories and keep reading them to remind me of the things that have happend to me and others, keep your fingers crossed for me, I will stay positive and try as hard as I can to not go back.  Thank you for your kind words, I wish the best for your mother, she is the reason I will try so hard not to go back, I don't want to live like that again, I feel her pain just reading your story.  I also hope the best for you.  Thanks for taking the time to share.  Take care of yourself. 

 

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