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Messages By: xavierann
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April 26, 2008, 2:17 pm PDT
 I want to comment on this upcoming story about the family trapped in a hoarding mess in their home. I think that they are truely trapped by depression and hopelessness. when people are mentally "down" they can not handle problems. I know that even in a clean home (I don't have a huge dis-organization problem at home) it is very disorienting for me to "clean out" and "clean up". Some people have a natural talent for organization, and I personally think that some people's brain chemistry is stimulated with some sort of "feel good" hormone when they organize. I have had friends in the past who thrive on organization and they organize everything - they can not wait to jump out of bed and organize everything in sight, in fact, they get up at 5:30 a.m. to do just that. Then they come to my house - I have kids rooms somewhat a mess, beds don't always get made, pantry is not got the cans stacked perfectly and so on. Far, far from a hoarding problem, I believe my home is very normal, and I don't overfocus on organization, because when I tackle organizational problems, whether they are boxed puzzle games to cleaning out the junk drawer, to deciding what to keep and give away in the garage or closets, I do not get that "feel good brain chemistry" that stimulates me to keep going. I start with a good intention, and then after everything is pulled out, I get lost in the mess I just made and have to walk away from it. Even small organizational tasks can be overwhelming for me. Instead I thrive off of the same "feel good brain chemistry" when I do something creative like paint pictures or write - you can not tear me away from those types of projects, so I know what that "feel good" brain chemistry is like, I just can not get that stimulated when it comes to organization and giving away. Now, my home is clean and up to date - the dining room and office are company show-able, and kept free of clutter. The kitchen gets cleaned daily, the fridge and pantry get cleaned out weekly. Clutter piles up and I get the kids to help. But I'm in a good mood with no money or marriage problems. I think this family accidentally sprialed downward in many areas of their lives all at the same time and just can not get it together themselves. For one thing, when you start trying to organize, beside the fact that some folks can not figure out what to give away, or how to organize what they have left, kids get into stuff and start crying over what they don't want to part with, so then you have family conflict. These people must throw their hands up and "just give up". I think the children need to be sent to a grand parent's or aunt's home with one suitcase of their most precious stuff, being told in advance that everything else will be gone when they get back. They need to spend the summer so mom and ddad have the whole summer to work on this. Mom and dad, here ismy technique - it is backwards from how most do it and much easier on the brain: Pick a number, say 20. That is your key number. in every room you may keep the 20 most important, valuable, unbroken/good condition things total...everything else must be given away, thrown out or sold. Imagine your home on fire - you have only so much you can rescue. At the end of WWII, my mom's family had their property confiscated by the communists in eastern europe - they were raided by surprise and told that they had 1 hour to get their most important stuff - they were dumped just inside the German border (they were Sudetenland Deutch). My grandmother's priority was jewelry, identification documents, medication, work clothing. She stuffed her gems in my mother's two dolls to keep them from being confiscated. Everything else was taken! They re-bilt their lives and are happy. Our minister gave a sermone once that ammounted to: the less stuff you need to maintain, the more time you have for people and God. Do not be slaves to the idols called "stuff".
Begin by packing a suitcase as for a trip: 10 outfits, personal stuff like toothpaste, makeup, deodorant, and go get a hotel room for the week, or stay with a friend. After this, go back in to your home and one room at a time, haul it all outside, without evaluating anything. Slap a sign up that says "Garage Sale" and arrange for charity to pick up the rest. Vacuum/steam clean carpets, and do a quick paint job of the whole room and wash the windows, getting rid of old window treatments/broken blinds or soak blinds in a hot tub with clorox. Then bring in ONLY 20 of the most important things that room needs. Remember each bed only needs one sheet, blanket and pillow - donate all other bedding, because at your situation you can not maintain more than this. each bedroom needs 1 bed, 1 nightstand (avoid dresser, the drawers collect junk) and 10 outfits in the closet/3 pair shoes. donate all faux jewelry, keeping only 1 jewelry item for each outfit. Bathrooms need: 1 towel/person, 1 hair drier, 1 bottle of shampoo/rinse, 1 toothpaste to share, 1 bar of soap, only enough personal stuff to fit in the clear baggie the airports allow. the kitchen needs 1 set of pots/pans, 1 place setting/person, & 1 set of dish cloths. Living room: 1 couch, 1 coffe table, 1 tv, no nicknacks, 1 vacuum, 1 bucket cleaning supplies; office: 1 desk with bills and personal paperwork sorted.
sell everything and use the money towards bills. good luck! |
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July 18, 2008, 2:08 pm PDT
Hi, I just want to relay a heart breaking story of my aunt who, in the early 1980's was a "cougar". She was a very beautiful woman in her late 40's/early 50's who had run a successful oil statistic business. She was married to a very wealthy man whose family were socialites and donated lots of money to build museums and so on. He was her second marriage and he was older, and drank to much, and they may have had other problems, so their fairly long (15 year?) marriage ended in divorce. Her settlement included a $300K condominium that was paid for, a trust to pay the taxes and maintenance on it with the dividends, a very large bank-account trust for all her necessary/unnecessary expenses, and a new car. She was set for life and death as a divorcee. Here is where her "cougar" days begin and her trouble really started. A much, much younger man, just older than her son swept her off her feet and she was just in love. He wined her, dined her, romanced her and bought her the world. She believed he was a very wealthy young businessman who adored her. He gained her trust by being around and taking care of her every need, every hour of every day. I don't think she ever even looked at his driver license over the couple of years that he was in her home and bed. One day he proposed a business deal to invest her money in some sort of investment that would give her a huge return. By the time he proposed this she completely trusted him, after all, he gave her a very large diamond engagement ring and planned to marry her, and she had accepted. So, why not invest money that they were going to share - wasn't he wealthier than she was anyway? So off she went to get a 2nd mortgage on her condo, and take out all her trust fund money - her accounts were so empty she could not eve buy a jug of milk. She really, sincerely trusted him, and wanted a new lease on life, wealth, and youth. He took the money, in check form, that morning and told her to go to the spa for the day, he would meet her at an upscale restaurant that evening at 7:00 p.m. So she spent the day at the spa, then got dressed and went to the restaurant. He called to say he was late with a client and would be around soon. He called again to say he was stuck in traffic. Then he called to say he would be there in just short of 45 minutes. She waited. and waited. and waited. Finally the restaurant closed and it sent her home. Worried sick that he was hurt she tried everything to get ahold of him. Finally a week later she called the police and tried to file a missing person's report. They returned with infomration that the car she described was rented to a person of a different name than she had told them. She was confused. they double checked. they were correct. No one existed by the name he gave that they could find. No one had bought an air line ticket with his name either, for she checked that as well. About a week of searching and she could not find him. Finally it began to dawn on her that this younger, handsome man had left with all her money and she had signed it over to him - he had tricked her. She called a lawyer. She was told that since she gave it to him in a personal relationship, not business, they could do nothing for her, especially since they were not married and his identity was not known. She sat in her room all week under severe depression and dis-belief. It had to sink in. She had just given her entire financial life to a younger man - no wonder he could afford to give her such an expensive ring and take her out. This was his form of business - taking widow's financial lives under a false name. No one ever found him. He is prob. very wealthy now. Still wining and dining older, lonely women who hope they still "have what it takes". A few months went by. This very spoiled lady had to get a job and try to support herself at a minimum level. She had a son, but who knows how much he could help her. While she was dating this man, her ex-husband had gotten re-married to a very, very young woman, who was extreemly pretty and dotted all over the old, drunk geezer. Well, this ex-husband up and died. He left all his fortunes to the young wife of only 5 years, and this aunt of mine who had spent at least 15 years got nothing, even though he know what had happened to her - he figured he had given her a good settlement and she was the one who left him. Her disaster was her own making, and he had eyes only for this young chick. No the world is not fair. Old men want young women. Men seem to have better financial control in some cases. In this case the double standard is clear - the old man gets the 25 year old and dies first leaving her his fortune in payment for prob. a back rub, (who can tell if he was even "able"), and the older woman was wiped out financially by a younger man, who was essentially doing the same thing to her than the young woman was doing to the old man....It was a very sad and depressing story. It happened when I was in early high school. I made my mind up that if my husband ever dies, I will not remarry and will tell everyone who knows me that I'm completely broke so they don't try to steal everything my husband has left for me to live on. I won't fall for a younger man who wants me to swoon for his good looks to shake up my self-esteem and help me pretend I'm a young girl. Nope, I will not let this happen to me. I hope the women who date younger guys out there take extra care, I would really hate to see this story occur again - to any woman. |
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July 26, 2008, 2:26 pm PDT
I feel like the man who has the Star Wars collection needs to open a museum by renting a local store front and allowing children and adults alike who just love Star Wars to tour his establishment. That would open up space in his home while protecting his stuff and also make money while inspiring and delighting otheres. He could even have a cafe that is Star Wars Themed. Not many people have that much stuff from such a popular movie, or era. I remember a kid in 8th grade who wore his Star Wars costume to school every Friday. Everyone thought he was wierd, but he was so into it, he claimed to have seen the movie 57 times and was faithful to wearing the costume. I think it would be a loss if this man completely parted with his stuff. Please Don't - I know my kids would love to see your collection, and if you would put it up for public viewing, I also know you would help me out because my kids would not need to purchase that stuff either, in fact I could donate their Star Wars stuff to your museum, and if you already had one, you could list also run a thrift store of Star Wars paraphanalia, and use the money toward the Museum Expenses. You could even have a planetarium and eventually include rides and an arcade, even a theatre where Star Wars movies are played full time.
Bottom Line? This man is giving up a potential big business by parting with his stuff. I say keep it, but make it work FOR you - I think that keeping the Star Wars stuff is a definite "win-win" situation! I thnk the other hoarders need to consider the same thing for their beloved stuff. If it is really that valuable, why not share it with others, at least in a museum.
Thank you for listening, Cynthia |
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August 8, 2008, 2:06 pm PDT
The solution is so easy for this situation. The mother did not "finish" raising her child and did a dis-service for him to complete becoming an adult, and this is BAD parenting. If you die, mother, your son will have to live under a bridge...he can't survive without you. Here is the solution for Pierre: You need to go help Pierre rent a very small, not fancy apartment for around $650/month somewhere in town. You need to "give" him the car - give him the title to it. You need to give him a mattress, a plate, a fork, a knife and a cup, and yes, a can opener. Then you need to deposit Pierre at his new home, and give him a goodbye hug. DO NOT WRITE OUT ANOTHER CHECK FOR PIERRE. PERIOD. Invite Pierre over for Christmas Dinner, Easter Dinner and his birthday, as well as your birthday. Call Pierre once per month to make sure he is still alive. Beyond that, pray for Pierre. Write Pierre as many post cards as you like, if you have to write him 15 post cards, do it, but that's it. Mother, you are addicted to taking care of Pierre, and are disabeling him from being able to take care of himself, a wife, children or you in your old age. This is a huge dis-service to yourself and Pierre. He is a handsome young man, but he's only 3 years younger than my husband, who provides me with a 350K home, 3 paid for cars, furniture, trips, and general living. I would never advise any woman in the world to date a man to even have a cup of coffee on another persons MOTHER'S dime - not in my wildest dreams!!! I would not allow my daughter to do so either. MOTHER you have turned poor Pierre into a GIGANTIC LOOSER. And he has decided that since he can not unload you, he may as well go along with it like a lost pet who has no choices. Pierre is an able bodied man, let him do the financial caring for others. Pierre should NOT DATE UNDER ANY SITUATION UNTIL HE GETS HIS FINANCIAL LIFE TOGETHER. I don't think Pierre should even take a home as a gift from mom because she would use it to pull strings for ever. But most parents give their kids cars when they turn 16, so the car is not a problem.
SOLUTION: MOM: NO MORE GIVING PIERRE ANY MONEY VIA CHECKS, CASH, CREDIT CARDS, GIFTS
PIERRE: DO NOT DATE ANY WOMAN UNTIL YOU GET YOUR FINANCIAL ACT TOGETHER AND CAN AFFORD TO TAKE CARE OF A WOMAN AND FAMILY. EVEN IF THE WOMAN CAN EARN SHE SHOULD NOT 'HAVE' TO DO SO, AND HER EARNINGS SHOULD BE PUT AWAY FOR RETIREMENT. YOU ALONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR A WOMAN, CHILDREN AND YOUR AGING PARENTS. FOR SHAME! FOR SHAME! FOR SHAME!
AMANDA: PLEASE ASK A MAN FROM WHERE HE GETS HIS MONEY FROM NOW ON. WHATEVER YOUR PROBLEMS ARE (DRINKING OR NOT) IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS UNLESS IT BECOMES A PROBLEM FOR YOU, YOUR SPOUSE, YOUR KIDS OR YOUR JOB. IN THAT CASE, SEEK PRIVATE HELP PRIVATELY. MOTHER-IN-LAWS ARE NOT SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELORS, THEY CAN NOT HELP YOU. IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THE MOTHER IN LAW COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT, DONT DO ANYTHING IN FRONT OF MOTHER-IN-LAW THAT SHE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT. THAT SHOULD BE EASY SINCE YOU SHOULD ONLY SEE YOUR IN-LAWS IN CHURCH OR FOR BIRTHDAYS OR HOLIDAYS...MOTHER-IN-LAWS SHOULD NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING IN IN THE PRIVATE LIFE OF A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW UNLESS THE GRAND-CHILDREN ARE BEING ABUSED OR NEGLECTED.
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August 8, 2008, 2:19 pm PDT
Quote From: aaron59583 Kcola, I do agree with you that Dr. Phil was unnecessarily harsh on the mother. I don't like her personality too well, however, and I think that might have played out on the show and caused Dr. Phil some headache. She obviously has some flaws, but the issues Pierre has / had definitely take center stage here over his mother's.
The one thing that I did not agree with, however, is that his mother went straight out and mentioned money to his new "girlfriend." Although it may be a matter of honesty, some things just go better left unsaid. Her criticism of her son's own faults, while she's supporting him at the same time, is a double-edged sword. It seems to me this type of person could turn on you at a moment's notice. Perhaps this quick decision to mow down her son's credibility (or even lack thereof) is why Dr. Phil came down so hard on her. She needed someone else to point out her flaws, because I don't think she would admit to any faults, and she always tried to skirt that issue when it was brought up to her anyway.
Rule number one---don't interfere with your children's love relationships, especially if they're over 30! That right there will create an aura and feeling of distrust between parent and child. How can we ever expect Pierre to grow up unless he makes the mistakes of life, and makes them on his own? His mother being in every relationship and telling every girlfriend that he's broke will do a number on his confidence, and eventually, if it happens enough, will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. How embarrassing!
It's almost as if his mother wants him to rely on her for money. If she did not, she would allow him to make mistakes on his own to grow up a little bit! So you lead a woman on about being broke---trust me, there's plenty of ways to lead people on, and disguising your financial situation is nowhere near as serious as, let's say, infidelity?
We have to look past people's feelings in this situation because, again, Pierre needs to grow up and make the mistakes on his own. We don't need unnecessary people getting involved, namely his mother, who would only be there to further complicate the situation. It's Pierre's life--- his actions, his decisions, and he is the only person who is responsible for it, and if he makes a mistake, it will be HIM who bears the burden---NOT his mother.
I would like to defend Dr. Phil's stance that the mother/mother-in-law was in fact a "monster". The reason Dr. Phil portrays her such is that is what is going on behind the scenes, when no one is looking. Mother is a master at manipulation and then plays "dumb" in public..."oh, sweet little old me? I never did that, intended it, desired it, knew about it, etc." that's a bunch of bull and both the mother and dr. phil know it. I have seen this occur and it's horrible. Someone pulls something really distasteful towards you, and then defends him/herself by claiming that I "invented" it, "dreamed it up", or "misinterpreted" it so that no shame occurs and that person saves face. I had a friend once that was also a church leader for a women's group I was in and she pulled that alot on me to in order to maintain "control" (as if I was going to run and take her job away from her...) This mother is currently being two-faced - playing mrs. nice-guy for the public, but when no one is looking she's nasty. That's why Dr. Phil had Amanda tape the mother's converstaions without her knowledge and all she did was try to convince her son that he was with an awful monster. You know, if you raise your kids right they won't stray from your up-raising. Doesn't the mother trust her own upbringing of her son? If Amanda drinks, well that's Amanda's problem. Mother-in-laws do not make good addiction counselors. Leave her alone about it - as everyone knows, alcoholics won't be helped until they themselves see their own problem and seek help for it. The time to raise Pierre to select a non-drinker has WAY PASSED. It's to late to raise him this way now. And Pierre is helping Amanda to drink by taking his mom's money to entertain Amanda with alcohol...how backwards is that? The mother needs to BUT OUT and if she does not want Pierre to date a drinker, why on earth does she continue to finance him in any way? And let Pierre make his own choices, and then when things fall apart, let Pierre manage his own crisis as well. If Pierre was 16 years old or something that would be different. I can fully see why you are deceived into believing that the mother is a sweet, innocent person who wants the best - many manipulative people such as my x-friend have pulled the same things at times and yes, everyone else is fooled while I sit there completely miserable and no one believes me. I have seen this "two-faced" situation many times and it is nasty. Having someone abuse you and then turn around and make you into the villan is just awful. The best and quickest way for the mother to get rid of undesirable women is to stop paying them via Pierre. HOnest hard working women will work WITH pierre to build a life. those who are drunks and gold diggers will vanish when they discover there is nothing to be had. Mom needs to put her money into an account and do nice things for herself, and leave the money to Pierre in her will, when it won't bother her what he does anymore. I'm sure Pierre won't die without mom's money. |
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August 8, 2008, 2:23 pm PDT
Quote From: chenniswife Finally! Someone who feels the way I do! That 40 year old man was unbelievable! Okay, fine, he's not lazy but he should stop charging to his Mom's credit account all-expense paid trips to Cancun and using his Mom's luxury cars if he wants to befriend a woman like Amanda who enabled his "leech-like" behavior!! Also, I didn't like the way Amanda was yelling at the Mother. Something about it just irked me. I have a Mother-in-law and have never yelled at or disrespected her. She's white and I'm black, married to her white son. If anybody could have had a disrespectful way of relating to each other, it could have been us. But race is a non-issue for us and we remain respectful to each other. Also, my Mother-in-law is nice to me, praising me for keeping her son happy and working full-time side-by-side with him to pay our own mortgage and bills so that helps her to see me in a good light. Amanda, the daughter-in-law in the story, should have been respectful to her Mother-in-law, while at the same time, she should have tried to inspire Pierre, her husband, to embrace financial independence, from his mother. Its inexcusable to me that Amanda thought it was okay to yell at the mother-in-law, while at the same time, behind her back use the woman's money. Its like, "hello? Am I missing something here? You hate me but you like my money? I'm not good enough for you to respect me, but I'm good enough for you to milk me like a cow? Pleeeeaaaassse! Get a life!" I totally agree with you - Amanda had no right to yell at the mother in law for going through the stuff she left behind. It's the mother's house, if you leave it there she should be able to move it. And that's the price you pay for allowing a mother-in-law to pay for your life... You sound like a dream-daughter-in-law. I also have a dream-daughter-in-law for my son who is 24. They own a house, make all their payments, work every day, budget everything, and spend time together doing "budget" things. The daughter-in-law is very nice, responsible and does she drink or smoke? I have NO idea..... I raised my son not to drink, and there is no way for me to know if he has taken those teachings seriously. Hope he has...but if not he has to figure out the problems that go with substance abuse. Not me. The Mother needs to quit paying and Amanda should not yell at people who pay for her life. As a matter of fact, Amanda was really "dating" the mother in law, as that's who paid for all the dates! |
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August 8, 2008, 2:32 pm PDT
Quote From: aaron59583 Kcola, I do agree with you that Dr. Phil was unnecessarily harsh on the mother. I don't like her personality too well, however, and I think that might have played out on the show and caused Dr. Phil some headache. She obviously has some flaws, but the issues Pierre has / had definitely take center stage here over his mother's.
The one thing that I did not agree with, however, is that his mother went straight out and mentioned money to his new "girlfriend." Although it may be a matter of honesty, some things just go better left unsaid. Her criticism of her son's own faults, while she's supporting him at the same time, is a double-edged sword. It seems to me this type of person could turn on you at a moment's notice. Perhaps this quick decision to mow down her son's credibility (or even lack thereof) is why Dr. Phil came down so hard on her. She needed someone else to point out her flaws, because I don't think she would admit to any faults, and she always tried to skirt that issue when it was brought up to her anyway.
Rule number one---don't interfere with your children's love relationships, especially if they're over 30! That right there will create an aura and feeling of distrust between parent and child. How can we ever expect Pierre to grow up unless he makes the mistakes of life, and makes them on his own? His mother being in every relationship and telling every girlfriend that he's broke will do a number on his confidence, and eventually, if it happens enough, will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. How embarrassing!
It's almost as if his mother wants him to rely on her for money. If she did not, she would allow him to make mistakes on his own to grow up a little bit! So you lead a woman on about being broke---trust me, there's plenty of ways to lead people on, and disguising your financial situation is nowhere near as serious as, let's say, infidelity?
We have to look past people's feelings in this situation because, again, Pierre needs to grow up and make the mistakes on his own. We don't need unnecessary people getting involved, namely his mother, who would only be there to further complicate the situation. It's Pierre's life--- his actions, his decisions, and he is the only person who is responsible for it, and if he makes a mistake, it will be HIM who bears the burden---NOT his mother.
Mothers should not be introduced to new dates until the couple have decided to announce an engagement and have a wedding date set, unless the couple is younger than 23 years old...AFter that, it is the young man and the young woman who should decide if they get along or not, whether the financial picture is "good" or "bad", and so on. The mother was given an opportunity that should have never been. She wrecked the possibility of a date for Pierre whether by accident or on purpose, because she thought the girl deserved to know the worst about Pierre. Hey, I'm a mother-in-law who would never damage my kids, but I still could speak out of turn and embarrass my kids by mistake. By the time this happens, though, my kids and their dates should be comfortable enough with each other that it won't affect the relationship. The relatshionship is about the COUPLE not the COUPLE AND THE MOTHER. PIERRE: NEXT TIME YOU GET A DATE, DON'T INTRODUCE YOUR MOM - JUST INVITE HER TO THE WEDDING, then kiss her goodbye before you set out on the honeymoon, and re-locate in a DIFFERENT CITY! If you can not afford to take care of yourself you have no business DATING! So earn your own money, good sir! |
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August 8, 2008, 2:46 pm PDT
Quote From: ronnikinto this show was a joke!
Mom keeps saying she *has* to financially support her 39 year old son. THAT IS BS. MY MOM WOULD NEVER SUPPORT AND ENABLE ME TO BE A MOOCHER LIKE THAT!
SON IS A LOOOOOOOSER WHO CHOSE HIS MAMA OVER HIS WIFE????? NO DECENT GIRL WOULD BE WITH A MAMA'S BOY LIKE THAT.
When the son made that comment about how happy he is now for his Ex wife cause now she doesn't have to deal with his mother, and she can be happier now..................that about made me want to barf. That comment alone shows how disconnected he is with reality. He said that as if he was waiting for "approval applause" I can't beleive he actually THOUGHT that. Its like he doesn't even realize what a LAME O he is to be 39 and have every excuse in the book for not being independent.
Does he think he's the ONLY 39 year old man in the world who has to find a job? What makes him so special that its not "his fault" he is in the position he is in? How does he sit there smiling and trying to be "normal" when he totally chose his MAMA over his wife? I wouldn't date that man, nor let anyone I know date that man if my life depended on it. HE WILL ALWAYS be in this relationship with his mom.
He made the comment that he was "taking the dixie cup back with his balls" because he WAS SNEAKING AMANDA INTO THE HOUSE when the mom DIDNT' KNOW ABOUT IT? AND HE NEEDED DR PHILS *HELP* TO TELL HIS MAMA?!?!??!?!!! Sorry hon, but that was NOT "sneakin in the back door to get your balls" that was pathetic! If you were a man there would no "sneaking" and you woudlnt' have needed another grown mans HELP to tell your mama hahahahaha. THAT was funny. He actually thought that was a "man" thing to do.
I will give that mama has emotionally damaged him, and totally enabled and helped him get into the situation he is in today. That is the only explanation I can think of. Any male that I know, would be razzing him and giving him a really hard time for being a mama's boy like he is. Its NOT normal, and any NORMAL male, would not be soooooo far gone like this man. Yes there are a lot of mama's boys out there, but this is one of the most EXTREME cases i've ever heard of.
Im surprised Dr Phil was sooo easy on this man. And on the mom. He kept talking about her bringin up money so many times, but he never just let her have it about the fact that SHE CHOOSES TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HER SON. SHE COULD SAY NO AND NOT SUPPORT HIM. SHE says that she *has* to pay for him, and Dr Phil and all of the world knows that NO SHE DOES NOT! Either one of them could break the cycle, and yet the conclusion of the show was that son is going to get help from the TOP job finder in the country to *place* him in a job?!?!?!?!?!?!??????????????????? oh man.............I hope taht Dr phil does another update in a year, to see where it ever ended up. My guess is son will have quit or gotten fired cause of some sort of excuse and mama will *have* to support him again......................cause yea she can't say no...............i mean.........she HAS to...........
sheesh im done, but man this show really really really was insane. The reason the son behaves this way is because of BRAIN WASHING, instilled by manipulation andemotional abuse on the part of the mother - the reward system played backwards. First the mother will offer him something so desireable that she KNOWS he can not afford, and once he is legally required to pay for it or ruin his credit, then mom will threaten to take it away if he does not "mind" her - this is a manipulative tactic many ornery parents pull on their unsuspecting children. It can cause a younger person and adult child, to make bad credit, or not be able to feed their children. Parental help is seen as just that, and then later when people are tangled up in contracts where mom's name is on the paperwork, mom will threaten, "I'm not going to pay my half if you dont _____!" So in order to survive, the adult child HAS to comply or they will have bad credit, loose their inability to drive to work, not be able to feed their kids, it's a tangled web of abuse using finances, and you may not know about this. I think that Pierre is facing such problems and they are to detailed to explain until Dr. Phil can work with him one problem at a time. Pierre's behavior is more of a "giver-upper" than a "looser" - he had intended to be independent, but mom made offers to help him and now is using her help as a "power tool" to manipulate him, and he may not have expected it. Parents like this "make good" and demonstrate such helpful support and friendliness, until you are in a crisis - then they pull out the "wild card" and threaten to completely ruin your family, finances, job, etc, and have concocted such things in advance so that you have to do as told. This is dangerous as Pierre has learned - taking help from mom will cost you dearly. Pierre needs to live in a very small house with a cheap dumpy car and proudly say, I gave this to myself!" Then Pierre will be independent. Mom will not change. She's to old and way to smart, and has used this on Pierre way to long. Pierre needs to limit contact with mom and NEVER ACCEPT ANY HELP FROM HER AGAIN. Otherwise he will remain a mama's boy. I think Dr. Phil will help Pierre with this, but it will take some month's for Pierre to understand this crazy technique that controllers use. I suggest the book "Emotional Blackmail" by Dr. Susan Forward, or even the book "Emotional Abuse", author I can not remember. I had a friend who was a controller like this with me and when I read these books, I could make a checklist of such behaviors, as if she had the same book and worked down the same checklist when attacking me - just awful... But I had to read a book to figure it out. Of course Pierre needs help to see through the F.O.G. - False Fears, False Obligation, and False Guilt. |
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August 8, 2008, 2:49 pm PDT
Even though Amanda was married to Pierre, she is really not part of this situation - Pierre needs to DIVORCE his mother and completely disconnect from her financially and emotionally before entering an adult relationship with ANY woman. Amanda was just in the cross-fire because she did not realize that some mothers are that controlling. I am sure that next time Amanda dates she will ask, as first order of business - "does your mother give you even 5 cents?" and "does your mother control your life, and decision making, who you date, where you go, etc."
Amanda, you just need lessons on the "controlling mother" sydrome - it is not your fault that you did not know this. But now you do. In the future don't get that close to a mother-in-law. If you are required to, take it as a "red flag" and get out quick. |
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