Messages By: xavierann

Hi Dr. Phil, 

My Grandmother used to read the Tarot Cards in post WW2 europe to make ends meet.  So I was never "trained" to be afraid of the cards like so many in Christian America are today.  In fact I grew up a born again Christian in a Baptist church and got a "Ouija" board from Santa once year, and told my sunday school class about it.  They were horrified and told me I was surely going to be demon possessed!.  I was intrigued, so I marched home and put it in the fire place expecting to see demons come out shrieking, with alot of fire works.  Nothing happened, so my afternoon "show" was a disappointment.  As I have attended fundamentalist churches over the Years I have discovered that religious people of every denomination use FEAR to keep the faithfull in line:  obedient to whatever they say.  I recently ran across a couple of books about SPIRITUAL ABUSE as it takes place in main-stream American churches, and I could not believe that I myself have been mildly "kept under the thumb" of abusive people in church.  Fortunately, I never really believed what they told me, because I know better.  I know that God is more powerful than evil and as long as I have a connection with God, he will protect me from whatever bad things come my way.  That is the message of Jesus, the real Jesus, in the Bible, although some churches don't  reflect this - they send a double message that Jesus is there to love you, but look out, if you don't obey me, the one he gave authority to, you will be conquered by the demonic strongholds.  This frightens people very, very much, and I felt very much like several of your people are under this influence, whether they are "church" going or not.  I believe that SPIRITUAL ABUSE takes place when one person convinces another that they have spiritual powers that the other person does not, this is the way spiritual abusers command others into compliance. 

I recently decided not to be afraid of Tarot Cards, so I bought a deck.  My Born Again friends were horrified.  "I am working with the devil's tool!" That is what they say to me and they are so afraid that some turn white when they find out.  But I decided not to let their fears rule me.  So I got as many books on the topic from the library and web as I could and I found out that all these supposedly "occult" systems are really just "cheat-sheet"/memorization systems.  One system works just the same as all the rest.  IN Tarot, you memorize meanings to each card.  Each card may have more than one meaning, so if you are smart you will be able to memorize alot about the cards.  The symbols on the cards remind you of what their meanings are, so the cards work as a conversation-starter/cheat sheet.  When you select cards, you also take notice of things about the person - their age, gender, wealth, personality type, and guess at their problems.  Because the cards work in regard to past, present and future, there is NO WAY ON EARTH you can mess up - your reading will be valid for each person who visits you.  The symbols help you bring up topics that may be important to the person to discuss, and then they can share what is bugging them.  Then it is up to you the psychic, to give them good advice and help them as a friend helps another friend.  Some psychics are nto responsible and instead of offering genuine help, they manipulate, or SPIRITUALLY ABUSE those who come to see them, making their clients believe they are under a curse, or must do such and such in order to appease departed loved ones, and other unusual things.  Some psychics (just as some people) use emotional blackmail and manipulative tactics, as well as subtle verbal abuse in order to controll people into paying them more money, more often.  Whether one uses tarot cards, other fortune telling cards, the "I-Ching", Rune Stones, or crystals with attached meanings or other objects to predict the future or see into another person's life, the technique is always the same.  You memorize the meanings, and then select the cards, then you tell the meanings as it appears to apply to your subject and allow them to empty their heart, then you help them (or harm them, as the case may be).  Once a person gets so good with the Tarot that they have it memorized, they can use a crystal ball, and relax with a client in front of them, and the ideas from the Tarot Deck will just come up and you will sort of do a Tarot Reading with your mental deck, instead of the one on the table, but that works the same way.  This is what psychics call "clairvoyant", or "clairaudient" but they do not want anyone to know how they do it.  They are not really receiving messages from spirits.  They are tuning in to what the client presents to them in the way of gender, age, wealth, and other  miniscule but obvious things, that they psychic then is reminded of in her mental card deck and that brings her to discuss those images with the client.  It is that simple.  Some people are better than others at this skill, just like some people play piano better than others, or baseball, or cooking. 

I realized that I wanted to help people and the cards offered a way that I could gain an ice-breaker for people to feel comfortable talking, and I have read Tarot for many people.  Everyone always gets back to me, and tells me how much I have helped them.  I usually offer them advice based on basic moral values and tell them to stay away from troublesome situations.  I always recommend a physician, or licensed psychologist, or abuse councilor, dietician, or other professional people if the person appears to have a genuinely big problem.  I stay in the realm of helping people in the same way I would talk to a friend.  If I sense that their problem is the kind that is beyond me, I never hesitate to send them to a medical professional in my area.  I find that many people who visit psychics are afraid to visit the doctor or psychologist, and in this case my "job" towards them is to help them feel ok about going. 

There are some things that come up with the cards that truely lie beyond explanation, and some times my predictions are so accurate they actually make me feel creepy, or take my breath away.  I can not explain this, even though I know about psychological studies, such as the "Forer Effect" and so forth.  But I figure that it is prob. some sort of psychology that I do not understand, and not a spiritual force at all.  However, I can not tell how sensative to psychic things I am, or anyone else is, and do not discount that there are spiritual forces at work and that some people can truely tap into them.  

HOW DOES THIS TOPIC OF TAROT COME INTO PLAY WITH CURSES ON YOUR SHOW TODAY: 

I eventually got very good with the Tarot Deck and took a part time job in my city where I read the cards to clients.  I was (and am) very successfull with my readings.  I also do readings on the phone for one fo the 800# phone lines and just love to talk to and help people who are alone in the middle of the night.  I often pray with them and tell them positive energy and light are with them to help them feel better, as you said on your show.   

When I got hired at one place, the owner took me aside and she asked me about "curses".  "What do you do about curses?" she asked.  "I had not thought about doing anything with curses..." I said to her.  She said, "Well, one of our readers was very nice here at the center, but when she got clients to call her at home, she CONVINCED THEM THAT THEY WERE UNDER HORRIBLE CURSES, AND THAT THEY NEEDED HER TO PERFORM RITUALS TO REMOVE THEM.  She was not cheap about it either.  One woman spent over $150,000.00 on curse removal with this psychic and was out money and no one could get it back for her!  I fired that reader, so I don't want you to do any thing like this, it is not allowed here."  Of course that had never even occurred to me, because I DID NOT KNOW THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVED IN CURSES IN THIS DAY AND AGE TO THIS DEGREE OF SERIOUSNESS!!!!!  (I certainly don't, and I work as a psychic!) 

Dr. Phil, as I began to keep my ears open in many places that I do readings, I noticed that the American population at large really is big on belief in curses.  With tv shows on like Charmed, Sabrina, Buffy, Angel, Supernatural, and the new movie "Bewitched" and so many video games with demons, curses and so forth, it is easy for people to move from fantasy about curses and strange beliefs to actually believing in them.  I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT BY AND LARGE, THE ONLY THING A CURSE DOES IS WORK AS A TOOL IN THE HANDS OF A MANIPULATIVE PERSON TO KEEP ANOTHER PERSON UNDER CONTROLL.  A SPIRITUALLY ABUSIVE person will realize that they can gain power over another by scaring them to death with the idea that curses are real, and then they can controll and manipulate others with the IDEA that a curse is real!  Of course this does not happen only in the psychic world, because as I pointed out to you, I was told I was demon posessed in church for things like not being organized enough or not paying my tithe regularly.  I know I am not demon posessed, and have responded to them in many ways.  One response I have is, "I don't have to live in your fears - if you are that afraid of me, you couldn't have a very powerful God, because my God protects me from such things, but yours obviously does not!"  These accuser's look shocked.  Other times, I just go along with them to take the wind out of their sail and say, "Yup, I'm demon posessed, so watch out!"  They can't believe they are not able to keep me in check to their system of obedience. 

Even so, I have suffered some of the things that were discussed on the show, like being afraid at night and so forth, but I fully think these feelings are just psychological, hormonal, pms, brain chemistry and etc.  I surround myself with positive symbols, like my Bible, my Cross and I "put my house under the protection of Jesus" every night as well.  I feel safe. 

I feel very, very bad for the people on your show today, because I think they have all been victims of spiritual abuse.  The Young lady whose father did an exorcism upon her at age 9 is so sweet and she suffers so much because her father trained her to believe a FALSE BELIEF SYSTEM when she was in her spiritually formative years.  Until she destroys this FALSE BELIEF SYSTEM and replaces it with a good and true one, she will continue to scare herself, guilt trip herself and worry.  To this young lady I want to tell her this:  Jesus is the CURSE REMOVER.  And he does not charge ANY money to remove curses.  He is available ANY time Day or Night, on a repeat basis.  Since prayer may be a negative trigger for you because of your church experinece, I would like to recommend that you sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes and just imagine that Jesus is pouring his healing light over your body and that this light penetrates your hurting soul and spirit.  I want to tell you that even if you believe you have demons inside you and can not fight them, Jesus Christ can fight them and if you allow his light to come into you by imagining it pouring into your spirit, soul and over your body, you will also be able to imagine that the negative, black fear and darkness is being pushed out of you, and that it dies when it leaves you.  I think, dear young lady, that you were raised in the Pentacostal Church which teaches obedience based on fear.  YOu ahve been brain washed by this terrible organization that only pretends to bring the truth of God to you.  God does not punnish, he is love, healing, peace and life.  When God's light is poured into you, nothing else can compete with it.  You must believe this and erase your dad's false information as well, by imagining that when Jesus' peacefull light comes into you, your dad's false Pentacostal teachings leave your spirit, mind, body and all things that surround you where ever you are.   

I am very angry that anyone can spiritually abuse another person, whether they are from fundamentalist christianity, judaism, islam, new age spirituality or any other faith.  Usually psychics do not share how to do the readings, and one who is interested must work hard to read and discover how it is done, and then make a personal committment NOT to abuse those who seek their help.  I think it is wrong for anyone to teach another, weaker or younger person that they are cursed and can not get away from the curse. 

To the young man who believes he is cursed because he has bad days and his tires blow out all the time, I offer this advice:  When ever a "curse" event takes place, speak to it loudly and say:  Curse, you are not as strong as I am, and you are not as strong as God is.  So I am going to meet you and challenge you, and I will win!!!!!  If the tire is cursed, I will take it off and make a better tire!  If the job ends, I won't count it as a curse, I will look for the blessing of a better job.  I want this young man to stop FOCUSING on curses and look for BLESSINGS INSTEAD.  Young man, you need to say to yourself, "why did the tire blow?  perhaps because I was about to get in a terrible accident and my guardian angel prevented it!"  See?  the curse is not a curse any longer, it is now an act of love from God who was protecting you, and from what?   You won't ever know, because that bad event was prevented before you could know what it was!  But you must be PROACTIVE in taking charge of your supposed cursed state, and tell that cursed state to "be gone" in the name of God, Jesus and so forth.  I can not comment on the other guests because I tuned in late. 

I JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE IN AMERICA SHOULD KNOW THAT CURSES ARE BIG, BIG BUSINESS IN THE NEW AGE MOVEMENT, AND IF YOU BUY INTO A BELIEF THAT YOU ARE CURSED, SOMEONE OUT THERE, SOMEWHERE IS WAITING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU FINANCIALLY, OR POWER OVER YOU, AND GET YOU TO OBEY THEIR ORDERS.  THE CURSE IS NOT REAL, BUT YOUR BELIEF IN IT BECOMES A TOOL ANOTHER PERSON CAN USE AGAINST YOU FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL GAIN.  SO BEWARE OF BELIEF IN CURSES.  WITH JESUS AND GOD IN THE WORLD, CURSES ARE WIPED OUT.  No more need to fear them. 

Are evil in the world?  Sure.  We have brain chemistry that makes us feel like evil lurks, and this is called anxiety, depression, and other psychological problems that can be diagnosed.  The only genuine form of evil is YOU CHOOSING TO DO SOMETHING BAD, IMMORAL, EVIL.  And you may give in to whatever force is coaxing you to follow it, whether you believe it is Lucifer, demons, your own desires or following the crowd.  Label it what you like but you, YOU  have the power to overcome curses.  Until American People realize this, they will continue to pay New Age workers to "remove" curses at an exhorbitant amount of money.   

I warn people to look out for psychics as well.  Not all of them are bad people, but people who just want to help others in a generic spiritual mode.  But there are plenty who will read one palm for $5.00 and then predict a horrible omen on the other hand, and they will not tell you what it says unless you cought up $75.00.   There are also psychics who claim they can "channel" for alot more money than it is worth, for example above $75.00, and decent, trusting people with problems pay them.  These people do not know more than Dr. Phil, or another psychologist, and perhaps much less.  They do not deserve professional wages because they are not trained medically.   

I don't think it is wrong to consult with a psychic if the fee is reasonable (less than $30.00, i.e. the price of dinner out, as it would be gone anyway), and the reason is friendship, basic human advice of common problems, being afraid in the night time and needing another human being to "be there", or for entertainment purposes, such as having one for a party.  There are reasons to mystify your friends or feel mysterious or spiritual, but being taken advantage of or trained that you are UNDER A CURSE is not one of them, whether the person training you in this belief system is a christian minister, jewish rabbi, or new age healer/psychic.   

I am telling all of you this to inform you.  Everyone needs to go check out some books on psychic methods, Tarot cards, and so forth and read up on how it is done.  You will find one common thread in all the books you read:  MEMORIZE THE MEANINGS OF THE CARDS (or other tool).  And that, my friends is a SKILL anyone can learn, not a spiritual gift.  The spiritual gift of being a friend, a genuine friend and caring for others is the real gift.  The girl whose father trained her to believe she was in need of exorcise was not her friend, he terrorized her, but did not love her.  And more than likely HE HIMSELF WAS TRAINED TO FEAR SUCH THINGS.  What baffles me is that the Pentacostal church is supposed to teach about JESUS, and Jesus is supposed to be more powerful than all other forces...so if Jesus is real, and he lived at the homeof this father, one would imagine that demons could not get in to that home to begin with....so see?  This dad's theology is flawed.  He had the maximum number of demons living in the place where Jesus was supposed to be the most often....this does not make any sense at all - that were Jesus is the demons gather and injur those that love Jesus (unless Jesus is powerless, or a demon himself, which he is most certainly not). 

I just thought Americans should know this, and that they are being scammed by the IDEA OF CURSES, which are not real, but are tools used to frighten people into compliance.  Teaching people that there are curses is a form of very bad, spiritually abusive BRAIN WASHING, and any christian or other religious person who does this to another should be ASHAIMED OF THEMSELVES! 

I fully agree with you, Jesus and the Bible are real and I'm a full believer.  I think you misunderstand me.  I am saying that there are pleanty of deceiving people out there who desire to use the "idea" of a curse in order to manipulate and frighten people, and gain psychological controll over others, which may "feel" alot like real demon posession, but is really anxiety, depression, and so forth.  I don't deny that there are real demonic forces out there, but I think it is largely over-sensationalized, and just wanted to share "how" psychics do things, and "how" some of the bad ones use the "idea" of a curse to manipulate and spiritually abuse.  Not only psychics, but some Christians out there as well, like the young lady's father, who, no doubt was brain-washed into believing that everything he saw was "demon posessed" - he used exorcisms to gain mental controll over other people, including his children and messed them up. In this way he claimed "special spiritual knowledge" much like psychics claim to have, believing and teaching that he could "sense" presences that no one else could see or feel.  In this way he took false authority over thers inorder to controll them, keep them in a false spiritual system, and spiritually abuse them and teach them to abuse others as well.  How many pentacostals out there are shouting "demon possesed" from every corner?  I'm never going to find out, as I won't go to a pentacostal church - ever.   The catholic church got caught in this loop back in the 1500's and has since refrained from declaring anyone demon-possessed and "up for an exorcism" without extensive psychological evaluation.  While they have finally got their smarts on, the rest of Chrstianity is finally catching up where they left off and we have fanatics running around declaring everyone out there "demon posessed".  It's happened to me a million times at church, specifically when a fellow christian wanted to claim authority over me to get me to pay in more, work harder, give up a coveted position to them, or become "more obedient" - sorry, i'm not falling for this "i'm more spiritual than you are" gag.  I've even been told by supposed christians that "I have the spiritual gift of discerning spirits...." - ya right,  What discernment means is the ability to make a decision, and you do that by learning what the Bible teaches and then making a rational decision - that's discernment.  And what spirits do you discern between? Between the Holy Spirit, whose teachings you should know if you read your bible (nothing miraculous there), and spirits that tempt you to do immoral things the Bible teaches against - you don't need any special spiritual equipment to use common sense or to read!  Alot of Christian people need to get over their pride when pretending to display these artificial spiritual gifts in order to gain one-upmanship over others.  Psychic readings?  A SKILL you can LEARN like math or piano.   So are the spiritual "words of knowledge" you hear about on TBN and in radical churches - the whisperings of the spirit and so fortth! YOur feelings, and what mode of spirituality you actually tap into?  Your own God-given talent at your natural inner intuition, but science can not prove anything beyond that.  You believe in God, but other faiths have the same experiences, both good and bad...It is your faith in God and helping others that is the genuine gift to other people in need.  So I'm just saying "watch out for Spiritually Abusive frauds no matter what religious institution you step into, Pentacostal, Southern Baptist, Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish, New Age, or etc."  I think many American people do not know the "facts" about how a psychic reading is done, and do not know the "facts" on spiritual abuse, or that it can happen to them in their own "neighborhood" (congregation).  Wolves wearing sheeps clothing are among us in all groups, not just "the other group."  I hope you receive this well and in the spirit of Christ's love, as I do  not discount your experiences, I am just saying some people out there deliberately deceive and frighten in order to spiritually abuse and controll the innocent.  That's all.   

Hi Dr. Phil.  this is for your guest who swears.... 

My husband sometimes swears (very occasionally), and when I was younger I was highly offended as well, because I did not grow up in a "swearing" home.  Over the 20 years I began to realize that a swear word is just a few letters stuck together to form a sound.  "Why" is that word bad? I wondered.  I don't think I could find it in the dictionary, and I wanted to know its origin and literal meanings.  Eventually I did discover what some swear words mean, and why they are "wrong".   

I learned in Brittish Literature that in ancient times when the French began living in England, they did not relish the English language very much because it was considered "vulgar".  Because English comes from German, many people still consider the sound of German as "vulgar" or hard.  It is not a smooth or beautiful language to hear, like french, spanish or italian.  It has a choppy, war-like sound, and I am sure the elegant French thought the same thing.  The French elite soon banned alot of English words from their language, even though they learned to speak English.  One of my professors explained to us that this is why in English language only, we raise cows but we eat "beef" - the french thought it vulgar to eat "cow".  We raise pigs but we eat "pork" - again very vulgar to eat a pig.  Even now, in German when you order a pound of "hamburger" you have to ask for "hackfleish" - the literal translation of "hackfleish" is HACKED FLESH - pretty vulgar.  "What are we having for dinner mom?"  "Nothing fancy, honey, we're roasting some wads of hacked flesh out on the back bon-fire..."  Same is true for the word FART.  It's an Old English word that isnt "as" offensive as some words and one of the true remainders of our Old language heritage.  Basically the French decided that English was not that spiffy of a language, and I'm rather offended by that, I like my vulgar, war-like language, it's my heritage and no one has the right to take any part of it away - not even the explitives (though I do not use them).  I personally do not consider them "explitives" any more, but instead a dying part of my own language that another group decided was not elegant enough for them.  On to the word F**K, and SH*T. 

F**K:  According to Webster's on-line dictionary, it originates with danish and sweedish languages (the Viking languages, of course), and it merely means "to copulate".  I suppose the Vikings went around hoping that their cattle would "fokken" in order to bring them greater wealth and some food for the winter.  Likewise the Sweadish version of the word is "fokka", and they also hoped to have larger heards of cattle as a blessing of wealth.  Of course we don't wish that blessing upon people today, we hope they are "fertile and multiply"...but I fail to see the difference between this phrase and the intent of the Anglo Saxon intent - to copulate in order to gain greater numbers.  In Hebrew, the word is FRUITFUL, and you can find it's translation in Strong's Exhaustive Concordance, word # 6509, which translates from the Hebrew PARAH, meaning:  to bear, brin gforth, fruitful, grown or increase, and also refers to cow, heifer or kine.  Again it is the wish that the animal herds would multiply, and may also be applied to people in hebrew, as God uses it in Genesis.  I personally do not think that F**K is a bad or dirty word, it just means to gain an increase through copulation.  We all do that.  It's not bad.  Its just a word that has been "given" a bad meaning by some stuck up french people in another era.  Those people are dead now.  They don't make language rules.  And they don't govern me, so why should I do as they say?  Only because everyone out there "thinks" its bad, even though the evidence proves them wrong. 

THE WORD SH*T:  this is a word originating in MIDDLE ENGLISH.  It's old spelling is SCITE.  it means TO DIVIDE, and refers to excrement.  Unfortunately for all of us, if you are not dead, you will participate in creating excrement.  It's stinky, but everything gives off waste.  Even yeast gives off waste products in grape juice and that is what makes the grape juice (or other alcoholic beverages) alcoholic...so basically people will DRINK SH*T, but they will not say it...peculiar.   

Dr. Phil, I just think that people get so roped in to what they are told to do that they forget to think and explore.  I have another example that I am currently questioning.  It is the color terms used for different races, specirfically "black" and "white".  I was sitting thinking, one day, and realized that most "black" people are not actually "black".  I went and got a black object out and low and behold, it is a DIFFERENT COLOR from what is traditionally termed "black" complexion.  I further explored.  I am officially supposed to be "white".  I got a white piece of paper out and, guess what, I'M NOT WHITE!!!!.  What color are most people?  WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT SHADES OF BROWN.  So once again we have been TOLD by people who are now dead that a certain idea is actually true, when it actually is false even by evidence of the naked eye.  I challenge these false ideas.  The words F**k and SH*T are not "bad", they are from languages that were formerly condemned by some high fallutin' group who thought their language was better.  I disagree with "color coding" people especially with colors they obviously are not.  I think people need to ask, "is this really true?" and then explore a bit.   

As far as using these words in front of Children, (F and S), since thgese words are socially unacceptable for false reasons, we need not teach them to our children, so they will not be shunned by their piers and elders.  Not using such words is really a form of self controll, and usually the higher class persons have been able to display a greater degree of self-controll in the past, which is "why" a class system developed.  It all goes back to breaking society up into groups of people who judge others because some people "do" things that others do not.  I think we should keep the judgment on others to the truely bad behaviors like theft, murder, physical violence, lying, and so forth, and ignore bad language, it is only vulgar because it belongs to a language group formerly regarded as lesser.   

SOLUTION TO THIS MAN'S "PROBLEM":  Because his wife and children are being judged by the uneducated others when he uses this language, he needs to cease from using such language when they are with him, whether it is in private or public.  They are greatly embarrassed because of the judgment of community upon them because general society does not know the origins of such words.   He needs to select times when these words are appropriate and when they are not.  Using this kind of language with your trucking buddies and your motor cycle friends when out having a beer is fine.  When with your wife and kids at Chucky Cheese?  Nope, don't use it.  I suppose when you are copulating or creating excrement in private, it is "ok" to use such words...if the mood strikes.  I also think one should us the word in relation to what it means.  This man is using the word incorrectly.  The "F" word is a verb and referrs to the copulation of cattle, usually.  So next time he is trying to get a herd of cattle to copulate, he may use this word liberally, just as the word "bitch" referrs to female dogs in official paperwork - one should not refer to a human being with this word, not because it is insulting (though it is), but because it is not correct use.  I would like to remind this man that his family is his church.  Although you take your family "to" church, when you are at home, your family is your smallest community of faith, and you, the father, are their priest, in whatever you teach them.  Therefore use words with high ideals, and positive meanings so that your family can aspire to good things.   

Other words inappropriate - Damn - Damn is not a "bad" word either, it is a sentence to eternal separation from all that is good.  One should never wish that on another person, the wish may come back to you.  Only God can damn anything, and God usually will not do so.  He allows us to choose whether we want to dwell with him or not - we choose our own damnation, and God allows this.  Thererfore do not elevate yourself to God's level and begin pronouncing damnation on others, for even God will not do this. 

WATCH A POPULAR BRITTISH TV SHOW TO LEARN NEW EXPLITIVES:  I also suggest that this man rent the John Cleese t.v. sitcom called "FAULTY TOWERS" - it is about a man and wife who run a hotel and all the "wacky" things that go on in it.  When the woman mentions his wife's mother, he comes up with some very ridiculous explitives that are so humerous, that you just roll out of your chair, and guess what, they are not considered vulgar at all, insulting, yes, but so funny that no one could be offended.  Something about Hippopotomii, and other rediculous things.  Instead of ceasing to curse at all times, this man should try to put boundaries on "when" he curses, never around women and children - that's a good rule, and also never around ministers, educated persons, or employers.  Otherwise, curse away! 

GROCERY STORE SEPARATORS:  I think the real problem behind the woman who is frustrated with the grocery store separators is not the separator, but the need to controll others.  This woman does not realize that most people are not uptight about whether a separator is used at the check-out and would never even think it offends somone else if it is not used.  They can not read her mind, but she expects them to do so.  Then if they can not, she punnishes them for their "bad behavior" when they don't realize she is miffed at them.  She is the rude one, not them.  Here is the solution:  This lady needs to always put the separator behind her own order, and she needs to announce to all in line behind her that she will be extreemly unhappy if someone else's stuff ends up on her tab.  She needs to announce to the grocery store clerk that if anything from another person's order is on her bill, she will get the management, and expect a discount for bad service.  Now she sounds like a nut, but everyone will be in the clear about what she expects when she goes shopping.  If she feels that paranoid, she can ask the checker to shut down the check-stand while she checks out, and ask other shoppers to go to another stand.  I have done this for other reasons berfore.  I have told the checker to shut their light off, and I have told other shoppers politely, "I will be a long while, you should really go to another stand or you could be here for a while."  Usually people look at me, roll their eyes, or say, "thanks for the tip", and then go to another check-out.  I only do this when I have a long-winded price check and don't want people in line to be delayed or get mad at me.  But I would be very upset if someone secretly added something to my order that I did not know about in order to punnish me for something I did not know offended them.  I would much rather be told by her to back off and divide my order than be unknowingly punnished.  How does she know if I can afford that extra pack of $7.00 batteries?  I can tell you now that I can't, I'm usually on a budget, and when I get home, and my husband looks at the receipt he will expect me to take them back if our budget is tight and that could lead to an argument at home and a huge inconvenience for me.  Where is her guts?  She should have the guts to say that she wants to controll my shopping habits, tell me to get lost, straighten out, etc, but not impair my shopping when I don't even know I have offended her.  ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE HERSELF HAS POWER TO TAKE THAT LITTLE PLASTIC THING AND PUT IT BEHIND HER ORDER - SHE  CAN EVEN PUT 2 OF THEM, SEVERAL INCHES APART FOR GOODNESS SAKE, BUT STOP TRYING TO SECRETLY CONTROLL OTHER PEOPLE.  I hope that someone does this to you several times and you end up haveing to return to the store for all the times you have caused someone to purchase something they did not know they were purchasing.  Shame on you for expecting others to read your mind, and then being passive agressive about punnishing them.  I personally think that your problem is bigger than the check-out.  I think you want to controll people on a large level and you think that being sly and sneaky is the only way you can gain controll over others.  You need to examine your underlying issue of controlling others and learn how to controll yourself first, and how to approach people in an upfront way about what you want and expect.  I think you are a jerk, and I bet your jerkiness does not stop at the check stand, I bet a million bucks that you do other little secret things to "teach people a lesson" and they do not even know they did any thing wrong to beging with.  Why don't you try asking someone to use the little black thing (or change other behaviors)?  I have had people hand me those little dividers and politely say to me, "I don't want our things to get mixed up..." or "I just wanted you to be able to reach it so you could start putting your stuff out..." and so forth.  A bit of kindness would go far, lady, so instead of sneaking in behind you and punnishing you for something you don't know your doing wrong that bugs me, I am asking you nicely as I can, "please tell me when I am about to do something that bugs you and I will glady try to accommodate you, If I am able."   

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TO THE WOMAN WHO DRESSES IN CLOTHES HER KIDS HATE:  Honey if you can FIT in such clothing, wear them AND GO HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN THEM!  We all need to feel as young and look as good as we can.  If your kids are embarrassed, let them pick you out an outfit to wear to school, pta meetings and plays, and wear "their" outfit when you are out with them, otherwise, be who you are. 

And I have this to say to your mom, dad and to you:  First, your behavior is "typical".  My Son went to Taylor and Cinco Ranch High and alot of kids in our area are "into" what you are doing - there is so much money floating around in this area it is not funny.  This is no excuse for you to do such things to your parents or your body, or OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.  When DR PHIL said that you could kill someone when you drive, he is right and those people could easily be ME OR MY KIDS as I live in FT BEND COUNTY, and have prob. passed you on the main streets.  YOu need to knock off your bad behavior right now.  The rules for you are NO FRIENDS PERIOD. and  NO MORE DRUGS.  If your parents are smart, they will leave you in jail permenantly, or send you off to a monistery in a foreign country where you can not speak the language, or get out.  

This part is for Brandon's Mom - You are such a beautiful lady, and very well off.  You live in a typical Katy home.  I can tell you are prob. a member of one of the big and wealthy churches.  You display "typical" behavior of parents in this area - you are way, way, way to soft spoken with Brandon.  You do not know that other parents in other parts of the country may parent differently than what you are used to or have seen.  I'm from another state - yes there are drug problems in other places too.  I know another young man like Brandon.  His parents just "let him go" - he spent 2 years in Medium Security prison, and his felony caused him to never be able to get a job due to that.  Now he is approaching 40, and finally decided, of HIS OWN ACCORD to stop the drugs and get his life straight.  Why?  Because he was basically banished from the family.  They said, "honey, if you don't care, neighter do we. Figure it out yourself, we are done with your problem."  He spent the next several years figuring his way through evictions, and several low-wage jobs - enough to keep him so busy that drugs was not a part of his financial life or his time-management plan.  I really think it is time for you parents to give that ultimatum to Brandon.  YOu need to tell him he can not live at home any more and that there is NO MORE MONEY coming from you in any way shape and form, not even for Christmas or Birthday, only cheap, worthless stuff that can not be pawned off.  Brandon needs to leave the wealthy comfortable life style and see if he can put food in his own mouth and clothing on his own back.  By providing even a basic life style for him you are inadvertantly helping him kill himself.  You do this because you love him.  But you don't realize that even minimal care on your part is killing him.    

I have a son who is 22 now.  His dad has the "tough love" approach.  My son never did anything like brandon, but last summer, when my husband and my son butted heads over housework, his dad told him - "Time for you to fund your own life!" and moved him out.  My son had to stay with a friend for a few nights and get someone else's parent to co-sign an apartment for him.  It was 3 months before he had the gas money to aquire all the stuff out of his room, we did not "do" anything with it, it was there for him when HE could afford to come and get it.  I cried alot, as you are doing on Today's show, thinking, "what on earth will happen to my son?"  I could only console myself by believing that since this is TEXAS it does not get freezing cold here so even under a bridge, my son would prob. not die.  He did'nt.  He amazed us all.  He went out to pound the pavement (when formerly he had a comfortab le room where he played video/computer games all the time and did minimal college homework), and he got himself a very good job at a mortgage company.  He realized that grown-up life is what you make it and if you are hungry a few days, it is because you are not at a job making money.  When I got back from my out of town trip, I did help him box up his stuff but he saved up the gas money to come get his stuff.  I was so worried I thought I should call Dr. Phil as well, but then I thought "No, I have raised him to know that work is good, saving is important and that if you damage yourself you will have to pay the bills.  He did damage his knee with a sport me and his dad disapproved of because we had to pay so much out in surgery for sport injuries already.  He kept on, and had a huge medical bill when he himself had to pay the hospital bill for the surgery (knee).  I know, you probl think we are horrible parents.  But my son is so busy scowering the world to survive he has no time or strength to think of mischief.  He recently got married, is going back to college and maintains a very nice apartment near us.    

Your solution?  Let Brandon figure out this problem.  If he WANTS to rot away in jail, let him - it is his choice.  Do not pay for anything any more.  The money you are planning to spend on drug rehab?  Go on a cruise.  If Brandon dies because of his drugs, well he could die from alot of accidents that you never even expected - God will take his life when God wants to and you can not controll that.  Yes I worry every day that any one of my children could get raped, abducted, die, get stolen, murdered, killed in a play accident or try a drug and end up over-dosing.  It is a terrible feeling, but you are not in controll of what Brandon does.  Not any more - he is a grown up.  YOu need to let him have responsibility of his own life.  Are you paying for college?  Why?  He does not deserve a cushy dorm room where the kids do drugs.  What came over your mind to let him go to a campus where such things even "may" go on (we all know colleges are full of drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.)  Brandon does not deserve college - and I personally think HE HIMSELF WANTS TO CONTROLL HIS LIFE INSTEAD OF LETTING MOM AND DAD DO IT.  I know it hurts you to hear that, but back off and let him figure it out.  I personally think he will because he knows what is right, since you taught him to be right when he was young.  Now you have to let him do it all, maybe he needs to get a job at the new HEB going in at Fry/Grand Parkway, and pay for his own rent, college classes and clothes.  No money left for luxuries like food, soda pop, or a movie?  tough - don't let him come home and enjoy life any more - it is time for work.  If Brandon had to truely WORK he would not have time or strength to do other destructive things.  MOM AND DAD you have made Brandon a very CUSHY life and if you continue you will aid him in his destruction.  If you want him to live, stop paying for ANYTHING.  His life depends on it.  I beg you, for your own good and his as well.    

Second of all I don't believe one word from Brandon, being sorry.  He is not sorry.  He knows you will come to the rescue, you always have.  He will be truely sorry when his life is straightened out and his bills are paid in full from his own blood, sweat and tears.  Let him figure it out.  Don't even co-sign an apartment for him.  That is a project he should be figuring out instead of the project of where the drugs are.  He is a very smart young man and since you are solving all the "life-path"problems for him he has nothing to figure his way through.  YOu need to give him real-life problems, like how to get a loaf of bread, and how to keep the job by putting in extra hours.  College is the worst thing you can send him to, as there are drugs there.  You will know he is being honest when he pays his own way, and chooses to bypass his problems himself.  I'm so sorry for you - you are parents that are just so, so sweet and good.  You are to good.  Please, be a bit meaner, don't be such good parents.  Don't provide so well, and don't care so much.  He believes that you can do anything, including RESURRECT him - did you hear what I said?  He thinks you can successfully bring him back from the Grave that is how well you have orchestrated his life, and that is a myth - he needs to find out how to fish his way out of his own mess, and until you let him this problem will NOT GO AWAY.  Sorry to tell you that.  He is ADDICTED to you taking over for all his problems.  You ahve to change that thinking in him, because you have to let him know you can not be all and do all - you are not God.  It is a myth you have accidentally perpetuated in him because you are such overly good parents.  You h ave to be meaner.  And I do not mean yelling.  I mean, when he says, give me college, pay my car or insuraance note, pay my surgery, pay my bills for the drug-rehab program, pay my health insurance, you need to say, "sorry kid, you are a grown up making grown up decisions - get your own food, health insurance, job, car, car insurance, shelter, and fun-money!  I personall think that BRANDON HIMSELF NEEDS TO PAY OFF HIS OWN DRUG-REHAB EXPENSES BY WORKING AT A LOW-WAGE JOB PUSHING CARTS OR LIFTING HEAVY OBJECTS AT THE LOCAL HOME DEPOT - HE'D BE TO WORN OUT TO THINK ABOUT WHERE TO GET DRUGS.   When it's mother's day, invite him to come by for some cake and a steak, but other than that he needs to go get a job and work overtime like you yourselves do.  ( I know the dads and alot of the moms in this area work over time in this area;  Brandon's dad works overtime at a very fine job, as we all do that out here, my husband also does)  When Brandon faces the "puzzle of how to live day to day, and pay for things" he won't have time to do anything with drugs.  I'm so sorry for you both, Brandon's Parents, I wish I could call you up, as I live in your near area.  I am also sorry for Brandon - I know that these problems are frighteningly typical, as my kids go to school out here and I hear the drug and sex stories all the time.  My son was under lock and key, and so is my daughter and my other, younger son.  They are busy and they get NO spending money, which makes me look like a total scrooge, but who cares, they have no money to get into trouble with.  My daughter is so able to save money that she saves her christmas money of 50$ for 3 years so she can go to the movies with her friends, she knows we will not be dolling out the money for stuff like that.  And she is very careful.  My goal?  That her friends do not tempt her into trying drugs - she has no money to buy them, and she is not allowed to go anywahere with anyone, now we do not frequent the big mall - you know the one...We do not go there with groups of friends and she does cry about that alot, but I don't care.  She is safe.  Driving? - she is not allowed near a car til 18 and guess what she will be driving out here in the fancy Cinco Ranch area?  A 1992 Toyota Camry, older and not the expensive new cars that all the other kids have.  No way.  Not that kind of trouble for my kids.  I am praying for you!  I feel for your whole family.  I hope you take my note with a good tone of voice.  I am telling you like it is at my house, the private stuff that I would not tell the local church crowd in the Katy area - people are so judgmental if you don't showwer your kids with money and stuff out here or "be cookie-cutter" with behavior, posessions, activites -  it is sickening.  Don't be one of the Jone's - keeping up with them has helped Brandon get into trouble.  Sorry for you, so very sorry.  (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))  

Hi girls -  

my husband is a tax accountant - he also "tries" to do the things described in your letters here - asking me for receipts and so forth, wanting to know why I spent money on things on the receipts that are not necessary and etc.  I happened to grow up in a nice home where my parents always had money for me to spend, so this twist on money was new to me 25 years ago.  Realistically, he was right 25 years ago - we were 18 years old when we got married, he worked in a restaurant, we were college students, and we really did not have any extra money to spend.  But now, we live in a gorgeous home, and he makes fine money, yet he reads books like "The Millionair Next Door", and all sorts of other Christian and secular books on money management - they are his favorite "reads".  He follows the "rules" set forth in these books out of plain old FEAR, I believe, because he thinks that if we fail financially no one will help us, not even churches in our area who screen you severely, and run out of money before their benevelence budget is supposed to be used up (God forbid they borrow money from the building fund to help someone in need out! - I asked about this once for a friend and the church would not budge).  

I look at this problem from all angles, and have a great deal of self esteem about things.  First I read all the books my husband has read and these books make financial life and financial future seem bleak and very frightening.  Apparently once you retire, and the money stops rolling in, you really could be in alot of trouble financially.  I really don't want to take a job at McDonalds, KMart or Walmart when I turn 65, to put food on the table.  I'd rather be stingy now.  My husband tells me that Soc. Security money may eventually not be available for any of us based on how the government is running the show today - that's a budget I don't want to have to depend on.  While I was a kid getting money to spend, my husband's parents told him, "son, go get that paper route, or you can't have _____(fill in the blank).  He learned the value of money from age 10, because for him work and money are synonymous.    

The first thing I try to do is appreciate things that he has done to set up my life so that when he is gone and dead, I'll be comfortable and not have to work, or try to re-marry just to eat.  The second thing I try to do is be reasonable - do I really need that?  As my husband has pointed out to me that I don't need "that", I have began to ask myself, when in stores wishing for "that", what will happen to that object I intend to buy in  2 weeks, 3 months, 1 year?  Usually, the fate of whatever I want to buy will end up in the goodwill pile anyway, because in our exclusive neighborhood, we can not even have a garage sale, it is against deed restrictions.  I have somewhat began to convert to "tightwad-ery" beacause, in truth, you really do not need that junk, that outing, and etc.    

On the other hand, my husband does also want me to account for things, and I suppose if he could get me to do it, I would have to account for each penny.  My genuine excuse is that I probibally have ADHD - I genuinely loose receipts, and can not for my life keep track of stuff.  He wants to know where the receipt is, and I have genuinely lost it between the store and the house, and that is no lie.  We have had fights about my 'problem' losing things, but I can't help it - I'm just a messy birdbrain who can't keep her head on straight.  He has had to accept me for my handicap, which I am not making up or doing deliberately.  I can't remember numbers either - he will ask - "how much was that check for???"  I have no Idea, it was prob. around 56.68, or maybe it was 85.63, I can't really remember as I lost the paper it was written down on, and I get 3's and 8's mixed up as they look similar and also 6's and 9's...(and that is also a genuine problem, I'm just not a numbers person).    

We have had our fights, and I have overspent on a couple of occasions, because I'm not a tightwad at heart.  My husband has even "grounded" me from the credit cards one or twice.  That's fine by me, as I have to e-mail him the grocery list, and he has to grocey shop which is a drudge anyway, and in the Houston Climate, I sweat and my make-up comes off...he usually purchases better, higher quality things than I would anyway.  I tell him, "honey, you have become the 'grocery boy'!"  Then I treat him like an errand boy, and he has to bring me my needs.  He does, as well as the kids stuff.  He's a good guy - he can't help being a tightwad - but he sincerely wants me and the kids to have a good life - he is just terrified he won't be able to make ends meet, so instead of working against him I allow him to live inside his fears and he soon recognizes that his lifestyle is indeed difficult.  

I never ask him if I can take the kids to the doctor - they just go.  I tell him after the fact - "hey we went to the doctor today...."  That is my personal rule - there should be no question that doctoring is permitted, so I don't ask.  I also make it a policy inside myself not to just go to the doctor for the "fun" of it" - can this illness be cured up at home?  no need to waste money. That's for sure.  

The money battle is not really about money, it is about CONTROLL.  If it was not money, it would be something else, housekeeping, how you dress, if you do or do not go to work, whether or not he can have an affair...all the shows Dr. Phil does may boil down to CONTROLL - WHO CONTROLLS WHOM.  So I let my husband "win" - he gets to controll, and I do what I need to do.  He thinks he controlls, and when he is in the right, I go along with him.  When it is small, I don't argue with him.  I realize that inside his head he has a huge psychological fear of not being able to make ends meet - and has had this since childhood.  I think it is unkind of me to prompt him to fear when I am not a psychologist, and can't cure his inner fears.  He provides me and my kids with a good life, and has tried hard to help us all learn to "tightwad".  We are good at trying to learn this difficult skill.  We do not always succeed, nor are we always in the mood for it, but in exchange for trying so hard, he has been able to provide me with a very wonderful life and I am very happy with my life:  

*I do not work outside the home *I live in an exclusive neighborhood with lovely community swimming pools, tennis courts, paddle boats, etc* I drive a beautiful $40K car that he paid off in cash the first day he purchased it * we have plenty of food on the table (I actually have a weight problem because he provides so well) * I have plenty of clothing, make-up, jewelry) * I have nice furniture, some gotten from parents, as the tightwad book instructed, which is fine with me)* I get vacations, because based on his frequent flier miles, we have alot of points to use up  

I used to ask myself when we were building our life, "why can't i buy my kids that grocery store stuff (the hair bows, the expensive kiddy shampoo, the little toys, that extra cute dress for the baby)", when I would see my friends do so....I USED to feel jealous that my girl friends had the POWER over their husbands to spend and spend and I had to account for things to my husband...but now I do not feel badly, because those friends are still in starter homes, and I live like a princess - I actually do not need anything, even if i did have a million dollars to spend on junk and goofing off.  

So what do I tell my friends?  I don't blame tightwadding on good old hubby any more, I tell them "Lunching is off, I have a weight problem (which is absolutely true) - I will be happy to accompany you to a restaurant, but I won't order....don't impair my weight problem please!"  I have actually done this to a couple of friends, and they are in disbelieve that someone would walk into a restaurant and not order, but truthfully, If I had $50 bucks to spend on lunch, my weight would not allow it anyway and Dr. Phil's approval in the weight-management department would fall in my favor.  When I am out shopping with friends, they want to buy that expensive dress, shoes, make-up, and I truthfully can't see it happening for me, not because of my husband - I have done my research - taking a brand new dress to the consignment or thrift store knocks it's value down to about $5.00 - even if it is from Montaldo's and is a designer dress.  I have personally found both real and faux fur coats, silk gowns, and designer dresses in the Salvation Army stores for $5.00 or less, and I can not see any reason to pay Vera Wang for her "creation" at full price when I will prob. come across it at the thrift store anyway, and be able to buy other nick-nack stuff along with it.  Who is Vera Wang anyway that she deserves that much of my hard earned money?  I've not met her personally, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm more important than she is in my life anyway...But because someone out there said this sentence, "Vera Wang, or Versacci, or Gucci, or Calvin Klein is important..." everyone else believes it.  I am here to tell you that I am important.  YOu should buy MY line of clothing, MY philosophy on life and so forth.  I'm every bit as good as they are.  Make-up?  Opra has done shows where the make-ups have been compared and all make-up is made in the same factory in New Jersey....you pay for a LABEL, ladies, not the make-up.  Generic comes from the same place as Mary Kay, Mabelline, and so forth.  You can even ORDER your own line of make-up and have the factory design you a specially shaped bottle, label and select fragrance, and so forth if you want to - it is all the same thing!  Me - I buy sale merchandice, generic, and look just as good as those wearing the expensive stuff.  I recently came across Mary Kay makeup in the thrift store, some poor soul had invested her husband's life savings in that business and could not sell it - so I got foundation for $1.00/bottle, plus blushers, eye shadows and lipstick for 50 Cents....I have 10 years worth of Mary Kay now, but i'm not dedicated to that brand.  I like variety.  I also went down to the wholesale shopping district in my city and bought myself a tiarra (yes a crown that beauty queens wear) and got it for $10.00, but they are usually sold for $50.00 and up in full price stores.  I wear my tiarra - I tell the kids I am QUEEN - Queen of housekeeping, Queen of cooking, Queen of driving, Queen of shopping.  Why should only "some" people be given a crown to be important with?????  I'm the most beautiful person I know on earth (I better think that as I have to see myself every day), so why not reward myself for all my inner and outer beauty, hard work, and smarts!  I am the only person I have, all the time, every day, eternally, and I better like myself - stuff does not make me valuable, I make stuff valuable.  

In short, my husband controlls the budget, I comply with it as I am able, and don't feel that regretful when I can't (even if it upsets him).  If he does not realize that I genuinely try to cooperate with him most of the time, that is not my problem, it is his problem.  I don't regret skipping the buying of "junk" as my friends did, because I now drive a better car and live in a better home with ample furniture, food, clothes, jewelry and make-up as they do, and have more spectacular vacations as well.  I realize that his goal is to leave me with a paid-for life when he dies, which I am genuinely thankfull for.  If I have a really genuine and expensive need, I tell him to budget me in for this need.  He usually does need to know "why" I have this need, and I sincerely do my best to show him.  I feel that the reason so many women feel their husbands are controlling them financially is because tv commercials, friendships, parent opinions and so forth put in their minds that they are being abused if they can not buy the $7.00 Revlon lipstick, when really the packaging gets thrown out anyway - don't feel abused, your husband just wants to make sure that you have a good retirement. While I did have to account for things, the money he saved went into big ticket items that I wanted - a rental home business, namely.  He bought me 2 brand new starter homes to rent out, so that in 30 years the rent would be our income (mine after he passes on...) - not a bad plan.   

One time me and my husband did have a difficult time in our marriage over money, and I really thought we would get a divorce (one can never be sure...) so I get a job and kept the pay checks to myself.  His only threat was "I'll divorce you if you keep the pay check!"  My counter was, "Well, I guess I will need the money then, if you are going to leave me, so I better hang on to it!"  His threat was my permission slip to keep my pay!  but the relationship healed and I quit the job as I did not like working that much anyway...  

What I am hearing is that the women who write in are MENTALLY CONTROLLED.  So what if he says "write that down, I need every nickel"....Try to do it, but don't do it if you can't - you have the pencil and the nickel!  It is up to you if you write it down.  Yes he will SCREAM, so just let him........he will scream and scream and then he will wear out from screaming like a little child.  They scream when their mommies have spoiled them rotten and they don't get their way because "mom" can't keep up any more.  You did what he wanted, and now you can't any more, so there you go.  He just has to scream.  Get ear plugs.  (if he proceeds to hit you, that is a dfifferent problem) - but screaming?  No big deal, it is just NOISE - pretend he is a huge beefy animal that is howling.  Foul words?  No problem, I looked up foul words and surprise surprise they don't really mean such bad things as you thought:  The infamous 'F' word is an ancient Danish word that means "copulation of cattle to enlarge the heard" - it's actually a funny word to use as a profanity.  Imagine him saying, "I'm going to force cattle to copulate if you spend any more money!"  Ya, right, like we live on a farm.......maybe you should take me on vacation TO a farm, then I could see you in action, hon!"  The "D" word?  You don't scare me, you are not God and only God can bring DAMNATION upon people - you think yourself a bit to high...and the "SH" word - no one knows it's history, but it means poo-poo.  While he SAYS poopoo, with the "sh" prefix, I'm cleaning it up off the bottoms of his precious children - as yet they are the only ones who have produced anything resembling "sh", and it has been no threat to me so far.  I have also been thrown up on by "surprise" in the middle of the jnight when one of the kids crawled in bed with me, sick - he has not done such things to me so far - hence no real threat, just a loud word, no problem a cheap pair of yellow, foam ear plugs can not solve.  But if you can't take the screaming, you should leave - go to the store, maybe you will buy something while he is screaming at the top of his lungs.  Perhaps a steak and potato that he can put on the grill when you get back.  You see, ladies, you HAVE power, but you do not USE power.  You let him controll what you DO, and what you THINK.  So stop that,  and do what YOU THINK.  Let him scream.  Let him chase you down with lists.  Call him at work at his desk when he is in meetings with the boss, and ask him, "Honey, can I afford this 59 cent head of lettuce, or do you want me to buy that 33 cent can of corn...and is it ok if I buy 3 cans of tuna instead of 2?"  Do that every single time you go to the store, and tell him " honey, you KNOW I loose stuff, you will have to be my personal assistant!"  He will love that!  Because, after all I'm way to "silly in the head" to keep track of things like he thinks I should, so I need him to do all that work FOR me - NOW WHO IS IN CONTROLL?   I am and he has to be my assistant.  Because the budget GOD is calling HIS NAME (not mine, I'm in a different religion....)