Messages By: momakababe

http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html  Do some reading & try to stay open tothe things that you are reading.  Perhpas you just haven't found the correct avenue to find a real place for help or a way that works to relieve you of your anger.   If you go back to the page that this show has the description on there are several links at the bottom of the page that may be of help to you as well. I have to tell you I was a smoker for 23 years & thought that it was just was not possible for me to quit.  I'd tried so many times!!!!!!!!!  but then 1 day a tip from a doctor through a friend & another tip from a doctor through my husband put me onto the new medication "Wellbutrine".  I wasn't even sure it would work but I so despreately wanted that monkey off my back!  well this Oct. 31st will be 3 years since I quit smoking & life is just sooooo good that I did.  What worked for some just didn't help me & I know what worked for me wouldn't work for many others either.  Maybe you just haven't found what will give you relief either.  Keep looking for your help & don't give up it's so worth it when you find it.  

But I do think that a huge part of recovery is actually seeing you have a problem & I think that's her problem she doesn't.  Look how many are here that identify with her & while they "feel sorry for the kids too" they'll understand why she does what she does & try to put the responsibility on all but her!?  I think this is the way that she & others are able to continue with their behavior to say "this is why" the responsibility is on someone else & they go along "wishing to change".  But I think this is just part of the distortion created by what ever trauma they had in their life at some point you know what I mean?  It is interesting how there are such different out comes when a child of abuse grows up.  I mean there are some who continue the cycle & then others that resolve to not ever let that happen & they don't.   

  

For you I believe you recognizing it sets you up to see your limit & control it.  Good for you for allowing yourself the self discovery & the strenght to grow this way.    

It's all so disgustingly unjust for these children & yes while I feel for people who've suffered & the result is them having emotional problems later I understand it's unfair but to leave these kids in such danger is to just continue it all.   

  

you said "The male in the home was arrested 2 years later for sexually assaulting her. The child had to put up with an extra 2 years of abuse due to the failure of Social Services to accept that a 4 year old girl who is even aware of oral sex is in a dangerous situation. The mother, who knew about both the reports and the abuse was granted full custody of the little girl. (wow, what a winning situation for that child) " 

  

This to me is our children being left to the mercy of people emotionally unbalanced & society failing them.  This is all to not hurt the feelings of adults & to protect those "rights".  Yes this is the stuff my anger management problem is made of.  It's just shameful to us as a society that this is allowed to go on.  Whatever the out come it is others like you who will call that gives me hope & on behalf of the child you tried to help I thank you! 

  

  

 I find it amazing how your posts would be blocked for whatever reason & they'd go to that lenghts to keep the boards running smoothly or keep them from becoming insulting or upsetting or whatever they were trying to protect the readers from, when the boards are so user unfriendly that posters are going to need anger management classes too. 

  

Ok with that vented out I wanted to address your post because I think it's important.  When you say that the comments being made here on the message boards are as damaging as what was caught on film I can only hope that you're not speaking of the children & what was done to them in the fim clip.  1st I don't believe that it's really appropriate for any children to even be here on these message boards & this is an adult discussion.  2nd It would be even more inappropriate for the children from the show because children identify with their parent no matter what problems they have & commenting on a parent we might as well comment on the children themselves.  Or in other words children feel they're an extention of their parents & when we use hurtful words torward a parent it's even more painful to the children.  Again I hope the children are not reading the message boards here.   

  

I can only hope you're not referring to the mother in this show reading this board & now it's done more harm & made her even worse than she was before and she's raging because of it.   

  

I believe this board is for the discussion of this so that others that identify with it can take something away from it.  I believe that just as though who have a connection to the mother who is raging that even more so there are abuse survivors who feel a connection to the daughters & this is the place for them to reach out to each other.  This is a positive manner of talking out what's happened on the show & in their lives.   

  

You had said "alot of these people here are ranting and raving about things they saw in a 1 hour show.  Things they had no part of.  Again, im not excusing the situation here, but if these people have problems of their own then they need to get those fixed before they start attacking or trying to diagnose someone else?" 

  

I believe people who are survivors of abuse are ranting & raving because they DO identify & feel the HAVE been a part of it.  They've lived through what these girls must indure.  I'm not one of them & haven't experienced abuse.  What I have done is seen abuse from the out side & was helpless to really help the children.  I believe many people are just frustrated that there are so many children in harms way & it's at the hands of the very people who are suppose to be protecting them & those of us on the outside aren't suppose to judge them or even get involved.  This message board not only serves as a way to discuss what has happened but a way for people to address others that are just like this mother on the show.  Look how many came here & identified with her & her anger & said "I'm just like her"  & 1 had even said that when you're a child of abuse you don't know any other way & no one ever told them different.  That is what this board is for to tell them "different".  Abuse is not right and  it isn't just physical but emotional abuse too.  This is what social services is here for and if saying that is hurtful for judgemental I'm sorry but no I do not believe children should be returned to a parent that is this out of control until it's absolutely certain that help has been sought & that it has WORKED.   I also believe that there should be a national registry so that these children are checked on & not lost do to moving etc.  I don't care what the reason for the raging is emotional, medical whatever it doesn't matter.  What matters is that these children & others that are in danger are saved from them.   

  

People should just go off & mind their own business, because that's the way that abuse continues.  Our children are innocent victims & need protecting & if it's from their own parents then someone from outside needs to step up & be willing to not mind their own business.   I'm glad you got the help that you'd gone looking for & even more I hope your children find the safe haven that the word "home" is suppose to mean.   

I absolutely agree.  I'm not sure if it's just because I try to be aware or what but over the years things that are suppose to be "family secrets" or other things that are a danger to kids have just presented themself to me.  Sometimes unsure of something I've "seen" if it's just a kid normally giving a parent a hard time or a kid with someone they didn't know?!   Hard to know how to act or react sometimes.  Sometimes being "aware" of things around us we pick up on things that are lost on others or go unnoticed.  Sometimes we do have to step in to help a child of someone else & I think for many it's easier to not look.  It's not always pretty & when you can't help it hurts.   

  

But yes I agree with everything you've said & I take the protection of children very seriously.  I also think the more we talk about it that the more others "see" & even those who are still keeping the secret you know?   I believe it gives them some kind of reassurance that they aren't to fault & they're not really alone & maybe they'll be more likely to seek some kind of help for themself you know?   Anyway do keep talking to your friend & others about what you know it helps more than we think.   

I'm a DIL & a MIL to be & I'm going to tell you what I just told my future DIL & her mother just last week.  This topic of "in-laws" came up because of a storie of another MIL I'd heard.  I swore that I would not EVER alienate (sp?) my future DIL & I told her straight out that it's my fondest wish for us to be friends & for her to know she can always come to me for whatever she needs.  I told her while she's certainly part of our family now I cannot really be a mother to her because she's already got one, but I'd do everything I could to help support her & my sons life together.  I told her that if there was ever a time she felt I was over stepping my position to please just talk to me as she would a friend & we'd work it out.  Last but not least I told her that the sift of my sons loyalty should be from me to her & I knew this.  My son being loyal to his wife before *anyone else* means that I've done my job as his mother well & he's learned from me & his father how his wife should be treated.   

  

I do understand the bond between a mother & son (I have 3) but when they take a wife we need to take a step back & let his wife take her place beside him. They're partners & we are no longer part of their decision making process.  There's no room for more than 1 partner in a marriage.  The parents need to back off & let them bond & their marriage develope with out interference.   

You son has told you as you say "very clearly" that he always wants you to call before a visit. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is an "acceptable basis" because he finds it acceptable for you to ALWAYS CALL.  I don't think that's too big of a thing for you to do & if he's made this clear why would you continue to question it?  This is where in-laws create a rift & then can't understand why their in-laws don't want to visit at all.  Your son has set a boundry & you shouldn't question any boundries at all & you should just respect it period.   

  

just my opinion    

Let me just say you know you're old when you start a sentence by saying "girls/boys/kids/people today" & then go on to mention what they do or don't do from "back when I was a girl/guy".   It use to be thought that a womans place was in the home but that doesn't exactly still hold true now does it & can you imagine your man telling you that's where he wants you & doing "womans work" while you're there?  If I recall correctly "back in the day" girls were just as "evil" & tricking men (or those mama boys) into bed to trap them in marriage & of course my personal favorite "getting themselves pregnant" as though their baby boys had nothing to do with it.   

  

I can assure you I absolutely live in the "real world" even though it doesn't it's a different view than your.  I've raised sons too and I know it can be difficult to let go, but letting go of our kids is a part of life & a DIL taking over is as natural as you having given birth.  The parents need to back off & let them be a couple period.  If you want to be a part of your sons & DIL's life I suggest trying some "mutual respect" you know that's the kind you have to earn............ 

Why are you addressing this to me?  where did I say it isn't "common manners & common sense"?  I'm going to repeat what you had already quoted me saying 

  

"You son has told you as you say "very clearly" that he always wants you to call before a visit. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is an "acceptable basis" because he finds it acceptable for you to ALWAYS CALL.  I don't think that's too big of a thing for you to do & if he's made this clear why would you continue to question it?  This is where in-laws create a rift & then can't understand why their in-laws don't want to visit at all.  Your son has set a boundry & you shouldn't question any boundries at all & you should just respect it period. " 

  

I KNOW that it's common manners & common sense to call before coming over & yes OF COURSE I KNOW that when you call you're actually asking permission or it's posed as a question!!!!!!!   This however doesn't mean a flying thing because it was beside the point that her SON SET A BOUNDRY & WAS STILL ARGUING IT & CHECKING WITH OTHERS LOOKING FOR THEM TO SIDE WITH HER SO SHE HAS MORE OF AN ARGUMENT TO FACE HIM WITH.   I don't care what rule it is or how it does or doesn't fit in with societies deffinition of manners etc.  The point was the woman was told point blank what he & his wife wanted & what was expected & STILL she wouldn't just respect them as a grown up couple & the rules of THIER HOME.  Dr. Phil has said this umpteen times & still people do not get this. 

I mean you're pretty factual here yourself at the same time you're telling someone else not to state facts if they're not in the situation.  Does that mean you ARE in the situation?  You seem pretty aggressive in your posts here are you the mom?   I have to say that it's scary to see your posts here looking like you're still angry at the same time you've been allowed to return to the home your kids are in.    You'd mentioned in another post that the "heavens" & others were on the "mothers side".  Do you see this as "their side" & "your side"?  When you speak of how "they are at this time only helping the mother not the children and father and this is a month and 3 days out from when the show was even taped" you almost sound as though you're saying this in an defiant "ha ha they didn't get any help, I did" kind of way.  Does it anger you that people have empathy for what your daughters have to endure?  If they haven't gotten any counseling I should hope that you would seek that out for your children on your own.  I can only imagine how much pain they've suffered.  

  

If your husband actually knew what to do then why wasn't that the solution he would have just used instead of needing to go to Dr. Phil in the first place?  & I mean if he could actually difuse the rage then wouldn't he just always do that or was he only able to control the situation when he was there?  If he allowed the raging to go on while the scene was being taped so Dr. Phil could see what the mother is "really like" then why was the audience not told?  Wouldn't that have been part of the information taken into consideration?  If this was known & not spoken of what else was with held from the audience? 

  

If it was thought to be a medical condition or part of one why wasn't that talked about on the show on the air?  I mean if this is part of a bi-polar condition or depression then that should have been brought up even if it was just suspected by Dr. Phil, because there are others watching & waiting to see an out come so they too can perhaps identify or make a connection to their own problem & get treatment.  If many Drs. had been sought out & it had gone undiagnosed or had been misdiagnosed then this is even more vital information to the public.  While this segment was not just to help the people on the show it's also to reach others having the same problems.  If they don't know the whole story then just like you they're going to be misdiagnosed or not diagnosed & what would the point be of airing it in the first place? 

  

As I said in a prior post I do hope you all get the help you need but most importantly I hope for your daughters a home that is what a home is suppose to be and that's a safe haven.  I imagine as the mother you'd want the same right?