Messages By: momakababe

Hi Hope,  You poor thing please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers for relief from the physical and emotional pain you're experiencing.  I wanted to metion as the last person did that you should really be seeking a good mal practice lawyer and see what kind of help they can give you as far as seeing the doctors, hospital and other medical professionals who did this to you do not go unpunished for this.  I don't believe in frivolous law suits and I believe they given anyone with a real reason for a law suit a bad name but yours is a REAL reason for a law suit.  These doctors and others need to be made accountable for what they have done so they do not do this again!  It isn't just the doctor/surgeon that is responsible here but the hospital that he was using to operate.   

In the mean time I think you may want to copy & past your post here to an email to the producers of this show & directly to Dr. Phil too.  I'm not sure if they even read these message boards but even if they do it'll help reinforce that you need some help.  Frankly I think this would be a great topic for a show if they haven't already done it.  "The stories you don't see on Extreme Makeover".  I agree that sometimes people in a position like Dr. Phil might have connections to people and things that could help someone in your position.  I would also do a search on google to see if there are surgeons who specializes in this kind of reconstructive surgery.  I think one of the plastic surgeons that was on one of those shows also scooped out a woman who'd had some real damage done to her & he fixed her.  I seem to remember thinking that it was a great show to see because at the same time he was showing what could go wrong he was showing that it isn't just about vanity but there's a humanitarin aspect to what he does.  Just like Dr. Phil many of these surgeons are in a position where they know others & have great connections & do a lot more helping of people in need than most realize.   

I hope something said here gives you some comfort of hope and perhaps an avenue you hadn't thought of that is of some real help.  At the very least know that you are included in my prayers & please come back and let us know here what progress you've made.  Oh & also if everyone reading here was to copy & passt her message to Dr. Phil & producers maybe they'd see there really is an audiance for this show.  I know I'll send it to them.   

"To this day many women are still caught up in putting up with all kinds of bad behavior from their guys because they feel they don't have any other options if they want someone to marry them.  

 Where as men will leave or threaten to leave at the drop of a hat because they know they have that control over the relationship.  I've herad so many women say that they gave up who they were and their lives to fit what the man in their life wanted.  

I think bridezillas are just those same women getting their revenge. It is their way of saying "@#$% You!" to a society that doesn't value them until they get married and an outlet for all they had to put up with from their guy to get to the point of marrying in the first place. It's finally THEIR day.  " 

Women in this day and age are so much more less like to "have to marry" where once there was a rush because a woman *needed* to be married and have a man there to support her finacially.  This is just not the case today & hasn't been for some time.  There is NO reason for a woman to feel desperate to marry and they shouldn't be looking to get married because they "want to be married" .  When I married my husband it wasn't because I found a guy who was willing to marry me and didn't give me too difficult of a time.  Getting married and being in a relationship is suppose to be a shared responsiblity to being committed to each other & there shouldn't be any one of them that is "controlling the relationship" .  If there is they don't understand what a relationship like this or marriage is & they shouldn't get married at all!  I believe that the women who feel they're not "valued by society because they're single" are just looking for excuses for childish behavior & are too immature emotionally for the responsibility of being 1/2 of a commited partnership.   

When you "find the right guy" it isn't just because he fits into a particular set of rules you've set up for yourself or for him but it's because you love who he is!  When you're with him you love it and you always want to be there.  When you've been spending a lot of time together &you always want it that way &/or more of that then that is the right guy.  It isn't because you've finally "landed you a man & you want to be a married woman. 

There is NO excuse for acting the way these ladies do.  Actually from the time of yesteryear to this day & age women whould be a LOT more gracious than ever because the womenof yesteryear had hardly any say about what waszs going to happen & that just isn't the case today.   

And this my friend is why you're "happily married".  Those vows you mentioned are because life can be real hard sometimes & so we fall back on what we vowed to each other. A couple who start out as loving partners working on making a life for the 2 of them are "working together" and when time gets tough they'll be more likely to present a united front & wheather the storm.  This is how you hear some people say the hard times had "brought us so much closer."  It's sad that it's become a battle for control for so many and they'll never understand the real meaning of the kind of wedding you're talking about.   

When I say this was "my day" in reference to my wedding I mean it was the day I got to take my vows to a man I knew I wanted to be with the rest of my life.  It was "my day" for the huge celebration of finding this wonderful person.  And of course when I was "huge" it's more descriptive of the the emotion I had for him & he for me and how it felt like it was just bursting from us.  Our whole wedding of 100 people to us seemed huge but apparently in todays standards I think it's more like a back yard party.   And the back yard party would have been fine with us too.  :)  We all had celebrations like that when I was married way back when.  Some of the women around me had started to put on these huge weddings & going nuts & I could never understand it because all I wanted was to be a wife to my husband and vise versa.  We wanted to be that united couple.  I've never regreted it but sadly I think most of those women who were going nuts are mostly divorced today.  I think the reasoning behind getting married is blurred for them.  It's about walking down that isle in a white gown & showing howmany friends you have etc.  I think it's more of a social status showing of sorts.   

I've been married for 24 years & I can tell you your attitude toward marriage & start to your married life will carry youa lot farther than some huge wedding and being "in control" of your spouse.     

1st I love your picture it's very mysterious & second on your friends wedding and how special it was I think it really does my heart good to hear your story & other who had a meaningday like that.  I think this is what I meant when I say that it is the brides day but for many around her it's something they've thought of and/or dreamt about too you know?  Her mother & father & men don't think about it but their parents do.  As a women we feel we only get this opportunity once in our life but with each child we only get one go around as well.  And the sentiment or the emotional overflow of your friends day is what made an impression on you that has left you with a lasting image of their day and the role you played in it.  This is what a wedding day is really all about and  this is what we all want to remember and have others remember when they look back at our special day.   

With that said I also agree with you on Rachel's mother.  I think it's kind of easy for us as a mother to think it's "our daughters wedding day" and start to impose our will on her.  I also think that because of all the real diva's that become these monster like Bridezilla's now if a daughter is saying "This is my wedding and I want peach not green on the decor" it's easy for her to be labled aa "Bridezilla" when in reality what Rachel is saying is just what Dr. Phil had almost ended with "Mom you had your own wedding and day right & now it's her turn?"     Rachel didn't have a problem with anyone but her mother and yes I can understand her mother giving her a budge or just a certain amount of money and saying she had to say within it, but after that it is her daughters wedding.   I hope her mother & Rachel stopped to reevaluate the situation because this is a very special time for a mother and a daughter.  Having all sons I can only imagine and am a little envious of the mothers who'll get to sit looking through wedding mags with their daughters & chat & giggle over lunch while making the plans and shopping and such.  I've such fond memories of my own parents when I married and my husband and I both knew & verbalized how lucky we were that our mothers were SO GOOD about everything.  I only hope that when it's my DIL that I'm able to be as gracious and giving as my own MIL.  I'm going to have toremember to thank both of our mothers once again.  LOL  Anyway what Imean is that I think when there's all that love around you & the couple is so genuinly in love it's just contagious & that's what the day & spirit of the day & events leading up to it should really be.  And then people come away & even years later remember fondly like you do to your friends wedding day.  That's the image we all want to have years later & not one of a Bridezilla or of our mothers giving us a hard time.  I hope she & her mother were able to come together because later all that will be remembered is the good or the bad when the colors & such didn't really even matter.  It's all fluff and the real stuff that matters is what we take away & the memories we create to remember like you & your friend.  That is the important stuff.   

You know I really think that some women just get confused as to what the important things in life really are.  I mean if this woman wants a "rainbow wedding" but she's already married well then "oh well".   Does she really want to put distance between her & her new DIL over the colors she wants in someone else's wedding?   

Your colours sound just lovely and you should not change anything that you want because someone else wants a different color.  This is where I believe the thought of  "It's MY wedding" is very appropriate.  Of course it's also a funny thing about seeing a child get married and even when they're a little older like these days.  I think from the perspective of a mother I've heard myself say things that are out of character for me & caught myself after the fact.  I'm not sure if that makes sense but it's kind of like when you say something you just don't mean & you're not even sure why you did.  With that said as far as advice this is what I would do depending on who this future MIL is.  If she is someone who was warm & friendly to you prior to this & now she is not speaking to you I would sti with her completely alone just the 2 of you & I would in the most sincere way tell her how much you're looking forward to your wedding day & marrying her son.  I would tell her how much his happiness means to me and how lucky I feel to have found him and that I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that sprirt of your day.  And then I would tell her that you're sorry that she's so upset over the colors that she's not speaking to you.  And I would just humble myself at the same time I'd be sticking to my guns and say something like "I hope we can get past this because I'd rather be close to you  than having something like this that creates a distance."  I think for the person in the middle this is very painful  for a man to have his mother & wife angry with each other & speaking ill of each other is something that hurts.  I would tell my sincerely that this is not the relationship I want with my MIL/DIL & I have actually done this.  My future DIL and I have had this conversation right up front & frankly I think it's put us on a much more level ground with each other.  She's a lovely gril & I told her straight out that we're (my husband and I) tickled with his selection in his future bride & that being human I know we're going to make mistakes & so if there's anything that I ever do that makes her feel hurt or hurts her feelings to please just come right to me and speak up & we'll just talk it out.  I told her I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her & frankly it has endeared us to each other.   This is the avenue that I would take with your future MIL just try to make her see that you're not trying to be a "Bridezilla" but you & your husband had picked the colors & then start talking girl talk as in how you want everything to coordinate & color etc.  Frankly it is true that there are so many choices out ther that we could plan several different weddings & I'd tell her that & that the rainbow colors sound really great & you hope she'll like the colors you'd picked etc.  Just do the girl talk thing.  It could be she just needs time to calm down too & she may just be being quiet to give herself time to get over it.  You could just give her some time & then just start talking like nothing happened.  But I think a more direct route works best.   

Sorry this is solong I guess it tourned into a book.  :)   

and I think it's very easy now because of all the REAL Bridezilla to just lable a daughter a "Bridezilla" when she insists on the choices of her wedding day being hers.   The real Bridezilla where having trouble with *everyone*  but this young woman was only having trouble with her mother & that's because her mother was insisting on making all the decisions about her *daughters wedding*.  Dr. Phil was right this mother had her wedding & picked out her things & now it's the daughters turn.   

I think a good point in this with the mother and daughter is that there were no problems with the future husband!  He would not dare try to intervine because no one wants to not be liked by their future in laws & yet this is HIS wedding too.  It should be the bride first & then HIM in the decision process and that doesn't matter who is helping with the finances of this wedding.  If helping to pay for the wedding was conditional on them (the parents) being able to plan the whole affair they should have said that up front.  This mother was paying for a portion of this wedding but she wasn't paying for the whole thing & this is a day for the "Bride & Groom" and it should be what they want.  There's nothing wrong with the mother giving a monetary amount & then saying "that's the budget & anything over that you have to pay yourself"  then she should back off & let this young woman have the "all white winter wedding" she wanted because it is *her* wedding"  There's supportive and then there's insisting on your way & that is what this mother was doing & when people would become loud in disapproving of the daughter her mother would encourage it & egg them on like by pretending to play the violin.  I thought she was very humiliating to this young woman & while this woman is her daughter & young she is not a child & her mother shouldn't be telling her what to do.  Just like we keep saying that many of these Bridezilla don't get the idea of what the day is & what's really important for many these meddling mothers don't get what's important either!  Does she want her daughter to look back & remember how her mother made fun of her & gave her a hard time about the colors of her wedding or maybe she'd want to look back and remember a mother who sat *with her* looking at the wedding stuff with a sincere interest in this wedding and really helping this daughter with the things *she wanted*?  That's supportive & that is loving.  This is what I remember of my mother & my MIL and even though it's 24 years later I swear tomorrow I'm calling them up to thank themonce again!   

I don't think this young bride wanting an all white winter wedding & the followers she wants is just a whim and I don't think her pointing out that it's her wedding & wanting what she wants is her acting like a monster those are her choices for her wedding and she should be allowed that.   

My sons are certainly no monsters and I wouldn't ever tolerate them acting as such but as children or adults I'd never publicly humiliate them the way this mother did today.  We tend to get what we give & most behaviors are taught & lets face it this woman is the mother who raised this young woman.   

and I agree that Rachael was over the top with the budget but I think that this mother was so forceful that Rachael was digging in her heels to get her way with particular things  that she wanted.  I thought it was interesting that when Dr. Phill pulled out the list he had of all the things the mother got her way on & asked "so what's up with you wanting the colors your way & such?  I mean what does that matter to you?"  & she tried to say well I did suggest those thing but & he cut her off & said "Umm those are the things you wanted & you got I've got the whole list of the things you got your way on"  & he put them on the over head projector.  I think just that lends credibility that this mother makes up certain things that her daughter said or didn't say.  I think a lot of people can twist things to the way they want to see them & make themselves look like the victim & that's the part the mother was playing.   

Like you I'm the mother of 3 sons & we just had 1 get engaged last summer.  The engagement party we gave was a pretty big deal for us here & so much fun since I've no daughters.  My husband & I gave it with the knowledge that the other parties are really up to the bride & her family etc.  Of course if they needed help they know they could come to us & we'd again help out but if I said "Ok hey, I'll pay for the tuxes" I wouldn't say they have to be the ones or the color I pick out!?  What the heck is that all about?  Neither my mother or my mother-in-law ever did anything like that to me & my husband.  I felt sorry for the poor husband to be who looked petrified to get in the middle.  Can you imagine trying to help your wife with a MIL who's saying "You can make the decisions when you're paying for the whole thing!"????   

If my mother or MIL acted that way I probably would have just eloped!  I couldn't have had a wedding & not invited my mother & then I couldn't have expected my husband to do the same either.  How heartbreaking all the way around huh?  Again these women need to learn what is really important & that's the real bridezillas and the motherzilla's too! 

and I believe another poster here who pointed out how much power a woman today has you have to own responsiblitiy for your own life!  All these things that women are doing because "men have a set of rules" they're not doing because someone has a gun to their head!  If a man is "asking you to move in" & do all those things there's a very easy answer to not being taken advantage of & that answer is "No thank you".   

I'm not not just "dismissing" women because I'm happy I'm saying you need to be responsible for you.  Again in the words of Dr. Phil you cannot control anything anyone else does only what YOU do & so if you accept being treated like a booty call maid then that's how you will be seen.   

My husband of course I appreciate him & he appreciates ME too!  He'd NEVER tolerate the way those women act & perhaps THAT is the problem for the women that are on the ummm what are they DESPERATION boards?   And this is my whole point if there are women on a "I'm ready to be married board" & any of these women find a guy who's "willing to marry them" they'll just jump & they'll clean their houses & sleep with them & do this, that & ANYTHING just to be able to get married.  & then it is THEM & YOU that are putting the all mighty importance on not being single &/or being married & this lack of value you say is from society is in reality SELF IMPOSSED!   

I've a great great friend who just got engaged at the age of 44 yrs. old.  She's not ever married & has worked a great job, had many wonderful friends & has had a very fullfilling adult responsible life.  She didn't not marry until now because she "wasn't ready" it was because the right person hadn't come along!  As I said I've been married for some time & when I was married there were many women already being encouraged to go to college & have a life of their own first etc.  But the importance of a man & them taking care of you was still a very big part of reality & the desperation back then was even more so than today.  There were no message boards but everyone knew you had to "get you a catch" or you'd be passed by, an old maid or over the hill.  I had MANY proposals before I said yes to the "right guy" because I had a mother telling me the same thing I'm trying to say here don't "settle" for less than the real thing out of desperation, because you're either going to be miserable or divorced or both if you do.  She was right & me holding out unlike the many others sees me 24 yrs. later still happy & married!  My girlfriend?  She's had her dates & a happy life & now her day will come & she'll be with the right guy & no she's never been married but she's never been divorced either!  She never impossed that value of having a man on herself & neither have any of those real people around her that mattered like her friends & family.   

Life is what you make it & what you accept.  If people are taking advantage of you it's because you're letting them.  And since I've several sons & 1 who'll walk across fire for the young woman who'd not allow that treatment either I can certainly say that they are another case in point that respect is something that is commanded & if she was the kind to just say "OKKKK " to whatever so she wouldn't be without a guy then he probably wouldn't want to be with her.  The kind of men we attract are the kind that like a woman with a real back bone & who don't act desperate. 

first I don't remember anyone saying anything about expecting others to drive drunken.  I was just to a wedding last summer & there was drinking and even dancing which this mother didn't want either & no one was killed in a drunk driving accident.  I believe many guests stayed at the hotel that was next door & others all had designated drivers.  My husband never drinks when we're out & 1 or 2 glasses of wine are my limit when I'm not driving.  If people are drinking *they* are responsible for how they get home not the bride & groom.   

second as for your post directed to me that went like this  

"you say it was only with the mom,,,but when they showed the clips when she was out shopping,,,she was very rude to many different people...maybe i didn't see it right.  didn't she scream at a sales lady for accidently stepping on her veil???  anyone defending this "rachel" must of expected their parents to flip the bill for their weddings,,,i can't imagine why anyone would defend her behavior,,,no matter what the mother did wrong.  This Rachel was a brat and she is definitely not ready for marriage.  At least she found a guy who will put up with her,,,he is probably questioning himself after today's show.  Gosh, it must be nice to be as mean as you want and still have people love you,,,i don't know any men who would put up with that,,,its almost miraculous!!!" 

Ok first as far as "anyone defending this "rachel must of expected thedir parents to flip the bill for their weddings I can't imagine anyone would defend her behavior"  So you're saying you think *I* had my parents flip my bill for my wedding?  Ummm well my mom paid for my wedding gown which was $300.  & 24 yrs. ago that was a lot of money yes but not like the $7000. gowns that the other girls all had to have.  My in-laws being the sweets they are & of course excited gave us the $2000. for our reception hall/caterer & the rest my husband & I paid for!  The flowers, honeymoon in Bermuda, tuxes, etc. etc.  It wasn't a big deal really & no 1 person picked up the tab.   

With that said you're also WRONG about Rachael!  The clip they showed prior to the segment with Rachael & just before she was introduced was of the people on the show "Bidezillas" from the WE entertainment network!  The woman who said "Yoouuur on my TRAAAINNNN" was one of the women from there & then they flashed through several clips of other Bridezillas whining & having hissy fits.  And NO I don't defend their behavior & feel they're silly brats that are out of touch with reality, BUT I also feel that this is the day for the BRIDE & the GROOM and they should be allowed to make the decisions.   

With all of the people that put money into my wedding not once did my mother or my mother-in-law say "I want this that or some other thing"  As a matter of fact my mother had also paid for the limos, which was a real luxury in my day as everyone drove in cars driven by friends, and she wanted me to be in a limo so said "Please get 2 limo cars & I'll pay for it" & she wanted so badly for me to be in a "white limo" because that's what the bride in her opinion was suppose to ride in.  Well I did get the limos but the company I was using I didn't realize until later didn't have a white limo to use.  I felt so bad & my mother NEVER even so much as blinked in disapproval.  And she'd never had made fun of me on national television the way that mother did nor would my mother-in-law.  The real Bridezilla's do not have a problem with just their mother or mother-in-law they have problems (notice the plaural there in problemS? )with everyone!   

It's easy for this mother to classify her daughter now as a "Bridezilla" & make her daughter look like the spoiled little brat etc. etc. when in reality it's the MOTHER insisting on her own way for a wedding that isn't hers!  Did you see the poor futur husband afraid to even speak?  He was defending his wife & trying to explain her side & the future husbands of Bridezilla do not do that because they are in just as frustrated with those women as everyone else.  Sometimes it's not the bride or groom that is the problem but the meddlesome FAMILIES as other women here have stated!