Quote From: catnipmouseA quick background: The relationship with my mother (80 years old) and sister has been strained for a few years. My sister lives with our mother. Recently I had not talked to them for 7 months except an occassional email from and to my sister.
Out of the clear blue my mother called me one day. She said she could talk because my sister was outside but she was scared my sister would find out. She went on to say that she feels like she's in prison and can't say anything to my sister to upset her. My sister has anger problems and my mother depends on her now to drive for her, cook for her, etc. So my mother protects herself by trying to keep my sister calm. (another background note is my sister, now 43, has been threatening to kill herself since she was 14). My mother also told me she'd changed her mind about leaving the house to my just my sister. The conversation ended when my sister came back in the house and my mother felt the need to hang up.
After that time I visited them a few times. One time I had the opportunity to talk to my mother alone in the car for only about 5 minutes. I asked her why she couldn't tell my sister what she told me over the phone. She said because she is afraid she'll get mad. She also said she feels like she's in a prison. The conversation ended when my sister came back to the car.
Another time I could talk to my mother for 2 minutes while my sister was in the bathroom. She still seemed the same way, was kind to me and acted normal.
A week later I emailed my sister and said I wanted to take our mother out to eat, alone! And I'd be there Wed. to pick her up.
I showed up, and before I even got in the door my mother was viciously verbally attacking me. Saying she isnt' going anywhere with me alone so I can go away. She said I can say anything I need in front of my sister. I asked if she really wanted to do that. She said yes. So I brought up what she'd said to me in private. My mother called me a liar, and that was the nicest thing that came out of her mouth. She was vicious and acted like a completely different person.
My mother has had small stokes. Do you think this is demenia?
Or do you think that my sister threatened her for days to not go anywhere with me? I would not put it past my sister to threaten to put our mother in a nursing home (her worst fear) if she were to go somewhere alone with me. My mother said things like "I'm not signing anything." I don't know how she got that in her head, I said nothing about signing anything. I wanted to ask her to maybe make a video that I could someday show my sister how our mother really felt and her true wishes.
My sister swears she is innocent, but something just doesn't seem right with this to me.
What can I do??? Does my mother have demenia or is this elder abuse? If she is so scared of my sister she is not even gong to tell a social worker the truth.
Help
What a sad story. No one on the message boards could confidently advise you what is happening health wise to your Mother. Her life seems very sad at the moment though. My own Mother died a number of years ago and she had a number of strokes which brought on dementia we believe. She lived with my sister and her family and she became so ill that there was no choice in the end and she had to go into a nursing home to be cared for. My sister always told me what was happening and I was involved in any decisions. May I suggest that for your own peace of mind you forget anything to do with wills and who is entitled to what. The most important thing is you re-establishing a relationship with your Mum while you have her still with you. Whatever you think maybe going on with your sister isn't the most important thing at the moment. You must try to get on with her and if possible with your sister and you will be able to see if there are big problems that might need a professional to resolve. But please try to get on with your Mum because you love her and put out of your mind anything to do with wills and who is entitled to what. Your sister may appreciate some help with looking after your Mum or just someone to listen to her problems.
Regards
