Messages By: lculver

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

Hi Ladies, 

I have been reading everyone's stories on here about being in a marriage where there men either cut themselves off from the family with video games, or men who cheat on their wives, or husbands who are abusive physical or emotionally.  You all wondering why you stay?  I think for some women think if they stay for the children the kids won't place blame on either parent for their break-up. 

I am a product of a child who lived in a marriage where my father was an abusive, physically and mentally and emotionally to my mom, brother and myself.  My father was an alcoholic to start with their marriage.  WIthin the first year of marriage my father was have affairs with other women because my mother wasn't giving what he was looking for.  She was controlled to the point she couldn't do anything without his permission.  If she did something without his permission she got her ass beat to hell, and made both my brother and I watch the abuse.  I remember times I was screaming and telling him to stop hitting my mother.  I even stood infront of my mother to stop my father from hitting her and I would get hit instead and would take many blows for both my mom and my brother.   

My brother would get his ass beat up for losing a hockey game, cause he was the goalie and he didn't play the way my father wanted him to play.  It would frustrate my brother and came to the point he didn't want to play, but my father went and registrar him every year in hockey.  I was not allowed to play sports, i was too fat to be in sports and I was going to be a worthless mother and parent when I grew up.  I am the oldest and I went through alot of the pain growing up in this kind of marriage. 

I could tell you tons of stories, but I am sure you get the picture just reading this information.  I want to tell women in any kind of marriage where you are not getting the response you need from your husband, please leave him. He needs to get help for himself.  You can't help someone who can't help themselves.  Things will be tough when you leave, but your children will grow up to be more positive and good people as adults from it.   

Because of the life I have lived as a child, I am just starting in therapy because my realtionships with men have either been abusive, or i have been the one abusing them, or if the right guy comes along and wants to support me, i push him out of my life cause i was told I wasn't worth a good life.  I begged my mother many times to leave daddy, and go somewhere safe so we can be happy together.  To this day, she is still married to him, and he controls her every move.  He doesn't drink anymore, but he is still abusive and controlling and she is afraid to be alone so she won't leave him. 

If anything from my story, you see that your children will be more screwed up than anything.  I am 28 years old and I am just starting to fix up my life so I can have a loving relationship in my life.  I just wish there was a way I can help my mom, but I can't.  I hope this story inspires someone to leave their husband for good.  Thank you for your time.