Messages By: momakababe

I don't think Mike has changed all that much.  This was said before when this show aired in March.  This wonderful "turn around" was way too quick & he didn't do this for concern for his wife & family he did the show to "prove the posted on the message board wrong.     

   

It must be real hard for him to admit being wrong.  Deanna defended him in the original show & she was STILL defending him & saying that the people posting here were a little to hard on him?!  Fom what I read & hear abuse victims often defend their abusers it's part of the cycle & so is the making up stage & the "honeymoon stage" where they look to the world like a perfect couple. After the original show they went home & in their words "Things got a lot worse" & they'd split up.  This wasn't the first time they'd split up & splitting up is part of the cycle too.  Then comes the Honeymoon phase & then the abuse comes back around & is usually worse.  Then the cycle comes back around again.   

   

He didn't say he was wrong in his controling behavior, they just avoid being around each other when she's doing the things he believes is "wrong" like brushing her teeth & showering!  I hope to heck I am wrong but this show was a repeat from like March & I'd love to know if this was the reality of theirnew life or just a honeymoon that's now over.    

   

In the original message board this couple had actually posted on the message board & I'd love to see 1 of them post here again.  I'd love to know if they're still back together &/or if Mike is getting any angerr management classes & if they're still in some kind of counseling?    

Loving my husband I couldn't imagine telling him that I'm not sexually attracted to him & that's why I want to swing & sleep with others.  While we of course want to be compatible in other areas besides sex I find it cruel of her to have married this man & then basically said she doesn't find him desireable.   

  

When we really love someone they don't even have to be good looking for us to find them desireable or to be attracted to them.  The expression "Love is blind" is the absolute truth & if we love someone we're blind to anything but the idea we want & desire them & that's emotinally & physically.   

  

As others have pointed out this couples child was right up stairs when this couple was having these sex parties & could have walked in at any time.  Dr. Phil was there trying to explain how to try to put pleasing your spouse before you own pleasure & because you love them take your pleasure from that.  I don't think that woman was capable of that because I think she is of a me me me mind set.  She doesn't think about her husband & his feelings & what he does or doesn't want & she doesn't even consider her daughter & her well being.  It's all me me me for her & what SHE finds attractive & what she WANTS.  How does someone like that come to understand finding satisfaction with someone else's pleasure?    

I'd love to see what has happened since this show originally aired.  While I don't condone drinking I think some how the idea that drinking becomes a diesease kind of makes it explainable.  It's not that it's right but I think I can intellegently understand this is a problem that needs treatment.  But this woman beating him up in front of her kids is just beyond my comprehenion.  How can she not know her kids are there?  And when she says she doesn't stop to see the kids are there all I can think is she needs to stop & look where the kids are!  With the picture of all those bruises she "didn't know?"  How can she not know and exactly where did she think the kids were?   

  

Of course now I'm 1/2 way through the show & it's clear because Dr. Phil has said she comes from this past & she's punishing her hubby because of her father, but still I'd think as a nurse she'd have access to so much help & she'd have knowledge of some of this stuff herself.  Frankly I don't think the kids should be allowed to remain in the house at all until these 2 get their lives straightened out.  The kids should go to family or friends until at least their mother has her anger issues under control.  Just my 2 cents.    

He asked the husband straight out "What the hell are you thinking when you start drinking?!"   

  

I don't believe she's responsible for her husband drinking, but she is responsible for her actions & she just didn't seem to want to admit she had a problem.  A person doesn't leave their spouse beaten & brused with the kids running from the room & not know it.  Even if it had been done in a fit of rage where she didn't realize they were in the room later she had to know if they weren't standing there seeing it they were in a different room at least hearing it.  This woman knows what it did to her to watch her father abuse her mother & yet in reality she's doing that very same thing to her kids.  Her daughter stood right there & watched as her mother kicked her father while he was down in a drunken stupor.  She did not want to look at the picture of her husband all bruised & that's because she'll not take the responsibility for what she's done.  She doesn't want to look at what she's done.  And yes as Dr. Phil makes her LOOK at, watch & own up to it she even got angry with him!  That's how she deals with things & it's hurtful to them all.  When questioned, according to her she's just "frustrated because he's always drunk," and while I understand he is indeed drunk an abuser is never to blame for their own actions & SHE IS an abuser.  She recognizes her husband putting the kids in danger by driving around with them in the car while he's drunk, but the kids have 2 parents & she's responsible for them getting in that car too.  She's also responsible for them SEEING their father get the crap kicked out of him.   

  

Now I don't believe this father isn't responsible at all, but I do believe that Dr. Phil was right in that this woman found a man who drinks just like her father & she can now beat her drinker unlike when she was a kid & was helpless.  You see how Dr. Phil had said her father said every thing she said was a lie?  Drunk or sober an abuser is *never at fault* & they do not take the blame for any of it.  She cannot make her husband seek help & she can't make him not drink but she CAN control her own behavior & seek the help that SHE NEEDS & she does need help.   

  

Until then she shouldn't be allowed to parent those children because she's not able to govern herself enough so that they are not in DANGER.   

I'm in the process of raising teens/young adults & let me tell you you don't know what you're talking about when it comes to raising them.  Unless you're a parent you just can't know & baby sitting doesn't count you're just baby sitting. If you were a parent you wouldn't have missed the messages that read like this   

  

"If I did not make all "A's" my Mom would cry - I felt like a worm.   

You know what I did? Because I could not live up to her expectations, I said, "what the heck...." I quit school at 17 and got married - to a man that took over where my Mom left off - assurring me that I was never good enough. " 

  

And then finished your post with the paragraph that started with the idea you don't believe the  "perfectionist seeking parenting style is ideal" ya think? 

  

Only God knows the damage this woman has done in her class room with other peoples kids & the messes that she's created for the parents (who really ARE raising kids) to have to clean up.   If a kid is told over & over that they don't quiet messure up they will eventually QUIT like the young lady who posted that before mentioned paragraph.  They will also think that this is the normal behavior of someone who loves us & seek that out in their future relationships & wahla you've got a domestic abuse situation in the making.  Now you don't think this is the Ideal parenting style?  Get real........ 

  

This woman has some real issues for HERSELF to deal with & that she needs to work on.  The last thing we need is for her to think this country needs her to turn out kids like that.  The reason work is out sourced to over seas is because it is cheeper period.  And yes, while children from other country are expected to do more I believe the suicide rate is also higher there.  The parents in other countries practise many different styles & customes than here in the USA & frankly I'm glad my parents didn't arrange who I'd marry.  I graduated with someone who was from India & he wasn't even allowed to date in High school.  While he was the validvictoria he felt left out of all the FUN.   

  

I'm in my 40's & I have to say that the kids today have a heck of a lot more to have to deal with than we ever did back in the day & the last thing they need is some nut parent "EXPECTING" what they are incapable of!  Again I don't think you know what you're talking about.  Wait until you actually are a mother & really raising kids & particularly teens, because it's a whole new world.   

Watching those little girls putting her hands over her ears as her mother beat the heck out of her father at the same time she was yelling was disturbing for all of the viewers.  Seeing them running from their living room & crying & trying to get out of Sheila's way during another beating was too painful to watch too.  I really wish that Dr. Phil would do some kind of follow up show or at least let everyone know if those kids are at least in a place that's safe now.  I believe that everyone who's accused of being "too judgemental" here were all just so frustrated & in the end angry too because we were all unable to reach out and pull those children to safety.  Knowing how much we all wanted to do just that it's infuriating to us all how these girls own mother didn't want to do the same.  I think it would be good for us all toknow they're at last in a safe place.   

socialization from nature (hardwired) or nurturing (taught behaviors)?  I wouldn't discount either as being "bull" but rather I believe both would play a part.  I believe we're certainly hardwired for a great deal of our personality but I also believe the influences around us can have a huge effect on who we are & how we behave.   A child of abuse may very well continue the pattern in their adult life & yet they may not & I believe that's part of the "hardwiring" but for the children that do repeat the behavior if they hadn't been influenced by abuse in their life, regardless of the hard wiring, there would be no abuse influence to repeat.  So yes it's hardwiring but the influence (IMO) still has to be there.  A person can be born shy, or some people can be taught through ridicule to become shy.  I've fraternal twins & while they're both friendly & outgoing 1 is that much MORE outgoing.  Among even identical twins where they have the exact same "hardwiring" there will still be differences in personality & while we have the same parental influences as they grown up the influences change with different friends & schools etc.   I believe that's part of their personality development.   

   

I think it becomes a problem when a child is unable to be social with their own group because they are going to miss their childhood.  Intellegually smart or not I think we're all intitled to each different phase of our life & all that it should bring with it.   

   

I think to say that someone is simply hardwired is to wash our hands of being able to give them the skills to be a positive part of society.  I don't believe there is a mold we all need to fit but social skills I believe are important.  This isn't only for the children who are shy but for the agressors in school who may have their behavior explained away as "That's just their way & it's hardwiring".  We can & should teach kindness & to have emptahy for others.  This would help cut back on a LOT of the misery of the kids in all levels of school.  just my opinion of course.   

And this is how kids should be raise.  Lindsey your parents sound very much like us here & they should be commended.  I believe this is EXACTLY what Dr. Phil meant when he said you want a "well rounded young woman".   

  

There are specific things here that to me are huge as to why you are the wayyou are "We were all raised not to talk about our IQs or anything like that, and to treat people with respect.  It can easily go the other way though: I've seen people drop out of school and waste all their talents because their parents didn't take the time to teach them social skills. "  parents do give us the social skills to be able to relate to others & they are taught.  When they are not taught (to the gifted or on grade kids) it can & does go the opposite way.  You said you're a "gifted raised normal" and that again is huge because you were made to understand that you ARE NORMAL & you just had the your talents pointed out.   

  

And this is what all parents of gifted or other wise children should aspire to do.   

I don't blame your sister for all the animals.  I'd rather clean up (or not be able to keep up) with a whole hoard of animals rather than people.  People are SO judgemental as though they themselves are perfect & can be down right mean spirited.  LOL  No matter what my dogs would never threaten to take pictures or threaten anything else.  They're just happy for my company.   I find it sad that people aren't as loyal & loving.    

I agree that volunteering is such a help when it comes to feeling depressed.  Depression can be like a vortex or for me it's SAD (it's like a seasonal depression) that's a vortex & the feeling of helplessness could be something to start pulling you in.  I find that to pull up & out of SAD it takes small steps that sparks a positive thought or view & then I can start grabing hold of more positive stuff.   

  

Watching TV & seeing all the horrible images makes us feel that we're helpless to the person we're watching (we can't reach through the screen & feed & comfort), BUT when you're right there organizing clothing or helping to sort of pack up donated supplies you know in your mind that there's going to be someone on the other end that is going to be feed & comforted.  Imagining the face of that person is a positive & the idea that the 1 person is reall MANY that are going to be grateful for the donations you'd helped with multipies that feeling or should.  This is something to grab onto to pull up & out of the depression.  Taking care of the automatic tasks at hand & then occupying your mind with organizing or with volunteering helps to take our mind off ourselves &/or how helpless *I* am.     

  

It's hard to turn the TV off sometimes because we know somewhere these people on TV can't turn off their situation & so we feel guilty.  But we should turn the TV off because it's not us burying a head in the sand it's doing what needs to be done so we are of a real help.  Continuing to watch TV & becoming depressed & upset isn't of a help to them or us.